Searching for Glory

by Hunter J. Keane

  “Gloria?”

  The sound of desperation in his voice stabbed me like a knife in my heart. “It’s me.”

  “What the hell, Glor? Where did you go? You just took off.” The sound of music in the background told me that Richard wasn’t sitting at home pining for me.

  “Are you busy? We can talk later.”

  “No, we’re going to talk about this now. Where are you?”

  “Some family stuff came up. I’m visiting my sister.” I tilted my head back and was surprised by the number of stars that were visible. It was a sight people take for granted in the country. I had spent many nights of my childhood staring at the night sky in wonder. How do children that grow up in big cities ever learn about the wonder that is the night sky?

  “Why didn’t you just tell me that? Did you think I wouldn’t want you to go? Shit, I would’ve come with you.” The music cut off abruptly and now it was just Richard on the other end.

  “I know you would have. That’s not why I didn’t tell you. I honestly didn’t even know I was coming until right before I left. Once I decided it, I just had to leave right then. It’s hard to explain.”

  “Fine. I’ll accept that. But it doesn’t explain the ring.”

  “No. It doesn’t,” I agreed.

  “So… care to explain?”

  “I don’t even know where to start. But I don’t think that even matters. I just know that I can’t marry you.”

  “Can’t?” The word caught in Richard’s throat. “Or don’t want to?”

  “Both. And you don’t really want to marry me either. It was easy to pretend that everything was great and we were perfect for each other but it was all a lie, and I think you know that.”

  “Our relationship was never a lie. Not to me.” Richard was starting to get angry and I supposed I couldn’t really blame him.

  “Richard.” I dug deep and pulled out the big guns. “I know about Alexa.”

  The sudden silence told me everything I needed to know. Any doubts I may have had about Richard cheating on me were just confirmed. Richard cleared his throat. “Franny told you?”

  “Franny? Franny knows?”

  “Okay so it wasn’t Franny. Who told you?”

  “Nobody told me, Richard. But Alexa was a make-up artist on the show. I saw the way you two interacted when you thought I wasn’t watching. I’m not an idiot.”

  “No, you’re not.” Richard let out a long breath. “Gloria, I don’t love Alexa. I love you. I want to be with you.”

  “I’m not sure I believe that. I do believe you love the idea of me, and of what I can do for your career. But, honestly, I don’t think you’re capable of loving anyone but yourself.”

  “That’s a pretty hateful thing to say.”

  “It is. But it’s also how I feel. And it’s why I left the ring. We’re done, Richard. For good. Please don’t call me anymore.” I hung up hastily without giving him a chance to argue. It had been a very long day and I wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and hide under the covers for at least a week.

  The next morning, I was pulled from sleep by the sounds of the Delroys returning from church. Last time I had checked, buildings with steeples and crosses tended to burst into flames when a Stark crossed the threshold but apparently this rule did not apply to Starks that got married and changed their last name. Since we hadn’t been raised to believe in anything other than beer and the second amendment, I was surprised to find Vic dressed in her Sunday best.

  “Church? Really?” I asked, nursing my coffee and sipping it carefully.

  “Don’t start.” Vic’s warning glance wasn’t frightening enough to deter me.

  “So what kind of God do you worship?”

  “One of the Presbyterian variety,” Jake informed me as he unbuttoned his dress shirt, revealing a Led Zeppelin concert shirt underneath.

  “Hm. Interesting. I would have thought you to lean toward Buddhism.”

  “Well, you thought wrong,” Vic said. “Here. This is for you.”

  She handed me a pocketsize book of black leather with gold embossment on it. I took it hesitantly, expecting it to burn under my touch. “A Bible? You brought me a Bible?”

  “I’m surprised you know what it is.” Vic’s smile bordered on cruel. “But it’s not from me. One of our church ladies thought you might benefit from some Bible study. Due to your loose morals.”

  “My what now?” I almost dropped my coffee and I set it down gently.

