The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works
Page 524
Therefore, good youth, address thy gait unto her,
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Be not denied access, stand at her doors,
And tell them, there thy fixed foot shall grow
Till thou have audience.
VIOLA Sure, my noble lord,
If she be so abandon’d to her sorrow
As it is spoke, she never will admit me.
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ORSINO Be clamorous, and leap all civil bounds,
Rather than make unprofited return.
VIOLA Say I do speak with her, my lord, what then?
ORSINO O then unfold the passion of my love,
Surprise her with discourse of my dear faith;
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It shall become thee well to act my woes:
She will attend it better in thy youth,
Than in a nuncio’s of more grave aspect.
VIOLA I think not so, my lord.
ORSINO Dear lad, believe it;
For they shall yet belie thy happy years,
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That say thou art a man; Diana’s lip
Is not more smooth and rubious: thy small pipe
Is as the maiden’s organ, shrill and sound,
And all is semblative a woman’s part.
I know thy constellation is right apt
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For this affair. Some four or five attend him;
All, if you will: for I myself am best
When least in company. Prosper well in this,
And thou shalt live as freely as thy lord,
To call his fortunes thine.
VIOLA I’ll do my best
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To woo your lady: [aside] yet, a barful strife!
Whoe’er I woo, myself would be his wife. Exeunt.
1.5 Enter MARIA and Clown.
MARIA Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I
will not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter, in
way of thy excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy
absence.
CLOWN Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this
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world needs to fear no colours.
MARIA Make that good.
CLOWN He shall see none to fear.
MARIA A good lenten answer. I can tell thee where that
saying was born, of ‘I fear no colours.’
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CLOWN Where, good Mistress Mary?
MARIA In the wars, and that may you be bold to say in
your foolery.
CLOWN Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and
those that are fools, let them use their talents.
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MARIA Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent;
or to be turned away – is not that as good as a hanging
to you?
CLOWN Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage:
and for turning away, let summer bear it out.
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MARIA You are resolute then?
CLOWN Not so, neither, but I am resolved on two
points.
MARIA That if one break, the other will hold: or if both
break, your gaskins fall.
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CLOWN Apt, in good faith, very apt. Well, go thy way: if
Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a
piece of Eve’s flesh as any in Illyria.
MARIA Peace, you rogue, no more o’ that. Here comes
my lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best.
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Exit.
Enter Lady OLIVIA, with MALVOLIO and attendants.
CLOWN Wit, and’t be thy will, put me into good fooling!
Those wits that think they have thee, do very oft prove
fools: and I that am sure I lack thee, may pass for a
wise man. For what says Quinapalus? ‘Better a witty
fool than a foolish wit.’ God bless thee, lady!
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OLIVIA Take the fool away.
CLOWN Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.
OLIVIA Go to, y’are a dry fool: I’ll no more of you.
Besides, you grow dishonest.
CLOWN Two faults, madonna, that drink and good
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counsel will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is
the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend himself,
if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if he cannot, let
the botcher mend him. Anything that’s mended is but
patched: virtue that transgresses is but patched with
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sin, and sin that amends is but patched with virtue. If
that this simple syllogism will serve, so: if it will not,
what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but calamity,
so beauty’s a flower. The lady bade take away the fool,
therefore I say again, take her away.
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OLIVIA Sir, I bade them take away you.
CLOWN Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus
non facit monachum: that’s as much to say, as I wear not
motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to
prove you a fool.
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OLIVIA Can you do it?
CLOWN Dexteriously, good madonna.
OLIVIA Make your proof.
CLOWN I must catechise you for it, madonna. Good my
mouse of virtue, answer me.
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OLIVIA Well sir, for want of other idleness, I’ll bide
your proof.
CLOWN Good madonna, why mourn’st thou?
OLIVIA Good fool, for my brother’s death.
CLOWN I think his soul is in hell, madonna.
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OLIVIA I know his soul is in heaven, fool.
CLOWN The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your
brother’s soul, being in heaven. Take away the fool,
gentlemen.
OLIVIA What think you of this fool, Malvolio, doth he
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not mend?
MALVOLIO Yes, and shall do, till the pangs of death
shake him. Infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever
make the better fool.
CLOWN God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the
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better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn
that I am no fox, but he will not pass his word for
twopence that you are no fool.
