The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works
Page 159
There’s villainous news abroad: here was Sir John
Bracy from your father; you must to the court in the
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morning. That same mad fellow of the north, Percy,
and he of Wales that gave Amamon the bastinado, and
made Lucifer cuckold, and swore the devil his true
liegeman upon the cross of a Welsh hook – what a
plague call you him?
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POINS O, Glendower.
FALSTAFF Owen, Owen, the same; and his son-in-law
Mortimer, and old Northumberland, and that
sprightly Scot of Scots, Douglas, that runs a-
horseback up a hill perpendicular –
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PRINCE He that rides at high speed, and with his pistol
kills a sparrow flying.
FALSTAFF You have hit it.
PRINCE So did he never the sparrow.
FALSTAFF Well, that rascal hath good mettle in him, he
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will not run.
PRINCE Why, what a rascal art thou then, to praise him
so for running!
FALSTAFF A-horseback, ye cuckoo, but afoot he will not
budge a foot.
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PRINCE Yes, Jack, upon instinct.
FALSTAFF I grant ye, upon instinct: well, he is there too,
and one Mordake, and a thousand blue-caps more.
Worcester is stolen away tonight; thy father’s beard is
turned white with the news; you may buy land now as
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cheap as stinking mackerel.
PRINCE Why then, it is like if there come a hot June, and
this civil buffeting hold, we shall buy maidenheads as
they buy hob-nails, by the hundreds.
FALSTAFF By the mass, lad, thou sayest true, it is like we
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shall have good trading that way. But tell me, Hal, art
not thou horrible afeard? Thou being heir apparent,
could the world pick thee out three such enemies
again, as that fiend Douglas, that spirit Percy, and that
devil Glendower? Art thou not horribly afraid? Doth
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not thy blood thrill at it?
PRINCE Not a whit, i’faith, I lack some of thy instinct.
FALSTAFF Well, thou wilt be horribly chid tomorrow
when thou comest to thy father; if thou love me
practise an answer.
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PRINCE Do thou stand for my father and examine me
upon the particulars of my life.
FALSTAFF Shall I? Content! This chair shall be my
state, this dagger my sceptre, and this cushion my
crown.
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PRINCE Thy state is taken for a joint-stool, thy golden
sceptre for a leaden dagger, and thy precious rich
crown for a pitiful bald crown.
FALSTAFF Well, and the fire of grace be not quite out of
thee, now shalt thou be moved. Give me a cup of sack
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to make my eyes look red, that it may be thought I
have wept, for I must speak in passion, and I will do it
in King Cambyses’ vein.
PRINCE Well, here is my leg.
FALSTAFF And here is my speech. Stand aside, nobility.
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HOSTESS O Jesu, this is excellent sport, i’faith.
FALSTAFF
Weep not, sweet Queen, for trickling tears are vain.
HOSTESS O the Father, how he holds his countenance!
FALSTAFF
For God’s sake, lords, convey my tristful Queen,
For tears do stop the floodgates of her eyes.
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HOSTESS O Jesu, he doth it as like one of these harlotry
players as ever I see!
FALSTAFF Peace, good pint-pot, peace, good tickle-
brain. – Harry, I do not only marvel where thou
spendest thy time, but also how thou art accompanied.
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For though the camomile, the more it is trodden on
the faster it grows, yet youth, the more it is wasted the
sooner it wears. That thou art my son I have partly thy
mother’s word, partly my own opinion, but chiefly a
villainous trick of thine eye, and a foolish hanging of
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thy nether lip, that doth warrant me. If then thou be
son to me, here lies the point – why, being son to me,
art thou so pointed at? Shall the blessed sun of heaven
prove a micher, and eat blackberries? A question not to
be asked. Shall the son of England prove a thief, and
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take purses? A question to be asked. There is a thing,
Harry, which thou hast often heard of, and it is known
to many in our land by the name of pitch. This pitch
(as ancient writers do report) doth defile, so doth the
company thou keepest: for, Harry, now I do not speak
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to thee in drink, but in tears; not in pleasure, but in
passion; not in words only, but in woes also. And yet
there is a virtuous man whom I have often noted in thy
company, but I know not his name.
PRINCE What manner of man, and it like your Majesty?
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FALSTAFF A goodly portly man, i’faith, and a corpulent;
of a cheerful look, a pleasing eye, and a most noble
carriage; and, as I think, his age some fifty, or by’r lady
inclining to threescore; and now I remember me, his
name is Falstaff. If that man should be lewdly given,
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he deceiveth me; for, Harry, I see virtue in his looks. If
then the tree may be known by the fruit, as the fruit by
the tree, then peremptorily I speak it, there is virtue in
that Falstaff; him keep with, the rest banish. And tell
me now, thou naughty varlet, tell me where hast thou
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been this month?
PRINCE Dost thou speak like a king? Do thou stand for
me, and I’ll play my father.
FALSTAFF Depose me? If thou dost it half so gravely, so
majestically, both in word and matter, hang me up by
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the heels for a rabbit-sucker, or a poulter’s hare.
