by Caitlyn Dare
“Hey,” Remi approaches me. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m okay.” I hitch my bag up my shoulder and keep walking, but she falls into step beside me.
“Any morning sickness?”
“Remi!”
“What?” Guilt flashes in her eyes. “No one can hear us.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Hadley, I know things are—”
“No, you don’t. Look,” I stop in front of her, “I know you’re only worried, but I need to deal with this on my own.”
“Hads, come on, I just want to help.”
“But you can’t.” A heavy sigh escapes my lips. “No one can. I’ll see you around, Remi.” I take off before she can stop me.
I don’t want to talk about it.
Any of it.
I just want to survive the day, go back to my dorm room, and do it all over again tomorrow. But as I round the corner, Miss Jones spots me.
“Hadley, my office.”
Ugh.
This is the last thing I need, but I know if I try to evade her, it’ll only make it worse in the long run. I keep my head down as I follow her down the hall and out of the other door, toward the gym. A couple of girls shoot me a scathing look as I enter the locker room, but I let it roll off my back.
I have bigger things to worry about.
“Come in,” she says, dropping into her chair.
Closing the door, I take a seat. “What’s up, Miss J?” My smile feels all wrong.
“I could ask you the same thing. You’ve missed practice all week.”
“I told you, I pulled a muscle.”
“I know. But I see things, Hadley. I hear things. Something is off with you, and I’m worried it has to do with Cole Jagger.”
“It doesn’t,” I blurt out.
Her brow lifts. “I haven’t seen the two of you together since Monday. And then you missed school Tuesday and Wednesday. If something happened with—”
“It didn’t. I was sick Tuesday and Wednesday. Really sick. I think it was bad chicken from that diner downtown.”
“And now you’ve pulled a muscle?”
“I’m sorry, Miss J, I just haven’t been feeling one hundred percent, so I didn’t want to do more harm than good.”
“I’m glad you took the initiative to give yourself some time to recuperate. But I get the feeling you’re not telling me the whole story.”
This is my chance. But I’m not sure how she’ll take the news that I want to quit the team. It was part of my terms of enrolment here—I would join the cheer team so Miss Jones could keep an eye on me, and my parents could ease whatever sliver of guilt they had over shipping me off to a new town.
Taking a deep breath, I choose my next words carefully. “Since it’s senior year and I want to focus on my future, I think I should prioritize my classes.”
She steeples her fingers, leaning forward slightly. “What are you saying?”
“I want to quit the team.”
“Hadley, that’s not—”
“Look, I know you promised my parents that you’d keep an eye on me. And you still can. We both know my heart isn’t in cheer. The girls don’t like me, they tolerate me at best. And to be honest, I’m struggling to keep on top of everything.” I throw that last line in, hoping she’ll feel sympathetic toward me.
“How long have you felt like this?”
“I never wanted to join the team, Miss J. It’s nothing personal, but cheer was part of my old life, in Gravestone.”
“I see.” She studies me. “Your father won’t—”
“My father isn’t here,” I hiss, immediately lowering my voice. “Sorry, it’s just a sore subject. I’m eighteen, shouldn’t I be allowed to make some of my own decisions? I’ve followed the rules, I’ve tried really hard to—”
“Okay, okay.” She holds up her hands. “I get it, I do. I know your parents can be difficult...”
That is an understatement.
“They just wanted to know you were happy here.”
She’s deluded. My parents didn’t care about what I wanted. They still don’t. My father likes control. He likes a tightly run ship, and I veered off-course.
“I’ll do whatever you want me to,” I plead. “I’ll check in regularly, or take extra credit, but I can’t do this anymore.”
“You really don’t want to be on the squad anymore?”
“I don’t.”
“I want bi-weekly meetings. I need something to tell your parents.”
“Consider it done.”
“And I’ll be asking all your teachers for regular reports.”
“Fine.” God, she’s as bad as them. I’m not a child anymore. I’m pregnant, for God’s sake. Growing another life inside me.
Emotion overwhelms me, but I force it down. I can’t break, not now. Not in front of Miss Jones. She’ll never let me leave without answers if I start crying.
I stand, desperate to get out of here.
“I meant what I said last time we talked, Hadley. My door is always open.” Her smile is sincere, but her words can’t be trusted. Not when she’s on their side.
“I’ll see you in two weeks,” I say, hurrying out of there... and running straight into Marissa.
“What’s your problem?” she sneers.
“Leave it, Marissa.” I barge past her.
“Just because Cole decided to dump your pathetic ass, doesn’t mean you have to take it out on us. We’re supposed to be a team.”
I shoot her a scowl over my shoulder and say, “Not anymore.”
And then I get the hell out of there.
I manage to get through the day. Every time someone shouts in the hall or accidentally bumps into me, I recoil, panic flooding me. Until I remember I’m safe.
Donny is gone.
He can’t touch me anymore.
There’s a big game tonight, but I only feel relief that I won’t have to be there. I’m not sure I could face Cole.
But as if the universe thinks I haven’t had enough to deal with lately, as I exit the building I almost collide with him.
