by Hazel Keys
“Wow, I’ve never heard that response.”
“Well, it’s probably unpopular but it’s the truth.”
“So let me get this straight,” I say with a grin. “I’m dying, being attacked by zombies. You wouldn’t come to save me?”
“Nope. You’re a liability.”
“Wow…that’s an interesting point of view.”
She shrugged…and finally laughed and sent me back a smile. “You can call me selfish if you want. But you’re the one raising hypothetical questions.”
“True that. I just figure, I’m used to a high threshold of emotional pain so I would probably outlast everyone else.”
“No way,” she said, losing her smile and taking the conversation way too seriously. “You would die the first day. You’re too nice. Someone like me would walk all over you.”
I laughed and finally looked into the woman’s eyes, giving her a chance. She was sort of like Amelia but different in an interesting way. I would enjoy having sex with such a good debater. Maybe we’d even fall in love…
The question is, did I want to wait for Amelia or did I really want to move on?
I decided to go out with Becky again, but also took the time to research Amelia. After all, maybe she was waiting by the phone muttering my name to herself and stroking my picture frame.
Yeah right! That is such Hollywood bullshit, the idea that any woman waits for a man. In reality, women have far too many offers to ever become a lonely spinster. It’s time we guys stopped taking ourselves so damn seriously and realize that…
Well, sometimes you just lose the woman you love. Sometimes you just let her get away. And there’s nothing anyone can do about it.
I did find out later after making innocent inquiries through third parties that Amelia is no longer single. She has a boyfriend and he has the worst name possible: Pete something. Pete, give me a break. What, is she still thinking of marrying a politician and heading for the White House some day?
So now was the time I really had to eat it and be happy for my best friend—the one I let get away because I was weirded out by my own weird emotions. And goddamn it, I did it too. I met her on a train one day and I wished her well. We chatted. I didn’t have anything nasty to say and neither did she. We both were genuinely happy with each other.
Of course, the Becky relationship was naturally doomed over the long-term and true to prediction, her selfishness was the main problem. She refused to split a brunch plate with me and not because of financial or social reasons, or even germaphobic reasons. She simply looked me in the eye and said, “I will not share with you. I have never shared anything. Ever.”
Ever? I was damn impressed and not in a good way.
“So what, you worked out a loan arrangement with your mom before breastfeeding?”
“No, my mother owed me that breast milk. I was owed that. Anything I am owed I take. Anything I am expected to give, I do not.”
“Huh…so you probably don’t think much of Gandhi, Mother Teresa, these types of people?”
“They’re kind of ugly if you ask me.”
I shook my head in disbelief.
Of course we fooled around before we decided we were both incompatible. Becky was more than happy to let me go down on her. Naturally, she didn’t reciprocate and I kind of doubted she would.
But at least I didn’t have to feel bad about the way the relationship ended.
“I’m breaking up with you,” she said, as usual, an ultra-serious stare on her face.
“Really? Why?”
“You don’t seem upset.”
I shrugged. “To be honest, I don’t think we were going anywhere anyway.”
“I agree. I never found you worthy of greater intimacy. I wanted you to pleasure me and you did. Now I am done with the relationship.”
“Cool, I get it,” I said tiredly. Work was stressful, as usual, but actually dealing with Becky on a day to day basis kind of trumped work altogether. I was relieved to be done with it.
“And you owe me one hundred dollars to make it official.”
“What? Why?”
“You have a number of expenses to pay for the mutual sex we enjoyed.”
I laughed heartily and even more heartily when I saw she was dead serious.
“You have to pay for the STD tests, rental expenses for using my home, about fifty dollars worth of food from my refrigerator…”
And she went on like this for a while. Finally I said…
“You know, ordinarily I would do that, Becky. But you see…I’m just kind of a selfish person. And if I paid every last person that told me I owed them money for what I thought was basic human kindness…well, I’d be dead in the apocalypse, that’s for sure.”
Chapter 9:Amelia
“Eww, what are you doing here?” I asked Jake, that imposter Italian, whom I happen to see at a bar downtown. We were both there with mutual friends. Jake was seeing this woman named Donna and I was there with Pete. But naturally, we gravitated towards each other, because unlike the rest of the people at that club, Jake and I had something in common.
Or shall I say at least one thing in common.
“Hey, Amelia,” Jake said.
I nodded at him cautiously, still remembering what a drunken fool he was at that party we went to.
“How have you been?”
“Okay, Donna and I are…you know…”
“What? Breaking up in two weeks?”
“Two weeks? Jesus…I don’t think if I can last that much longer. She’s a ticking time bomb.”
I shook my head in judgment. “You guys are such babies when it comes to commitment, you know that?”
“Oh right, because once a guy meets something as amazing as a single girl, he just HAS to fall in love with her ASAP, right?”
“You’re not only a bastard, Jake? You’re a pig bastard.”
“Pig bastard? Really? So I’m a pig that has no father?”
