by Caitlyn Dare
Stripping out of my clothes, I head straight for the shower to wash what’s left of our loss tonight off me. Our opponents’ locker room was shit, and the showers were even worse.
I turn the water as hot as it’ll go and stand under as it scalds my head and shoulders. I barely feel it. The loss isn’t important—it doesn’t matter to me like it does the others. I couldn’t give a shit about winning the championship. All I want is a future. A future away from the Heights, away from the Bay, away from my past and my nightmares.
The thought of walking away and leaving her behind, though? That makes me stop and question everything. Can I really imagine a life without her? I may have only known her a few months at most, but she’s different to everyone else I’ve ever met.
She sees me in a way that no other does. She accepts me, broken, messed-up bits and all.
Is there anyone else out there who could ever do that? Look past the shit I’ve done, both to others and her, and still claim to love me?
I shake my head as the burning water continues to rain down on me.
The guy in her dorm room, and then Conner with his arm around her earlier.
It hits me.
It was him. It wasn’t Hayden. It was Conner.
“Motherfucker,” I yell, planting my fist into the tile beside me.
Before I know what I’m doing, I’m out of the shower and dragging on the clothes I discarded when I walked in.
The house where tonight’s party is being held is only a short distance away, and in minutes, I’m pulling up alongside the other cars lining the street.
Music booms from inside long before I’ve even made it to the front door. There are kids everywhere, but I don’t see any of their faces. I’m too set on locking eyes on the one I want.
People say things to me, but the words pass me by. I’m not here for small talk or to party. I’m here to settle something.
I see his hair first out in the garden. He’s surrounded by others, but when I glance around them, I don’t see Hadley’s platinum hair, so I continue forward.
“What the fuck?” Conner barks as he stumbles forward from where I pushed him from behind.
“Something you need to tell me, brother?”
Gasps and screams sound out around us, but when I look over my shoulder, I notice that people have started to back away. They know we can be volatile. Word spreads around this place quickly, so I’m not overly surprised.
“Uh…” He hesitates, and it pisses me off that he thinks he can get away with this.
“You seem to have taken something that belongs to me.”
“I don’t know what you’re… Oh.” He swallows nervously, and it’s all I need to know he’s hiding something. I know his tells, I’ve watched them for years.
The fact that he thinks he can go behind my back like this and get away with it is almost more unbelievable than him doing it in the first place.
“It’s not like that, bro.”
“So you didn’t spend the night with her?” He swallows once more. “And you didn’t pull her into your arms earlier and guide her up to her room?”
“Y-yes but—”
A roar rips from my lips, and before I know I’ve so much as pulled my arm back, my fist connects with his nose. There’s a loud pop before blood explodes across both of us.
He retaliates much faster than I give him credit for, and the second his fist leaves my eye socket, I feel it starting to swell.
“You’re a dumbass motherfucker, you know that?” he taunts me as we dance around each other.
“Tell me you haven’t touched her,” I demand. “Tell me nothing has happened.” He pales slightly, his steps faltering. “You fucking…” My words trail off as I launch at him, my fist reigning terror down on his face and torso. He fights back to begin with, but he must realize that he’s in the wrong here because he gives up.
“Cole, for fuck’s sake.” The familiar voice breaks through my haze, but it’s not enough to make me stop.
It’s not until hands wrap around my upper arms and I’m physically pulled back that I do.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Ace barks in my ear.
“He’s fucking her.”
“What?” Ace, Remi and Conner all snap at the same time.
“He’s fucking her.”
“No, he’s not. Don’t be stupid,” Ace says throwing me to the ground and standing between us.
“He spent the night with her. He went with her earlier. Ask him where he was during the game, go on.”
Ace’s brow raises in Conner’s direction.
“Yeah, okay,” he relents, “I was with Hadley, but I haven’t been fucking her.”
“Something has happened though, hasn’t it?”
He looks away from me for a beat before wiping at the blood trickling down his chin. “Yeah, but not because she wants me. It’s because she needs you, and you’re not fucking there. Pull your fucking head out of your ass and go and get your girl, Cole. Quit being such a fucking pussy. She doesn’t want me. For some fucked-up reason, she wants you. She needs you. Now do the right fucking thing, or walk away for good and let her live her life.”
I stumble back, his words floating around my head.
Let her live her life.
Not without me, she isn’t.
Chapter Nine
Hadley
It’s late, but I can’t sleep.
I’m not surprised though.
I slept soundly earlier, curled around Conner like a spider monkey. No monsters had found me, and I’d woken two hours later feeling better than I had all week.
It probably should have felt wrong, to be using Conner that way, but I need someone... and he’s the closest person to Cole.
When he holds me, it’s almost like Cole is holding me.
Almost.
God, I’m messed up.
Nothing makes sense anymore.
My hand flattens against my stomach. I’ve had a nagging twinge all day. It isn’t pain as such, just a dull ache.
But I’m sure it’s nothing.
