by Amity Cross
“Hey, mate,” he said. “Ready to go?”
“Raring. Where we going?”
“Guerrilla busking,” Zoe said with an evil smirk.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, cocking my head to the side. Sounded like some kind of terrorist plot.
“Busking without permission,” Will said, wiggling his eyebrows. “The riskier, the better.”
Zoe elbowed him with a laugh. “We’re going to play some of our new stuff, and Will’s gonna film it. Simone reckons it’s a great idea. We’ll stick it on our YouTube channel.”
“Don’t you need some kind of permit to busk here?”
She shrugged, giving me a wicked smile. “Dunno. Let’s find out the hard way.”
“Are you trying to get me arrested? How’s that productive?”
“The only cops we’re gonna have to tangle with are the wannabe ones.”
That could only mean we were going to a shopping center or someplace like it. Maybe the boardwalk. “Security guards like to crack skulls, Zo.”
“And if they try anything, I hope you remember how to run.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“Because even though life has kicked you in the gut, you need to be reminded of all the good things that are still in it. Like music, friends, the thrill of spontaneity…me.”
“Hey,” Will said, pinching her on the ass.
Letting out a squeal, she turned around, almost knocking me out with her guitar that she had slung over her back and laid a kiss on her boyfriend. I suddenly felt like a third wheel and a pretty pathetic one at that.
“Let’s go before I decide to run the other direction,” I said sharply, beginning to walk toward the revolving doors. Zoe ran up behind me and threaded an arm through mine, our guitars smashing together. “You’re paying bail if I get locked up,” I said, wincing as an off-tune note thrummed out into the marble foyer.
“You’re on.”
It wasn’t long until we were walking down Rodeo Drive with all its designer stores, wannabe celebrities, and heaving hordes of tourists. Almost every store had a security guard positioned at the door. You know, those big beefy guys with sunnies and crew cuts who looked like they were Secret Service wannabes. Cracking skulls. Yeah, not such a fan.
We positioned ourselves out the front of a designer boutique with bags, purses, and shoes of all kinds in the window. All sparkly and expensive looking. There was a lot of foot traffic, most of it going in and out the store. I reckon we would be annoying more than anything, not exactly LAPD fodder, more like mall cop candy. Will backed up across the footpath with his video camera and gave us the thumbs up.
“ʻRed Heart’?” Zoe asked with a wink.
“Let’s do it.”
The moment Zoe and I began playing, it all came flooding back. The passion, the uninhibited feeling of being lost in this thing we’d created. In my wallowing, I’d let my grip slip on the one thing that kept me afloat all these years. Music was my soul. Fuck that other shit.
We’d almost gotten to the end by the time the security guard wised up and saw us standing out the front of their perfect window display. A crowd of people had gathered and were blocking the entrances, making it hard for people to get in and out.
“Hey!” he yelled at us, and instantly, our audience started to disperse. Five-thousand-dollar handbags must be serious business in these parts.
Both Zoe and I stopped playing at the same time, our fingers sliding over the strings. She looked at me, and then I looked at the security guard who was storming toward us, hands on a walkie-talkie.
“Ready?” she whispered in my ear.
I grabbed her hand, and we bolted in the opposite direction, scattering people in our wake. A grin began splitting my face as we darted through the scores of pedestrians as the security guard chased us. I don’t know why he bothered—maybe he wanted to look like a tough guy—but he was hot on our tail.
Bumping shoulders and shouting apologies, we darted across the street, and when we realized we weren’t being followed anymore, Zoe pulled me into an alley off the main drag.
Laughing, I let go of her hand and leaned back against the wall. Not exactly the episode of COPS she’d planted in my brain but as close as I wanted to get.
Zoe stooped forward with her hands on her knees. “I think he chased us for, like, a block and a half before he gave up.”
“I didn’t think he would last that long.”
She rolled her eyes. “It’s like four hundred meters.”
“I didn’t think he would get past one.”
“Wasn’t exactly living on the edge, more like making a nuisance of ourselves, but it did the trick.”
“What’s the trick?” I asked, already knowing the answer.
She tapped her temple and smiled.
A few minutes later, Will appeared around the corner. “Guys, that was gold.”
“Got some good stuff?” Zoe asked.
“This shit’s gonna go viral.” He gave the camera to Zoe, and she turned her back, watching the footage with a stupid grin on her face.
“Can I say something?” Will asked, eyeing Zoe.
“Sure.” My thoughts were still plastered on our stupid little stunt, or otherwise, I would’ve told him to drop it.
“Anyone with eyes in their head can see how messed up you are about this Jessie thing.”
I narrowed my eyes. In a way, I kinda expected him to say something about that, but right at that moment? Hell, no.
“Mate, all I’m saying is that if you want her that much, more than just a onetime thing, then you should do something about it.”
He had no idea what she’d done. Of course, he didn’t. I’d said absolutely zilch about it. “I can’t.”
“Perseverance and balls,” he said, looking back at Zoe. “If she’s who you want, then that’s what it takes.”
