“Hey,” Gavin’s voice is so soft, it’s almost a whisper, “I know you’re new, but that’s not how we do things. Besides, I’d appreciate it if you let me run my own group,” he scolds me. “What you’re doing is deflecting right now, Holly.”
“Hey man, I don’t mind,” the gorgeous stranger sitting across from me finally speaks. My heart flutters at his deep voice.
“It’s not necessary,” Gavin holds up his hand. “We like to give new patients a few days to acclimate before they jump in. Today is Holly’s day,” he tries to redirect the focus.
“No, man, it’s fine. Hi everyone, I’m Jake.” He steamrolls over Gavin’s attempts to take charge. “I was told not to give you my last name in here. That’s kind of weird for me since I’ve been in the military since I was a teenager and I’ve been going by my last name only, since then.” He chuckles and throws his arms over the back of his seat, leaning back comfortably. I’m happy that I don’t have to fight the urge to watch him anymore. Since he’s taken command of the room my eyes are just one of many sets on him.
Gavin writes furiously on his sheets as Jake continues, “Anyway, I’m just doing my time. I don’t really need to be here, well not like you guys do,” he nods at me and my cheeks burn. “I need to do a stint to keep my job, so if this is what I gotta do to stay with the SEALs then, so be it.”
He’s a SEAL? I glance at his shaggy hair and his beard again. The scruff perfectly lines his strong jaw and his sandy brown hair hangs around his face like a frame for his ocean blue eyes. He doesn’t look military. His slightly amused look stokes the flames of my anger.
“Oh, you don’t have to be here, huh?” I spit the words at him. I could smack his high and mighty look off his perfect face. “I guess the military sent you here for research then? Or just for fun?” My fists ball up at my sides.
“No, I’m here for coke.” He says slowly, like he’s a professor to an obtuse student. “Cocaine is addictive. If you do it enough you’ll get addicted no matter what. That doesn’t make you an addict, it makes the substance itself impossible to not get addicted to. It’s not like you. I was just partying.” His eyes never break from mine. I can’t decide if I want them to or not.
“Oh wow, that’s so cool how you’re the only non-addict in a rehab center. It must feel great to be so high above all of us,” I snap back. I know this isn’t entirely fair. I don’t really know this guy. He doesn’t know me. After spending five years being told that I’m nothing, being told how much better Knox is and always will be than me, I can’t take one more second of being looked down on. Especially not by some big, hot guy who thinks he’s king shit.
“Excuse me,” Gavin interrupts, clearly exasperated. “I already said that we’ll get to you another day,” he frowns at Jake. “This is Holly’s time, so if you wouldn’t mind…”
“I’m not saying that. I’m just saying we’re different, that’s all.” Jake completely ignores our counselor, never taking his eyes off me. “I’m not like you. I spent my time fighting for our country with other guys and when we had downtime, we lived it up. That’s it. I didn’t come from some broken home or whatever. My parents loved me and all that shit.” His words sucker punch me.
I struggle to breathe as I jump to my feet. I left my parents’ house because I ruined their lives. My mother never forgave me for the day my sister died. Even when I left for this place, she couldn’t look me in the eyes when she coldly said goodbye. I left her house when I was seventeen, but I haven’t felt her love for a lot longer than that.
“Go fuck yourself, douche,” I storm across the room and fling the office door open, slamming it behind me.
Hot tears splash down my cheeks as I stumble down the hallway. Fuck that guy. Fuck him with his arrogant smirk and his beautiful eyes. I try to douse the flames of desire he so quickly ignited in me. I’m so glad he’s had a great life and a great family. That he’s not broken and pathetic.
Like me.
8
Jake
Standing in the front hallway, like a herd of cattle waiting for the gates to the field to be unlocked, I wait with the other patients. Apparently, after lunch we have a daily walk for an hour. What I find weird is that none of the counselors have bothered to let me know about the schedule. I wasn’t given a pamphlet with timings on it. Instead, I’ve had to glean the information from other patients.
