Love Life

by Matt Shaw

  Leon didn’t say anything – for once he didn’t know what to say. The new Kim was a shock to his system; an even bigger shock to his recently-drug-fuelled system.

  “Well?” she goaded him again.

  “I suggest you shut the fuck up and get ready for your appointment.”

  “You made the appointment. You do it, because I’m not!”

  “Yes, you are.”

  “No. FUCK YOU!”

  Leon snapped. He grabbed Kim by the shoulders and threw her back into the bathroom where she landed with a bang, against the toilet. Before she could stand up and regain her composure, what little she had, Leon was right with her.

  “Look at your face,” he said, “I think you missed a bit when you were washing. Here – let me help!” He grabbed her by her upper body and spun her round so she was facing the bath. A quick kick against her back leg dropped her to the floor – making it easier for him to force her head into the bath water.

  Using one hand he held her head under the water whilst his spare hand was free to reach for the soap. He kept her under for a little longer, whilst she thrashed around, before finally letting her up again – long enough to stick the bar of soap into her mouth, “Now let’s clean that potty mouth of yours. We can’t let your clients hear that sort of language!” Leon laughed as he pushed her under the water again, “Honestly, I don’t know how you would have got this far without me. It’s a good job you’ve got me looking out for you!”

  Taking a clump of her hair, he pulled her back out of the water again, “Now,” he said, “do you still want me to help you get ready or can you manage the rest yourself?”

  Kim didn’t reply. Even if she wanted to – she couldn’t as she gasped for air. Leon smiled, happy with the lesson he had taught. Happy with the lesson he believed he had taught her. He turned his back, unaware that Kim had stood up and taken his razor from the side, next to the sink.

  “FUCK YOU!” she screamed as she lunged for Leon. Perhaps if she had lunged and sliced him before screaming he wouldn’t have heard her and had the time to take action. In a swift movement he span round, on the spot, knocked the razor from her hand and pushed her back – hard against the bathroom mirror; shattering it into several large pieces. Kim ended up on the floor with tears of frustration and pain cascading down her face.

  “You tried to fucking cut me?” said Leon as he picked up the razor. He looked at it for a split second before pressing it against Kim’s cheek – not hard enough to split the skin. “If it wasn’t bad for business I’d cut your fucking face off where you sit, you cunt.”

  “Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.” Kim wanted him to do it. Things were never going to get back to how they were. She knew it would be impossible to escape Leon. She wanted him to cut her so deep that it would do more than end her ‘business’ but also end her miserable life – something she had often contemplated since the change of lifestyle but never had the courage to follow through with.

  “No,” said Leon as he pulled the blade away from her face. “Your appointment will be here soon. You’re going to get up off the floor, make yourself look as pretty as possible and earn some money. If you don’t – I’ll hurt you in ways far worse than you can imagine. I’ll hurt you in ways that will cause you more pain than what you’ve ever felt before and then I’ll let the client fuck you anyway. The choice is yours.” He stopped and looked at Kim who was still crying uncontrollably. He stood to his full height and pulled a small, silver wrap from his pocket before dropping it to the floor – just in front of Kim. “That’ll help ease your pain.”

  With that he turned and went to walk out of the room – still keeping hold of the razor so Kim couldn’t get her hands on it; not that she needed it. Instead of reaching for the silver wrap, she took hold of the largest shard of glass that she could see.

  “I’m sorry, honey,” she said as she quietly stood up – her sudden change in mood and composure caused Leon to turn around. Before he could say anything, quick as a flash, Kim swiped the glass shard across Leon’s neck – splitting a hole straight across it. A large gaping wound that instantly pumped blood down his front, over Kim and into a large puddle on the floor.

  Leon gasped and gargled as he dropped to his knees, clutching his wound, before falling face first onto the bathroom floor – lifeless. At first Kim didn’t move. She simply stood there, staring ahead to where Leon had been standing, with the shard of glass still in the palm of her hand and a look of pure hatred on her bloodied face.

  12

  KIRK DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING. He just sat there. Truth be told, he didn’t know what to say. He knew ‘bad things’ had happened to Kim but he didn’t realise things had gone this far for her. Another emotion was bubbling away inside of him – fear. He wasn’t scared of her. He wasn’t scared of what she had done. He was scared for her. Kirk knew why she killed Leon. He knew that if she hadn’t killed him then, one day, he probably would have killed her – either directly or indirectly; Leon would have been the cause of her death.

  “I’m sorry, I’ll just go,” said Kim as she stood up, ready to go.

  Kirk took hold her wrist and pulled her back down to the sofa, “No, don’t go.” She looked at him with a puzzled look on her face. “I’m sorry I was just a little shocked. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

  “I killed a man,” replied Kim.

  “No you didn’t.”

  Leon wasn’t a man. A real man doesn’t force a woman to do anything that she doesn’t want to. A real man doesn’t turn the love of his life into a sex toy for strangers and a real man certainly doesn’t beat up women. By killing Leon, Kirk believed Kim did herself, and society, a favour.

