I have to call Pilar, but not yet. I’m not ready to yet.
I e-mail Liam.
Went home sick. Tell Katie.
And then I dial the dispensary. I’m too overwhelmed. I need my parents. My voice cracks when my mother answers the phone. It’s her accent when she says hello and the way she switches to Patois the moment she realizes it’s me.
“What’s wrong, my princess baby?” she asks. I would do anything to be back home with her right now. To be back with her and my dad, mixing edibles and working out plans for next week’s deliveries. Anything to be somewhere other than this place I’m in now. I tell my mother something happened at work. She asks me what. I can’t say the words. I’m almost thirty and I can’t say that my boss sexually harassed me because I know I could have stopped it. Her mother’s intuition kicks in and suddenly she’s asking all the right questions. The truth comes out, though not the word-for-word details because I can’t repeat them. It’s too hard.
“You hold on. Let me talk to your father.” I hear muffled voices and then my dad is on the phone. He asks me about the circumstances of my promotion. I swear to him that from my end, this had nothing to do with it. He tells me he knows. It’s Valerie’s motives he questions. I finally start to question them, too. I tell him I’m scared. He tells me they’re going to speak to their lawyer, and then I’m even more frightened. I beg him not to because I know somehow this is my fault. I’m not ready to face the professional consequences.
I tell him that HR might not even believe me. It’s tricky, I explain, because we’re both women. I’m out to my immediate office friends, but I don’t know how seriously the heads will take a claim of female sexual harassment from the black lesbian. I tell him it’s more likely I’ll suffer. He relents then.
I’m drained by this point, but they won’t let me off the phone until I promise them both that I will call them back that night. They don’t like the fact that I’m dealing with this alone. I realize I shouldn’t have to handle this on my own, that I don’t have to. I hang up with my parents and then I text Pilar.
I’m too chicken to call her just yet, even though we’re in emergency territory. I text her and ask her to call me as soon as she can.
*
I puke twice in the shower. When I’m out of the bathroom and dry, and the ladybug panties are down the trash chute, I brave a look at my phone. Tons of e-mails from work, but those I ignore. A text from Katie saying she hopes I feel better and a text from Liam.
What’s going on?
He knows something’s up from the way I disappeared. I don’t answer his texts and I don’t answer his calls. I need to talk to Pilar first. But as the afternoon goes by and I hear nothing from her—no texts, no calls, no replies to my frantic messages—I consider getting back to Liam. More e-mails and missed calls clog up my phone. Still nothing from Pilar. I’m not surprised when Liam knocks on my door. It’s early evening when he shows up. I open the door, and the look on Liam’s face reflects exactly how I feel. We park it on my couch and I tell him what happened. Somehow, it’s easier to tell Liam the whole truth.
“Oh, God. I shouldn’t have joked about her like that.”
“No, you were right,” I say.
“So were you! You said she gave you the creeps and I turned it into a joke.”
“That’s not it.” My phone vibrates in my palm. It’s not Pilar. I groan. Liam asks what I’m gonna tell her. I tell him, the truth. He stays a while longer. I cry a little. I don’t sob, but I can’t seem to keep my face dry. Liam hugs me. I’m freaking out about what Pilar is going to say. I hope she understands. I tell him I can’t believe Valerie. I liked her. I liked working for her.
“I wonder if she fucked with Josh,” Liam says. It’s definitely a good question. Especially with the way he split so abruptly.
“You know how in all those movies, you see that girl getting harassed by some douche or smacked around by her husband and you think ‘Oh, I’d kill him’ or ‘That shit would never happen to me. I’d kill him.’”
Liam lets out a light chuckle. “Yeah.”
“It’s not like that in real life.”
He pulls me closer and rests his head on mine. “I know, sweetie.”
Just then my phone rings again. I don’t know the number, but I feel like I need to answer it. I say hello, my voice unsure. It’s Bizzy. She wants to see me. Now.