OLIVIA How say you to that, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such
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a barren rascal: I saw him put down the other day
with an ordinary fool, that has no more brain than a
stone. Look you now, he’s out of his guard already:
unless you laugh and minister occasion to him, he is
gagged. I protest I take these wise men, that crow so at
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these set kind of fools, no better than the fools’ zanies.
OLIVIA O, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste
with a distempered appetite. To be generous, guiltless,
and of free disposition, is to take those things for bird-
bolts that you deem cannon-bullets. There is no
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slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but
rail; nor no railing in a known discreet man, though he
do nothing but reprove.
CLOWN Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou
speak’st well of fools!
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Enter MARIA.
MARIA Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman
much desires to speak with you.
OLIVIA From the Count Orsino, is it?
MARIA I know not, madam: ’tis a fair young man, and
well attended.
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OLIVIA Who of my people hold him in delay?
/> MARIA Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.
OLIVIA Fetch him off, I pray you: he speaks nothing but
madman. Fie on him! Exit Maria.
Go you, Malvolio. If it be a suit from the Count, I am
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sick, or not at home. What you will, to dismiss it.
Exit Malvolio.
Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and
people dislike it.
CLOWN Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy
eldest son should be a fool: whose skull Jove cram with
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brains, for here he comes, one of thy kin has a most
weak pia mater.
Enter SIR TOBY.
OLIVIA By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the
gate, cousin?
SIR TOBY A gentleman.
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OLIVIA A gentleman? What gentleman?
SIR TOBY ’Tis a gentleman here – [Belches.] A plague o’
these pickle-herring! How now, sot?
CLOWN Good Sir Toby!
OLIVIA Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by
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this lethargy?
SIR TOBY Lechery? I defy lechery. There’s one at the
gate.
OLIVIA Ay, marry, what is he?
SIR TOBY Let him be the devil and he will, I care not:
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give me faith, say I. Well, it’s all one. Exit.
OLIVIA What’s a drunken man like, fool?
CLOWN Like a drowned man, a fool, and a madman: one
draught above heat makes him a fool, the second mads
him, and a third drowns him.
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OLIVIA Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o’
my coz: for he’s in the third degree of drink; he’s
drowned. Go look after him.
CLOWN He is but mad yet, madonna, and the fool shall
look to the madman. Exit.
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Enter MALVOLIO.
MALVOLIO Madam, yond young fellow swears he will
speak with you. I told him you were sick; he takes on
him to understand so much, and therefore comes to
speak with you. I told him you were asleep; he seems
to have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore
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comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him,
lady? He’s fortified against any denial.
OLIVIA Tell him, he shall not speak with me.
MALVOLIO ’Has been told so: and he says he’ll stand at
your door like a sheriff’s post, and be the supporter to
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a bench, but he’ll speak with you.
OLIVIA What kind o’ man is he?
MALVOLIO Why, of mankind.
OLIVIA What manner of man?
MALVOLIO Of very ill manner: he’ll speak with you, will
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you or no.
OLIVIA Of what personage and years is he?
MALVOLIO Not yet old enough for a man, nor young
enough for a boy: as a squash is before ’tis a peascod,
or a codling when ’tis almost an apple. ’Tis with him
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in standing water, between boy and man. He is very
well-favoured, and he speaks very shrewishly. One
would think his mother’s milk were scarce out of him.
OLIVIA Let him approach. Call in my gentlewoman.
MALVOLIO Gentlewoman, my lady calls. Exit.
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Enter MARIA.
OLIVIA Give me my veil: come, throw it o’er my face.
We’ll once more hear Orsino’s embassy.
Enter VIOLA.
VIOLA The honourable lady of the house, which is she?
OLIVIA Speak to me, I shall answer for her. Your will?
VIOLA Most radiant, exquisite, and unmatchable beauty
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– I pray you tell me if this be the lady of the house, for
I never saw her. I would be loath to cast away my
speech: for besides that it is excellently well penned, I
have taken great pains to con it. Good beauties, let me
sustain no scorn; I am very comptible, even to the least
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sinister usage.
OLIVIA Whence came you, sir?
VIOLA I can say little more than I have studied, and that
question’s out of my part. Good gentle one, give me
modest assurance if you be the lady of the house, that
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I may proceed in my speech.
OLIVIA Are you a comedian?
VIOLA No, my profound heart: and yet, by the very
fangs of malice I swear, I am not that I play. Are you
the lady of the house?
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OLIVIA If I do not usurp myself, I am.
VIOLA Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp