The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works
Page 356
DUKE O heavens, what stuff is here!
POMPEY ’Twas never merry world since, of two usuries,
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the merriest was put down, and the worser allowed by
order of law; a furred gown to keep him warm; and
furred with fox on lambskins too, to signify that craft,
being richer than innocency, stands for the facing.
ELBOW Come your way, sir. – Bless you, good father
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friar.
DUKE And you, good brother father. What offence hath
this man made you, sir?
ELBOW Marry, sir, he hath offended the law; and, sir, we
take him to be a thief too, sir: for we have found upon
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him, sir, a strange pick-lock, which we have sent to the
deputy.
DUKE Fie, sirrah, a bawd, a wicked bawd;
The evil that thou causest to be done,
That is thy means to live. Do thou but think
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What ’tis to cram a maw or clothe a back
From such a filthy vice. Say to thyself,
From their abominable and beastly touches
I drink, I eat, array myself, and live.
Canst thou believe thy living is a life,
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So stinkingly depending? Go mend, go mend.
POMPEY
Indeed it does stink in some sort, sir. But yet, sir,
would prove –
DUKE Nay, if the devil have given thee proofs for sin,
Thou wilt prove his. Take him to prison, officer:
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Correction and instruction must both work
Ere this rude beast will profit.
ELBOW He must before the deputy, sir; he has given him
warning. The deputy cannot abide a whoremaster. If
he be a whoremonger and comes before him, he were
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as good go a mile on his errand.
DUKE That we were all, as some would seem to be,
From our faults, as faults from seeming, free!
ELBOW His neck will come to your waist – a cord, sir.
Enter LUCIO.
POMPEY I spy comfort, I cry bail! Here’s a gentleman,
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and a friend of mine.
LUCIO How now, noble Pompey! What, at the wheels of
Caesar? Art thou led in triumph? What, is there none
of Pygmalion’s images newly made woman to be had
now, for putting the hand in the pocket and extracting
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clutched? What reply, ha? What say’st thou to this
tune, matter and method? Is’t not drowned i’th’ last
rain? Ha? What say’st thou, trot? Is the world as it was,
man? Which is the way? Is it sad, and few words? Or
how? The trick of it?
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DUKE Still thus, and thus: still worse!
LUCIO How doth my dear morsel, thy mistress?
Procures she still, ha?
POMPEY Troth, sir, she hath eaten up all her beef, and
she is herself in the tub.
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LUCIO Why, ’tis good: it is the right of it: it must be so.
Ever your fresh whore, and your powdered bawd; an
unshunned consequence; it must be so. Art going to
prison, Pompey?
POMPEY Yes, faith, sir.
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LUCIO Why, ’tis not amiss, Pompey. Farewell: go, say I
sent thee thither. – For debt, Pompey, or how?
POMPEY For being a bawd, for being a bawd.
LUCIO Well, then, imprison him. If imprisonment be
the due of a bawd, why, ’tis his right. Bawd is he
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doubtless, and of antiquity, too: bawd born. Farewell,
good Pompey. Commend me to the prison, Pompey;
you will turn good husband now, Pompey; you will
keep the house.
POMPEY I hope, sir, your good worship will be my bail?
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LUCIO No, indeed will I not, Pompey; it is not the wear.
I will pray, Pompey, to increase your bondage; if you
take it not patiently, why, your mettle is the more!
Adieu, trusty Pompey. – Bless you, friar.
DUKE And you.
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LUCIO Does Bridget paint still, Pompey? Ha?
ELBOW [to Pompey] Come your ways, sir, come.
POMPEY You will not bail me then, sir?
LUCIO Then, Pompey, nor now. – What news abroad,
friar? What news?
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ELBOW [to Pompey] Come your ways, sir, come.
LUCIO Go to kennel, Pompey, go.
Exeunt Elbow and officers with Pompey.
What news, friar, of the Duke?
DUKE I know none: can you tell me of any?
LUCIO Some say he is with the Emperor of Russia; other
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some, he is in Rome: but where is he, think you?
DUKE I know not where: but wheresoever, I wish him well.
LUCIO It was a mad, fantastical trick of him to steal
from the state and usurp the beggary he was never
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born to. Lord Angelo dukes it well in his absence: he
puts transgression to’t.
DUKE He does well in’t.
LUCIO A little more lenity to lechery would do no harm
in him. Something too crabbed that way, friar.
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DUKE It is too general a vice, and severity must cure it.
LUCIO Yes, in good sooth, the vice is of a great kindred;
it is well allied; but it is impossible to extirp it quite,
friar, till eating and drinking be put down. – They say
this Angelo was not made by man and woman, after
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this downright way of creation: is it true, think you?
DUKE How should he be made, then?
LUCIO Some report, a sea-maid spawned him. Some,
that he was begot between two stockfishes. But it is
certain that when he makes water, his urine is
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congealed ice; that I know to be true. And he is a
motion ungenerative; that’s infallible.
