Falling Into Infinity

by Layne Harper

  He is staring at me with such intensity that it sends a shiver down my spine. “Wait a second, Charlie. I didn’t do the leaving. You ran away to Boston and left me with a shattered heart. I wanted to marry you. You wanted peace and quiet.”

  “Please Colin,” I beg. “We have a lot to discuss. Please don’t make this evening more difficult than it has to be.”

  Here we stand. His 6”5” staring down at my 5’7”. His green eyes locked with my lavender. Our bodies humming for each other. Before I can stop myself, I stand on my tiptoes and kiss his mouth. He responds instantly. At first, our lips are tentative, gently getting reacquainted with each other’s lips and tongues. Once our mouths remember, the intensity increases from timid to passionate. His hands wrap themselves in my hair, gently tugging. I reach up and feel his face. His stubbly five o’clock shadow is prickly under my fingertips. I run my fingers over the short hairs savoring the sensation. For once, my mind is blank. I am living in the moment and feeling Colin.

  He pulls away first, looking at me with such a heady expression on his face that for a split second I think he might take me on the pool table. “We need to go back downstairs and join the family before we take each other on the pool table.”

  I read him correctly. We may have been separated for most of our twenties, but I can still read his mind.

  I start smoothing my hair and making sure that I am put together. “That was something else,” I breathe.

  He fixes a piece of my hair as we walk out of Clay’s trophy room. I notice the tremendous bulge in his pants. I love that I still have this effect on him.

  “I think that you’re more beautiful now than you were in college,” he whispers to me.

  “Thank you Colin. You always made me feel so wanted,” I reply with a wistful smile on my face as we walk back down the winding staircase.

  “Then, what the fuck happened, Charlie? We had a life planned.” The anger is back in his voice, and it takes me by surprise.

  I stop in the foyer and turn to look at him with pleading eyes. “Please, let’s just get through the next couple of hours.”

  He nods his head in confirmation.

  I walk in the kitchen, while Colin walks into the half bath under the stairs to sort himself out.

  My dad is having a glass of wine as he laughs with Janis and Clay about something that he read about in the news. All four of the South children are setting the table. It’s obvious that Janis has them well trained. The three boys are in charge of the plates and silverware. Little Marley is putting the glasses on the table. I ask if I can help them. Janis says, “Thank you Caroline, but the fearsome foursome want their weekly allowance.”

  She offers me a glass of red wine, which I gladly accept. Clay notices that I am back. “Where’s Colin?” he asks with a knowing chuckle.

  I play dumb, but I am very well aware of what he is insinuating. “He’s in the restroom. Your trophy room is really something else,” I divert the conversation.

  “What did you like the best?” he asks. I know that this is Clay’s test.

  “The picture of you, Colin, and Baby Marley. Her tiny body, wrapped in a pink blanket, being cradled by two giant crying men, was one of the most beautiful things that I have ever seen.”

  He replies, “We weren’t crying. Were we Colin?”

  I can feel Colin walk in behind me. “No, we weren’t crying. There was just something in our eyes,” he says, confirming Clay’s story with a laugh.

  Marley says, “Mommy told me that Daddy and Uncle Colin cried like babies when I was born because they were so happy to see me. My brothers cried because they knew I was going to run their lives.” She is a sassy little thing and reminds me a lot of my youngest sister.

  Colin bombards Marley with lots of tickles making her scream and laugh at the same time.

  My dad agrees that every man should get at least one daughter while he winks at me.

  Janis puts all the food dishes on the table family style. The four kids obviously have assigned seats. Marley insists that Uncle Colin sit right next to her. I sit next to Colin. My dad sits across from me. Before dinner is passed, we all bow our heads and the oldest son, Marlon, leads us in prayer. I didn’t realize that families still did this. It’s very nice.

  Then, the food is passed and everyone digs in. Janis is some kind of cook. I haven’t had good southern food in years. We have mashed potatoes, green beans, corn on the cob, and fried chicken. I stay quiet during dinner, not because I don’t have anything to say, but because I am too busy shoveling the food in. My dad even raises his eyebrow at me.

