I've Got This Round
Page 25
* Fuckin’ Marco, man. Like it isn’t already difficult enough to trust cops in today’s society. From now on, trust your vaj, not the badge!
* I can only blame my jet-lagged investigative reporting on my hunger.
* Bojangles’ is a southeastern fast-food chain that sells biscuits that are so buttery and flaky that whenever I see their sign, I black out and forget I’m a vegan.
* BAHAHAHAHA. Dustin checked in. So close to Dunston Checks In. No doubt one of the top three films to ever feature an orangutan as an unruly hotel guest.
* Seriously, though, why are sitcom wives always putting on bedside table hand cream?! In any other scenario this would insinuate that it was about to be hand job central. But no, these wives must always have chapped hands from doing dishes. Resist, ladies. Resist!
* In truth, it is because the description of the class said that each student would assume a role in the class. Naturally, I wanted to be a serf solely so I could say, “Serfs up!” at every chance I got.
* I am going to go ahead and assume that since you are indeed literate, you probably agree with me that Trump is a terrible, unqualified, misogynistic pig. If not, you don’t deserve this book. That’s right! Take it to the Barnes & Noble counter, purchase it at full price, walk out of the store, and throw it in the trash.
* Actually, it probably saved them money. I said it once, and I’ll say it again: first class is a rip-off. Sure, do I enjoy boarding first and having the ability to fully recline and being served a hot meal? Of course I do. But there is no amenity that would make me pay out of pocket for first class. If I’m spending three to five times as much on a ticket, then that meal better be prepared table side by Iron Chef Morimoto, okay?
* Instagramming your food is sad enough but doing a throwback Thursday of an entrée you miss is even too “fat kid” for me.
* My other mantra to get me through anything is “hot showers, cold martinis,” which I will often chant over and over to myself to get me through a tough day.
* I don’t know what it is about The Big Bang Theory that always makes me watch it on flights. I NEVER watch it on land. Same thing with drinking tomato juice on a flight. I have seen maybe two people in my entire life order a tomato juice at a restaurant, but put those motherfuckers thirty thousand feet in the air and it’s like the red stuff is blood and they just got bit by Edward Cullen.
* Curse words.
* That story ain’t in this book. Penguin, give me a third book, and give the readers what they want.
* “Mace” is our “ship” name, the combo of our first names together. It also has an extra layer because, just like mace spray, when we get together, that shit can be dangerous.
* For those of you who’ve read the first book, you will remember these British blokes as the dudes who saved Grace’s and Jos’s and my butts by giving us a ride home from Vegas after Britney Spears’s show. Don’t know this story? I’m sure that book is cheaper on Amazon right now than one decent glass of wine. You’re almost done with this one; Prime Now it for backup!
* That did NOT happen. Karma doesn’t work like that. But how hilarious is it that people who aren’t reading these footnotes think I’m an awful person?
* Yeah, you wish I’d write about that, don’t you?? Some friendship stories must remain among friends.
* No. Just no. Please don’t sing Radiohead on karaoke. Or Tool. Or Live. Or Pearl Jam. Or anything else that won an MTV VMA in the nineties for the alternative category.
* Can you imagine if I earnestly ended my book with an “XOXO” like I’m Gossip Girl or something?! LOLZ. See you next time, suckas.