I had no idea where to go, so I just turned randomly down familiar streets. I resisted the urge to turn down my old street and instead went one block further. I slowed to a stop in front of the Carter house and was surprised to see Johnny’s truck in the driveway. Either he was visiting his father or he still lived in childhood home. I didn’t know if I had the right to go knocking on the door unannounced so I just sat there.
Eventually, the door opened and Johnny came out carrying a white trash bag. He walked toward the end of the driveway where the trashcan sat but he froze halfway there when he saw my car. I waved at him meekly, still not sure why I was even there. Johnny started walking again and deposited the trash in the receptacle. He waved for me to get out of my car.
I climbed out slowly, feeling stupid for even coming. Johnny made things worse when he asked, “Are you stalking me now? Not that I mind.”
“Ha. Ha. I actually had no idea you would be here.” This was true. I had just wanted to see the house and the old neighborhood. I crossed the street without looking, knowing that there would be no traffic to worry about.
“You didn’t think I would be home? Or you didn’t know that I still lived here?”
“Both, I guess. I wasn’t even sure if your dad still lived here and I had no idea where you shack up these days.” I smiled sweetly.
“Yep, Dad still lives here. I used to have a place over on Crawford Street, but when Dad had a stroke last year I moved back home to keep an eye on him.” Johnny waved to a neighbor across the street that had just stepped outside and was unabashedly staring at us.
“Of course you did. You’ve always been Mr. Responsibility.” I groaned dramatically. “Don’t you ever get tired of doing the right thing? You make the rest of us look bad.”
“I’m sure you can do that just fine on your own. I’ve seen the mug shot to prove it.” Johnny was throwing low blows now, but I knew that he was just teasing.
“Not my finest moment, I agree. Just one of many.” I winced as I thought about the incident surrounding that mug shot. I was 24 at the time and had just finished filming the first season of my show. I had drank too much at the wrap party and then tried to drive home. Apparently, I inherited my good sense from my father. Unlike my father, though, I was pulled over before I could hurt anyone, including myself. The mug shot had been plastered on the tabloids for the next month.
That incident had been enough to scare me straight. I stopped my partying after that night and now only had an occasional drink, not counting my recent public display of drunkenness for which I was ashamed. The last thing I wanted to do was grow up to be like my father.
“Did you want to come inside?” Johnny asked, bringing me back to the present. “It’s a shame Dad isn’t home right now; I know he’d love to see you.”
“I probably shouldn’t come in. I remember what used to happen whenever we were alone in that house.” I laughed with satisfaction when Johnny began to blush.
“You were definitely a bad influence on me,” Johnny said, also laughing.
“If I remember correctly, you didn’t require a whole lot of influencing.”
“Point taken. Come with me, I want to show you something,” Johnny said. I hesitated before agreeing to go with him but nodded when he clarified, “Not inside. I promise.”
He led us across the yard and around the house. “Careful, the ground is a bit muddy back here after that rain yesterday.”
Johnny offered his hand to me and I took it just as my foot slipped slightly underneath me. “I’ve gotcha,” he said as I gripped his hand tighter.
We were almost at the end of the yard and I knew where Johnny was taking me. I could see the faint outline of the tree house through the tree’s leaves. “It’s really still here?”
“Yeah, it is. Dad was going to remove it a few years ago, but I asked him to leave it. It’s a little rotted in some spots, but it held up pretty good over the years.” Johnny stopped at the base of the trunk and pointed up. “After you.”
“Oh, no. I’m not falling for that.” I tried to back away but Johnny still had my hand and he wasn’t letting me leave.
“Come on, Glor. Don’t be a chicken. I’ll be right behind you.” Johnny gave me a lovely smile and my resolve evaporated.
“Fine. Just don’t let me fall,” I said as I gave him my sternest look.
“I’d never let you fall, Glory,” Johnny assured me.
