Searching for Glory

by Hunter J. Keane

  He was right- it was very weird. Being nominated as the Sexiest Woman Alive was in itself an unsettling experience. But I couldn’t even imagine being a twelve year old boy and hearing those kinds of things said about my aunt. I shuddered just thinking about it.

  “Yeah, okay. I get it. Let’s just go find the rest of the family, huh?” Christopher nodded in relief but he still wouldn’t look me in the eye.

  I returned to the train ride to find J.J. with a bloody elbow and Marta screaming hysterically. I quickly learned from an annoyed Julia that J.J. fell off the ride and Marta freaked out at the sight of blood. I was pretty sure if there was an award for shittiest aunt, I would take home the Oscar.

  Five minutes later I deposited them at their mother’s side and took off to find Jake and the beer tent. I saw a group of guys in their twenties headed to the right so I followed my gut; it didn’t let me down. The promise of beer had made me less aware of my surroundings, and I was only a few feet away when I spotted Johnny. He was not alone. The young woman that accompanied him had short, dark hair. She turned when she spoke to him and I recognized her instantly.

  She looked older, yes, but I had no doubt that I was looking at my former best friend, Kate. She used to wear her hair long like mine, but other than that, she looked the same. We had met our freshman year of high school and had been inseparable until I left Princeton. Like Vic, Kate had gotten pregnant young and dropped out of school. She had her son just a few months after Vic had Christopher.

  I watched as Kate placed her hand on Johnny’s arm, in that possessive way that people touch someone they are intimate with. It bothered me more than I cared to admit. It wasn’t like I hadn’t done my own share of dating in the past decade. I mean, technically I was still engaged to Richard since I hadn’t officially called it off yet. So I guess you could say that I had moved on. The problem was, in all those years I never once thought that he might have, too. And definitely not with my former best friend.

  I stood frozen, halfway through my stride, wondering what to do. The polite thing would be to swallow my pride and go say hi. What I really wanted to do was run away and hide. Fortunately, they turned and left before I was forced to make a decision. Jake spotted me and waved me over.

  “You just missed Johnny and Kate,” he told me, oblivious to my inner turmoil.

  “Darn.”

  “Sore spot? Okay, change of subject. You’ve come for a drink?”

  “Beer me, barkeep.”

  “As you wish, my lady.”

  Jake slid a beer in front of me and I sipped it gratefully. It was a humid summer evening and the beer was frothy and ice cold.

  “Now, I should warn you. As a trusted barkeep, I have a responsibility to cut you off before you face plant in front of the kids.”

  “You are so hilarious.” I couldn’t help but smile. “No worries. I’m driving tonight. One and done.”

  “So what do you think? You miss all of this?” He gestured grandly to the festivities around him.

  “I honestly don’t know how I feel anymore. It’s all a bit overwhelming.”

  Jake nodded sympathetically. “I’m glad you’re here. I know Vic and the kids are glad, too.”

  “Really? That’s the first I’ve heard of it. Seems like the kids mostly just hate me. When did that happen?”

  Jake laughed dryly. “Probably around the same time they started hating their parents. I’ve been told they outgrow it in about ten years. So at least we have that to look forward to.”

  “Great. Another ten years. ‘Cause these past ten years haven’t been fun enough.”

  Jake and I commiserated for another fifteen minutes until he was relieved of his beer dispensing duties. We wandered the perimeter of the party on our way back to Vic and the kids, talking comfortably as we always had. When we got back to the family, I found myself wishing we would have taken longer.

  J.J. and Marta were seated in the grass, kicking and hitting one another. Julia was yelling at both of them to shut up and Vic was wiping the front of Christopher’s shirt with a napkin, attempting to blot out a giant ketchup stain.

  “I honestly have no idea how you don’t just leave them on the side of the road,” I told Jake as I took it all in.

  He simply laughed and then moved in to break up the fight. Vic looked tired, and I couldn’t really blame her. I was exhausted and I had only been dealing with the chaos for a few hours, not fourteen years.

