“Up for a walk?” he asked.
I wiped my hands dry with a dishtowel. “Yeah, okay.”
The air outside was crisp and smelled of wet grass. I was a little chilled in my faded blue jeans and white tank top but I knew I would warm up as we walked.
“Where to?” I asked, looking around. There were fields of corn all around the house. A gentle wind tossed my hair around and tickled the back of my neck.
“Let’s go this way.” Johnny led us down the dirt path toward the main road. The sun was setting in the sky, lighting it up with streaks of red and gold. I used to love watching the sunset, but that had stopped when I left Princeton.
“It was nice to see Kate yesterday. She looks like she’s doing well.” I wasn’t sure if discussing Kate was still off limits or not, but I couldn’t think of anything else to say. “What happened to Brad?”
Kate and Brad had dated off and on during high school. Brad was a year older, like Johnny, and had a wild streak. He wasn’t too pleased when he found out he had knocked up Kate during our senior year.
“Brad and Kate got divorced a while ago. He moved to Clarksville.” Johnny didn’t seem upset with the topic of conversation so I pushed ahead.
“Does he still see Denton much?” Clarksville was about twenty minutes away from Princeton.
“Every other weekend. He may have been a shitty husband, but he’s a good father.” Johnny shoved his hands in his pockets and turned left down the main road.
“Well that’s good. And it’s good that Kate has you. She’s lucky.” I hated how stilted my words sounded. I didn’t really want to talk about Kate, but I couldn’t turn back now.
“She might not agree with you about that.” Johnny smirked, an unusual reaction from him. “She’s not too happy with me right now.”
“Dare I ask why?” I tried not to sound pleased.
“Mostly, because you’re back in town. And I didn’t tell her.” Johnny kicked at a large rock in the road, sending it scurrying into the grass.
“I don’t understand. Why didn’t you tell her? And why would me being back make her mad?” I said. We were approaching the end of the Delroys’ land and another dirt path led back from the road. Johnny turned down that path.
“I didn’t tell her because I knew she wouldn’t like it. She’s not exactly your biggest fan anymore, Glory.” Johnny looked at me and saw the confusion on my face. “When you left town, you didn’t just leave me. Kate was your best friend. She had just had a baby, and gotten engaged to Brad. She needed you, and you weren’t here.”
“I was always going to leave town, Johnny. It was never my plan to stay in Princeton. Kate knew that.” We had reached the end of the path and were standing in front of a disheveled house that was perched precariously on its foundation. “If I remember correctly, that had been your plan, too.”
“I know, and I’m not blaming you for leaving.” Johnny held up his hands defensively. “I’m just explaining why Kate might not be glad to see you.”
“Of all people, she should know the reason I left the way I did.” I shook my head sadly. Kate had given no indication that she was upset when I had left. In fact, before she got pregnant, Kate had made plans to leave Princeton, too.
“She doesn’t know.” Johnny said. “I never told her.”
“Well that’s convenient for you. You got to play the victim.” I felt my face flushing in annoyance.
Johnny looked chagrined. “I know. You’re right. But that’s not why I didn’t tell her. After you left, I sort of stopped talking to everyone. I just wanted to be left alone. I think some people assumed that you had dumped me and left town. And I guess I just let people think that.”
“No wonder they all look at me with disgust. Damn it, Johnny.” I felt like hitting something. Instead, I jabbed a finger into his chest. “You’re the one who broke up with me. You’re the one who told me to leave. I was ready to give up everything to stay here with you.”
“I know.” Johnny looked sadder than I had ever seen him look, including after his mother had died. “You have no idea how hard that was for me, Glor.”
“How hard it was for you? Nobody made you do it.” I was yelling now, and I hoped that nobody actually lived in the dilapidated home. Surely they would have come out to investigate by now.
“Glory, will you please just calm down for a second and let me explain?” Johnny was pleading with me now and I felt just a bit of my anger fade. I folded my arms across my chest and waited expectantly.
“You said you were ready to give up everything for me. You have to know that I couldn’t let you do that. We had always planned to get the hell out of here as soon as we could and when that fell through for me, I had to make sure you still went through with it. You never would have left if we were still together.” Johnny grabbed both of my arms so that I was forced to look him in the eye and see that he was being sincere. “If I had let you stay, I would have hated myself even more than I already do.”
“You broke my heart.” I wasn’t angry anymore; I felt defeated. “After everything we went through together… I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you and you sent me away. You destroyed me and I never got over it.”
“You think I did?” Johnny asked. “Do you think one day ever passed where I didn’t want to take it all back?”
I blinked furiously to keep my tears from falling. If I lost it now, it would take hours for me to pull myself back together.
“Why did you send me that letter?” I had to know the motive behind it.
“Don’t you know? It’s pretty obvious that Vic isn’t doing well. Jake hasn’t said anything to me directly, but I could tell.”
“That’s not what I asked you. I want to know why you sat down and wrote that letter asking me to come back.” I took a deep breath to compose myself before I looked Johnny directly in the eye.
