The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works
Page 511
Whose life were ill bestowed, or death unfamed,
Where Helen is the subject. Then, I say,
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Well may we fight for her whom, we know well,
The world’s large spaces cannot parallel.
HECTOR Paris and Troilus, you have both said well
And on the cause and question now in hand
Have glozed – but superficially, not much
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Unlike young men, whom Aristotle thought
Unfit to hear moral philosophy.
The reasons you allege do more conduce
To the hot passion of distempered blood
Than to make up a free determination
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’Twixt right and wrong; for pleasure and revenge
Have ears more deaf than adders to the voice
Of any true decision. Nature craves
All dues be rendered to their owners. Now,
What nearer debt in all humanity
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Than wife is to the husband? If this law
Of nature be corrupted through affection,
And that great minds, of partial indulgence
To their benumbed wills, resist the same,
There is a law in each well-ordered nation
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To curb those raging appetites that are
Most disobedient and refractory.
If Helen then be wife to Sparta’s king,
As it is known she is, these moral laws
Of nature and of nations speak aloud
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To have her back returned. Thus to persist
In doing wrong extenuates not wrong,
But makes it much more heavy. Hector’s opinion
Is this in way of truth; yet, ne’ertheless,
My sprightly brethren, I propend to you
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In resolution to keep Helen still;
For ’tis a cause that hath no mean dependence
Upon our joint and several dignities.
TROILUS
Why, there you touched the life of our design!
Were it not glory that we more affected
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Than the performance of our heaving spleens,
I would not wish a drop of Trojan blood
Spent more in her defence. But, worthy Hector,
She is a theme of honour and renown,
A spur to valiant and magnanimous deeds,
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Whose present courage may beat down our foes
And fame in time to come canonize us.
For I presume brave Hector would not lose
So rich advantage of a promised glory
As smiles upon the forehead of this action
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For the wide world’s revenue.
HECTOR I am yours,
You valiant offspring of great Priamus.
I have a roisting challenge sent amongst
The dull and factious nobles of the Greeks
Will strike amazement to their drowsy spirits.
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I was advertised their great general slept,
Whilst emulation in the army crept.
This, I presume, will wake him. Exeunt.
2.3 Enter THERSITES, alone.
THERSITES How now, Thersites? What, lost in the
labyrinth of thy fury? Shall the elephant Ajax carry it
thus? He beats me, and I rail at him. O worthy
satisfaction! Would it were otherwise – that I could beat
him whilst he railed at me. ’Sfoot, I’ll learn to conjure
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and raise devils but I’ll see some issue of my spiteful
execrations. Then there’s Achilles – a rare engineer! If
Troy be not taken till these two undermine it, the walls
will stand till they fall of themselves. O thou great
thunder-darter of Olympus, forget that thou art Jove,
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the king of gods; and Mercury, lose all the serpentine
craft of thy caduceus, if ye take not that little, little, less
than little wit from them that they have! – which short-
armed ignorance itself knows is so abundant scarce it
will not in circumvention deliver a fly from a spider
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without drawing their massy irons and cutting the web.
After this, the vengeance on the whole camp! Or rather,
the Neapolitan bone-ache! For that, methinks, is the
curse dependent on those that war for a placket. I have
said my prayers, and devil Envy say ‘Amen’. – What ho!
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My Lord Achilles!
Enter PATROCLUS at the entrance of Achilles’ tent.
PATROCLUS Who’s there? Thersites? Good Thersites,
come in and rail. [Disappears briefly.]
THERSITES If I could ha’ remembered a gilt counterfeit,
thou wouldst not have slipped out of my contemplation;
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but it is no matter. Thyself upon thyself! The common
curse of mankind, folly and ignorance, be thine in great
revenue! Heaven bless thee from a tutor, and discipline
come not near thee! Let thy blood be thy direction till
thy death; then if she that lays thee out says thou art a
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fair corpse, I’ll be sworn and sworn upon’t she never
shrouded any but lazars.
PATROCLUS reappears.
Amen. – Where’s Achilles?
PATROCLUS What, art thou devout? Wast thou in
prayer?
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THERSITES Ay. The heavens hear me!
PATROCLUS Amen.
Enter ACHILLES.
ACHILLES Who’s there?
PATROCLUS Thersites, my lord.
ACHILLES Where? Where? O, where? – Art thou come?
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Why, my cheese, my digestion, why hast thou not
served thyself in to my table so many meals? Come,
what’s Agamemnon?
THERSITES Thy commander, Achilles. Then tell me,
Patroclus, what’s Achilles?
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PATROCLUS Thy lord, Thersites. Then tell me, I pray
thee, what’s thyself?
THERSITES Thy knower, Patroclus. Then tell me,
Patroclus, what art thou?
PATROCLUS Thou mayst tell that knowest.
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ACHILLES O, tell, tell.
THERSITES I’ll decline the whole question.