  The kids were about to start fighting again when the fireworks started. The block party itself was never my favorite thing back in the day, but I did love fireworks. Apparently the kids did, too, because they had suddenly gone silent. I took a seat next to them on the grass and Marta curled up next to me, her head resting in the crook of my arm. I looked over and saw Jake and Vic resting comfortably against one another, the picture of marital bliss. It was as if the rest of the day never happened and we were all one big, happy family. I cherished that moment, knowing it would be all too brief.

  Just before the grand finale started, I felt a prickling sensation in my skin and I looked to the left. About ten yards away, Johnny and Kate were nestled together like all the other loving couples, but that wasn’t what bothered me. What bothered me was that while the rest of the crowd was gazing upward, Johnny was looking at me. Our eyes locked across the distance and our gaze held fast.

  I’ve had a lot of moments in my life- some good, some bad. Moments that made me euphoric, and moments that made my heart break. But in my 28 years of life, I’ve never had a moment like that. We were speaking to each other without saying a word. In that instant, I knew that Johnny and I had unfinished business and neither of us would truly move on until it was settled.

  Marta sat up quickly, excited by the barrage of explosions and bursts of light. Her sudden movement caused me to pull my eyes away from his and the connection was broken; the moment was over. Except, I thought, maybe it was actually just now beginning.

  Princeton, Missouri: 1994

  “Don’t be scared!” You called up to me from the bottom of the hill. “It isn’t that steep.”

  Your reassurance was enough to convince me to climb back on my bike. Looking down, the hill still looked pretty steep to me. But if you said it wasn’t steep, then that must be the case. I had come to trust you implicitly in the four years since we became friends. I trusted you so much, I had even confided in you about my problems at home. My mom was already leaving me and Vic at home alone for days at a time and I was scared. You were a year older, and that also made you wiser in my book. I would have followed you just about anywhere.

  After just a small hesitation, I put my ratty pink sneakers on the pedals and pushed down hard. The force carried my bike over the lip of the hill, and then I was sailing down, down, down, with my hair flying in the wind. With the wind surrounding me, lifting me, I felt completely free. Over the years I would chase that feeling whenever things got too tough, but on that day I just enjoyed the ride.

  “I was right, wasn’t I?” you asked from the bottom of the hill.

  “Yeah, you were right. That was fun.” I had never doubted that you would be right. It was just a matter of learning to trust.

  That memory was a defining moment in my life. It was the first time I had put all my trust in you, and I never really took it back. It was also the first moment that I ever loved you, even if I didn’t realize it at the time. It was the moment that led to all the others.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  All of the fun I had been having with my family must have caught up to me because I slept until almost noon the next morning. When I finally pulled myself out of bed, I stumbled into the kitchen and helped myself to some coffee and sat with Jake while he ate his lunch.

  “You know, that fancy car of yours sounds like its engine is falling out,” he said as he shoved half a sandwich into his mouth.

  “It doesn’t sound that bad.” I was defensive of my Porsche but I knew that he was probably right. “Do you think there’s a shop
around her that can handle her?”

  “Actually I know just the place. Take it to Ned’s Auto Shop in Barrington. Tell ‘em I sent you.” Jake winked as he polished off his sandwich.

  “You’re sure they’ll be open on a Saturday?”

  “Sure, but they ain’t open late so you better get your lazy ass in gear.”

  I showered quickly and pulled on a pair of jean shorts and a black tank top. Using Jake’s directions, I made it to the shop in Barrington in just under a half hour. If it had taken any longer, my car might not have made it. I sighed in relief as I pulled into the parking lot.

  The middle aged woman seated at the front desk listened as I explained the situation to her, making sympathetic clucking noises at the appropriate times. She asked me to pull my car into door number five and promised to send someone to help immediately.