I grabbed onto one of the wooden rungs that had been hammered into the trunk. They were a little too small for my adult-sized hands and feet but by using careful placement I was able to climb upward. Johnny was right behind me, his arms on either side of me at waist level. If I fell, he would either catch me or I would take him out on the way down. It was a familiar situation for us.
I stuck my head up through the hole in the base of the tree house and peered around. It looked almost exactly as I remembered it. The floor seemed sturdy enough so I used my upper body to hoist myself up completely. Once inside, I found that the ceiling wasn’t high enough for me to stand upright so I took a seat instead. Johnny had no choice but to sit next to me since there wasn’t enough room for two adults to be moving around. The tree house had seemed much bigger in my memory.
It still smelled the same as I remembered it though. I saw old toys, books and magazines stuffed in the corners. One corner of the ceiling had begun to rot away, and I wondered about the structural integrity of the whole thing and whether or not it was wise to be up there.
“What are you thinking?” Johnny asked, breaking the silence.
“I’m trying to decide whether or not this whole thing is going to crash to the ground,” I answered honestly. I was comforted slightly by the fact that it wasn’t creaking or shaking.
“You are such a worrier. It’s fine.” Johnny shifted and pulled out a toy truck that he had been sitting on. “Was it always this small?”
I laughed. “I was just wondering the same thing. I think the problem is that we got bigger.”
“Maybe you have, I’m still as svelte as ever,” Johnny joked.
I looked around again, and shook my head in disbelief. “I haven’t been up here since…”
“Since the night after my mother’s funeral,” Johnny finished for me.
“Yeah.” I wasn’t sure what to say so I didn’t say anything.
“I was such a mess,” Johnny stared off at nothing, lost in his memories. “You were amazing that night. I would have been so lost without you.”
I reached one hand out cautiously and entwined my fingers through Johnny’s. His hand instinctively relaxed and molded around mine. “I still think about her all the time,” I confessed.
Mrs. Carter had been one of my all-time favorite people. She was a warm, giving woman and an amazing mother. In many ways she was the mother I had always wanted and she had often told me she thought of me like a daughter.
Both Johnny and I had been devastated when Mrs. Carter had been diagnosed with breast cancer at such a young age. Johnny had just turned sixteen and he adored his mother. The cancer was advanced and the treatment options weren’t as good back then. She had only lasted six months before the cancer took her.
After the funeral, I had searched all over for Johnny, finally finding him crouched in the tree house, grieving his loss. I hadn’t said a word to him, just wrapped my arms around his convulsing body. I held him as tight as I possibly could and eventually he had fallen asleep with his head on my shoulder. I stayed that way, not moving a muscle, long after my arm had fallen asleep.
He woke up a couple of hours later, and something inside him had changed. I could never figure it out, but there was an earnestness in his eyes that hadn’t been there before. He had looked at me, smiled knowingly, and then kissed me. It had been our very first kiss, and I hadn’t seen it coming. It had taken my breath away and I had never wanted it to end. Just like that, we were a couple without even discussing it.
“Mom always loved you,” Johnny said sadly. “She w
ould have been so happy if she had lived long enough to see us get together.”
“What do you think she would say if she could see us now?”
“She’d probably say, get the hell out of that rotten tree house you idiots.” We both laughed.
“Why did you kiss me that night?” I had always wondered what had clicked inside of him, but I had never had the courage to ask.
“I’d been wanting to do that for at least a year. But I was scared you wouldn’t want me to. I just didn’t think I could handle being rejected by you.” Johnny squeezed my hand gently. “Mom said something to me a couple of nights before she died. And I started thinking about that when we were up here that night.”
“What did she say to you?” My voice was barely audible.
“She said that if I ever loved someone as much as she loved me and my father, then I needed to make sure the person knew how I felt and I should do everything I could to make that person happy. She said that being afraid is just a part of life, but that some of the best things happen to us when we face our fears.”
My mouth had gone completely dry. “Your mom was a smart woman.”
“The smartest. Anyway, I decided to put all the other crap aside and just go for it. Guess it worked for me.” Johnny laughed softly.
