SINS OF THY MOTHER

by Niki Jilvontae

  To our surprise someone had cleaned up the house from top to bottom and even did the laundry, which was stacked up neatly in separate piles on the table by the front door. Sha looked at me in disbelief as Terricka pushed me to the side to look around the rest of the downstairs. All I could do was stare at the bright yellow walls, which I swore were brown due to the dirt buildup that had been on them all of my life. I couldn’t figure out what was going on as I walked over to the couch and ran my fingers over the cool, damp fabric. Someone had even cleaned the upholstery on the tattered, second-hand couch, loveseat and chair we had in the living room.

  “What the hell is going on? I know she not….It couldn’t be.” I said to myself out loud as I racked my brain trying to figure out what was going on.

  The last time my mother had cleaned or did anything beneficial to us was when she went back on her meds for a day to receive her child support back pay from Shamel’s father. That was over two years ago and it only lasted 24 hours because as soon as the meds wore off my mother was back to her usual mean, insane self. She spent the entire day breaking and destroying everything beautiful she had done when she was on her meds. Her down periods after taking meds were much worse than her usual insane fits and I hoped like hell she was not about to repeat that cycle again.

  “What the fuck? Tisha, Sha... come here.” Terricka said from the kitchen, startling me out of my thoughts as Sha and I ran to see what was going on.

  When I ran into the kitchen I knew right then that my worst nightmare was indeed true. The usually dirty, stinky kitchen Terricka and I worked to clean each day was absolutely spotless without a dish in the sink. Sha quickly opened the refrigerator to reveal that it was filled with fruits, veggies, milk, and eggs, and there was actually name brand cereal in the cabinets. I watched my brother’s eyes light up as he quickly went over to the cabinet and got him out a dish to make a bowl of Fruit Loops.

  I could do nothing but stand there and wonder as I watched Terricka’s facial expression go from a look of confusion to one of suspicion. I could tell that she was trying to figure out what was going on just like I was as she looked at me out of the side of her eye. I nodded my head at my sister, letting her know that we were sharing thoughts as she continued to stare at me.

  “I don’t trust this shit either, T.” I said to my sister as I went over to the refrigerator to snatch down the picture of my mother, Sha, Terricka, and I back when Sha was five years old and we went to the fair.

  That was one of my fondest memories of my mother when she was on her meds and had her shit together. I used to love to see that picture and relive our happier days. However, after being beaten, sold, and treated like a dog for so long, I didn’t have hope of getting those happy times back. I didn’t want to see those fairytale pictures, reminding me of a happier time I would never get back. All I wanted was to finally get away from the hell living I had to endure with my mother and never return.

  “We gotta find Denise, Tisha. We gotta find her and see what’s going on. You know how this scenario plays out and I’m not going through that bullshit again.” Terricka said to me as she walked out of the kitchen and I followed.

  We left Sha in the kitchen eating his cereal, oblivious to the shit storm that was brewing as we went upstairs to find our mother. Terricka led the way, breathing hard and clenching her fists as I walked behind her holding my breath and anticipating the worst. When we got on the landing, I looked towards my mother’s room and I could hear her humming a church song under her breath. I looked at Terricka in astonishment at the same time as she looked at me, totally dumbfounded.

  “Is that mama singing? What’s going on, Tisha?” Terricka asked me as my mother suddenly appeared in the hallway.

  When she stepped out on to the landing, I felt the breath in my body leave. I couldn’t believe my eyes as my mother walked towards us with a blue sweater dress and knee high boots on. Her hair was clean and neatly curled, she had on makeup, and her eyes were as clear as I had ever saw them. I knew right then that it was true that my mother was back on her meds and for a brief moment sane. The only question that kept nagging me was why she was back on her meds? I didn’t have to wonder about that long as my mother came over and hugged me and Terricka before she spoke.

  “Hey my babies, my Tisha and Terricka. I’m so glad y’all are home. Mommy is about to finish dinner and then we have a meeting with the social worker to ensure Shamel keeps getting his support. Maybe when the meeting is over, we can all have movie night. What do you think ladies? By the way, where is Shamel?” My mother asked us as Terricka and I looked at her like she had lost her damn mind.

  It was crazy to me how my mother could be the perfect woman when she was on her meds and the most evil devil from hell when she wasn’t. It was that wishy-washy demeanor that made me not trust my mother at all.

  “Sha downstairs. Ma, are you back on your meds and if so for how long this time? Will we wake up in the morning to the crazy Denise again or will we smell fresh muffins and Pine Sol when we open our eyes? Well, which one is it mother because I’m tired of this shit. One day you love us and the next day you hate us, we’re tired of it Denise.” Terricka said with tears streaming down her cheeks as she rolled her eyes and smacked her lips.

  My mother tried to grab my sister and pull her into an embrace, but Terricka pushed her away before turning back to me.

  “I am not about to go through this bullshit with Denise. You can stay here and play like the Huxtables if you want to, but I’m out of here. I’m not about to pretend with her crazy ass. I’ll be back tonight when this bullshit is over.” Terricka said to me before rolling her eyes at our mother and stomping down the steps.