  “Colin, Doctor Collins are you playing golf with me tomorrow?” Clay asks.

  I am not sure if he talking to my dad or me. Just as I am about to reply, Colin touches my leg under the table. “Something has come up, Clay. I’ll have to catch you next time,” he says.

  My dad says, “I didn’t bring my clubs, but I would love to play if I can rent some?”

  Clay shoots Colin a knowing look and then turns to my father. “I am sure that I can find you some clubs. What about you Caroline?”

  “I have a spa day scheduled,” I reply. Colin squeezes my thigh under the table. I am presuming that it is his way of urging me to cancel it. I honestly don’t need much persuasion. His touch alone on my thigh is enough. Dare I even hope that I am the something that came up?

  Clay must be teaching Marlon how to play golf because he asks if he can play with them. Colin jumps in before Clay can respond, “Marlon, your daddy is such a poor excuse for a golfer that Uncle Colin will set you up with lessons. You need to learn from someone good.”

  This launches the four South kids into a fit of giggles and Clay pretends to pout. He says to Colin, “You better watch it Uncle Colin. You don’t want me to embarrass you in an arm wrestling contest.”

  After dinner, Janis has those four sweet kids clearing the table while she serves us apple cobbler with vanilla ice cream. I might not fit in my dress tomorrow if I have many more meals like this. I think about politely declining, but that seems rude. I take two delicious bites and announce that I am full. Colin grabs my bowl to finish my portion while Marley starts lecturing him on how gross it is to eat after someone else.

  I think, What would she say to him if she knew that he put his tongue in my mouth?

  After dinner, Janis sends the kids to take their showers, brush their teeth, and get ready for their night stories. Clay, Colin, and my dad head outside to look at Clay’s retirement present. The word retirement associated with a 38-year-old really makes me laugh. I get the impression that it is something dangerous because Janis shoots Clay a not pleased look. I stay inside and help Janis with the dishes.

  As soon as she is sure that we are alone, she says as she loads the dishwasher, “I know the story of you and Colin, at least from Colin’s point of view. He’s a good guy, Charlie, I mean Caroline. Sorry,” she apologizes. “You’ve been Charlie for so long,” she says with a laugh. “Calling you Caroline will take some getting used to.”

  I smile at her. “Janis, I frankly don’t know what Colin’s side of the story is. Once we decided to separate, we didn’t speak to each other again. All I do know is that we were young, crazy in love, and I was completely overwhelmed with his new life. Between fans mobbing us and the media hounding us, I felt like I had personally lost myself all because I was a girl who loved a boy. It was too much to take in at twenty-one. I also was dealing with my own demons.” I pause for a moment to make sure that I say what I want to say correctly. “At twenty-nine, I can see so much more clearly how young we really were. This is the first time that I have seen him in eight years. Although, tonight, I learned that he has seen me. It’s become evident that Colin and I have a lot we need to discuss.”

  “Well, I will tell you this. Colin doesn’t pass up an opportunity to play golf with Clay. Clay is an awful golf player and Colin takes great pleasure is beating him and cleaning out his wallet. Either something really important came up, or Mr. M
cKinney is planning on spending some time alone with you away from the watchful eyes of Daddy,” she states.

  I finish rinsing the rest of the plates and think about what she just said. I hope that she’s right. Colin and I apparently have a lot to say to each other. Daddy playing golf would give us five hours together. Then, I start to worry. Maybe what we have to say to each other isn’t good. Surely he can see his part in our break up. Does he think that he’s blameless? Either way, I reason, I’ll hopefully get the closure that I need to move on with my life.

  I glance at the clock. It’s only 9:30. I start to ponder why I am so tired when I realize that it’s really 11:30 at home. I try to stifle a yawn.

  Janis must pick up on my clue. “Clay will keep you guys here all night. He is really infatuated with his new toys. I’ll gently suggest that he drive you back to your hotel.”

  “Thanks Janis. This has been a lovely evening. I adore your kids and am glad you invited me to dinner. I obviously loved my meal. You know, I have five sisters and this reminded me a lot of home,” I tease.