“For a while anyway,” I said. “Until being with me almost ruined your life.”
Johnny sighed loudly. “Glory, I don’t blame you for what happened to me. Not even a little bit. So why do you insist on blaming yourself?”
“Johnny, if you go back and take me out of your life, it ends differently. You don’t get arrested, you don’t lose your scholarship, and you don’t get stuck in this damn town.” I tried to let go of Johnny’s hand but he wouldn’t let me.
“If I go back and take you out of my life, there’s nothing there that was worth living for. You were everything to me, Glory. Everything. Why can’t you understand that?” Johnny asked in exasperation.
“You were nineteen years old. You had so many dreams, so much potential. I know that you loved me, Johnny. I never doubted that. But that shouldn’t have meant you giving up on the rest of your life just to protect me.” I finally managed to pull my hand away. “And I’ve had to live with that guilt for the past ten years.”
I managed to craw over to the exit and ease myself down. It took more effort going down than it had taken to go up and I felt relieved when my feet were back on solid ground. I didn’t wait for Johnny, and took off in the opposite direction from which we had come. I was halfway across my old backyard when Johnny caught up to me.
“How do we fix this? How do we fix us?” Johnny had to jog to catch up.
“We don’t, Johnny. You keep living your life, and I’ll go off and live mine. Just like we’ve been doing,” I said.
“I don’t want things to stay the same. I want you in my life again. You and me, like it used to be.” Johnny was being stubborn now, a trait that I used to find charming but now it was just annoying.
“Are you still with Kate?” I snapped.
“Kate?” Johnny was confused by the turn the conversation had taken. “Yeah, we’re still together. What’s that got to do with anything?”
“You’re still with Kate. I still have my life in California. You have your business here. I have responsibilities there.” I ticked each item off on my hand. “Johnny, as long as all those things are true, there isn’t going to be a ‘you and me.’ That’s just a fact.”
I left him standing there as I circled the house. I stopped and looked at it closer. When our mother had taken off with her new boyfriend shortly before Johnny’s mother had died, she had left the house to me and Vic so we would have a place to live. After I had left town, Vic and Jake had raised their kids there for a while. It was only after J.J. was born that they had moved out to the farm. The house had sat abandoned ever since.
It had been a long day and I was tired. I leaned up against the front of the house and closed my eyes. With my eyes closed, my other senses kicked in and I could hear children’s laughter somewhere down the street. I could smell freshly mowed grass and the faintest hint of food on a grill. I could also hear Johnny’s soft footsteps as he approached.
“You look tired,” he said, stating the obvious.
“I am. I am so very tired.” I wasn’t angry or annoyed anymore, just tired and sad. I opened my eyes and found Johnny standing right in front of me, only inches away. “You were my first friend, Johnny. You were my first boyfriend, my first lover. You were the first person besides Vic who ever really loved me and cared about me. I will always be grateful to you for that.”
I choked up and took a couple of breaths to calm myself. “And more than all of that, you were my best friend. I confided in you completely, and trusted you with my deepest secrets. And I need to do that one more time. And then I need you to walk away, and not look back.”
“Glory, what are you saying? Don’t talk like that-”
“Johnny. Please. I’m asking you to be my best friend again. I just need you to listen, and then I need you to go. Promise me.” I held out my hand, one pinky in the air. Johnny looked at me, then at my hand.
“Okay, Glory. If that’s what you want, I’ll do it.” He wrapped his pinky finger around mine, thereby sealing the deal. Just like we had done when we were kids.
“Vic is sicker than I thought. The doctor tried to sound positive, but it doesn’t look good. She probably won’t live much longer than a year.” I could feel the tears start to fall and I didn’t try to stop them. “Four kids, my nieces and nephews, have just found out that their mother is dying. And I can’t do anything. All the money I have, and I can’t fix it.”