  “They’ll say I killed him when they find him though. They’ll say it was me that took his life and they’ll be right.” Kim started to cry. She wasn’t crying for the life she took. She was crying for the life she was yet to lose.

  “You could say you were with me,” said Kirk as he held onto Kim’s hands. He didn’t believe in murder but he did believe in self-defence. Kim was in trouble and he knew it and he didn’t want her to get arrested for killing a monster.

  Kim looked at him, a look of disbelief in her eyes, “You’d lie for me?” A smile flickered briefly on her face before instantly fading again. It would be a beautiful lie. It would be a lie they wouldn’t get away with; a lie that would lead Kirk into trouble as well – and Kim knew it. Her prints were all over the shard of glass that killed Leon. Footprints of blood lead away from the room. The neighbours could have heard all of the commotion. Even if she could get home and clear away anything that linked her to the actual crime – the neighbours had probably already phoned the police. She couldn’t go back. She couldn’t risk it. “I don’t want you to lie for me,” she said; a lie. If she thought they could get away with it, she would have loved for him to lie for her.

  He was willing to lie for her. A gesture like that, she thought, surely meant that he liked her. You wouldn’t just lie for someone you didn’t care about. Not a lie like that.

  “I’m not going to kick you out of here,” he said, referring to his house. “You can stay here as long as you need to. When you’re ready – we can always go to the police station together. I’ll back your story up about the abuse suffered and what he made you do. They may let you off.”

  Kim smiled. Kirk was sweet. Kirk was sweet but he didn’t understand. She had no intention of going to the police.

  * * * * *

  Kim sat on the bathroom floor, in a puddle of Leon’s blood, next to the body. She didn’t cry. She was glad that he was dead. It was nothing short of what he deserved. She looked to her hands, caked in fresh blood and watched as they shook due to the adrenalin, and fear, that was coursing through her entire body. She was glad that he was dead but, at the same time, she knew she was in trouble.

  Even with everything that she had been through, in her life, Kim knew that she wouldn’t survive in prison. People like her – they weren’t made to live behind b
ars with real murderers, rapists and robbers. She wasn’t a criminal. She wasn’t a criminal – just a murderer. She dropped the shard of glass to the floor where it shattered into smaller fragments, by her side. Her eyes followed one of the smaller shards as it skidded across the floor and halted next to the small, silver wrap that Leon had tried to give her earlier. He had said that it would help to ease the pain. What about to help ease the fear? She picked it up and wrapped it; a chalk-like substance within with a strong chemically scent – an unusual scent but not an unpleasant one. She knew what it was although she had never seen it before. Not in ‘real life’. Kim didn’t even think to question why Leon had it, or where he had got it from, as she held the drug, already crushed, to her nose and sniffed hard.

  Kim coughed hard as the cocaine hit the back of her throat for the first time; a weird, yet strangely pleasant, sensation that left a funny taste in her mouth. It wasn’t long before her mouth, even her teeth, felt numb to the touch and she couldn’t help but to keep running her tongue across her front teeth. She knew she was in trouble because of what she had done and yet, now, she didn’t care quite as much. Her mind was awash with a newfound confidence. As she sat there feeling the pleasant effects of the cocaine she realised that she didn’t have to sit here and wait to be found. She didn’t need to wait for them to be found. With all the money she had raised, through working, there’d be enough to get away from it all – at least to another city where no one would know her. Another city where she may get the chance to live a normal life; something she craved ever since Jackie got sick for the second time and it was taken away from her.

  Kim picked herself up from the floor and stepped over Leon’s body, leaving bloody footprints, as she went back into the main bedroom and towards the cupboard that contained the small safe Leon had purchased with some of the money. He didn’t trust banks with his money and didn’t trust the strangers that frequented the bedroom so made the safe one of the first purchases – somewhere safe to keep his money. But there was no money inside.

  The safe door opened to reveal more silver wraps and a syringe – evidently Leon hadn’t just started taking cocaine but had also been experimenting with other drugs. Kim couldn’t believe it. She couldn’t believe how stupid she had been not to recognise any signs. She knew he had changed, for the worse, and had mood problems but she had always put it down to stress. She never thought that he’d be involved with drugs. In hindsight it was obvious there was something more to his personality change and sudden greed of money but love, and a desperate hope of normality, had blinded her. How could she have been so stupid? Her heart sank as she dropped to her knees – a feeling of helplessness washed over her again, drowning out the effects of the cocaine, as she felt trapped once more. With no money there was nowhere she could run to. There was no way of escaping her crimes. Her mind clouded over with images of prison, and what she could expect from her actions, until they were interrupted with the sound of a telephone; Leon’s mobile phone ringing in his trouser pocket – his trousers that were thrown over the chair ready for him just to throw on. Leon didn’t have a personal mobile phone. He only ever carried the work phone around with him; the ringing alerting him that another client wanted to see Kim.

  This time the phone was telling Kim more than that. It was telling her that there was a way out of this mess. All she had to do was take the calls and insist on seeing the clients in their houses or hotels only; don’t let them come to her house – don’t let them see Leon. The phone was telling her, this time, that all she had to do was work for one more night, as many appointments as she physically could, to raise enough money to get as far away as possible. She stood up and ran over to the trousers before taking the phone from the left hand pocket.

