by Amity Cross
I’d just started on this mindless trip to Nowheresville. Zoe said I would just have to give it time. I was determined to give it time before I flung myself over the cliff.
Gravel crunching underfoot, I slunk back to the car and sat on the bonnet, looking out over the canyon as the sun sank even further. Taking out my phone, I was surprised to see I had a signal. I had no idea where they were, but I dialed Zoe’s number and hoped she would pick up. I needed to hear a voice, and hers was the only one I wanted. We’d hardly gone a day without speaking to each other at least once. She was my anchor.
She picked up after three rings. “Dee?”
“Hey.” I’m sure I sounded as deflated as I felt.
“How are you?” she asked, and I could instantly hear the concern in her voice.
“Fine.”
“Really?”
I let out a sharp sigh.
“What have you been doing?”
“I’ve been seeing the ass crack of America,” I said wryly.
“Dee.”
“Zoe.”
“Where you at?”
“I’m driving cross country. I’m at the Grand Canyon.”
“What part?”
“I dunno. Arizona? Utah? Arizona, I think.”
“Are you lost?”
“No,” I said, squinting against the sun. “I just don’t have a destination yet.”
There was silence for a moment, and I wondered if I’d gotten away with it. Her not asking any more questions about my unstable state of mind.
But I wasn’t that lucky.
“What aren’t you telling me?” she asked.
I sighed dramatically, shifting on the bonnet. “Can’t get nothing past you, hot legs.”
“Shit, no,” she replied. “What did she do?”
It annoyed the shit outta me how Zoe knew everything I thought before I did. “She…”
“You can tell me. Just you and me.”
“Everything she said, it just got worse. I…” I ran a hand over my face. “I felt it. It was real to me.”
“You fell for her? Like…”
“Don’t say it, Zo.”
“Okay, I won’t. What did she do, Dee?”
“We slept together, and she left me in the middle of the night never to be seen again.”
“Shit.” I hoped realization was dawning because I didn’t have it in me to explain anymore.
“It’s done. It’s over,” I said.
“The label?”
“I’m not going to get her fired, Zoe,” I said irritably. “It was as much my fault as hers.”
“Dee, it wasn’t your fault. She ditched you. That was a shitty thing to do. Period.”
“Yeah, but I pushed her emotionally. I may as well have gotten down on my knees and declared my love for her.”
Zoe was quiet for a moment. “You love her?”
“Fucking hell, Zoe.” I sighed sharply. “How could I love her? How? In the real world, there’s no such thing as love at first sight. Lust, yeah, but not love.”
“But she got to you?”
“Obviously.”
“Why didn’t you tell me the other day?”
“Because I’m the one who looks after you. Not the other way around.”
“Dee, I told you I would do anything for you. No questions.”
“I know. It’s just… I don’t need to be saved.”
“It’s not about saving you,” she said thinly. “It’s about being there to support you.”
I let out a long shaky sigh, not knowing what to say. What could I say?
“What do you want me to do? What do you want?”
“I don’t know, Zo. I don’t know what to do.”
“Is being alone the best thing right now?”
“I’m not going home.”
“I didn’t mean…”
“I love you and the guys, and I love the band. I always will. It’s everything else… I just want more. Is it wrong to want more?”
“No, it’s not. You, more than anyone I know, deserve everything good in the world. You saved my life, Dee.”
I felt tears welling inside me and was glad I was alone on the side of a highway in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere where no one was around to see.
“I was so sure, Zo,” I said instead. “I’ve never been so sure of anything in my whole entire life.”
“I know. I saw.”
“How could I be so fucking wrong?”
“If you’re asking me and not the universe, I think she’s the one who was wrong. Who would do that to you? You’re amazing.”
“I don’t know who I am anymore.” It was out of my mouth before I really understood what it meant.
“Dee?” she asked. “What do you mean?”
“I won’t stuff the band up, Zo. Never. I just…” I let out a long sigh. “I just need this time before I come home, okay?”
She let it drop almost immediately, and I was relieved beyond belief. “Where are you exactly? Like right now?”
“I’m sitting on the bonnet of my rental car looking out over the Grand Canyon. I’m the only one here.”
“Dee, that’s amazing. Think of the amazing thing you’re seeing right now.”
“If Dee was at the Grand Canyon and no one was around to see it, was he really at the Grand Canyon?”
The silence stretched on into infinity, and even I knew I was beating my head against a wall. I had to want to get over Jessie, not wallow in the thing I couldn’t have. The more I thought about it, the more I wondered if Jessie had anything to do with it at all. This storm had been brewing for a while, and she’d just pushed the last part of my sorry ass over the edge.
“I don’t know what to say to make it better, Dee,” Zoe said.
“Time,” I murmured. “You already told me.”
“You don’t have to tell me,” she said, her voice so quiet on the other end of the line I almost missed it. “I get it.”
I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. This whole conversation was beginning to go around and around like a perverted merry-go-round. “I’ll call you in a couple of days, okay?”
“Okay. Love you.”
“Love you.”