*
I convince Liam I’m fine to go see her alone, and then I head to Bizzy’s house in Brentwood. It’s a long drive. One of those long drives where the scenery starts to change and you feel like you’re in a whole different state by the time you’ve arrived in a different part of town. I park in Bizzy’s driveway like she told me to. My hand is shaking when I knock on the door. A nearly naked Holly answers it. All she’s wearing is a pair of panties and a pair of thigh-high athletic socks. She pulls me inside.
“I have no idea what happened, but Daddy’s been on the phone about you, almost all day,” she whispers.
“Shit.”
Holly squeezes my hand. “Good luck.”
I follow her through the house to Bizzy’s office. It reflects her style. Cool, masculine, a little dark. She greets me with a smile and tells me have a seat on the couch. She sends Holly to get us something to drink.
“How are you?” she asks while we wait.
“I’m okay. I’ve been much better.”
“Don’t worry,” she says. “We’ll figure this out shortly.”
I’m not sure what that means, but I don’t like the sound of it.
Holly comes back with a glass of water for me and a green blended something or other for Bizzy. Of course she juices. She’s in great shape. Holly’s sent to watch TV. She kisses her Daddy and offers me a sympathetic smile before she leaves me to my doom. Bizzy takes a sip of her drink, then joins me on the couch.
“Tell me what happened today.”
I sigh and the tears start leaking out again. I tell her everything. When I get to the part with Valerie’s inappropriately busy hands, she asks me a strange question.
“How did it make you feel?”
“What did you mean?” I say. “I hated it. I didn’t want her to touch me at all.”
“I don’t think Valerie should have approached you that way. What I’m trying to figure out is how it made you feel.”
“Awful. She made me feel awful.”
“And why was that?”
“Because she did it at work. Because she’s my boss. Because she’s not Pilar.” I’m trying not to raise my voice at Bizzy, but it’s hard. I know I messed up, but I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t want it.
“I talked to Valerie and Pilar today. And they’ve spoken to each other.”
I actually gulp. The knot in my throat is huge. “They have?”
She touches my knee lightly before pulling her hand away. “You’re not in trouble.”
I don’t believe her.
“Why am I here then?”
“Because I felt I needed to get involved as an impartial third party.”
“But you love Pilar. You care about her. How can you be impartial?”
Bizzy smiles a bit and shakes her head. “My feelings for Pilar don’t blind me to the fact that she’s human. I suggested I could help and she agreed.”
I understand, but I’m still confused and terrified about what I’m doing at her house and why Pilar couldn’t at least text me back. Bizzy explains. “Pilar is having some doubts.”
“About me?”
“About herself. Valerie called her this afternoon and told her about your exchange this morning. She proposed that she take you on. Pilar said no, but she called me because she saw some valid points in Valerie’s argument. Maybe you need someone different.”
This is what terrible feels like. Pilar is dumping me via her former Dom, and the thought of it, the thought of being without her makes me feel worse than I have ever felt before.
“I don’t want someone different.” I sob then. I
can’t hold it in any longer.
Bizzy hands me some tissues. “I’m not here to make you cry, Suzy, and maybe this is where it is impossible for me to be completely impartial, but I want what’s best for Pilar. When she loves, she loves very deeply, and I don’t want her to end up in a situation she can’t recover from. At the same time, I’m pretty fond of you. Holly loves you. She won’t stop talking about you. I think with a situation as young as your relationship is with Pilar, it’s not too late. Between myself and Miss Francis—You like her, don’t you?”
“Yeah. She’s pretty nice.” I sniffle and wipe my face.
“We can help you find someone who better suits your needs.”
“But I…” I hiccup and then stop trying to make her see that I don’t want someone.
“Tell me about your last Mistress. Tell me about Laurel.” I didn’t expect her to go there, but I answer her request. I tell her everything about Laurel. Once I get started I find I can’t stop. I tell her things I’d forgotten about, stuff I’d intentionally pushed to the back of my mind, like the time Laurel made me fuck one of her friends that wasn’t even in the scene, just because she knew I would do whatever she said.