DUKE You are pleasant, sir, and speak apace.
LUCIO Why, what a ruthless thing is this in him, for the
rebellion of a codpiece to take away the life of a man!
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Would the Duke that is absent have done this? Ere he
would have hanged a man for the getting a hundred
bastards, he would have paid for the nursing a
thousand. He had some feeling of the sport; he knew
the service; and that instructed him to mercy.
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DUKE I have never heard the absent Duke much
detected for women; he was not inclined that way.
LUCIO O sir, you are deceived.
DUKE ’Tis not possible.
LUCIO Who, not the Duke? Yes, your beggar of fifty;
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and his use was to put a ducat in her clack-dish; the
Duke had crotchets in him. He would be drunk too,
that let me inform you.
DUKE You do him wrong, surely.
LUCIO Sir, I was an inward of his. A shy fellow was the
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Duke; and I believe I know the cause of his
withdrawing.
DUKE What, I prithee, might be the cause?
LUCIO No, pardon: ’tis a secret must be locked within
the teeth and the lips. But this I can let you
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understand: the greater file of the subject held the
Duke to be wise.
DUKE Wise? Why, no question but he was.
LUCIO A very superficial, ignorant, unweighing fell
ow –
DUKE Either this is envy in you, folly, or mistaking. The
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very stream of his life, and the business he hath
helmed, must upon a warranted need give him a better
proclamation. Let him be but testimonied in his own
bringings-forth, and he shall appear to the envious a
scholar, a statesman, and a soldier. Therefore you
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speak unskilfully: or, if your knowledge be more, it is
much darkened in your malice.
LUCIO Sir, I know him and I love him.
DUKE Love talks with better knowledge, and knowledge
with dearer love.
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LUCIO Come, sir, I know what I know.
DUKE I can hardly believe that, since you know not
what you speak. But if ever the Duke return – as our
prayers are he may – let me desire you to make your
answer before him. If it be honest you have spoke, you
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have courage to maintain it; I am bound to call upon
you, and I pray you your name.
LUCIO Sir, my name is Lucio, well known to the Duke.
DUKE He shall know you better, sir, if I may live to report you.
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LUCIO I fear you not.
DUKE O, you hope the Duke will return no more; or
you imagine me too unhurtful an opposite. But
indeed, I can do you little harm. You’ll forswear this
again?
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LUCIO I’ll be hanged first. Thou art deceived in me,
friar. But no more of this. – Canst thou tell if Claudio
die tomorrow, or no?
DUKE Why should he die, sir?
LUCIO Why? For filling a bottle with a tun-dish. I
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would the Duke we talk of were returned again: this
ungenitured agent will unpeople the province with
continency. Sparrows must not build in his house-
eaves, because they are lecherous. – The Duke yet
would have dark deeds darkly answered: he would
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never bring them to light: would he were returned!
Marry, this Claudio is condemned for untrussing. –
Farewell, good friar, I prithee pray for me. The Duke,
I say to thee again, would eat mutton on Fridays. He’s
now past it; yet, and I say to thee, he would mouth
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with a beggar though she smelt brown bread and
garlic, say that I said so. Farewell. Exit.
DUKE No might nor greatness in mortality
Can censure ‘scape. Back-wounding calumny
The whitest virtue strikes. What king so strong
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Can tie the gall up in the slanderous tongue?
But who comes here?
Enter severally ESCALUS, Provost and officers with
MISTRESS OVERDONE.
ESCALUS Go, away with her to prison.
MISTRESS OVERDONE Good my lord, be good to me.
Your honour is accounted a merciful man. Good my
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lord.
ESCALUS Double and treble admonition, and still forfeit
in the same kind! This would make mercy swear and
play the tyrant.
PROVOST A bawd of eleven years’ continuance, may it
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please your honour.
MISTRESS OVERDONE My lord, this is one Lucio’s
information against me, Mistress Kate Keep-down
was with child by him in the Duke’s time, he promised
her marriage. His child is a year and a quarter old
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come Philip and Jacob. I have kept it myself; and see
how he goes about to abuse me.
ESCALUS That fellow is a fellow of much license. Let
him be called before us. Away with her to prison. – Go
to, no more words.
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Exeunt officers with Mistress Overdone.
Provost, my brother Angelo will not be altered;
Claudio must die tomorrow. Let him be furnished
with divines, and have all charitable preparation. If my
brother wrought by my pity, it should not be so with
him.
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PROVOST So please you, this friar hath been with him,
and advised him for th’entertainment of death.
ESCALUS Good even, good father.
DUKE Bliss and goodness on you!
ESCALUS Of whence are you?
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DUKE Not of this country, though my chance is now
To use it for my time. I am a brother
Of gracious order, late come from the See
In special business from his Holiness.
ESCALUS What news abroad i’th’ world?
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DUKE None, but that there is so great a fever on
goodness that the dissolution of it must cure it.