Reckless Love

by Madeline Baker

  "I'd like to talk to you, Hannah," she said quietly.

  "About what?"

  "About the future. About Two Hawks Flying. He told you what happened between us, didn't he? He said he would."

  "Yes," I said stiffly. "He told me."

  "He's a wonderful man."

  "Yes, I know."

  "Hannah, I'd like for us to be friends.

  What happened between your husband and myself was all my fault. I threw myself at him, practically begged him to make love to me."

  "I don't want to hear this," I said brusquely.

  "Please. I married my husband when I was very young. Martin and I had a good life, and he loved me very much. But I was a preacher's daughter and Martin treated me like a saint, even in bed. I never knew what real passion was until Two Hawks Flying entered my life. When he left, I thought of nothing else. I know now that what I thought was undying love was just loneliness and . . ." Rebecca's cheeks turned crimson. "And lust."

  "You don't have to tell me this. It's none of my business."

  "Yes, it is. I want you to know how sorry I am for what happened. And I want you to know that I love your father very much. He's a wonderful man."

  "Yes, he is." I wanted to dislike the woman who had caused me so much heartache, but I couldn't. I knew how hard it must have been for her to confide in me about her marriage and her infatuation with Shadow. Knowing her for even this short time, I was certain she was ashamed of her passion for my husband, yet she had felt it necessary to face me and apologize. I admired her courage.

  "I hope we can be friends," Rebecca said.

  "I think we are."

  The wedding was small and informal, just the family and the minister. Pa looked handsome in his dark suit, Rebecca was radiant in a peach-colored silk that high-lighted her fair skin and chestnut hair. Her face fairly glowed with happiness as Pa slipped a plain gold wedding band over her finger. Looking at the two of them, I knew I need never be jealous of Rebecca again.

  Heecha and Mary giggled behind their hands when their grandfather bent down and claimed his first kiss as Rebecca's husband. I dabbed at my eyes, hoping no one would see my tears, but Shadow never missed anything going on around him. I assumed he would think I was just being female and that I was crying because that's what women did at weddings, but in truth I was crying because Shadow and I could never be legally wed in the eyes of the law. True, we had been married according to Cheyenne custom, but such a marriage was not considered legal or binding among my people.

  I sniffed as I recalled the day I had married Shadow . . .

  It was in mid-May when Shadow came to me, a grave look in his deep black eyes.

  "What is it?" I asked anxiously. "Is something wrong?"

  "Yes," he said. "Very wrong."

  "What's wrong?" I asked hoarsely. A dozen dreadful thoughts crowded my mind. The soldiers had found us. Someone had died. He didn't love me any more . . .

  "We have not been properly married, Hannah," Shadow said. "I want you to be my wife. Will you marry me according to Cheyenne custom?"

  Relief washed over me in great waves. "Marry you," I breathed. "Oh, yes, yes, yes!"

  The next evening, just after sunset, Shadow and I stood together before Elk Dreamer, surrounded by all the Cheyenne people. I wore a doeskin dress that had been bleached white and tanned to a softness like velvet It had been a gift from Fawn, and was, in fact, the dress she had worn when she married Black Owl. Foot-long fringe dangled from the sleeves; hundreds of tiny blue beads decorated the bodice. New Leaf had stayed up the night before to make me a pair of moccasins. They were beautiful as intricately designed and crafted as any evening slippers I had ever seen. My hair fell free about my shoulders, adorned with a single white rose.

  Shadow stood straight and tall beside me, looking more handsome than I had ever seen him. He wore a white buckskin shirt that was open at the throat, white leggings heavy with fringe, and white moccasins. A single white eagle feather was tied in his waist-length black hair.

  Elk Dreamer raised his right hand for silence. "This is a special day for our people," he began. "One of our warriors has chosen a woman to share his life. Though she is not of our blood, her heart is good for our people. From this day forward, she will be one of us." Pausing, Elk Dreamer drew his knife. Taking Shadow's right hand, he made a shallow cut in his palm, and then did the same to my right hand. Caught up in the beauty of the moment, I did not feel the pain.