  “Those were her words, not mine. Not that I don’t agree. But she’s concerned about the direction your career has taken. Public drunkenness, nude scenes, foul language- just to start. The ladies have been praying for you, naturally, but they think you could use some additional religious healing.”

  “This is a joke, right? Your idea, Jake?” I waved the Bible at him and laughed.

  “Not a joke, but still very funny,” he said with a twinkle in his eye.

  “Haven’t your crazy church ladies ever heard the rule about not judging others and casting stones or whatever?”

  Vic simply shrugged. “You should just be glad someone is praying for you, even if it is a bunch of crazy church ladies.”

  “Mom!” Christopher screamed the word even though he was just a few feet away in the next room.

  “What, Christopher?” Vic’s voice had a hard edge to it that I had never heard her use with one of her kids. She suddenly looked very tired to me.

  “You promised to take me shopping for new baseball cleats today. I need them before the next game.” Christopher stood in the doorway now so he was no longer yelling.

  “I can’t right now, Chris.” Vic leaned against the counter.

  “But you promised!” Christopher’s face was turning red and Vic looked equally frustrated.

  “How about if I take you instead?” I suggested, hoping I could prove useful for once in my life. Vic clearly needed a break. “In fact, I’ll take all the kids and we can do some shopping and then grab some ice cream at The Dairy Shack. How does that sound?”

  “I like ice cream,” Christopher said. He ran from the room, again screaming. “Hey guess what! Aunt Gloria is taking us shopping and we are going to get ice cream.”

  “Well I guess that solves that,” I said, dusting my hands together proudly. Vic looked worried. “Relax, sis. Get some rest. Do bad things with your hubby. The kids and I will be back later.”

  Jake laughed but Vic wasn’t convinced. “You promise you won’t maim or lose any of them?”

  I shrugged. “I make no promises with Julia, but the rest of them will be fine. And if I remember things correctly, a 75% is a passing grade.”

  Vic sighed. “Fine. I’m too tired to give that statement the serious thought it deserves.”

  It only took me fifteen minutes at the mall to realize I was in over my head. The kids were feeling feisty and couldn’t keep their hands off each other.

  “Stop bothering your sister, J.J.” I slapped away the hand that he was using to poke Marta in the side. “Okay, Chris. Are we getting these shoes or not?”

  “They are cleats, Aunt Gloria. Not shoes.” Christopher looked at me like I was the most embarrassing person on the planet.

  “I’m bored,” Julia announced for the twentieth time.

  I suddenly understood why Vic always looked so tired. It was like running a marathon at a full sprint. “I don’t know how your mom does it,” I told the kids as we left the mall laden with bags of clothes and shoes.

  “She sleeps all the time,” Julia said with a haughty sniff.

  I faltered a little in my steps- that didn’t sound one bit like my sister. She was always on the go, and happy to be active with the kids. If she really was sleeping more than usual, maybe there was a reason.

  “Let’s get some ice cream and head home. You kids are exhausting.”

  Later that night, I was snuggled up on the couch with Marta dozing in my lap. Vic and Julia were on the other couch, and a mountain of food littered the cof
fee table in front of us. We had already watched two movies and were halfway through the third. Marta had conked out somewhere during the second one.

  It had been a long, exhausting day, but I was benefiting from the healing effects of family. It was hard to feel too depressed about your life with a six year old snoring adorably in your lap.

  “Glor, when does your new movie come out?” Vic asked sleepily.

  “Um, I don’t know. I think around Christmas time maybe.” I had just finished filming the movie in May, but it was fast tracked to come out around the holidays.

  “Oh! Can I go to the premiere with you?” Julia’s eyes lit up.

  “We’ll see. You’ll probably have school.” I could feel my eyelids getting heavier by the minute.

  “Stupid school.” Julia grabbed an Oreo from the pile of junk food and pulled it apart. She carefully licked at the inside of it; it was exactly the way Vic had eaten Oreos as a little girl.