“Shit,” he groans, tensing the second he realizes it’s me.
“I, uh... sorry.” I brush the stray hairs from my face and hover awkwardly.
There was a time I would have moved closer, seeking out his darkness. But everything is different now.
He’s different.
I’m different.
“How are you?” he asks.
“I’m okay.” Liar. “I should go.” I thumb toward the path that leads to the dorm buildings.
“Hadley, wait,” he calls after me, the sheer desperation in his voice reaching something inside me.
“Yeah?” I ask as I glance back.
Our eyes connect, jolting me with electricity. Cole looks as bad as I feel. His eyes are ringed with dark circles and his skin is pale, and he looks like he’s living on as little sleep as I am.
Everything becomes white noise around us, the laughter and chatter, footsteps on the pavements, the purr of expensive cars roaring to life. It all drowns out until I can hear nothing but the thud of my heart against my chest.
“Nothing,” he finally says, dashing the foolish flicker of hope I’d felt at hearing him call after me.
Doesn’t he realize he only needs to say three little words to fix this mess?
To fix us?
Without another word, I turn away and take off toward my dorm building. I won’t beg him to love me, not again. Not when I know that sometimes love isn’t enough.
It wasn’t enough for me and Tim, and it isn’t enough for me and Cole.
Maybe that’s my destiny, to never be quite enough.
Tears sting eyes, but I try to keep them at bay. Once I’m in the safety of my room, I’ll let myself break. Only as I reach the building, another voice calls out to me.
“Hadley, wait up.”
“Not now, Conner.” I hurry toward the door, desperate to get inside.
&
nbsp; “Just give me a second, please.”
I scramble to get my key out of my bag, but I’m not quick enough. Conner snags my wrist and pulls me gently back. “I just want to talk.”
Slowly, I lift my face to his.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, concern shining in his eyes. “Tell me what happened.”
The dam breaks and tears roll down my cheeks.
“Fuck, Hads, come here.” He pulls me to his chest, hugging me tight. “Shh, I got you. I got you.”
But it shouldn’t be Conner consoling me, it should be Cole.
“Tell me what you need?” He coaxes me from his chest and holds me at arm’s length. “Tell me who I’ve got to hurt?”
I manage a small smile at that. Conner always makes it so easy. “I need sleep. I’m so exhausted,” I admit, instantly feeling like a weight has been lifted.
“You’ve been having more nightmares?”
I nod. Conner knows all about my haunting dreams, because he stopped by to check on me the other night.
“Come on, sneak me in and you can sleep.”
“Conner, I can’t ask you to do that.”
“You’re not asking.” He gives me a small smile. “I’m offering.”
“But—”
“Hey, it’s no strings attached, okay? You shouldn’t be alone right now, and lucky for you, I don’t mind taking an afternoon nap.”
“Thank you,” I say, because the thought of getting some decent sleep is everything. “I might snore.”
“I think I’ll live. I’ll even let you hog the covers.”
“Conner...” I pale.
“Relax, I’m joking. I just want to help, I promise.”
“Why?” I ask. “Why are you doing this for me?”
“Because I can.” He shrugs. “Because you shouldn’t be alone. And because my brother can’t be who you need him to be right now.”
“It’s that simple, huh?”
“It only needs to be complicated if you make it complicated.”
I hesitate, because I know this is a bad idea. But I need to sleep. I need to close my eyes and know that someone is watching out for me. And Conner is a good person. He’s kind and funny and he doesn’t take life too seriously.
“Okay,” I blurt, forcing all my reservations to the back of my mind.
“Atta girl.” He grabs my hand and pulls me around the side of the building.
“Thank you.” The words fall from my lips.
“For what?” He frowns as we approach the back entrance.
“For being you. You’re a good person, Conner.”
His brows furrow, just for a second, and then his expression morphs into a grin. “I think there’s a compliment in there somewhere, Hadley, baby, but you know what they say about the good guy, right?”
“No, Conner. What do they say about the good guy?” I find myself grinning back. But then his expression hardens again.
“He always finishes last.”
Chapter Eight
Cole
I close my eyes as she walks away from me, her scent filling my nose and my muscles aching to reach out to stop her.
She’s like a fucking angel. So good, so pure, yet so untouchable.
Unable to resist, I turn and watch her walk away.
Like this, I can imagine that everything is as it once was. That things are our usual brand of fucked-up, and I can let myself into her dorm later to do wicked things to her. But I can’t.
I lost that right when she told me she loved me and I threw it back in her face.
Stumbling back against the building, I watch her hips sway as she makes her way toward the dorms. I pull a cigarette from my pocket, wishing it were more than just nicotine. Even more so when I watch Conner catch up with her and wrap his arm around her shoulder. My teeth grind and my fingers clench with my need to walk over and rip her out of his hold.
She’s mine. Motherfucker.
But I can’t. I can’t claim her. It’s too late for all that.
It’s game night. The only reason I turned back up at school. And I can’t stand here watching them, going after them, when I’ve got a job to do. I might not have listened to many people in the past few days, but the threat from Coach that my already questionable position on the team would be gone if I didn’t get my ass to practice, to get ready for tonight was one thing that got me moving.