  The shop only had five doors and number five was located at the far end. After I pulled inside, I stood next to my car and jingled my keys while looking around the shop. Tools and greasy car parts littered the ground and work benches. Two other cars were also being worked on by men covered in oil and sweat. A couple other men stood a few yards away staring at me, apparently enjoying the view based on the appreciative whistle one of them sent my way. A scrawny looking boy not much older than Julia dropped a battery he was carrying when I smiled at him.

  “Careful. These men aren’t used to likes of you coming around,” a voice called out from across the room.

  “Son of a bitch,” I said under my breath. Jake had just made my shit list.

  “Johnny. I should’ve known,” I said as he navigated his way over. He was wearing a short-sleeved blue work-shirt with “John” embroidered over the left side of his chest. “You work here, I take it?”

  “Something like that.” Johnny smiled his special smile, the one I knew all too well. Only half of his mouth moved, creating something like a smirk but without the attitude.

  “Jake sent me. Except he forgot to mention this is your place of employment.”

  “Must have slipped his mind.”

  “Sure. Anyway, my car seems to be a bit under the weather. She doesn’t breathe very well in the fresh air of the Midwest. Misses the smog, I’d say.”

  “Well then, let’s take a listen.” Johnny held out his hand for the keys and I handed them to him, our fingers grazing lightly. Johnny cleared his throat as he slid past me and I couldn’t help but breathe in his scent, an intoxicating mixture of grease and hard work.

  He reached into the car and turned the ignition. The engine knocked furiously and Johnny listened intently for a few seconds and then turned it off. “She certainly doesn’t seem very happy.”

  “Can you work some magic?”

  “I can take a look at her now if you want. You can come pick her up later today.”

  “I’ve got nowhere to be. What would you say to some company? I promise not to touch anything.” I held up my hands for emphasis.

  “Like old times, huh? Pull up a chair.” Johnny gestured to a battered folding chair a few feet away and reached into the car to pop the hood.

  I pulled the chair up close and settled in. Back in high school, Johnny had worked at a different shop and I used to hang out with him while he worked. He used to joke that he performed better with an audience. I decided that making that same joke now would be inappropriate.

  “I suppose I should warn you, this may take awhile. You could be stuck with me for a couple of hours, at least,” Johnny said as he peered under the hood.

  “I’m up for it if you are.” I tucked my feet underneath me and watched as he fiddled with my car’s internal plumbing.

  “There’s some reading material on the bench to your right that you might find interesting,” he said with a teasing glance. I grabbed the magazine lying on the work bench and flipped it over. There was an initial shock when I found my own face staring back at me, or at least a photoshopped version of myself. It was the cover I had shot for a men’s magazine almost a year ago. I wasn’t wearing a lot of clothing in the picture, which I supposed was the whole point.

  “Yours?” I asked, trying to cover my embarrassment. No matter how many times I saw myself on a magazine I never stopped feeling like a total ass. Surely that couldn’t be me, pouting and posing ridiculously in my underwear. But, alas, it was.

  “Nah. I’ve got much better visual images of you in here,” he said, tapping a finger to his head.

  “Those images are a little outdated,” I reminded him.

  He stopped what he was doing and looked me up and down. “I’m willing to bet it hasn’t changed much.”

  I stuck my tongue out at him, resorting to a childish response, and threw the magazine at his head. My aim was off and it bounced harmlessly off the hood of my car. We both laughed, and some of the tension I had been feeling lifted. Over the next couple of hours, I watched as Johnny worked; he had always been masterful with cars, able to take them apart and put them back together without hesitation.

  In high school, I had bought a practically useless Dodge from some guy for a couple hundred dollars and Johnny had disassembled and rebuilt it for me over a weekend. I drove that car until it got totaled in a wreck the year after I moved to L.A. Losing that car had felt like I was losing Johnny all over again, and I had cried when the tow truck carted it away.

  “So,” I said once I felt enough polite conversation had been made for me to get more personal, “you and Kate, huh?”

  “Yes.” He didn’t look at me but I could see his jaw clench and his eyes narrow.

  “How long has that been going on?”

  “Awhile.” Johnny focused intently on wiping some oil from his hands and reached for a wrench. “About a year I guess.”

  “That’s great. A year? Sounds pretty serious.” I heard my voice come out high and strained.

  Johnny dropped the wrench and let out a loud sigh. “What do you want from me, Glor? You’ve been gone for ten years.”

  “I know.” My voice was barely above a whisper now.

  “Now you’re back and acting like we’re friends or something, asking me questions about Kate. Like you have any right to know about my life.” He stared at me with fury in his eyes, fury that turned quickly to pain. “I never asked you about your fiancé.”

  “You’re right. I’m sorry.” I forced myself to sit up straight rather than cowering at the mention of Richard. “I don’t have any right to asked you about Kate. But you can ask me about Richard. I’ve got nothing to hide.”

  “I really don’t want to talk about Richard,” Johnny said, spitting out the name Richard like he had just tasted something foul. He looked down at where my hands rested in my lap. “Why aren’t you wearing the ring?”

  I looked at my naked ring finger, a faint tan line was the only remaining evidence that the ring had ever existed. It struck me as odd that Johnny was the first person to ask me about its absence.

  “I left it in L.A.” I flexed my hand in front of me. “Actually, I gave it back to Richard.”

  Johnny looked at me with frustration. “And just what am I supposed to do with that bit of information?”

  “I don’t know. You asked where the ring is, and that’s where it is. I left it with Richard when I ended things between us. Then I packed up and came here.”

  “Why?”

  “Why did I leave Richard? Or why did I come here?” I didn’t really want to answer either question.

  “Both I guess.” Johnny no longer pretended to work and instead pulled up a chair across from me.

  “You know why I’m here, Johnny. You’re the one that sent the letter.”

  “Okay, fine. So the other question then.” Johnny leaned forward in his chair and rested his elbows on his knees.

  “I don’t know. I guess I left him because I couldn’t think of one legitimate reason to stay with him.”

  “What, love wasn’t enough?” Johnny smirked just a little.

  “In my entire life I’ve only ever been in l
ove with one person, and that person wasn’t Richard.” I stole a look at Johnny but he was staring out the open door. “Richard is a lot of things, but he’s not you.”

  I could see the surprise pass through his face but he kept his gaze directed away from me. I was probably even more surprised than he was by my bold statement and his silence made me squirm uncomfortably.

  “Say something, please,” I said at last.

  “What do you want from me?” he said, turning to face me. “Why would you tell me something like that?”

  “I don’t want anything from you. You asked a question and I gave an honest answer. That’s all.”

  “Bullshit, Glor.” Johnny rose to his feet in agitation. “You come strolling in here like old times and have the nerve to blame me for your failed relationship with Mr. Hollywood? You’re the one that left ten years ago, remember? So don’t go blaming your emotional drama on me.”

  “You think I’m blaming you? That’s what you chose to take away from what I said? You’re a damn fool, Johnny Carter.” I jumped to my feet as well. “And you’re the one that sent me away ten years ago, so don’t go acting like what happened between us was all my fault. I didn’t give up on us. You did.”

  Our voices echoed in the garage and I noticed that some of the men had stopped working to watch us fight.

  “I never should have come here. Big mistake. Can I have my keys back please?” I held out my hand expectantly.

  “It’s not fixed yet.” Johnny had to force the words out through his clenched jaw.

  “Fine. I’m going for a walk. I’ll be back for the car later.” I grabbed my purse from the car and stormed away.

  It took me a couple of blocks to realize I had no idea where I was going. I hadn’t been in Barrington in over a decade and had probably never been in this neighborhood. I was relieved to find a small, long-forgotten park and took a seat on a rusty swing. I retrieved my cell phone from my bag and began the torturous task of listening to my voicemails.