“I’ve written you that letter a hundred times. That’s just the first one I actually sent.” Johnny inhaled deeply and exhaled in slow motion. “I wanted you to come back more than anything, but I could never ask you to do that for me. I couldn’t be that selfish. But I could do it for Vic. She’s your sister, and she needs you. I knew she would never ask you for help so I did it for her.”
“So that’s the reason? You did it for Vic?” I had been hoping for a different answer.
“No. The reason is because even after all these years, I still missed you. That’s the reason I asked you to come back. Vic was just the excuse.” Johnny’s icy blue eyes never blinked as he made his confession.
“She has cancer. It’s bad.” I could feel my chin quiver.
“Shit, Glor.” Johnny said. Neither of us spoke for a while, and we just stood there. Johnny was still gripping my arms, gentler than before.
“Why did you bring us here?” I asked finally with a nod to the house.
“No reason, really. I just think this house is interesting. It’s been abandoned for a couple of years now. Probably needs quite a bit of work.” Johnny dropped my arms. I could still feel the warmth from his hands on my skin. “The elderly couple that used to live here didn’t really keep up on the maintenance.”
“It’s nice,” I said as I looked at it closer. The porch was caving in a bit and it needed some fresh paint, but it had a warmth to it that drew me in.
“I used to imagine you and me living in a house like this,” Johnny said and I was hit by a wave of emotion as everything came rushing back to me.
I suddenly remembered everything: how Johnny’s lips had felt on mine during our first kiss; the way he used to smell fresh out of the shower after a baseball game; laying in the back of his pickup truck and watching the stars at night while we planned our future. In that very second, I fell in love with Johnny all over again, and I immediately felt my heart break again knowing that he wasn’t mine to love anymore.
“I should get back,” I said, turning away from him. I started off down the path at a quick pace so he wouldn’t see the tears streaming do
wn my face. “Vic might need me. And the kids are probably wondering where we went.”
“Glor, wait.” But I didn’t wait. I could hear his feet kicking up the dirt behind me and it made me walk faster. I cut across a worn part of the field rather than head all the way back down to the main road.
“Glory. Stop. Please.” Johnny was right behind me now but he didn’t dare touch me. “What did I say?”
I did stop, but only because my path had ended abruptly and I was cornered. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Really.”
“I still know you well enough to know when you’re lying,” Johnny said and this time he put one hand on my shoulder.
I turned slowly. The sun had completely set by now and I could barely see Johnny’s face. “You should have never invited me into that tree house.”
Johnny’s face registered complete confusion and then dissolved into laughter when he figured out what I meant. “Given the chance, I’d do it again. You were worth it.”
I laughed, too, mostly because it felt good to be laughing rather than crying.
“Come on, let’s get you home.” Johnny took the lead and guided us through the rows of corn until we were standing in front of the Delroy house.
“Aren’t you coming in?” I asked when Johnny headed off toward his truck.
“Nah, I think I’ve had enough family fun for the day. Just tell Jake I left that part in the barn, okay?” I nodded and headed up the porch steps.
When I got to the top of the stairs, I said, “Good night, Johnny.”
Johnny smiled and said, “Good night, Glor. Sleep tight.”
As I opened the screen door and heard the sounds of my sister’s family inside, I wondered if I could ever make things right again- things with Johnny, things with my family, and things with myself.
Princeton, Missouri: 1999
“Perfect!” Vic declared as she adjusted one last curl of my hair. “You look beautiful, Glory.”
“Stop.” I blushed at her compliment. “Thanks for letting me borrow the dress.”
“Somebody might as well wear it,” she said with a wry smile. It was the night of your junior prom, and I had begrudgingly agreed to go with you. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be with you, I was just nervous about attending the dance. I was afraid of how the other students would treat me.
Vic had been so excited when I told her the news that she had immediately run to her closet and returned to my room with her own prom dress. She had bought it almost a year in advance, and by the time prom rolled around, she had dropped out of school. So now Vic was staying home from her senior prom, rocking tiny Julia in her arms while helping me get ready.
“Are you nervous about tonight?” she asked as Julia fussed. Vic bounced her and patted her back.
“I’m not much of a school dance person,” I said, surveying my reflection with a critical eye. Vic’s short red dress fit me perfectly, but I felt like a fraud wearing it. This was supposed to be Vic’s night.
“That’s not exactly what I meant.” Vic gave me a big sister look. “I was talking about after the dance.”
I flushed a brilliant shade of red and ducked my head. “Vic.”
“Stop playing innocent,” she teased. “I know what happens on prom night. Just be careful or you’ll end up like me.”
Julia let out a loud grunt right on cue. “Vic, we aren’t going to do that tonight.” I was still so innocent I couldn’t even say the word sex to my older sister.
Vic’s face said that she didn’t believe me. “Fine, maybe not. But you aren’t going to be a virgin forever. So please, just promise me that when it happens you’ll be careful. Be smarter than me, huh?”
“I promise.” The doorbell rang and I rushed away from her knowing eyes. You stood on the other side of the door wearing a suit and tie, shuffling your feet nervously.
“Let’s go!” I rushed out onto the porch and grabbed you by the arm. Your face registered utter confusion.
“Not so fast.” Jake appeared out of nowhere. He had moved in with us a few months earlier when Julia was born. “I’d like to have a talk with your gentleman caller.”