At lunch, I scanned the cafeteria for Holly, but I didn’t see her. Instead, I was invited to sit at the table with some very chatty Canadians while we ate our choice of either lasagna or burritos and rice.
“Ya, buddy. It’s a bit confusing around here at first,” a ginger guy with the thickest glasses I’ve ever seen and a heavy, almost Boston sounding accent nattered away. “But you get used to it in no time. Once you learn the routine, it’s like Groundhog Day in here.” He scarfed his burrito and talked around the mushed beans as he chewed. “I’ve heard that you guys deal better with that though.”
“You guys?” I looked up from my plate of meaty lasagna to question him.
“You military types. There’s a lot of you in here. They say you’re so used to doing routines and following orders that it’s not too hard on you. Give it a day and you’ll be a pro.” He tossed the remaining burrito in his mouth and I looked around.
How many military people are there? I looked around the cafeteria wondering. With everyone dressed in civvies, it wasn’t easy to see. Not until I started looking closer. Haircuts, posture, demeanor. They all helped me zone in on others who are serving their country.
Despite how intensely I looked through the crowd, there was one face I wanted to see that was missing. Holly.
The door buzzes and everyone shuffles through to the fresh air awaiting us outside. I smile up at the sun, breathing the clean West Coast air deep into my lungs. I stretch my arms in wide circles and shake out the tension. What a great day for a run.
I start to jog up the path leading through the thick cedars when a woman calls out behind me. I barely catch my name and stop.
Is it her?
My eyes focus like a red laser locking in on a target for the mystery person yelling my name. God damn. I would love to make her sweet lips call out my name. Cry it loudly as I make her cum over and over.
Disappointment crashes over me as my focus narrows to a hunched over, silver-haired woman who could be my grandmother. “Jake,” she smiles at me.
“Uh, yeah?” How does she know my name? Who is this lady?
“I’m in your group session. You made quite the entrance this morning,” she chuckles.
“Oh, hi. I didn’t catch your name,” I prod her as I slowly walk beside her.
“It’s Mabel,” she answers warmly. “I just wanted to tell you that we’re not allowed to jog or run during the walk time. Not that I could even if I wanted to,” she chuckles again and limps forward.
“We can’t run? Why?” Annoyance prickles over my skin and I rub my hand over my beard.
“A lot of people use exercise to get a bit of an endorphin rush, a little mini-high. In here, people get desperate to feel good again. Plus, walking makes you think more. It’s more reflective. Anyway,” she smiles at my scowl, “I don’t make the rules, I just follow them. You can do what you want, but if you use this time to run you’ll hear the same spiel from a counselor later.” She warns gently.
This is fucking ridiculous. Get high from running. Seriously? What’s next? No sugar because you might feel a rush? Instead of snapping at granny, I bite my tongue and smile back politely. Don’t shoot the messenger, right? Especially not when she’s a sweet, little old thing like her.
“Uh, thanks. I appreciate it.” I look over at her curiously. What is she doing in a place like this?
“Heroin,” her sweet voice interrupts my thoughts.
“I’m sorry?”
“I’m in for heroin addiction, I’m guessing you were gonna ask. It’s always the first question.”
So much for a sweet, innocent granny
.
“Oh, wow. That’s intense.” I walk alongside her.
“Well, it didn’t start out that way. It started with an Oxycodone prescription. It ended with heroin.” She answers sadly.
Holy shit, it’s hard to imagine my walking partner with a needle in her arm. She must be in her late sixties or early seventies.
“Where you start is never where you end up, that’s the thing with addiction,” she continues softly.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I’m not sure what else to say.
“Don’t be. I’m gonna be just fine.”
My eye is caught by a flash of teal blue. A jacket in the crowd ahead. It’s the jacket that catches my eye, but the long, flowing brown hair that I lock onto. She turns and looks back over her shoulder. Holly’s beautiful blue eyes meet mine and I can’t hear what Mabel is saying anymore.
“I’m sorry, I need to go,” I interrupt her and quickly zigzag through the bodies separating Holly and I, without saying another word.