Johnny started to reach for me, but I held up my hand. “Please, let me finish. I have one year to make up for the past ten years. I’ve been a crappy sister to Vic, a nonexistent aunt to those kids, a wretched girlfriend to Richard, and a terrible friend to you. That’s a lot of things to fix, and I don’t think I have it in me to fix all of them. So I’m asking you to let me focus on them, on making things right with my family.”
“You’re asking me to leave you alone?” Johnny said.
“Yes. That’s what I’m asking. Because when you’re in my life, I get tunnel vision. You’re all I can see, all I can think about. I can’t do that right now. I need to be there for them.” I was crying harder now.
“Okay, Glor. If that’s what you want, I’ll do it.” Johnny started to back away.
“Wait,” I said. “Before you go, can I ask you for one more thing? You can say no if you want. I’ll understand.”
Johnny nodded for me to continue. “Will you just hold me and tell me everything’s going to be okay? I know it’s not true, but if you say it maybe I can believe it.”
Johnny pulled me in close, holding on as if he would never let go. He placed his lips up against my ear and said, “Everything’s going to be fine, Glory.” And then he kissed me softly on the temple and I almost believed him. Almost.
“Vic’s dying,” I murmured into his chest. Johnny held me even closer. Our hearts were beating in tune and it felt like our bodies were melting together. Johnny gave me one last squeeze and then he kept his promise: he left, and he didn’t look back.
Princeton, Missouri: 2000
So far, every time I put pen to paper the story that unfolds revolves around you. Maybe it’s because I’m still hopelessly in love with you, but this time the story is a little different. Because you weren’t the only person in my life back then. I had a family, albeit a dysfunctional one.
I had Vic and Jake, and little Julia. And then there was my mom. She took off with Dave and we didn’t see her for years. She paid us exactly one visit after her departure, the summer before my junior year in high school. You were gone playing in a baseball tournament across the state and I never even told you about it.
I know how much you hated my parents, and I don’t blame you. I hated them, too. But you hated them even more because you always wanted
to protect me from all the bad things in life, including them. Telling you about my mom’s visit would’ve upset you, so I never said a word. But now I think it’s time to come clean.
Mom was off the drugs and sober for possibly the first time ever. Vic still wouldn’t let her hold Julia, though. She kept that little girl clutched to her chest the entire time. I was envious- I wanted my own human shield to keep my mom away.
“You need to do something with your hair, Glory,” Mom said with a wrinkle of her nose. She had been in the house for less than an hour and had already insulted me four times.
“Why are you here?” Vic demanded as she refilled Mom’s coffee cup.
“I came to check on my girls.” Mom gave Vic a pointed look. “It seems I got here just in time.”
Vic was six months pregnant with Christopher at the time. She and Jake had married a few months earlier, a quick trip to City Hall had made it official. Vic’s life hadn’t exactly gone according to plan, but she was happy with Jake and excited about the future. My mom managed to ruin all of that for her.
“I don’t know how you let this happen, Victory. Your father is rolling over in his grave right now.” Mom clucked her tongue and shook her head.
“Don’t talk about that asshole,” I snapped. Mom had quick reflexes and I didn’t even see her raise her hand. The next thing I knew, my head was snapping back and my cheek stung. I felt a rage burning in my stomach and I jumped to my feet. “Sorry, Vic, but I’m out of here.”
I didn’t even stop to grab anything on my way out. Kate’s parents let me crash on their couch for two nights until Vic finally called to give me the all clear. When I went back to the house, there was a look in Vic’s eyes that I had never seen.
“Where’d she go?” I asked Vic as I looked around the house. No trace of my mother remained.
“Don’t know, don’t care. She’s never invited back into this house.”
I found out later that our mom hadn’t truly been off the drugs, she had just gotten better at hiding it. At some point, she had picked up Julia when Vic wasn’t looking and in her inebriated state, dropped the toddler on her head. Vic spent the night in the hospital with her, and Julia was diagnosed with a concussion. Jake had taken care of our mom and I knew how effective he could be when he was pissed off.
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