The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works
Page 171
dinner to the Lubber’s Head in Lumbert Street to
Master Smooth’s the silkman. I pray you, since my
exion is entered, and my case so openly known to the
world, let him be brought in to his answer. A hundred
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mark is a long one for a poor lone woman to bear, and
I have borne, and borne, and borne, and have been
fubbed off, and fubbed off, and fubbed off, from this
day to that day, that it is a shame to be thought on.
There is no honesty in such dealing, unless a woman
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should be made an ass, and a beast, to bear every
knave’s wrong.
Enter FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH and Page.
Yonder he comes, and that arrant malmsey-nose knave
Bardolph with him. Do your offices, do your offices,
Master Fang and Master Snare, do me, do me, do me
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your offices.
FALSTAFF How now, whose mare’s dead? What’s the
matter?
FANG Sir John, I arrest you at the suit of Mistress
Quickly.
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FALSTAFF Away, varlets! Draw, Bardolph! Cut me off
the villain’s head! Throw the quean in the channel!
HOSTESS Throw me in the channel? I’ll throw thee in
the channel. Wilt thou, wilt thou, thou bastardly
rogue? Murder! Murder! Ah, thou honeysuckle
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villain, wilt thou kill God’s officers and the King’s?
Ah, thou honeyseed rogue! thou art a honeyseed, a
man queller, and a woman queller.
FALSTAFF Keep them off, Bardolph!
FANG A rescue! A rescue!
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HOSTESS Good people, bring a rescue or two. Thou
wot, wot thou, thou wot, wot ta? Do, do, thou rogue!
Do, thou hempseed!
PAGE Away, you scullion! you rampallian! you
fustilarian! I’ll tickle your catastrophe!
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Enter Lord Chief Justice and his men.
CHIEF JUSTICE What is the matter? Keep the peace
here, ho!
HOSTESS Good my lord, be good to me, I beseech you
stand to me.
CHIEF JUSTICE
How now, Sir John? What are you brawling here?
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Doth this become your place, your time, and business?
You should have been well on your way to York.
Stand from him, fellow, wherefore hang’st thou upon
him?
HOSTESS O my most worshipful lord, and’t please your
Grace, I am a poor widow of Eastcheap, and he is
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arrested at my suit.
CHIEF JUSTICE For what sum?
HOSTESS It is more than for some, my lord, it is for all I
have. He hath eaten me out of house and home, he
hath put all my substance into that fat belly of his: but
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I will have some of it out again, or I will ride thee a-
nights like the mare.
FALSTAFF I think I am as like to ride the mare if I have
any vantage of ground to get up.
CHIEF JUSTICE How comes this, Sir John? Fie! what
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man of good temper would endure this tempest of
exclamation? Are you not ashamed to enforce a poor
widow to so rough a course to come by her own?
FALSTAFF What is the gross sum that I owe thee?
HOSTESS Marry, if thou wert an honest man, thyself
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and the money too. Thou didst swear to me upon a
parcelgilt goblet, sitting in my Dolphin chamber, at
the round table, by a sea-coal fire, upon Wednesday in
Wheeson week, when the Prince broke thy head for
liking his father to a singing-man of Windsor – thou
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didst swear to me then, as I was washing thy wound,
to marry me, and make me my lady thy wife. Canst
thou deny it? Did not goodwife Keech the butcher’s
wife come in then and call me gossip Quickly? –
coming in to borrow a mess of vinegar, telling us she
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had a good dish of prawns, whereby thou didst desire
to eat some, whereby I told thee they were ill for a
green wound? And didst thou not, when she was gone
downstairs, desire me to be no more so familiarity with
such poor people, saying that ere long they should call
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me madam? And didst thou not kiss me, and bid me
fetch thee thirty shillings? I put thee now to thy book
oath, deny it if thou canst.
FALSTAFF My lord, this is a poor mad soul, and she says
up and down the town that her eldest son is like you.
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She hath been in good case, and the truth is, poverty
hath distracted her. But for these foolish officers, I
beseech you I may have redress against them.
CHIEF JUSTICE Sir John, Sir John, I am well acquainted
with your manner of wrenching the true cause the
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false way. It is not a confident brow, nor the throng of
words that come with such more than impudent
sauciness from you, can thrust me from a level
consideration. You have, as it appears to me, practised
upon the easy-yielding spirit of this woman, and made
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her serve your uses both in purse and in person.
HOSTESS Yea, in truth, my lord.
CHIEF JUSTICE Pray thee, peace. Pay her the debt you
owe her, and unpay the villainy you have done with
her; the one you may do with sterling money, and the
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other with current repentance.
FALSTAFF My lord, I will not undergo this sneap
without reply. You call honourable boldness impudent
sauciness; if a man will make curtsy and say nothing,
he is virtuous. No, my lord, my humble duty
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remembered, I will not be your suitor. I say to you I do
desire deliverance from these officers, being upon
hasty employment in the King’s affairs.