Ahead of me, Holly puts her head down and marches forward with more steam in her step. She’s trying to avoid me, but after this morning’s explosion I feel like we should clear the air. I mean, that’s my excuse anyway.
“Hey, wait up,” I call out. I know she can hear me, but she keeps pressing forward. I maneuver around a large gaggle of women clucking like hens and close the distance between us.
“Hey,” I grab her arm, “I wanted to talk to you.”
“I have nothing to say to you,” she brusquely yanks her arm from my grasp and sets her jaw in determination. I easily keep up with her increased pace. If she thinks she’s going to speed up and outwalk me, she’s mistaken.
“Listen, I don’t know what I did to upset you, but I’m sorry. Ok? I didn’t mean to offend you this morning. Sometimes I’m not the best at expressing myself.” I continue.
“You don’t say,” she snaps back, but some of the tension in her shoulders slides away and her pace slows slightly.
“It’s true, look, icebreakers aren’t really my thing.”
“No shit,” she answers.
“Like one time, I made a speech at my buddy’s wedding. It was supposed to be touching. I talked about how when we went hunting, he’d open up about how he’d met the love of his life, even saying he’d met the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with,” I explain.
“What’s wrong with that?” She looks over at me and I almost stop walking when her face softens and her beauty radiates through. She’s stunning.
“The problem was, I didn’t know his wife was an animal rights type vegan and that when he went hunting with me, he’d told her he was just going camping as a cover story.”
“Really?” Holly giggles and I can’t help but smile back.
“Yeah, I mean, it’s sort of funny now. But, at the time she had a nuclear meltdown and I was like the leper no one wanted to talk to. Like I said, even when I’m not trying, I offend people.”
Holly laughs a little and slows her pace again. She looks so beautiful when she smiles. I mean, she’s pretty damned sexy when she’s pouting too. I imagine how her thick lips would feel crushed against mine. How they would look sliding down my body to my fat… I shake my head and focus my gaze on the mysterious girl beside me. I’ve never been one to get drawn in by a pretty face, to light up from a simple smile. Why is she so different?
“It sounds like you have bad luck,” she pushes her hair back from her face and runs her fingers through the long locks. I want to wrap her hair around my hand while I make her mine.
“Oh, I don’t know about that,” I murmur. “I mean, who would’ve thought in a place like this I’d meet someone as beautiful as you. That’s pretty lucky if you ask me.”
Her freckles scrunch up on her ivory nose and she looks down at her feet. I’ve made her uncomfortable.
“Uh, anyway, I wasn’t trying to say that I’m better than you because we grew up different.” I try to change the subject back to my attempted apology.
“No? Well, your non-addiction to coke and your awesome, loving parents sounded better.” Her voice runs cold.
“Hey, I’ve got my own shit. I bet everyone in here does. My family isn’t perfect, ok? It’s just not,” I shake my head and try to stay in the moment, I don’t want memories to overtake me, “it’s just not the main thing I struggle with. I’m definitely not better than you. Just different.”
Our shoes crunch against the twigs on the path below us. Holly looks up at me from under her eyelashes, like she doesn’t fully trust me or my words.
“Ok,” she says finally. Tension I didn’t know I was holding washes away with just that one word.
“Great,” I smile. “Hey, we’re both in here for coke, right? Maybe we can focus on our similarities. Help each other out with this thing, huh?” I ramble, happy to have reached a truce.
“Maybe,” she answers tentatively. “Um, but right now the walk is over and I’ve got a class to go to. I’ll see you in group tomorrow, ok?” She doesn’t wait for me to answer, breaking off from the trail, she heads back to the front doors of Edgewood and doesn’t look back.
I feel like we’re doing a dance. Waltzing back and forth, one step forward and two steps back.
9
Holly
I make my way down the hall to my room, trying to convince myself that my body is ready for sleep. I know I’m not tired. I just want to close my eyes and dream of him. Jake.