“And you’re not even a real Italian pig bastard.”
“Now that really hurts.”
Jake laughed the exchange off and Amelia rolled her eyes.
“So seriously…you and Pete happy?”
“Not that it’s any of your business, weirdo, but…”
“What?”
“Not really. I think we’re on our last legs.”
“Well with legs like yours, I can see why Pete was on last.”
“Shut up.”
“Come on! Cheer up, kid. You know life doesn’t get much better than this, right?”
“Yeah right, I figured that part out.”
Jake stared at Amelia for a moment and then decided he couldn’t keep a secret. “You know…David has always had a crush on you.”
“Shut up!”
“Not bullshitting you. I just think it’s hilarious that you two are such neurotic nutcases that neither one of you can come out and admit it like I just did. David has the hots for you. There, it’s out in the open. I feel so much better.”
I laughed, for once, in Jake’s company. “You are lying. David does not have any feelings for me. Believe me, I would know.”
“Why do you say that?”
“David expresses himself very well. I’m sure if he was in love with me, he would communicate that.”
“Huh…” Jake said with a smile. “I don’t recall using the word ‘love’ at all. You did.”
I laughed again. “David doesn’t understand the first thing about love.”
Jake shrugged. “He may surprise you.”
**
Speaking of David, it was ironic that David came by the house while mother was on vacation, just to help me get rid of a broken refrigerator. For a moment, I wondered if that blabbermouth Jake said anything. But if David was here on a mission, he gave a good performance. He was low-key, a bit distant and almost brotherly in his attention to me.
“It’s done,” he said in a loud voice, barely making eye contact.
“Cool, thank you so much! I very muc
h appreciate it.”
“Anytime, Amelia. You’re family, you know that.”
I smiled wide and nodded. It was only slightly disappointing, considering just how wonderful it feels to be connected to a family. I never had a big brother so it’s nice to know I have found someone that can love me without conditions. At that moment I realized just why it was so important to keep this platonic friendship and not ruin it with radical sex experiments.
David smiled, looking a bit perplexed. Was he holding something back?
“And uh…well, there is one more thing that I wanted to say.”
“Which is what, hon?”
“I hope you and Pete are getting along.”
“Oh. Thanks.”
“Are you?”
“Yeah, sure,” I said, itching my cheek.
I met his eyes and saw a new and somewhat alien expression. He seemed to be looking at me and trying to solve a riddle. I squinted at him and smiled, as if to say, What is the answer, O great soothsayer?
“Well, no I just wanted to know if…”
I looked at him and listened, not rushing him, but just losing myself in his eyes. Was he trying to tell me…
And then he received a call on his cell phone. He grabbed it and began clicking buttons.
“Who is that?” I asked him in nodding curiosity.
“Just uh, Maggie. This girl that I was…was…”
“Ah, I see,” I said with a devious smile. “Don’t worry, bro. I can keep it on the down low.”
He laughed nervously.
“You know what Amelia…here’s what I wanted to say.”
“David,” I interrupted. “You don’t have to say anything.”
“I don’t?”
“No. I know we’re good friends and I’m not jealous of your private life. Not condemning. Not even interested in knowing what’s going on in that aspect of your life. I know we’re never going to be together. Our paths will not cross.”
“Oh.”
“I just want to know that you’re happy,” I said with a firm nod.
“Like you and Pete?”
“Yes, like Pete and I.”
“Sounds good then. Anyway, glad I could help you today.”
“And I’m very appreciative.”
I smiled, politely guiding a rambling David towards the door. He was talking nervously, as if I caught him at being a bad boy or something. No, far from it. I was actually quite relieved to know that he was just as happy as I was—or trying to be—with his girlfriend.”
And I’ll be damned if my brother, my best friend in the world, owes me an explanation. That’s not what friends are for, silly.
I gave him a hug goodbye. He tightened it, feeling the pain. The pain of what, God only knows.
Chapter 10:David
Everyone loves a scandal. Supposedly there’s something attractive about looking at another person’s life—their series of mistakes and miscalculations and finding something to laugh about. Call me crazy though…I’ve never particularly enjoyed laughing at other people’s misfortune. My job is to give people the essentials their body needs to succeed. I can’t fathom failure because it’s a choice…and I can’t imagine people wanting to root for someone’s failure.
So hearing from Amelia’s own mouth that she considers me just a friend and that our paths would never cross romantically, was a wakeup call. It didn’t have to be a failure…it was a victory for us. We would still be friends, come hell or high water, confusion or false emotion.
Did I take it personally that Amelia friend-zoned me and made it pretty damned clear that we were not going to end up together? I’m just glad she finally called me on it and said what we were both thinking. It was a weight off my shoulders. Now true, I could speculate that maybe I should be offended because I’m not “her type”. I suppose her type is the bad boy, rich guy, presidential wannabe who speaks eloquently and knows a hundred different wine varietals.