PRINCE Well, here I am set.
FALSTAFF And here I stand. Judge, my masters.
PRINCE Now, Harry, whence come you?
FALSTAFF My noble lord, from Eastcheap.
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PRINCE The complaints I hear of thee are grievous.
FALSTAFF ‘Sblood, my lord, they are false: nay, I’ll
tickle ye for a young prince, i’faith.
PRINCE Swearest thou, ungracious boy? Henceforth
ne’er look on me. Thou art violently carried away
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from grace, there is a devil haunts thee in the likeness
of an old fat man, a tun of man is thy companion. Why
dost thou converse with that trunk of humours, that
bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of
dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed
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cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with
the pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that grey
iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years?
Wherein is he good, but to taste sack and drink it?
wherein neat and cleanly, but to carve a capon and eat
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it? wherein cunning, but in craft? wherein crafty, but
in villainy? wherein villainous, but in all things?
wherein worthy, but in nothing?
FALSTAFF I
would your Grace would take me with you:
whom means your Grace?
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PRINCE That villainous abominable misleader of youth,
Falstaff, that old white-bearded Satan.
FALSTAFF My lord, the man I know.
PRINCE I know thou dost.
FALSTAFF But to say I know more harm in him than in
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myself were to say more than I know. That he is old,
the more the pity, his white hairs do witness it, but
that he is, saving your reverence, a whoremaster, that I
utterly deny. If sack and sugar be a fault, God help the
wicked! If to be old and merry be a sin, then many an
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old host that I know is damned: if to be fat be to be
hated, then Pharaoh’s lean kine are to be loved. No,
my good lord; banish Peto, banish Bardolph, banish
Poins – but for sweet Jack Falstaff, kind Jack Falstaff,
true Jack Falstaff, valiant Jack Falstaff, and therefore
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more valiant, being as he is old Jack Falstaff, banish
not him thy Harry’s company, banish not him thy
Harry’s company, banish plump Jack, and banish all
the world.
PRINCE I do, I will.
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[A knocking heard.]
Exeunt Hostess, Francis and Bardolph.
Re-enter BARDOLPH, running.
BARDOLPH O my lord, my lord, the sheriff with a most
monstrous watch is at the door.
FALSTAFF Out, ye rogue! Play out the play! I have much
to say in the behalf of that Falstaff.
Re-enter the Hostess.
HOSTESS O Jesu, my lord, my lord!
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PRINCE Heigh, heigh, the devil rides upon a fiddle-
stick, what’s the matter?
HOSTESS The sheriff and all the watch are at the door;
they are come to search the house. Shall I let them in?
FALSTAFF Dost thou hear, Hal? Never call a true piece
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of gold a counterfeit: thou art essentially made without
seeming so.
PRINCE And thou a natural coward without instinct.
FALSTAFF I deny your major. If you will deny the
sheriff, so; if not, let him enter. If I become not a cart
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as well as another man, a plague on my bringing up! I
hope I shall as soon be strangled with a halter as
another.
PRINCE Go hide thee behind the arras, the rest walk up
above. Now, my masters, for a true face, and good
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conscience.
FALSTAFF Both which I have had, but their date is out,
and therefore I’ll hide me.
Exeunt all but the Prince and Peto.
PRINCE Call in the sheriff.
Enter Sheriff and the Carrier.
Now, master sheriff, what is your will with me?
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SHERIFF First, pardon me, my lord. A hue and cry
Hath follow’d certain men unto this house.
PRINCE What men?
SHERIFF One of them is well known, my gracious lord,
A gross fat man.
1 CARRIER As fat as butter.
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PRINCE The man I do assure you is not here,
For I myself at this time have employ’d him:
And sheriff, I will engage my word to thee,
That I will by tomorrow dinner-time
Send him to answer thee, or any man,
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For anything he shall be charg’d withal;
And so let me entreat you leave the house.
SHERIFF I will, my lord: there are two gentlemen
Have in this robbery lost three hundred marks.
PRINCE It may be so: if he have robb’d these men
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He shall be answerable; and so, farewell.
SHERIFF Good night, my noble lord.
PRINCE I think it is good morrow, is it not?
SHERIFF Indeed, my lord, I think it be two o’clock.
Exit, with Carrier.
PRINCE This oily rascal is known as well as Paul’s: go
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call him forth.
PETO Falstaff! – Fast asleep behind the arras, and
snorting like a horse.
PRINCE Hark how hard he fetches breath – search his
pockets. [He searcheth his pockets, and findeth certain
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papers.] What hast thou found?
PETO Nothing but papers, my lord.
PRINCE Let’s see what they be, read them.
PETO [Reads.]
Item a capon … 2s. 2d.
Item sauce … .4d.
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Item sack two gallons. .5s. 8d.
Item anchovies and sack after supper 2s. 6d.
Item bread … .ob.
PRINCE O monstrous! but one halfpennyworth of bread