The nausea is the worst. I haven’t actually been sick, but the feeling never abates. It was taco day in the cafeteria yesterday, and I thought I was going to puke right there in the line. I grabbed a bag of chips instead and sat outside in the chilly air, trying to shake off the feeling.
I don’t know how long I lay here, still and silent. My thoughts drift to another life, a better life. Where Cole isn’t broken, and I’m not tainted. A future where we can love each other without repercussion. A future where we can raise our baby with love and security.
But all too quickly, the fantasy bleeds into something violent. Monstrous flames engulf the image of the three of us, burning us to nothing but ash and smoke.
Tears roll down my cheeks. The pain I’ve carried since being sent to Sterling Bay bends and shifts, growing into something darker. If my parents hadn’t exiled me, I wouldn’t be here now, heartbroken and lost, scared and lonely.
But then you wouldn’t have met Cole.
My cell vibrates and I lean over, snatching it off the nightstand.
Unknown: Hadley, please... we should talk.
Panic slams into me as I quickly type a reply.
Me: Who is this?
Unknown: Tim.
I bolt upright, staring at his name.
Me: How did you get this number?
My parents confiscated my old cell phone, replacing it with a new one. As far as I’m aware, they monitor my calls—not that there have been many over the last couple of years.
Unknown: It doesn’t matter. We need to talk.
Me: You need to stop, Tim.
Unknown: Come on, Dove... you owe me this.
Anger explodes inside me, and I let out a frustrated cry. I owe him? What the hell does that mean?
Me: Don’t ever contact me again, or I’ll tell my parents. And that won’t end well for anyone.
I stare at the screen, waiting. But no reply comes.
>
Thank God.
Turning it off, I shove it under my pillow. I thought Tim would stop, I thought he would take the hint that I can’t ever let him back into my life.
Curling into a ball, I inhale a shaky breath. I must have been a horrible person in a past life to deserve so much pain and heartache.
I find little peace in the darkness, my tears like a symphony to the desolation I feel inside. My eyes flutter closed, and I hope sleep will find me, but the rattle of my door startles me. I freeze, my heart beating wildly in my chest. There’s only one person who would let himself into my dorm room in the middle of the night.
Cole appears, like a dark prince sent to collect my soul.
But I know it’s already his.
“What are you doing here?” I sit up, trying to dry my eyes.
“You weren’t at the game,” he says with next to no emotion.
“I quit the squad.”
His eyes narrow. “Are you fucking Conner?”
“Excuse me?” A hand drifts to my throat as I swallow a fresh wave of tears.
He stalks toward me, his expression menacing. “Are. You. Fucking. My. Brother?”
“You think I...” I inhale a shuddering breath, anger filling every jagged crack of my heart. “You cast me aside like I was nothing, and you have the balls to stand there and ask if I’m sleeping with Conner, of all people?”
“I saw him. I saw the two of you—”
“What did you see, Cole?” I yell, getting in his face. “Did you see him comforting me? Holding me while I broke because of everything that happened? Did you see that?” I slam my hands against his chest. “You left me, you fucking abandoned me when I needed you most, so don’t you dare stand there and accuse me of being in the wrong here.”
Cole’s eyes glitter dangerously. I don’t see his hand before it snaps out and grabs my throat. “Don’t play games with me, preppy. He’s my brother, my fucking twin. And if I find out something happened between the two of you, I’ll kill him.”
“Fuck. You.” I spit the words. For a second, Cole looks completely shocked, but his mask of surprise morphs into one of pure rage as he hoists me against his body and marches over to the nearest wall. My back slams against it, knocking the wind clean from my lungs.
“You drive me in-fucking-sane,” he growls against my lips, trying to kiss me. But I turn away, trying to deny him.
“I hate you,” I seethe.
“No you don’t. You hate that you don’t hate me.” He holds my neck tenderly, stroking my pulse point with his thumb as he stares down at me.
Tears stream down my face as I splinter apart at his confusing touch, at the torment in his eyes. “I wish I’d never met you,” I whisper.
He stills and then pounces, pressing his lips hard against mine, his body crushing me. “Take it back,” he growls, plunging his tongue into my mouth.
“Never,” I say, grabbing his face and taking control.
We kiss like animals, wild and uninhibited. Liquid lust courses through my veins, numbing all the pain and heartache until I’m drowning in Cole, in his feral kiss and ferocious touch.
His fingers dig ruthlessly into my ass as his tongue fucks my mouth without apology. Nothing about this is a reconciliation. It’s an exorcism. We both push and pull and fight to expel every bad memory, the self-loathing we live with day in and day out, the regret we harbor.
Cole claws at my pajamas, literally shredding the material from my body. I scratch and pull at his hoodie, needing it gone, needing nothing between us but skin.
“Fuck, Hadley,” he rasps as I bite his neck, not caring if I draw blood or not.
He fists my hair, pulling sharply, and I whimper. “Do that again and I’ll punish you.” Dark intention swirls in his eyes.
I bare my teeth and snarl.