But no, I’m not upset about it. I was actually enjoying the freedom of having no ties to anybody, and as far as I was concerned I had Amelia’s blessing to go fall in love with whomever I wanted to. Amelia would be at my wedding, that’s what our friendship was about!
Now here’s where things get tricky. So this woman I was dating named Maggie, seemed fairly normal when we first talked. Answered all my silly questions very well and had excellent taste in music, since she preferred the 1960s.
But then something really weird happened and I didn’t pick up on it until later but even on that first night…I knew something was wonky about Maggie.
“You know what I think is important in relationships,” she said as we ate at a cafeteria. “Is that the couple can talk to each other.”
“Oh yeah absolutely.”
I gather it’s inappropriate for a man to admit that his attraction to a woman is largely peripheral, but with Maggie it did seem as if our physical compatibility was the most important factor. She was a little short, brunette, and with a country-tanned face. She wore a cowboy hat to our first date.
Call me nutty, but I found her adorable. I was even willing to talk about dull subject matter just so I could gaze at her cute face a little longer.
“I always try to determine my compatibility with a person based on our fruitful conversations.”
“And what did you determine, silly?” she asked with a cute grin.
“That you’re very interesting,” I said back, not really focusing on our intellectual prowess. She was just cute…so sue me!
“Well what I think,” she said very confidently, “is that a man and woman ought to be friends first before they go around hopping into bed. Don’t you agree?”
I found it an oddly comforting thought. Suddenly, I stopped looking at Maggie as just an adorable face and started to think of her more as a “real woman” I should get to know.
“Well yeah, I do actually. I think friendship means everything. A relationship, a marriage…uh…for example, a marriage can’t last without the commitment that results from friendship.”
She agreed with me and I listened to her ramble on, about love, 1960s music, hypothetical questions and even a few hauntingly familiar subjects.
“I work in pharmaceuticals, so yeah I am aware of vitamins and supplements, but I also work with scientifically tested drugs…”
“Oh…”
“And plus,” she said with a smile. “I really hate talking about my job.”
“You don’t say!” I replied with a smile.
Even her views on religion seemed a little too perfect. “I started off as a believer then I was an atheist and now I just sort of keep open minded without deciding anything.”
“I do that,” I said with a nod.
“The one thing I really dislike is politicians!”
I laughed for the entire evening dining with Maggie. It seemed for a minute that retreated from pursuing Amelia just in time to meet someone who was actually attracted to me and compatible with my lifestyle and personality. She almost seemed too good for me, and I wondered what might be wrong with her.
It had to be a sexual problem right? I tactfully broached the subject, talking about our romantic histories…
“Well the thing of it is…” she said shyly. “A lot of guys are intimidated by me. Because well…it’s hard to say.”
“Please tell me, my curiosity is piqued,” I said with a wink.
“I think I’m a little bit of a nymphomaniac,” she said coyly, batting her eyelashes. “Once I find a guy I like…well, I’m very demanding in bed. I like, want sex several times a day. Is that going to be a problem for you?”
I sat back in my chair and bobbed my head in sarcasm. “Oh I think I can work with that. You know, it’ll require patience but I can try my best.”
We both laughed. For a moment I almost felt guilty, since I was falling for another Amelia-like woman who just so happened to be a little better for me than Amelia Classic. Maybe it was time to let go of my juvenile fixations once and for all
, and realize that women like Maggie were even rarer than women like Amelia.
I ought to stop whining for a while and appreciate the beautiful woman sitting in front of me, looking at me in adoring eyes…for a change.
**
I had lunch with Jake one day at a B-grade Italian restaurant in the spring and we had a chance to catch up. Jake, as usual, ate his pizza and complained about the “stringy” cheese.
“I’m just saying if I was a cook and prepared this cheese…I would jump off a bridge. I would end my own life. I couldn’t live with myself. It bothers me knowing there are people who make low quality cheese in life and are just fine with it.”
I shook my head and smiled. “Good to know you’re keeping it real. Problems all over the world and you’re mostly interested in pizza cheese.”
“Cheese is like seventy-five percent of the pizza. How can I not be concerned? How importantly how can this GUY, this imposter have a job baking pizza in an Italian restaurant?”
Jake snickered until he changed the subject. “So how are things with Maggie?”
“Really good. You know I think she may be the one this time.”
“Really?” Jake asked, a bit surprised.
“Yeah. She’s great. You met her that one time.”
“Yeah she was all right. I just…”
“Just what?”
“I didn’t see you ending up with her!” Jake said waving his arms, just as I yelped aloud.
“Will you stop saying that? Who do I end up with, Jake? In your wild imagination?”
“I dunno, depends how wild we’re talking about,” Jake said with a smirk.
“Don’t go down that road again.”
“What?”
“Don’t do it. I’m very happy with Maggie and I don’t need you pointing out flaws, or pointing out better women that I could ask out. If I’m a happy man then I’m not looking. All right?”
“Listen, all that’s well and good. But let me just ask you one question. What did Maggie say that first grabbed your attention?”