  “I think I’m gonna have to call it a night,” I announced when I couldn’t fight the exhaustion any longer. “I’ll put Marta in her bed.”

  “I think I’m ready for bed, too,” Vic said as she started cleaning up the mess.

  “I’m going to stay up until the movie is over,” Julia said as she grabbed another Oreo just before her mother took them away.

  Marta was heavier than I had anticipated and it took quite an effort to get her into bed. After I had tucked the covers around her, I went down the hall and found Vic about to climb into bed. Jake had taken the boys outside to sleep under the stars so I didn’t have to worry about invading a private moment. Vic had changed into a flowing nightgown and I saw for the first time just how skinny my sister had gotten.

  “Vic, we need to talk,” I wasn’t sure how to broach the subject so I decided to just dive in. “You’re sick.”

  Vic exhaled deeply. “Yes. How did you know? Is that why you’re here?” Vic slid into her bed and propped a pillow behind her.

  “I got a letter from Johnny last week. He didn’t tell me you were sick, but he said that I needed to come home, that you needed me. I thought maybe it was a money thing, like maybe the farm wasn’t doing well. But then you’ve been so tired since I got here and you’ve clearly lost weight. So what’s going on?” I sat next to Vic and waited for her to come clean.

  “A couple of months ago I was feeling worn down and I had this cough that just wouldn’t go away. Jake convinced me to go to the doctor. I thought it might be a bad cold or maybe pneumonia. I didn’t think…” Vic trailed off for a second. “Well anyway, they ran some tests and the results weren’t good. I have cancer, Glor.”

  Cancer. Whatever I had been expecting, it wasn’t that. Vic was only 31 years old. She had four young kids. People like her weren’t supposed to get cancer.

  “What kind?” I asked.

  “The bad kind. Lung cancer.” Vic pulled the covers up around her. “At first the doctors thought they might be able to operate, but they did more tests and found out that it has spread too much. So I’m supposed to start chemo and radiation next week.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked angrily as tears filled my eyes. “I’m your sister.”

  “I don’t know,” Vic admitted. “I didn’t want to tell anyone. No one knows except Jake. And I guess Johnny must have suspected something was wrong.”

  There was a lot more that needed to be said but neither of us knew where to start. Instead, I switched off the light and lay next to my sister in the dark, the way we used to when we were kids. After several minutes, Vic began to cry softly and I reached over and wrapped my arms around her frail body. I held her tighter than I had ever held anyone. I knew that nothing I said would make things better so I just held her and let her cry.

  Princeton, Missouri: 1999

  “It’s going to be okay, Vic.” I had told my sister that exact lie so many times there’s no way she believed me. You used to tell me that same lie, but it always sounded better coming from you.

  Vic ignored me as she paced the room. You were coming by to pick me up for our very first date and Vic’s news had effectively ruined any romantic notions that may have been percolating in my brain.

  “I can’t do this,” she said. I think she was talking more to herself than to me.

  “Yes, you can.” I grabbed her arm and forced her to look at me. “You’re going to do this, and you’re going to be amazing.”

  “I’m sixteen! I can’t have a baby.” The tears that streamed down her face couldn’t have been stopped by the Hoover Dam.

  “You’ve already been doing it for years,” I reminded her. “You took care of me since I was born and you did a damn good job, if I do say so myself.”

  “That’s different.” Vic shook her head furious.

  “It’s not.” I threw my arms around her in a fierce hug. “I’ll help you. And Jake will be right by your side. He loves you. And so do I. We’re going to be okay.”

  I felt Vic’s sigh as it left her body in a rapid whooshing of air. “Okay,” she said. “Okay.”

  You arrived at the same time as Jake and found us still holding on to one another in the living room. I know the pained looks on our faces must have been alarming, and Jake somehow seemed to already know that his life was about to change forever. I’ll never forget the look on his face as he took Vic from my arms.