I didn’t want someone who didn’t want me. Simple. You didn’t run off on someone you wanted to be with in the middle of the night after sex. “Will, I appreciate the advice and all, but it’s not going to work out. I’m not going after her.” I couldn’t, more like it. That kinda shit hurt a man’s pride.
He grimaced and clapped me on the shoulder. “If you say so.”
“I know so.”
“Honey pie, sweet cheeks,” Zoe chortled, coming back toward us. “You amaze me every day.”
“Nothin’ sweet about these cheeks,” Will said, taking the camera off her.
“Wanna go again?” Zoe asked me, shoving her hand in the back pocket of Will’s jeans.
“Once is enough,” I said. “I haven’t run that far since Year Ten PE.”
“Okay, but I’m hungry,” Will grumbled, nodding back toward the street.
“Burgers?” Zoe poked me in the gut.
“Sure.”
As Will wandered off in front of us, she slipped an arm through mine. “It was more than like for you, wasn’t it?” she murmured in my ear.
I ground my teeth together. She’d obviously been doing a lot of thinking about it, and I didn’t know if that was a good thing.
“I saw the way you looked at her.”
My blood started to boil. Why wouldn’t she just leave it alone?
“If you want her—”
“Zoe,” I snapped, running both my hands over my face. She flinched, stepping away from me, and I instantly felt like shit. “I’m sorry, I…I don’t want to talk about it. It’s over. It’s so over.” Obliterated, smashed, broken, scarred, humiliated. I was all of those things right now.
“Do you want me to stay with you tonight?” she asked, reaching out for my hand.
“No.” I shook my head, sinking back. “I just need some alone time.” The notion was so out of character for me she gave me ‘the look.’ I wasn’t fooling anyone.
“Okay.” She stood on her tiptoes and kissed me on the cheek. “But first, burgers.”
“Big fucking greasy burgers.”
Chapter 11
&
nbsp; Dee
The one thing I didn’t want to do was say goodbye to Zoe.
In the whole time I’d known her, we’d probably spent one or two days apart at a time. I was twenty-five years old. I had to grow up a little. I was capable of looking after myself…wasn’t I?
I stood on the footpath across the street from the hotel helping Will load their rental car with their luggage. They didn’t really have much, a suitcase each and Zoe’s guitar because like me, she couldn’t go anywhere without it.
“Thanks, Dee,” Will said, closing the boot. He grinned when he saw Zoe sidle up to me, and without another word, he got into the car to give us a minute. It took him a while to get the thing we had, but I would never ever come between them.
I reached up and tucked Zoe’s wild hair behind her ear. “Gonna miss you, hot legs.”
“Have you decided what you’re gonna do?” she asked, bouncing on the balls of her feet.
I’d thought about it the night before. They were going on their own road trip, so maybe I should do my own version. The kind where I just started driving with no destination in mind. You know, see where the asphalt took me. “I’m going for a long drive into the sunset.”
“A road trip?” she exclaimed.
“Why not?”
“On your own? Is that a good idea? Aren’t there billions of crazy people out in backwater America?”
“I’ll be fine, Zo. I’m not going to let anyone do a Deliverance on me. I seriously doubt I’ll be going anywhere off a main highway.”
She bit her lip, a frown creasing her forehead. “I worry about you, you know.”
“I know you do.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to come with us for a few days?”
“I’m sure, Zo. This is your time with Will. Hell, you’ve been looking forward to this for ages. I’m not gonna rain on your parade.”
“I don’t mind you being there.”
“Zo, it’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. I just need a little time on my own. That’s all.”
She smiled thinly.
“I have to get out of LA first.” I groaned, thinking about the crazy traffic.
“You know, I’m kinda terrified about driving on the opposite side of the road. I’m making Will drive.”
“And the opposite side of the car,” I added.
“Weird, right?”
“It’s different.”
“You’ll be okay, though?”
“I’ll call you every few days so you know I’m not dead in a ditch somewhere.”
She slapped me on the arm, making my skin smart. “Promise?”
“Cross my heart.”
“Hope to die.”
“Pins and needs in my eye.”
“Eat a horse…”
“Manure pie,” I declared, ending off the childish rhyme.
“How old are you?” she asked.
“Old enough to know better and young enough to keep doing it.”
“Don’t go all Thelma and Louise on me.”
“In your dreams, hot legs.”
“Now, that would be a dream…” she said suggestively.
“You’re not picturing me and Will tearing up the highway and terrorizing truckers are you?”
“You bet your sweet cheeks I am.”
“Zoe.”
“I’m gonna miss you, Dee Dee.” She threw her arms around my neck, burying her face against my shoulder.
I wrapped my arms around her waist and breathed in her familiar scent. Kissing her hair, I said, “I’m gonna miss you, too.” Like she wouldn’t believe.
Her tattoo was of honeysuckle and butterflies. I never asked if it meant anything.
I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror and wondered what I’d been wondering the past two days. What was so wrong with me? Maybe that was what I was meant to find out. These quarter life crisis’s and epic road trips were all about that crap, right? Finding yourself among the pile of shit that the universe molded you into.
The world wanted me to be a foulmouthed, bad boy rock star that slept with a different girl every night. The idea didn’t seem feasible. Not for the things I wanted, and definitely not after the night I’d spent with Jessie. That would be seared into my mind and body for the rest of my life.