CHIEF JUSTICE You speak as having power to do wrong;
but answer in th’effect of your reputation, and satisfy
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the poor woman.
FALSTAFF Come hither, hostess. [Takes her aside.]
Enter GOWER.
CHIEF JUSTICE Now, Master Gower, what news?
GOWER The King, my lord, and Harry Prince of Wales
Are near at hand: the rest the paper tells.
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[Gives a letter.]
FALSTAFF As I am a gentleman!
HOSTESS Faith, you said so before.
FALSTAFF As I am a gentleman! Come, no more words
of it.
HOSTESS By this heavenly ground I tread on, I must be
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fain to pawn both my plate and the tapestry of my
dining-chambers.
FALSTAFF Glasses, glasses, is the only drinking; and for
thy walls, a pretty slight drollery, or the story of the
Prodigal, or the German hunting, in waterwork, is
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worth a thousand of these bed-hangers and these fly-
bitten tapestries. Let it be ten pound if thou canst.
Come, and ’twere not for thy humours, there’s not a
better wench in England. Go, wash thy face, and draw
the action. Come, thou must not be in this humour
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with me, dost not know me? Come, come, I know thou
wast set on to
this.
HOSTESS Pray thee, Sir John, let it be but twenty
nobles; i’faith, I am loath to pawn my plate, so God
save me, la!
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FALSTAFF Let it alone, I’ll make other shift: you’ll be a
fool still.
HOSTESS Well, you shall have it, though I pawn my
gown. I hope you’ll come to supper. You’ll pay me all
together?
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FALSTAFF Will I live? [to Bardolph] Go, with her, with
her! Hook on, hook on!
HOSTESS Will you have Doll Tearsheet meet you at
supper?
FALSTAFF No more words, let’s have her.
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Exeunt Hostess, Fang, Snare, Bardolph and Page.
CHIEF JUSTICE I have heard better news.
FALSTAFF What’s the news, my lord?
CHIEF JUSTICE Where lay the King tonight?
GOWER At Basingstoke, my lord.
FALSTAFF I hope, my lord, all’s well. What is the news,
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my lord?
CHIEF JUSTICE Come all his forces back?
GOWER No, fifteen hundred foot, five hundred horse
Are march’d up to my Lord of Lancaster,
Against Northumberland and the Archbishop.
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FALSTAFF Comes the King back from Wales, my noble
lord?
CHIEF JUSTICE You shall have letters of me presently.
Come, go along with me, good Master Gower.
FALSTAFF My lord!
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CHIEF JUSTICE What’s the matter?
FALSTAFF Master Gower, shall I entreat you with me to
dinner?
GOWER I must wait upon my good lord here, I thank
you, good Sir John.
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CHIEF JUSTICE Sir John, you loiter here too long, being
you are to take soldiers up in counties as you go.
FALSTAFF Will you sup with me, Master Gower?
CHIEF JUSTICE What foolish master taught you these
manners, Sir John?
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FALSTAFF Master Gower, if they become me not, he
was a fool that taught them me. This is the right
fencing grace, my lord; tap for tap, and so part fair.
CHIEF JUSTICE Now the Lord lighten thee, thou art a
great fool. Exeunt.
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2.2 Enter PRINCE HENRY and POINS.
PRINCE Before God, I am exceeding weary.
POINS Is’t come to that? I had thought weariness durst
not have attached one of so high blood.
PRINCE Faith, it does me, though it discolours the
complexion of my greatness to acknowledge it. Doth it
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not show vilely in me to desire small beer?
POINS Why, a prince should not be so loosely studied as
to remember so weak a composition.
PRINCE Belike then my appetite was not princely got,
for, by my troth, I do now remember the poor creature
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small beer. But indeed, these humble considerations
make me out of love with my greatness. What a
disgrace is it to me to remember thy name! or to know
thy face tomorrow! or to take note how many pair
of silk stockings thou hast – viz. these, and those that
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were thy peach-coloured ones! or to bear the inventory
of thy shirts – as, one for superfluity, and another
for use! But that the tennis-court keeper knows
better than I, for it is a low ebb of linen with thee
when thou keepest not racket there; as thou hast not
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done a great while, because the rest of thy low
countries have made a shift to eat up thy holland. And
God knows whether those that bawl out the ruins of
thy linen shall inherit his kingdom: but the midwives
say the children are not in the fault; whereupon
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the world increases, and kindreds are mightily
strengthened.
POINS How ill it follows, after you have laboured so
hard, you should talk so idly! Tell me, how many good
young princes would do so, their fathers being so sick
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as yours at this time is.
PRINCE Shall I tell thee one thing, Poins?
POINS Yes, faith, and let it be an excellent good thing.
PRINCE It shall serve, among wits of no higher breeding
than thine.
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POINS Go to, I stand the push of your one thing that you
will tell.
PRINCE Marry, I tell thee it is not meet that I should be
sad now my father is sick; albeit I could tell to thee, as
to one it pleases me for fault of a better to call my
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friend, I could be sad, and sad indeed too.