  Our date night didn’t turn out the way either of us had planned. The movie tickets and dinner reservations were long forgotten. But you weren’t about to give up on me that easily, and you suggested we grab some food from the kitchen and have a quiet dinner under the stars.

  “Nothing’s going to be the same now,” I said as we stared up at the sky. We were lying in the grass on a small blanket and my head rested on your chest. Your heart beat was steady and it calmed me a little.

  “No, it won’t,” you agreed in that calm way you always had with me. “But that doesn’t mean it will be worse. Vic is going to have a baby, and you’re going to be an aunt. What could be bad about that?”

  That was the role you always played- the voice of reason and optimism. I’ve never known that kind of certainty about anything in my life, except you. Our first date, and already I knew that I loved you. But that night I fell head over heels in love with you.

  CHAPTER SIX

  I tried my best to keep my emotions in check the next day. Jake and the boys came back from camping outside to find a huge buffet of food waiting for them. Vic and I had spent the day cooking and baking. Even Julia had helped, though most of her help consisted of gossiping and complaining. Marta set the table and the whole family was gathered in the kitchen, preparing to sit down to eat when somebody knocked on the front door.

  J.J. ran to answer the door and announced loudly, “It’s Uncle John.”

  It took me a second to figure that one out. Jake only had one brother, Tom, so whoever ‘Uncle John’ was, he wasn’t a blood uncle. Then it clicked- of course the kids would call Johnny, Uncle John. He had practically helped raise them over the years.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt your dinner. I just wanted to drop off that part for the tractor.” Johnny appeared in the kitchen doorway, dressed in a clean pair of jeans and a navy blue shirt. His hair was damp from the light rain that was falling outside. “I’ll just leave it out in the barn.”

  “Don’t be silly. Get in here and eat with us.” Vic waved him into the room as she hustled over to the table with a basket of fresh baked rolls.

  “No, I shouldn’t. You should have some time as a family.” Johnny looked around the homey room with a wistful smile.

  “Please. You’ve known me and Vic for over 20 years. Whether you like it or not, you’re part of this family,” I said as I handed Marta another place setting. “Set up a spot for Uncle John, kiddo.”

  “I’m going to put him across from you, Aunt Gloria.” Marta took the place setting and skipped over to the table.

  “Okay, then. Guess I’m staying for dinner.” Johnny moved to help
Vic carry the food to the table while Jake and I helped the kids get settled. It took almost five minutes for the kids to agree on seating arrangements.

  “Who wants to say grace?” Vic asked her kids.

  “I’ll go,” Marta volunteered immediately.

  Marta, who was seated to my left, held out her tiny hand and I took it in mine. Since no one was seated to my right, I offered my other hand across the table to Johnny.

  Marta began, “God, thank you for bringing our whole family together. Especially thanks for bringing Aunt Gloria here because we all really miss her when she’s not around. And thanks for giving us such a great family. And for our health. And for all this yummy looking food. Amen.”

  I froze completely; my niece obviously had no idea about Vic’s illness. Marta slipped her hand free and reached for a roll. Only when I felt Johnny squeeze my other hand did I realize that I was still hanging on to him.

  “You alright?” he asked me quietly. I nodded, but my eyes betrayed my real feelings.

  “Aunt Gloria. We’re done praying now. You’re supposed to let go of hands when you’re done praying.” Marta shook her head at her silly aunt.

  “Sorry. Guess I forgot.” I let go of Johnny’s hand and smiled like nothing was wrong, but inside my stomach was one giant knot.

  For the rest of the meal, I picked at the food in front of me. I pretended to eat so the kids wouldn’t know something was wrong, but I couldn’t force down anything more than a couple of bites. Johnny was quiet throughout the meal, watching me with concern.

  “I’ll clean everything up, Vic,” I said when the meal was over. “You should go rest.”

  Vic started to protest but ended up taking me up on the offer. I cleared off the table while the rest of the family headed off to the living room to play card games. Just as I was turning on the dishwasher, Johnny came up behind me, stealthy as a cat.