  “Well, Miss Charlie, I hope you will not be a stranger around here,” she says as she walks outside to find the men.

  Chapter 4

  CLAY DRIVES us back to the hotel in the “family car” as he calls it. Once again, Colin insists on sitting in the back seat with me. The difference this time is that the car is much wider, and we can’t surreptitiously happen to touch each other while sitting in captain’s chairs. Clay, my dad, and Colin start talking football gossip. I tune out. I would put money on the fact that football players gossip more than any group of sorority girls in the country. This gives me an opportunity to watch the dynamic between these men. My dad, who has twenty plus years on these guys, fits in well. He has never acted his age. I like that about him and make a mental note to tell him. Clay is giving Colin all kinds of grief over Dallas’s last season. Colin is dishing it right back.

  Clay has won five Super Bowls. Colin has not won any. I know from my failed attempts to not follow Colin’s career that this has been a huge disappointment for him personally and for the team. The Dallas media and fans have not abandoned Colin yet, but they are growing impatient.

  Then, Colin starts asking Clay how long before he gets into coaching. This must be a sore subject because Clay gives all kinds of evasive answers. I get from the conversation that Janis is ready to have Clay home for a little while before he dives back into the football grind.

  I close my eyes and lean my head back. I can always sleep in a car. I am startled awake by Clay saying, “Are we boring you Doctor Collins Jr.?” His voice booms laughing at me.

  “Doctor Collins Jr.?” I ask. “I think Caroline will do.”

  “How about Baby Doctor Collins?” he teases me again.

  “How about Doctor Ms. Collins?” I suggest back with a raised eyebrow.

  “How about Charlie?” he says.

  Colin chuckles.

  “Charlie hasn’t been my name for eight years,” I reply a little too defensively.

  “You two need to lock yourselves in a room and get your shit straight,” he says, motioning to Colin and me while he drives. “You change your name. He hates Boston. Fucked up. That’s what you two are,” he concludes.

  I suck in a huge breath of air as Colin looks at me waiting for my reaction. I am hoping that he will say something, but he just sits there.

  The car is quiet. I have to say something because his comment was directed at me. “Clay, thanks for your words of wisdom. You can now add therapist to your list of after retirement jobs,” is the best that I can come up with.

  Colin and my dad howl with laughter. I take it that Clay is not used to having a female to spar with.

  “Janis would get a kick out of that. Doctor Clay South, Psychiatrist,” Colin teases.

  Fortunately, we are back at the hotel because I think Colin and Clay would have only escalated the teasing. I am exhausted, but I would like to talk to Colin alone for a few minutes before I see him tomorrow night at the dinner. Clay drops us off at the circle drive. I am relieved when he gets back in the car. Now, I just have to ditch my dad.

  “Daddy, I need to stop by the front desk and get more towels for my room,” I lie.

  He stops walking turns back to me. He leans to my ear and whispers, “You’re very smart and doing so well. I love you, but please be careful.”

  I give him a reassuring hug back. As he walks to the bank of elevators, Colin joins me.

  “Care to have a drink at the bar?” he asks.

  “Why? So you can drink a bottle of water, and I can get shit faced? That sounds like a terrible plan to me,” I say half-kidding.

  “Okay. How about if we both drink water at the hotel bar?” He laughs back.

  “Fine. Don’t try to get me drunk, though,” I warn him.

  He grabs my hand and leads me toward a corner table. There are two very comfortable looking club chairs at the table. The bar is very dark and feels private. The soft classical music playing in the background is just loud enough to mask conversation.

  The waitress quickly greets us. I order a glass of Alexander Valley Cabernet. Colin orders a bottle of water. I roll my eyes at him.

  All of sudden, it’s the big moment when we should have the talk that we’ve been avoiding for eight years, and there is obvious tension in the air. This feels more like a first date than a reunion with the boyfriend I was going to marry.