I tell her how Laurel refused to meet my brother when he came for New Years, how she used a cane on me one time even though it was one of my hard limits, and I tell her about the one time she ignored my safe word. It wasn’t anything painful, just some scary sensory-deprivation stuff I wasn’t ready for, and she went there anyway and ignored my pleas for her to stop. Her aftercare had been better than usual that night so I’d let it slide. And I tell Bizzy how it ended and how she’d even messaged me a few weeks ago. I tell her I didn’t reply.
“Did you love her?” Bizzy asks.
I shake my head. “No, but I think I wanted her to love me. Clearly she didn’t.”
“You’re probably right. Suzy, I want you to think about what you want and what you need.” She holds up her hand as I try to interrupt. “After you’ve had some time to calm down and can think more clearly, I want you to really consider your role in this lifestyle. Laurel tried to determine that for you, and you see what happened there. A Dom can guide and control and help you explore and hopefully open your eyes to new, positive experiences, but if you are going against your own desires it won’t work. Without your trust and true consent any relationship you have with any good Mistress won’t work. Do you understand me?”
I do. I say so.
“Pilar needs a little time to think as well.”
I might kill Valerie. It’s a distinct possibility.
“Why couldn’t Pilar tell me that?” I ask.
“Because she understood that she was too upset to have a productive conversation with you.”
That actually makes sense. I agree to give Pilar that space, and in the meantime I’m to think of what it would really mean to be with Pilar long-term and what it truly means to me to submit.
*
I’m a complete wreck so Bizzy lets me spend the night. She doesn’t think it’s a good idea to send me home alone. I text Liam and let him know I’m okay. I resist the urge to text Pilar. I think about how she might not even want to hear from me at all. I break down crying again while Bizzy makes dinner. She lets Holly and me stay up watching movies.
Before we go to bed, I ask Bizzy if I can use her computer. It takes a few minutes to find the right e-mail addresses, but no time to type up what I want to say. I quit my job and let Donna and the head of HR know Valerie and her sexual-harassing ass are the exact reason why. She might not even get a slap on the wrist, but at least she won’t fly under the radar as a predator because of me.
I hate that I won’t be working with Liam and Katie and the guys anymore, but it had to be done. Thanks to my time with Pilar and the vacation I’m not taking her on, I have enough money to hold me over until I find something new.
*
The rest of the week goes by in a bizarre haze. I find the bottom of that muddy hole. My feet sink in and I wonder if I’ll ever get out. Liam grabs my work laptop for me so I don’t have to go back to the office. He tells me the place is abuzz with gossip, but Valerie is still employed by Reach Advertising. When I change my work info on Facebook, Josh sends me a message saying he might have a spot for me at his new agency. He didn’t hate marketing after all. He just hated working at Reach. I thank him and send him my résumé. I call my mother every day because she’s freaking out. It becomes a part-time job just convincing her and my dad that I’m fine. I lie when they ask about Pilar. I tell them we’re fine, too. My mother will drive down here if she thinks I’m going through all this crap on top of a breakup.
I cry a lot. I force myself to eat and bathe. I develop a love/hate relationship with Frank. I need him, but he smells like Pilar’s house. It’s hard to be around him. I keep looking for work and spend time with Holly and Liam and Gary. I hear nothing from Pilar. I still wear her panties every day, because I’ve tossed all the pairs she didn’t buy me. By Friday night, I understand that this really might be the end for Pilar and me.
Finally I do what Bizzy asked me to. I start to think about what I want and what I need. It’s hard to separate Pilar from the equation, but I try. I think of what the ideal relationship based on domination and submission would be like for me. I think about what ways I want to be challenged and what type of woman I would want to push me in those ways. That’s when Pilar pops back into my mind. I always want that woman to have her soft touch and even her stern voice when I’m getting on her last nerve.