  I watched my sister disappear down the stairs before turning back around to face my mother, who was staring down the steps with tears in her eyes. The sad look on my mother’s face when I looked at her almost made me forget all of the horrible things she had done to me. It seemed that no matter how much she hurt me and told me she hated me, I still loved her deep down, and didn’t want to see her hurting. Against my better judgment, I reached over and wiped away the tears streaming down my mother’s cheeks as her frown quickly turned into a smile.

  For that split second in time, I could feel my mother’s love as we gazed into each other’s eyes. Seeing my mother in her right mind and actually expressing an emotion other than anger touched my heart for a moment. Gone were the ‘I hate you’s’ and I wish she would just die. In that moment, I was a little girl again and my mother was loving me like only she could. I wanted that moment to last forever. My heart told me to have hope that things would be different and I tried to hold on to that glimmer of hope, even though my mind told me not to.

  “It’s okay, mama. I know it hurts to see Terricka so mad, but you have to understand this is all your fault. You have done some horrible things, mama, and we will probably never be able to forgive you for them. But, none of that matters right now though. All that matters is keeping you on your meds, happy, and being a real mama. So if that means I have to pretend for the authorities, so be it. Sha deserves some time with the real you.” I said to my mother as she sniffled while hugging me and then turn to walk away.

  I watched her as she went back into her room and turned the vacuum on to finish cleaning. I sighed at the thought of her new responsible mother act being just a ploy to keep her check as I went into me and Terricka’s room. Inside I found that my mother had cleaned that as well. All of our clothes were neatly folded and hung up and there was new outfits and shoes for us laying on the bed. I walked over to the bed and sat down, running my fingers over the soft, pink, cotton sweater and black skirt that my mother had set out for me. I couldn’t help but to get choked up as I admired the accessories and brand new panty and bra set that was also laid out.

  It was apparent to me that my mother had put great thought into the items she bought us, I just couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t do that all of the time. Why couldn’t she be the mother she w
as supposed to be when it mattered the most? When no one was watching? I couldn’t figure out why her love and compassion always had to come at an astronomical cost. As I listened to my mother sing and clean like a Stepford Wife, I was sure that I wasn’t going to figure out the answers to any of my questions before the meds wore off and she transformed back into a demon. That’s why instead of dwelling on the inevitable, I got up off my ass, grabbed my clothes, and went into the bathroom to shower and get dressed. I decided that I was going to reap some of the benefits of having a sane mother before it all came to an end.

  After my hot shower in the newly cleaned bathroom, I went downstairs feeling refreshed and renewed. Sha was in front of the TV watching afternoon cartoons when I entered. I couldn’t help but to smile as I watched him lying on the freshly shampooed carpet, eating a bag of chips, smacking away like he didn’t have a care in the world. I loved to see him so happy and out of his shell. I rarely had the opportunity to watch him enjoy being at home so that sight really warmed my heart.

  “You enjoying yourself, huh Twerp?” I said to Sha as he giggled and I bent down to steal one of his chips on my way to the kitchen.

  Like Sha, I was not going to waste time being mad or wondering how long the happiness would last. Instead I was going to take advantage of what I had right then. When I walked around the corner to the kitchen, the smell of lasagna, pork chops, and fresh garlic bread hit my nose at once. My stomach churned as I stood in the doorway and watched my mother take the lasagna and garlic bread out of the oven before turning to look at me.

  “Ahhh, my Tisha. I knew you were coming down when the aroma hit your nose. See, mama made your favorite foods. Everything gonna be alright, baby. And you look so beautiful in your new outfit…I wish Terricka was here. But, I won’t spoil the moment with ugliness, we all must be on our best behavior today. Now, go set the table for me, please.” My mother said to me while winking her eye and wearing a huge smile on her face.

  Even though she had hurt me to my core on numerous occasions, I couldn’t deny the happiness I felt seeing her well again. Somewhere deep inside of me a seedling of hope sprouted as I smiled back at my mother before walking over to the new dining room table and setting three places.

  “No baby, set four places. Mrs. Jenkins, Sha’s social worker, is having dinner with us. AND I WANT BOTH YOU AND SHA ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR. YOU HEAR ME, SHAMEL?” My mother yelled into the living room with a big, fake smile on her face as she stepped into the doorway to stare my brother down.

  Right then, I remembered why I couldn’t stand my mother and why I didn’t trust her. I didn’t like her or trust her because I knew that she would never change. I was so happy to have her back with us, I had ignored the voice in my head that told me she was acting. However, beneath the surface, I knew that she was sober and on her meds for one reason, and one reason only, to get the check. Everything she was doing was just a part of her master plan. There was no real love or genuine praise there, only the med induced emotions and unrelenting tricks of a junky wrapped up in a clean, pretty little package. My mother was showing her true colors before the meds had even wore off, yet I still obeyed.

  “Yes mama.” I said as I finished setting the table and walked towards the living room.

  I stopped and stood in the doorway, watching my mother place the lasagna, pork chops, and garlic bread in the middle of the table before standing back to admire her work. She looked so proud as she straightened the napkin in the basket holding the pork chops. I shook my head as I walked out of the kitchen still trying to decide how I felt about what was happening. As soon as I sat down on the couch and grabbed the remote control, someone knocked on the door and my mother came running like a track star.