AGAMEMNON commands Achilles, Achilles is my lord,
I am Patroclus’ knower, and Patroclus is a fool.
PATROCLUS You rascal!
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THERSITES Peace, fool, I have not done.
ACHILLES He is a privileged man. – Proceed, Thersites.
THERSITES Agamemnon is a fool, Achilles is a fool,
Thersites is a fool, and, as aforesaid, Patroclus is a fool.
ACHILLES Derive this. Come.
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THERSITES Agamemnon is a fool to offer to command
ACHILLES, Achilles is a fool to be commanded of
AGAMEMNON, Thersites is a fool to serve such a fool,
and Patroclus is a fool positive.
PATROCLUS Why am I a fool?
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THERSITES Make that demand to the creator; it suffices
me thou art. Look you, who comes here?
Enter at a distance AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES, NESTOR, DIOMEDES, AJAX and CALCHAS.
ACHILLES Patroclus, I’ll speak with nobody. – Come in
with me, Thersites.
Exit.
THERSITES Here is such patchery, such juggling and
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such knavery! All the argument is a whore and a
cuckold; a good quarrel to draw emulous factions and
bleed to death upon. Now the dry serpigo on the
subject, and war and lechery confound all!
Exit.
AGAMEMNON [to Patroclus] Where is Achilles?
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PATROCLUS Within his tent, but ill-disposed, my lord.
AGAMEMNON Let it be known to him that we are here.
He shent our messengers, and we lay by
Our appertainments, visiting of him.
Let him be told so, lest perchance he think
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We dare not move the question of our place
Or know not what we are.
PATROCLUS I shall so say to him.
Exit.
ULYSSES We saw him at the opening of his tent.
He is not sick.
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AJAX Yes, lion-sick, sick of proud heart. You may call it
melancholy, if you will favour the man, but, by my
head, ’tis pride. But why, why? Let him show us the
cause. – A word, my lord. [Takes Agamemnon aside.]
NESTOR What moves Ajax thus to bay at him?
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ULYSSES Achilles hath inveigled his fool from him.
NESTOR Who? Thersites?
ULYSSES He.
NESTOR Then will Ajax lack matter, if he have lost his
argument.
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ULYSSES No. You see, he is his argument that has his
argument: Achilles.
NESTOR All the better; their fraction is more our wish
than their faction. But it was a strong composure a fool
could disunite.
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ULYSSES The amity that wisdom knits not, folly may
easily untie.
Enter PATROCLUS.
Here comes Patroclus.
NESTOR No Achilles with him.
ULYSSES
The elephant hath joints, but none for courtesy;
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His legs are legs for necessity, not for flexure.
PATROCLUS Achilles bids me say he is much sorry
If anything more than your sport and pleasure
Did move your greatness, and this noble state,
To call upon him; he hopes it is no other
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But for your health and your digestion sake,
An after-dinner’s breath.
AGAMEMNON Hear you, Patroclus:
We are too well acquainted with these answers;
But his evasion, winged thus swift with scorn,
Cannot outfly our apprehensions.
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Much attribute he hath, and much the reason
Why we ascribe it to him; yet all his virtues,
Not virtuously on his own part beheld,
Do in our eyes begin to lose their gloss,
Yea, like fair fruit in an unwholesome dish,
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Are like to rot untasted. Go and tell him
We come to speak with him. And you shall not sin
If you do say we think him over-proud
And under-honest, in self-assumption greater
Than in the note of judgement; and worthier than himself
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Here tend the savage strangeness he puts on,
Disguise the holy strength of their command,
And underwrite in an observing kind
His humorous predominance – yea, watch
His pettish lunes, his ebbs, his flows, as if
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The passage and whole carriage of this action
Rode on his tide. Go tell him this, and add
That if he overhold his price so much,
We’ll none of him, but let him, like an engine
Not portable, lie under this report:
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‘Bring action hither; this cannot go to war’.
A stirring dwarf we do allowance give
Before a sleeping giant. Tell him so.
PATROCLUS I shall, and bring his answer presently.
AGAMEMNON In second voice we’ll not be satisfied;
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We come to speak with him. – Ulysses, enter you.
Exit Ulysses following Patroclus.
AJAX What is he more than another?
AGAMEMNON No more than what he thinks he is.
AJAX Is he so much? Do you not think he thinks himself
a better man than I am?
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AGAMEMNON No question.
AJAX Will you subscribe his thought, and say he is?
AGAMEMNON No, noble Ajax. You are as strong, as
valiant, as wise, no less noble, much more gentle, and
altogether more tractable.
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AJAX Why should a man be proud? How doth pride
grow? I know not what pride is.
AGAMEMNON Your mind is the clearer, Ajax, and your
virtues the fairer. He that is proud eats up himself.
Pride is his own glass, his own trumpet, his own
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chronicle; and whatever praises itself but in the deed
devours the deed in the praise.
Enter ULYSSES.
AJAX I do hate a proud man as I hate the engendering of