I want that smile, that body. I most definitely want those breasts. But something does occur to me. If I have a trust bone in my body, it’s certainly broken. I don’t think Pilar is capable of hurting me, but I’m expecting her to let me down. I think of our first weekend together and how she told me to learn to manage my expectations, and I realize that my expectations are so fucked. They aren’t about joy and satisfaction. My expectations are built on disappointment and pain.
I’m waiting for Pilar to hurt me even though I believe her claims of love. I’m waiting for her to decide that she can do better. And that stunted our growth as a couple. But Valerie, that shithead just compounded our problems. I make a vow to confront her if I ever see her again. No violence, of course, but I will definitely let her know that even without Pilar, she would never be enough for me.
*
Sunday morning, Pilar calls. Her voice sounds strange. She’s trying hard to be distant, but I detect a lot of emotion when she asks me if I’d be willing to come over. It bothers me that she asks. I miss her direct instructions. I don’t say anything about that, though. I just tell her I’ll be there soon.
On the way there I decide it’s a great idea to drive myself a little bit crazier. I think about how this is it. I’m just going to Pilar’s to pick up the clothes I’ve left over there. This is the last time I’ll see her. Or worse, I’ll see her again, but I’ll be pathetically single again and she’ll have her new little girl by her side.
I force the jitters down and ring the doorbell. The light smile of welcome on Pilar’s face isn’t enough to hide the bags under her eyes. We’ve both had a rough week. She invites me in and I follow her to the kitchen. On the table is a white leather collar with pink accents, a silver bracelet, and a set of keys. She tells me to have a seat. I keep quiet as I eye the objects in front of me. She gets right to the point.
“I want to say I’m sorry. I knew you were having trust issues, and the last thing I should have done was push you away. We should have talked this out the other day, but I was in a bad place and I think I would have hurt your feelings. I didn’t want to do that.”
I clear my throat. “I understand. Bizzy explained that.”
“Good. Do you want to be with Valerie?” she asks. I’m sure Bizzy passed on the details of our conversation. Still, I understand. Pilar needs to hear it from me.
“No. Absolutely not. I told Donna that she harassed me and I quit my job. I never want to see Valerie aga
in unless it’s to punch her in the face.”
Pilar snorts and covers her laugh a little. “I might beat you to that. I don’t think she should have talked to you that way, but she never should have touched you. I wish I’d heard about your interaction with Valerie from your lips and not from Valerie and Bizzy. I’m sorry for that, too.”
I absolutely accept that apology, though I cringe to think of the way Valerie must have phrased that confession.
She goes on. “I wanted to give you some options when it comes to me and us, based on what I think I can handle and what I can give you. Does that sound fair?”
“Very.” Fair and frightening.
“Option one would be that we go our separate ways. I say that because I don’t know how you’re feeling, but I did screw up, and I understand if you want to move on.” I want to object, but I let her finish. She picks up the keys. “Option two is the girlfriend option.”
“What’s the girlfriend option?”
“We could date. You can have my keys. Hopefully you’d give me a set of your own and we could simply be together. We know we like sleeping together. We enjoy each other’s company. We could be a vanilla couple, and if things get kinky from time to time, then great. But no pressure.”
“And option three?”
Pilar picks up the collar. “You would be my little girl. You’d wear this every moment we spend together.” She hands me the bracelet. There’s a break midway around and a small hex screw that would secure it around my wrist. “You’d wear that always.”
“Are you saying you want to collar me?”
“Yes. I would be open to the idea,” she says, her voice nearly emotionless. It hurts me that she’s trying so hard to school her features and her tone, that Pilar is focusing on keeping her feelings under control.
I examine the bracelet a little closer. There’s an inscription. Mami’s sweet, silly, little Suzy girl.
My heart trips and flutters. I take a deep breath. I remember what Bizzy said. I think about myself.
At Her Feet Page 20