I cleared out the rest of the hotel room, cramming clothes into my oversized duffel bag. It was time to get outta Dodge and start looking forward. At least, that was what I was trying to convince myself.
Movies, books…stories about love and happiness, they taught you that if you suffer enough, then it’ll all work out in the end. But I’d never known suffering. I wasn’t sure how much was too much. And besides, it wasn’t going to end happily for me. Not with Jessie. I needed to find my happy place again. I’d strayed from the path and got lost in the woods.
Step one. Check out of the Heartbreak Hotel.
Step two. Find the nearest rental joint and blow this popcorn stand to smithereens.
Downstairs, the woman at the counter checked me out and directed me two blocks down to a rental company that the concierge recommended. Slinging my heavy bag on my back and wrapping my hand around the handle on my guitar case, I pushed through the front doors out into the sunshine, determined to get gone.
The rental office was empty save for a woman behind the desk.
Dumping my bag in the corner and sitting my guitar case against the wall, she eyed me with interest. I knew that look. It was one that I often got and usually played up to but not today.
“How can I help you?” She smiled brightly, flipping her obviously unnatural red hair over her shoulder.
“I wanna rent a car.”
“Certainly. Any preference?” She gestured toward my stuff.
“Something with a large boot so I can put my guitar back there.”
She cocked her head, confused. “Boot?”
“Trunk, I mean trunk.” If it weren’t already enough that I’d had to explain every word that came out of my mouth, I would probably have to forget everything I ever knew about driving if I was going to get out of LA alive and without an excess charge on my credit card.
“Sure, we have a compact four-wheel drive…”
“Sure.”
“How long do you need…”
“A month.” I guess if I needed more, then I could just rent another.
“Where will you be returning the vehicle?”
Shit. Didn’t know that, either. Some great plan this was.
The clerk preempted my answer. “That’s fine. I can just put it in as our office here in LA, and if you need to change it, just give us a call.” She smiled at me in a way that was more than customer friendly.
“Sure. Whatever.” As long as the end of this conversation ended with car keys in my hand, I didn’t care.
The longer I stood there and the longer this obviously nice woman tried to hit on me, the more my heart sank into the hole that Zoe had tried so hard to pull me out of.
The woman took my driver’s license and tapped a few things into her computer, and then I was signing on the dotted line.
I stared at the set of keys in my hand and hardly listened as she rattled off a list, which I assumed was the terms and conditions. Damage and liability. Living life was a liability, but they didn’t charge your credit card the excess for that.
“Sir?” The clerk was waving a piece of paper under my nose.
“Thanks.” I took the paperwork, and it wasn’t until I was out the door and in the parking garage that I realized she’d written her phone number across the top. Estelle. There goes the world and its preconceived notions again.
An image of Jessie flashed in my mind, and I could almost feel her lips on mine. Cursing, I shook my head and stormed up the line of parked cars, pressing the button on the fob. Orange lights flashed a few spaces up, and I opened the boot, stashing my stuff.
I’d thought about which way to go—of course, I had. The obvious choice would be to go to Las Vegas, but that was where Will and Zoe had
gone. Following them wouldn’t be a good idea. I could go to Flagstaff, then to the Grand Canyon on the less touristy side. I didn’t want bright lights. I wanted stars and silence for a change.
Out of habit, I went for the right-hand side of the car but circled around to the left with a curse. This was going to be fun. Capital fucking F.
It was two days later that I pulled into a quiet lookout on the edge of the Grand Canyon.
Just me, the wind, the sky, and the plummeting depths.
I’d lost count how many times I’d turned on windscreen wipers instead of the indicator and went to get in on the right-hand side. I hesitated at every left-hand turn and weird-ass traffic light and had been honked at more times than I knew was possible.
Out of the city and into the wilderness, I’d had the freedom to work it out. The driving, I mean. Everything else was still royally screwed up. It was just me, the road, and the silence, which I filled with blaring whatever random song that came up on my iPod. I really wasn’t doing anything to get over Jessie. I was just filling the void with distractions because if I didn’t think about her, eventually, she would be forgotten. Except, every time I closed my eyes, I would see her face. Her perfect brown eyes, her perfect lips, and the problem was, I still wanted her.
I’d driven down the coast a little toward San Diego before circling back the next day to hit the city of Flagstaff, Arizona. Beaches didn’t do it for me anymore. I had plenty of daylight hours left to drive up to Grand Canyon Village and check out some of the viewing points. No one seemed to park at the stop I’d chosen, probably opting for whatever was back at the Village or further ahead. The sun was starting to dip, casting long shadows along the rock.
Kicking open the car door, I walked over to the barrier and stared over the edge of the cliff that plummeted down and down into nothing but jagged rock. I should be amazed, right? My breath should be taken away by the sight of one of the natural wonders of the world, but I felt nothing. It was great and amazing and all of that, but there was no one there to share it with. The sky stretched above me, open and empty, and the canyon stretched below me, a void of space and rock etched with millions of years of natural history. Open and empty was exactly the way I felt right now, and I had no idea how to deal with it.