It’s an away game. The last thing I want to do is get on a bus and leave Sterling Bay for a few hours. The only thing that makes it better is that I know she’ll be there. We might have barely said two words to each other this week, but just knowing she’ll be in the stadium, unable to leave, to walk away from me, settles something inside me.
The second I walk into the locker room, Hayden is right there, just like he was when I appeared for practice the other day.
The moment I locked eyes on his smile, I knew it was him. He was the motherfucker who was in Hadley’s room. He’s the one who’s been keeping her company.
How I didn’t wrap my hands around his neck right there and then was a fucking miracle. But Coach’s warning rang loudly in my ear and I barge past him, hardly satisfied with the smarting of my shoulder where we connected when it should be my fists aching from teaching him a lesson about going near my girl.
Practice is brutal, although I’m not sure if that’s because I’m off my game or Coach has stepped it up a level. I’m not exactly with it, even I know that I’m not in top form.
“What?” I bark at Hayden as he stands there with his arms crossed in front of him. Aaron quickly joins him.
“Can you handle tonight?” Aaron asks.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” I hiss.
“You’re a fucking mess, Jagger. How Coach hasn’t benched you, fuck only knows. You’re a fucking liability.”
I take a step forward, my muscles tense, ready to fight. There might be two of them, but it wouldn't be the first time I’ve started something where the odds weren’t in my favor.
“Ladies, get your asses ready for the bus. We have a hard night ahead of us,” Coach barks when he finds the three of us ready to go at it.
Aaron backs down almost immediately, but Hayden holds his ground.
“I’m fucking watching you,” I grate out.
“Me?” he asks with a laugh. “That’s fucking rich. You’re the one who needs to watch their back.”
A smile curls at my lips. He has no idea who he’s dealing with here. I could snap him in two before he even saw it coming.
“Fuck. Off.”
He looks me up and down, his lip curling in disgust, but he does take a step back.
The journey is fucking torturous. Everyone around me seems excited, whereas all I can think about is the fact that I’m sober, which means the memories come thick and fast. And it’s not just of that night now. All sorts of memories hit me, from that first night Hadley found me covered in Charlie’s blood, to our ‘date’ on the beach where I opened up for the first time in my life and, for a very short time, let her in.
Pain lances through my chest as I remember that night. The way she looked down at me, the passion, the hunger, the awe, the… love that poured from her eyes.
I rub at my chest. The pain gets worse with every day that passes.
Glancing back at the minivan behind us that’s filled with our squad, I wonder if she’s back there as miserable as I am right now.
I can’t imagine she’d be anything but. Hadley hates those girls on a normal day, let alone now. I rest my head back and close my eyes, but I don’t sleep.
I can’t.
The game is tough, and, in the final minutes, we lose. I watch as the home team and their crowd cheer and celebrate their last second win, but all I can do is stand and stare at our disheartened cheer squad. A squad that is minus Hadley.
Why didn’t she come? Is it because of me?
My mind takes me back to her door room the day we found her missing. “She might be pregnant.” Remi’s words slam in
to me like a truck.
I have refused to acknowledge what they might mean, but as I stand here now, I wonder if that’s the reason she’s not here.
Remi has tried to talk to me, but I push her away before she even gets close. Is that what she’s been trying to tell me, that I’m going to be a father?
“Fuck,” I mutter, ripping my helmet off and running my hand down my face.
I can’t. I can’t be responsible for someone else, for someone so helpless. If she is p-pregnant, then she needs someone better than me to look after her. Someone like… someone like Conner.
Fuck.
I won’t follow the rest of the team to the commiseration party tonight. The only party I want to be a part of is a party for one with a bottle or two of vodka, or the pills I keep stashed away in my room just in case shit gets too hard to deal with.
The second we’re back at school, I march toward the car that’s waiting for me.
It’s mine now. James rocked up the other day with two brand new Nissan Skylines. Conner beamed from ear to ear and snatched the key from him faster than I thought he could move. I, however, turned my back on the whole situation and returned to my bedroom.
The second car still sits in the driveway unused. I refuse to accept his money. He might have helped us out with Donny—how the motherfucker knew what was going on, I have no idea—but I refuse to take his guilt money.
I might live in his house, but that’s as far as this goes. The second I get into college, I’m out of here, and I won’t be looking back. DNA is as far as my connection with him goes.
Shoving the key in the ignition, I twist it and wait for the car to come to life. It turns over and spits a little, but the piece of shit refuses to start.
“Not now, motherfucker.” I slam my hand down on the wheel, throwing myself back in the seat.
I don’t need this right now.
I blow out a calming breath, hoping a gentler approach might work. She’s old, she needs to be treated with care. “Come on, please,” I beg. Holding my breath, I turn the key once more. By some miracle, she comes back to life, and, with a relieved sigh, I make the journey back home.
The house is in silence—exactly as I’d hoped—as I make my way through to the kitchen. There are a fresh batch of cookies on the side. I pile a few up in one hand, swipe a bottle of vodka with the other and go to my bedroom to hide out.