  He starts making idle chitchat asking me about my practice. I tell him about Brad. He tells me about his assistant Jenny. I instantly feel a hint of jealousy until he informs me that she is in her mid-forties.

  Once my wine arrives and I’ve had a few sips, I feel braver. I decide to jump into the deep end and see what happens. “I know that you were married once.”

  “Wow! Charlie. Way to go from assistants to divorces. Shit!” he says, laughing at my conversation direction.

  I don’t bother to correct my name, or address the swing in conversation. “It’s eaten at me for a long time, Colin.”

  He looks uncomfortable and shifts in his chair. A few moments of silence hang between us before he answers me. “Well, I married her after knowing her for four months. It was about a year after you broke up with me.”

  “You mean after we broke up with each other,” I correct.

  He shoots me his angry look. I ignore it and say, “Please continue.”

  “Anyway, we didn’t know each other at all. The marriage lasted six months. The divorce took two years. I finally paid her to go away, and that’s what she did. Aiden and Quinn called her Rebound Chick, and I now know that’s what she was. I was in a shitty place in my life, and I thought she was what I wanted,” he finishes.

  “It hurt me terribly to read that you married someone so quickly after we broke up,” I say, looking down and picking an imaginary piece of lint off my lavender dress.

  “That dress reminds me of the one that I bought you,” he says with hunger filled eyes.

  “Lavender has always been my best color.” I smile at him.

  “I didn’t do it to hurt you intentionally. Although, I was hoping that you would call me when the engagement was announced,” he admits.

  “No. Colin. You did do it intentionally. You poured salt in an open, gaping wound,” I reply angrily. I couldn’t believe it when I got the phone call from Rachael that Colin was engaged. I was devastated. Instead of doing what I normally would have done, which was go for a very long run, I called my therapist. We had an emergency appointment. She made me see that my decision to put space between Colin and I was correct. He was looking for a wedding. I wanted a life.

  “Okay,” he admits. “At the time I didn’t think that I was using her to get back at you. I thought she was helping heal my broken heart. However, in hindsight I wanted to prove to you that others could take your place.”

  His words crush me. I’m shocked that he could have wanted to inflict pain on me. I quickly remind myself that he was twenty-three at th
e time and obviously in a very angry place.

  My wine is drained. I knew this would happen. I am looking for the waitress to order another glass. I get her attention and also ask for some bar mix.

  After a few minutes of silence, he says, “Just for the record, Charlie. No one has ever taken your place.” There is such a level of sadness in his face and voice that my heart sinks. Shit! His confession knocks me for a loop. I don’t know how to respond. I drop my eyes so he can’t read me.

  “I love how healthy you look. I was worried that when I saw you again, you would be skin and bones.” He compliments me, but I know that it’s his way of asking if I got help for my eating disorder.

  I give him the answers that he needs to hear. “Thank you. I’ve worked really hard on myself. By the time that I started at Harvard I was painfully thin. My dad found me a great therapist in Boston. I finally dealt with a lot of the issues that I had from my parents’ divorce, my fear of marriage, our break up, and my issues with control. Therapy sucked, and it’s still not easy. I see someone once a month in Houston for tune-ups as she calls them. “

  “I’m glad you decided to get healthy. I checked with Rachael frequently to make sure that you weren’t slipping back into old ways. I was pleased when she said that you were seeing a therapist,” he confesses.

  “Funny, my dear best friend never mentioned that you were checking up on me.” I am hurt. I don’t like the idea of people speaking about me behind my back.

  “I asked her not to tell you. I never asked her any other questions about you. I just had to know that you weren’t sick,” he explains.

  The waitress brings me my second glass of wine and the mixed nuts which essentially ends that topic.

  The wine begins to talk again and I say, “This is the craziest thing that I have experienced, Colin. In some ways it feels like we have been apart for a couple of days. I want to touch you and kiss you just like we used to do. But I don’t know you anymore. I have so many questions. I don’t know where you live. I don’t know what your favorite color is. Do you still have Big Bertha? You were the person that I was the most comfortable with, and here I sit across from you feeling like a stranger.” Yup! That was definitely the wine talking.