Chapter 12
Jessie
I would like to say things were okay.
I would like to say I wasn’t feeling guilty for what I’d done.
Anything I could’ve said to make things seem better would’ve been nothing but a pathetic excuse.
I’d stared down at Dee while he slept and realized I couldn’t do it to him. He was genuinely good. Once he figured out I was less than desirable and about the crap I was hiding from, he would ditch me the first chance he got. So to save everyone, I cut out the middleman and left. I was afraid of the feelings he’d stirred up in me, and I was afraid of hurting him. Walking away seemed to be the best option for both of us. He wouldn’t have, so I had to.
I kept telling myself I had to be cruel to be kind, but that was just fucked up. If I thought doing something like running out on the sweetest guy ever in the middle of the night after sleeping with him was the way to go…then I didn’t deserve him. The problem was, I didn’t deserve him in the first place.
I had to forget about Dee Cosgrove, and Dee Cosgrove had to forget about me. It was as simple as that.
Sitting on the floor in the back room of Couch, the cafe slash bar where I worked, doing inventory wasn’t helping my state of mind all that much. I started counting the back stock of coffee beans for the fifth time.
One, two, eight, five, seven. Shit.
“Jessie,” Ed called out into the silent room, making me jump.
Ed was my boss and the sweetest thing. Flirted nonstop but he was one hundred percent gay and one hundred percent sweetheart.
Glancing up, I saw his head sticking through the door, his glasses askew. “Yeah?”
“There’s some woman out front asking for you.”
I frowned, wondering who it could be. I didn’t really h
ave any friends outside of work. “Okay, I’ll be out in a second.”
Ed nodded, and the door closed behind him. Dusting off my jeans, I wandered out front. That was when my gaze collided with Zoe Granger.
Instantly, my blood ran cold, and I felt like running in the opposite direction. Why was she here? Why I even asked myself the question was pointless. There was only one reason, and it was the one I left sleeping in my hotel room back in LA.
Taking a deep breath, I stopped in front of her on the opposite side of the counter, hoping that it would serve as some kind of buffer if she decided to throttle me.
“How did you find me?” I asked quietly. She leaned against the counter, looking tough with all her tattoos and wild hair, and I felt like a mouse compared to her.
“I threatened Georgie with a sexual harassment suit.”
I snorted.
“I’m gonna cut to the chase,” she said in her thick Australian accent. “You know why I’m here, Jessie.”
I nodded, trying to stop myself from checking for an escape route.
“I think it would be best if we had a seat, yes?” She gestured behind her where the cafe was still fairly empty. Mid-afternoon and all.
I glanced up at Ed, who nodded. “Take your break now if you want.” He gave me a look that said ‘Are you okay?’ and I nodded.
“Thanks.”
I rounded the counter and followed Zoe to a seat in the middle of the room stuffed with mismatched couches. Whatever she had to say to me, I would have to endure, and I wasn’t looking forward to it. I noticed her boyfriend sitting by the front window, a coffee on the table front of him. Truthfully, I was scared of Zoe. She and Dee had this thing that was… I had no words to describe it. She would fight to the death to protect him, and he would probably do the same. Who was I to compete with that?
She eyed me across the table, taking in my shaking hands, and I shoved them under my legs.
“Why did you do it?” she asked.
I stiffened. That was the million-dollar question, wasn’t it? Why did I keep fucking up everything? The only thing I had was the story I kept telling myself over and over. The one that oozed integrity because I didn’t really have any of that. I was a walking lie.
“When I started interning, I vowed not to be like Georgie. I promised myself that I would never mix with the bands like that. I wanted to keep my relationships strictly professional. I overstepped the line.”
“Bullshit,” Zoe cursed, making me jump. “Sometimes, you have to break your own rules to get your happy ending.”
“I can’t. I’ve screwed things up, anyway.”
“Yes, you have. But why do you think I’m here?”
I shook my head. “Why are you here? I assume you want to beat my ass, and quite frankly, I don’t blame you.”
Zoe laughed, leaning back in her chair. “I’m not gonna beat you up, Jessie. I’m Dee’s best friend. I know him like the back of my own hand. He would do anything for me, and I would do anything for him. He has some kind of feelings for you, enough to put himself through the wringer over, and by the look on your face, I think you can feel that tingling, too.”
“I can’t…” I began, glancing around the cafe uneasily, anywhere but into Zoe’s eyes. “It’s too late. He wouldn’t—”
“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t think you would have a chance.”
“It’s not that simple. I can’t leave.” Another excuse.
She let out a sharp sigh. “Four years ago, my now ex-boyfriend pushed me down a flight of stairs, left me in agony, and turned all my friends against me. I know all about running and not trusting. I wouldn’t be who I am now without Dee’s help, and I certainly wouldn’t be with Will. So, yeah, I know exactly what you’re going through. The first time Will kissed me, I ran away because I was so fucking terrified I would break again.”
I stared at her, and I couldn’t picture her like that at all. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because I can see it written all over your face. I don’t know what you’re running from, Jessie, but you’re running in the wrong direction.”