Jake was only three years older than you, but he was extremely protective of me. So he pulled you into the kitchen while I waited impatiently in the doorway. I couldn’t hear or see what was happening and it made me nervous. When you came back, you wouldn’t look me in the eye and Jake was frowning and shaking his head, but I glimpsed a mischievous sparkle in his eyes.
We went to the dance and immediately realized we shouldn’t be there. The other kids blended seamlessly into the fairytale setting but you and I stood on the outside looking in. We danced to a few songs and posed for some pictures but when I suggested we leave early, you jumped at the chance.
You drove us to your place because your dad was out of town for work and we would have the whole house to ourselves. It didn’t even occur to me that something might happen. We had spent many days and nights alone in your house and it had never happened in the past. But Vic was right. Prom night was different.
Afterwards, we lay in your bed and discussed the future. We planned to leave Princeton without knowing where we would go. Maybe college, maybe jobs. The details didn’t matter. We never discussed it but in both of our minds the plan always required us to be together. It was an assumed fact. You and me, always.
It wasn’t until a few weeks later that you told me about your talk with Jake. He was as perceptive as Vic and knew exactly what was going to happen later that night. Jake gave you a nice long lecture about responsibility and being a man. Then he slapped a condom into your hand and said if you got me pregnant or hurt me in any way he would make you regret it. Jake was never the most eloquent man but he was always someone you wanted on your side. Just like you.
CHAPTER SEVEN
“Sit down, you’re making me nervous.” Vic shot me a dirty look as she shifted in her chair. I ignored my sister and continued to pace across the doctor’s office. It was Tuesday, and Vic had a meeting scheduled with her doctor to discuss treatment options. I had offered to come along so that Jake could stay and work the farm. Christopher had agreed to watch his brother and sister while we were out.
I stopped pacing and began perusing the doctor’s bookshelves. They were ordered alphabetically by title. “What kind of doctor takes the time to alphabetize their bookshelves? He’s not a quack is he?”
“Mrs. Delroy. Good to see you.” The door had opened and a man in white dress shirt and blue tie walked in. Presumably he was the doctor. “I see you brought a guest?”
“Dr. Bartz, this is my sister, Gloria.” Vic gave me a warning look that said for me to be nice.
“Nice to meet you,” I said as I shook the doctor’s hand. He looked normal enough, probably about ten years older than me. He had blond hair that was retreating from his forehead and his eyes were weary but his smile was warm enough.
“You look familiar. Have we met before?” Dr. Bartz asked.
“Nope.” I took a seat next to Vic.
“Well then, let’s discuss our plan of attack.” The doctor took a seat behind his desk and opened a folder holding Vic’s medical records. “As we discussed last time, surgery isn’t an option at this stage. We’ll start you with chemotherapy and if that goes well, we’ll proceed with radiation.”
“When will she start the chemo?” I asked as I reached over and took Vic’s hand.
“We’d like you to have your first treatment on Friday. It will likely make you very sick and it would be nice for you to have the weekend to recover.” Dr. Bartz made a note on one of his papers.
“Will I lose my hair?” Vic asked in a timid voice. “I know it’s so silly of me to be worrying about that, but well… will I?”
Dr. Bartz closed his folder and leaned forward in his seat. “It’s not silly at all. It’s a legitimate concern, and frankly I’m sorry to say that I don’t know the answer. Many people do lose their hair. But it’s not definite that you will.”
&nbs
p; I was beginning to like Dr. Bartz. “What are some of the other side effects that we can expect?”
“Fatigue is the most common, along with nausea and loss of appetite. It’s affects people differently, but any of those side effects would not be uncommon.” Dr. Bartz grew solemn. “Vic, you are a strong woman. I know that this is going to be very hard for you and your family, but we really need you to fight for us.”
Vic’s eyes grew watery but she nodded.
Dr. Bartz continued to walk us through the treatment, explaining step by step how we would attack the cancer. The prognosis did not sound good, but I knew that if anyone could beat the odds it would be my sister. Dr. Bartz seemed more than capable and I decided to put my trust in him.
Later that night, I headed off into town while Jake and Vic sat down with the kids to tell them about Vic’s illness. I thought that it was important for them to be together as a family. I didn’t pass a single car as I traveled into town. I was in an agitated state as I drove; the past few days had brought to the surface so many feelings I had spent my life burying. What I really needed was a friend.
I hadn’t had made a single real friend since I left Princeton. When I first moved out to California for college, I had roomed with a few girls that I used to refer to as “friends.” But I never shared anything personal with them, and they knew nothing about my past. I had taken small acting parts in some television shows after college, and I was so busy working to make a living that I didn’t have time to build relationships.
Then I had hit it big when I had been offered a supporting role in a movie that went on to get me a Golden Globe nomination. I didn’t win, but it wasn’t long before that movie made me a household name. When I took the starring role on Shining Light, I attracted all kinds of people who wanted to be my “friend.” None of those people could be trusted. For the past year, Richard had been the only person I had spent time with outside of work. It was almost funny to me that I had less friends now that I was famous than I’d had when I lived in Princeton.
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