“It’s like you were fucking made for me.” His expression softens just for a second, but it soon slides away when he rips his jeans open and shoves them down his hips.
Cole doesn’t give me any warning as he slams inside me, making us both cry out. My hands curl around his broad shoulders, holding on as he fucks me hard against the wall.
“This is mine,” he grits out, his jaw tight.
“God, it’s—” The words get stuck as he pounds into me.
“Feel that?” He slows, rolling his hips in a circle, grinding against my clit. “Your pussy knows who she belongs to.”
My inner walls clench around him at the dirty words. “Harder,” I pant. “Make it hurt.”
His eyes flash with something, but I close mine, refusing to deal with whatever crisis of conscience Cole might be having. I need this.
I need it so badly.
Cole digs his fingers into the flesh of my hip, holding me still as he continues fucking me into oblivion. Pleasure rushes through me as my orgasm crests.
“Yes, Cole,” I cry. “Oh God, yes.”
His mouth latches onto my neck, sucking hard, hard enough to break the skin. But I’m flying so high, I don’t care.
“Fuck, Hadley, you feel so fucking good.” His pace becomes erratic as he chases away his own demons.
Reaching between us, he pinches my clit hard and another orgasm crashes over me. “Fuuuuuck.” He jerks inside, instantly stilling.
“Cole?”
He staggers back, my body sliding down the wall as he pulls up his jeans. “We shouldn’t have—”
“It’s okay, I’m only about seven weeks—”
“Don’t.” His eyes dart away from me.
“We need to talk about this, Cole.”
“I-I can’t.”
I lean down and pick up my shredded pajamas, trying to cover myself. “This is happening. We can’t just pretend—”
“I said don’t.” His eyes snap to mine, and what I see there makes me shudder.
“I know you’re scared.” I take a step toward him, clutching the torn material between my fingers. “I am too, but we’ll figure it out.”
“We?” He sneers, dodging my reach. “There is no we.” Cole pushes a hand into his hair and tugs with frustration.
“We both know that’s a lie, Cole.” I fight every instinct I have not to beat his stupid stubborn ass.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You feel something for me.” That’s why it had hurt so much when he walked away after I told him l loved him. “I know you do. We’re having a baby, Cole. A baby. We need to figure this—”
“I can’t do this,” he grits out. “I can’t... fuck. I need to go. I need—”
“Cole, please.” He's already at the door, fumbling with the handle. “Just talk to me.”
But I’ve lost him. Again. He manages to yank the door open and slip into the shadows before I can stop him.
Damn you, Cole Jagger. Damn you to hell.
The weekend brings a small reprieve. I can avoid the world and hide in my dorm room.
Which is exactly what I do.
Breaking out my secret stash of candy—avoiding the pack of Twizzlers—I laze in bed all day, watching back-to-back Channing Tatum movies. Remi calls, but I let it ring out. After another run-in with Cole, I need space.
But no sooner have I hit play on the fourth film than there’s a knock on my door. Reluctantly, I go and open it. “Conner?” I gasp, taking in his broken face. “What happened?”
“One guess.”
Dread snakes through me. “Cole?”
He nods. “We got into it over... well, it doesn’t matter.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. He’s the one with the problem. He’s been like a bear with a sore head all weekend. Wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?” His brow lifts, and I blanch.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Sure you don’t. I’m assuming you gave yourself that hickey?” Amusement plays on his face as I yank my collar up.
“I...”
“Hey, no judgement.” Conner
holds up his hands. “I hope the two of you sort out your shit, I do. But I won’t lie, Hads, I’m worried about him. Really fucking worried.”
“Yeah,” I say around a weak smile. “Me too.”
Chapter Ten
Cole
I shouldn’t have done that Friday night.
Any of it.
But she drives me fucking crazy.
Add in the vodka and the stress of the defeat that I told myself I didn’t care about, and things got out of control. The truth was there could have been scouts there, and fuck if I don’t need to think about my future now more than ever. I was a fucking mess. I mean, I still am. A couple of regrets aren’t going to sort me out, but even I know that I can’t keep this shit up.
Just like regretting ignoring her ever since isn’t going to make anything better or my impulsive need for her any easier.
I see the way everyone in this house looks at me. The worry etched into Ellen’s face every time she tries to get me to eat something. The fear I see written in every one of Ace’s features. He’s done everything he can to make sure Conner and I have had everything we need, and he thinks I’m going to ruin everything. I might. But that was a risk he was always taking.
“I’m so fucking glad the holiday is here,” Remi says on Wednesday night, lying on Ace like he’s a fucking mattress. “You looking forward to your first Thanksgiving in the Bay?” she asks him, although she glances at both Conner and me too.
“Family meal? Oh yeah, I can’t fucking wait,” I mutter, earning me a scowl from Ace.
“I thought you said you were going to try,” he warns.
“I said I’d fucking attend. I don’t ever remember saying I’d try to enjoy myself.”
“Well, I can’t wait,” Conner chimes. “Have you seen the size of the bird Ellen wrestled into the house? It’s going to be fucking epic.”