I want the freedom to talk to him, laugh with him, to kiss him. My heart flutters as the last thought lingers. What is it about him that makes me feel this way? I’ve been numb for so long, my world dulled by drugs and pain, I forgot how this feels. How a simple glance from his gorgeous eyes can make me happy and shy, at the same time. How a smile from his perfect lips can make a flush of heat rush through my body, igniting my soul.
Speaking of smiles, I can’t hide the one stupidly pasted on my face right now. I’m getting funny looks from the other patients as I float through the hall like a girl who has finally been asked to the prom by her high school crush, but I don’t care.
I turn the corner into my room and walk in through the open door. They make us keep the doors open here during the day. I’ve been told that they do random inspections in the rooms to make sure no one is sneaking in drugs or booze. I guess it makes sense, but it still feels weird to know that just anyone could be rifling through my underwear or reading through my journal while I’m gone.
At least we get to close them at night. I’d never get any sleep with the bright light cascading into my room from the hall, like a spotlight on a prison tower. I fling the door shut and climb into bed. I’m so ready for sleep to overtake me. The days are long here. Like mercury, I feel myself melt away from my body, ready to reform into a new shape in my dreams.
I hear a noise from my closet and sit up in bed. The room looks different. I look around and realize that I’m in my childhood bedroom.
How did I…?
There’s no time to question it because the noise in my closet is growing louder. I should run away, or scream, but I can’t stop myself from opening the door. I know what’s waiting for me before the door even opens, but I still gasp. My heart pounds rushing blood into my ears and my lungs struggle to take in air. I open my mouth to scream, but Knox steps forward from behind the door and clamps his hand over my mouth, muffling my cries with his meaty hand as he pushes me back against the wall with a thump.
“Shut your fucking mouth,” he reaches behind him and pulls out his gun. The gun I shot him in the leg with. How did he get it back? I feel the cold metal nuzzle against my temple. Tears spring to my eyes as he cocks it.
“Make a fucking sound and I’ll kill whoever comes in here, then I’ll kill you.” He sneers. I can’t breathe. His hand is still locked over my lips and pressed up snugly under my nose, making it next to impossible to get any air.
Knox releases his icy grip from my face and pinches his fingers into the flesh of my arm. The fles
h of my arm. The thought occurs to me. That’s how I started thinking of myself when I was with him. Like my mind and body became separate entities. He could control my body, he could hurt my flesh, but he could never rule my mind.
“Knox, please,” I whisper, knowing full well that he’ll make good on his promise to kill anyone who walks in here.
“Shut the fuck up, bitch,” he tosses me down and I tumble onto my bed. I slide back, desperate to put some space between us, until my back hits the wall behind me. I knew he would find me. I went to the furthest rehab center I could find, hoping to escape him. To give myself a chance to heal before I had to think of how to spend the rest of my life avoiding him. Damn it, I traveled to the Canadian west coast just to stay hidden. How did he find me?
“You thought you’d get away so easily, huh? I told you, baby girl, you ain’t ever getting away from me. First, I’m gonna do you like you did me,” he nods down to his leg.
I slap both my hands over my mouth to prevent the scream, that’s welling up inside me, from escaping. His knee is bleeding down his leg, a fresh wound. Like I just shot him. My mind can’t make sense of what I’m seeing, I shot him weeks ago. How is this happening? I watch in horror as the blood soaks his jeans and pools around his foot, slicking out over the floor.
“Knox, I’m sorry. Please…”
“I told you to keep your mouth shut!” He raises his hand and I cower, crunching myself down into a ball as I prepare myself for the impact of his gun. Nothing happens. I wait, my head tucked into my body, but he doesn’t hit me. I peer up and his face is an inch from mine. I can see every scar, every wrinkle from years of drug use, I can smell the familiar tobacco and whiskey on his breath.
“I’m gonna blow your pretty little knee out, Holly. Then I’m taking you home with me. You got it? You’re my property, bitch. The only way you’re ever gonna leave me is in a body bag.”
Navy SEAL Bad Boy Page 4