  I hadn’t seen my mother move that fast since the dope man gave out free samples. She came to an abrupt stop in front of the door as she quickly turned her body towards Sha and me before leaning in to whisper.

  “Now remember what I said both of you. We are going to have a pleasant dinner. Only speak when spoken to and be short. Say what we have rehearsed a million times and then it will all be over. When it’s done, we’ll have movie night. Now smile babies, mommy loves you!” My mother said changing her emotions six different times as she spoke.

  Sha and I looked at one another and then turned to look at our mother open the door for Mrs. Jenkins with the biggest, fakest smile we had ever seen on her face. Everything about our mother was fake and seemed rehearsed as she complimented the tall, slender, dark skinned, frumpy lady in a teal pants suit, on how lovely she looked. I almost snickered when I heard that bullshit and saw that the stupid social worker was actually buying it. It just amazed me that such dumb, incompetent people where in such an important position as ensuring the safety of children.

  That explained why we never got help though. I guess it didn’t dawn on the social worker that she should have actually investigated to do her job effectively. A little observing would have surely raised her suspicion if she had sense after all of the allegations and police calls to our house. However, it seemed she paid no attention to any of that nor the reason why she was doing home visits in the first place. Shamel’s father wasn’t just concerned with his safety for nothing. He had petitioned the court for custody or at the least visits a dozen times, but was denied because of the domestic violence charge he got trying to take us from our mother.

  Shamel’s father Shaheim’s past and desire to help us had caused him his freedom and his rights to be a good father to his child while my crazy, drug addicted mother continued her reign of terror right under their noses. Thinking about how I watched Shaheim cry and call Shamel’s name the day he was arrested trying to take us away from the wild party our mother was having at home, made me angry again. I was going to go along with my mother’s game, but I wouldn’t pretend to enjoy it. Fuck that. If she was going to act, so was I.

  When we sat down to eat dinner, I remained quiet, keeping my head down and answering every question with nasty, rude, one word answers. By the time my mother served her gross, sticky rice pudding, Mrs. Jenkins seemed to be at the end of her rope with my attitude. I expected her to question my mother about what was going on with my behavior or ask me why I was acting out. However, that stupid, stick of a woman simply complimented my mother on recovering successfully and handling a difficult teenager on her own.

  Before I could catch myself, I grunted loudly and got up to excuse myself to my room. I heard Shamel get up and follow me towards the steps, but I didn’t look back. I didn’t want to look at my mother with her fake ass as she told Mrs. Jenkins it was just hormones and I would be okay. I wanted to yell out that it wasn’t my fucking hormones it was my heart crying out for help, but I just kept walking instead. When we got upstairs, I heard my mother slam the front door and laugh about her stellar performance. I quickly pushed Sha into my room and slammed the door, knowing what I had just done and that the social worker was gone.

  Sha sat on the end of the bed and watched me with wide eyes as I slid the dresser in front of the door. Seconds later I had my ear pressed up against the peeling, cracked wood as I listened for my mother. I could hear her footsteps as she ran up the stairs. My heart raced and my legs trembled as I heard my mother stop in front of my door. I pushed the dresser against the door and closed my eyes, wishing I could just rewind time. I wished I could take everything back or simply erase the moment I was conceived. In my heart I think that if I could have, I would have made sure my father’s sperm never met that egg. However, I couldn’t do any of those things. All that I could do was hold my breath and wait for it to be over.

  After a few minutes, I could hear my mother walk passed my door slowly and go into her room for a second. I just stood there taking short, shallow breaths with the dresser wedged between my body and the door as I listened to my mother walk around her room, come out on to the landing, and then run back down stairs. I was finally able to relax my tense muscles and breathe again after I heard the front door slam and lock.
I sighed in relief when Sha came over and hugged me as he cried into my chest.

  “Why she act like that, Tisha? Why can’t she be normal and stay like that? When are we gonna have a real life, huh?” My brother asked me as he looked up at me with tear filled eyes.

  I wanted so badly to tell him that everything would be okay and that happy endings were possible for people like us. I wanted to ease his pain and fears and promise him a bright future, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t because at that moment I couldn’t see our lives getting any better. All I could see was things getting progressively worse and then ending with me having to make the hardest decision of my life. I didn’t see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. All I saw was more hurt on top of pain, but like the daughter of a true actress I was able to put on a brave face for Sha.

  “Everything is gonna work out little brother. Everything in life happens for a reason and although we may not understand it at the time, God never makes mistakes. He is just testing us now to make sure we are ready for our blessings. Just stay strong little brother. I love you, now go in your room, barricade the door, and go to sleep.” I said to Sha as he smiled at me and I kissed him gently on the forehead.

  I watched my brother go into his room and listened to him slide his dresser in front of the door before I returned to mine. Inside I laid in the bed staring at the ceiling going over the events of the day. Anger tried to consume me as I remembered my mother and her fakeness at dinner, spinning a web of lies just to keep a check. Tears ran down my cheeks as I envisioned her face with that big, fake ass smile.