I crossed my arms over my stomach, squirming in my seat. How the hell did she know? Was I that much of an open book?
“Takes one to know one,” she declared, picking up on my feelings.
“Where is he? Is he here?” I swallowed hard. I didn’t know what I would do if he walked through that door now. He probably hated me. I hated me.
“No. He’s on some crazy road trip in the middle of God knows where.” She rolled her eyes like it was messing with her, too. “Look, he’ll never come find you. He’s not like that. Dee’s had his fair share of ups and downs with women, but he’s never had his heart broken before. He’s taking it pretty hard. He’s lost.”
I flinched, looking at the tabletop. When I left, I didn’t think it would turn out like this. I thought I was saving him from heartache, not giving it to him. “I didn’t mean… I…”
“I get it,” Zoe said.
“Do you really think I have a chance at fixing this?”
She smiled, glancing over to where her boyfriend, Will, was sitting drinking a coffee by the front window. “We were in Houston,” she said. “The only reason we’re here is because of you. If that doesn’t tell you anything, then I don’t know what else I can say.”
“Oh.” They really flew all that way to convince me to try to win Dee back?
“Now, what are you gonna do? If you want him, I can help you track him down, but after that, you’re on your own.”
The last time I made such a spontaneous decision, it landed me in hot water so deep I’d almost drowned. If I could win back Dee, then maybe he could save me. Maybe I could save him. Maybe I could just make things right again.
“Okay,” I said before I could pull my classic move, the one that saw me running.
“Good.”
“I need a day. I need to sort out work and…” My voice shook so much I was sure I was about to burst into tears at any moment. What if… No time for what ifs.
“It’ll be fine, Jessie. I’m not saying it won’t be hard because it will be. He’ll make it hard because he’s a stubborn ass, but if this thing is real between you, then you have to believe.”
I looked at her for a moment, and suddenly, she didn’t seem so scary. “You know, the thing you have with Dee is kind of intimidating.”
She smiled, knowing that she’d worn me down. “I know. He would kill me with his bare hands if he knew I was here.”
I dropped my head into my palms. “I don’t know how I let myself get to this point.”
“Fear.”
I stared up at her and bit my lip. She got it. I didn’t know her whole story, but Zoe got it. I just hoped she was right about this because it meant my whole life needed to be cut up and put back together.
I didn’t know who the hell I was going to be after the glue went on.
That bit would be up to Dee.
Chapter 13
Dee
Driving down the open road into the sunset sounded like such an adventure.
Nothing but the ever-changing landscape, new places, and faces. A different experience waiting around every corner and at the top of every rise, just sitting there waiting for you to come across it…but the open expanse of countryside felt as empty as I was inside. In true Dee fashion, I just kept on truckin’. Counterterrorism.
I’d made it all the way to Denver from the Grand Canyon, and I was tired of the car. I got a room at the first motel I came across, which looked like something out of a horror movie, and collapsed on the bed in a cloud of mothballs. I just wanted to sleep the pain away.
I hadn’t played my guitar once or even written a word in my notebook of songs. I hadn’t done anything that I usually would’ve to cheer myself up. I hadn’t even looked to see if there was anything interesting to do in this city. It was like the miles I’d driven were some kind of metaphoric distance thing. The further I drove, the further away from
that thing that happened I would be, and at the end of the road, Nirvana would be waiting. So fucking philosophical.
Remembering the promise I made to Zoe, I fished out my phone and dialed her number. I might be on the slow road to rock bottom, but I still couldn’t go a day without talking to her. I had no idea where she and Will were going next on their trip. I think she wanted to go to Houston and check out a bunch of space stuff. Houston, we have a problem and all that crap. Zoe had this thing with stars and galaxies and was forever reading books and newspaper articles. Why, I don’t know. The universe was too big for my tiny mind to comprehend.
The person you have dialed is not available…
When the beep came, instead of hanging up, I decided to leave her a message. Nobody left voicemail anymore, but there I went breaking stereotypes again.
“So I’m not dead yet,” I said, catching my reflection in the bathroom mirror through the open door. I looked like shit on a stick. “I really miss you guys. Even Frank’s stupid face and that’s sayin’ somethin’. This road trip’s the furthest thing from Thelma and Louise as you can get. There hasn’t been one trucker that’s catcalled me or nothin’.” I debated on hanging up and trying her later, but I said what was on my mind. “The silence is getting to me. There’s just…nothing, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
Running a hand over my face, I grimaced. I didn’t even understand what I was on about. Before I could get more philosophical in my depression, I pressed the end call button on the screen and tossed the phone onto the table.
Trying to understand this thing I was feeling was eating me up. Was I feeling this fucking shit because I’d fallen for Jessie? Like, no turning back fallen? I didn’t think it was possible to love someone so soon after meeting them. Connection, explosive sex or not.
My phone started to ring, vibrating across the table. Picking it up, I saw it was Zoe.
“Hey,” I said with a sigh.
“Some message,” she said, and I could imagine the expression that went with her tone of voice. Like she was looking at a car crash.