  She didn’t pause in answering it. She knew this was her best shot of getting away from it all. She knew it was her best shot of getting away with murder. More importantly – she knew that if she waited any longer to answer the phone, the person on the other end could quite easily think she was out and hang up.

  “Hello?” she said, her voice shaking. It was the first time she had answered the phone to a potential booking. Leon had always taken care of that side of things – both to be sure she’d get the booking but also to make it look as though he deserved a cut of the money she made from the strangers. She listened to the stranger’s question before answering, “Yes, this is Stacey.” Stacey was her working name. She refused to use Kim. She believed that, if her mum could see her, her mum may not believe it was her daughter that she was watching, if she used a fake name. She hoped that her mum would believe it was someone else’s poor daughter that was on the game – someone that just happened to look similar to her own daughter.

  “It’s your lucky day! I am free now,” said Kim to the stranger on the other end of the phone-line. She hurried over to the bedside cabinet and grabbed a pen and piece of paper from the drawer before scribbling down an address; Kirk’s address.

  “I’ll see you soon,” she said before putting the phone down. The first appointment of the day was booked. All she had to do was get ready and out of the house before the other appointment arrived. She couldn’t go through with the appointment that was already arranged for the day – not with Leon in the bathroom.

  13

  “WAS THAT ME ON THE PHONE?” asked Kirk.

  “Yes. Are you angry?”

  Kirk didn’t say anything. There was nothing to be angry about. Not for him, anyway. He had called her and he understood why she answered the phone. She believed that she had to – to try and raise the money she needed. She was only trying to survive.

  “Did you want me to leave now?” asked Kim worried from the lack of response from Kirk.

  “No,” he said suddenly. “I’ve already said you can stay for as long as you need to. It’s not a problem.” He kept telling himself that it was self-defence that drove her to murder. She wasn’t a murderer. “He deserved it,” he said out loud. Kim smiled – she was grateful to Kirk. She was grateful for everything he was doing for her and she was grateful, even more so, that he understood her.

  Kim smiled and looked away from him, embarrassed, “I bet you wish you never called me now.”

  “I wish I had called you sooner,” he replied. She turned back to him and looked in his eyes. The windows of his soul showed her that he was being sincere. He meant everything he said to her. She wanted to lean in, close to him, hopeful that he’d lean in to her; hopeful that he’d kiss her. She didn’t lean in. It wasn’t the right time. She smiled again.

  “Thank you for everything,” she said as she continued to look at Kirk. Kirk, on the other hand, didn’t look at her – he was looking to the floor as though he was in deep thought. He was in deep thought; trying to think of a way out of her predicament for her. “Would you mind if I had that bath now?” she asked hoping to break him from his trance-like state. He didn’t reply. “Kirk?” she continued.

  “I’m sorry – I was miles away,” he looked up to her and smiled. It was a smile that tried desperately to hide his obvious worry for her. It was a smile that failed.

  Kim chose to ignore it, “I said would you mind if I had that bath now?”

  “No, not at all, I’ll show you where everything is.” He stood up, with Kim, and led her up the stairs to the bathroom. It was another white bathroom. Kim shook the images of all the men, she had slept with, from her mind as the hotel-style bathroom teased the memories to the forefront of her mind again. “Are you okay?” asked Kirk.

  “I’m fine. Thanks again – for everything.”

  Kirk smiled and pointed out the towel that hung from the rail, next to the radiator, “I’ll leave you to it. Just shout if you need anything.” With that he turned and walked from the room, closing the door quietly behind him.

  Kim stood and stared at the door, momentarily, wondering whether Kirk was on his way down the stairs to phone the police. Part of her wanted to run and a bigger part of her wanted to be able to trust him. She pre
ssed her ear close to the door – waiting to hear his voice. Instead of his voice, she heard a door close further down the landing. She put the negative thoughts of Kirk from her mind. Even if he did call the police, she knew that one day that’d probably catch up with her anyway and maybe, as he said, they would let her go due to the circumstances. She didn’t believe it enough to turn herself in but, if someone else turned her in – she’d have no choice but to try and believe. She ran the hot water, for her bath, and looked to her sorry reflection in the mirror. Whenever she looked into a mirror she always saw the worst; this sorry looking woman who fucked men for money. She never saw the woman that she really was – the victim. She closed her eyes. She knew Kirk didn’t see her in the same light she looked upon herself with. She wondered; did he see her as a victim or did he see her as something more? The more Kirk was in her mind; the more she thought of him. Not all of the men she had appointments with were horrible to her but none of them came close to the kindness that Kirk offered. None of the other men seemed to be as human.

  “He’s probably phoning the police right now,” whispered a voice from behind Kim. She opened her eyes and saw Leon, standing behind her, in the reflection of the mirror. She knew he wasn’t really there. Just as before, in the hotel room, it was her guilty subconscious haunting her; reminding her that she doesn’t have the right to think of anything other than her past actions. She doesn’t have the right to wonder whether she could ever lead a normal, happy life with Kirk.