  Taking our hands in his, Elk Dreamer pressed them together, palm to palm. "Now their blood is mixing, and they are one. From this time forward, all pain will be divided, all joy will be doubled . . ."

  I brushed my tears aside as I kissed Pa's cheek and then gave Rebecca a hug.

  Shadow took me aside while Rebecca collected the marriage license and Pa paid the preacher.

  "Someday, Hannah," Shadow said so only I could hear. "Someday I will marry you in the white man's way."

  I looked in his eyes. How did he always know what I was thinking? It was uncanny, the way that man could read my mind.

  ''Am I never to have any secrets from you?" I asked.

  "Never," Shadow stated emphatically. "You are as much a part of me as my arms and legs. I will always know what you want and what you need."

  "It doesn't matter, really, about the wedding, I mean."

  His eyes told me he knew I was lying. "Someday," he said again. "I promise."

  And I believed him, because he had never lied to me, but I was a little frightened by such a promise because I knew Shadow and I could never be wed so long as Joshua Berdeen lived. I did not like to think what would happen if Shadow and Joshua ever saw each other again.

  Thirty minutes later we were on a train bound for home.

  XVII

  As Pa had expected, Steel's Crossing had grown a great deal in the nine years since we had been away. The town that had once consisted of little more than a general store and saloon now took up three long blocks. I was surprised to see a large bank, a telegraph office, a newspaper office, a barber shop, a whitewashed church, and four saloons. There was even a dentist located at the end of the town.

  Our first stop was Sheets Livery Barn where Pa bought a big flatbed wagon, a team of chestnut geldings to pull it, and a bay quarter-horse mare for riding.

  At Blankenships Mercantile, Pa and Shadow purchased a variety of merchandise: hammers, nails, saws, canned goods, harness, blankets, cooking pots and utensils, two shovels, candles, a couple of lanterns. The list went on and on. Pa put in an order for window glass for the cabin we were going to build; Rebecca picked out material for curtains. Pa and Shadow bought new Winchester rifles and plenty of ammunition. The West might be settling down, but there were still outlaws to contend with. And game to be hunted. Heecha begged to have a gun, too, but Shadow said no, not until he was older, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I did not like to think of my baby owning a gun.

  At Norquist's Feed and Tack Store, Pa bought a dozen chickens, a milk cow and several sacks of grain for the livestock.

  "Come spring, we'll start looking for cattle," Pa remarked to Shadow as he tossed a sack of feed into the back of the wagon.

  Shadow nodded as he tossed a second sack of oats into the wagon. The sacks weighed one hundred pounds each and Rebecca and I smiled at each other as we watched our men toss the heavy sacks around like they weighed no more than a few pounds.

  Shadow drew a lot of curious stares as he helped Pa load the wagon. Indians weren't a common sight in Steel's Crossing, nor a welcome one. People had long memories and they still remembered the Custer massacre and the Indian wars that had kept things stirred up in this part of the country just a short ten years ago.

  Shadow ignored the derisive looks and derogatory comments thrown his way until he took me by the arm to help me into the back of the wagon and a man standing nearby made a crack about a white woman living with an Indian.

  With the speed of a striking snake, Shadow released my arm and lunged at the man
who had dared to insult me. They hit the ground rolling over and over as they scrabbled for a hold on one another. Naked fury burned in the depths of Shadow's eyes as he pinned the man to the ground, his long legs straddling the man's thighs. Whipping a knife from his belt, Shadow laid the finely-honed blade against the man's throat.

  The man remained perfectly still, arms outstretched, his eyes glazed with fear as he looked into Shadow's eyes and saw death lurking there.

  The sound of a rifle being cocked drew my attention and I saw Pa come up behind Shadow, his rifle covering the crowd that had gathered around the two men brawling in the dusty street.

  "You will apologize to my wife," Shadow told the man cowering beneath him, "or you will not draw another breath."

  The man started to nod his head, but stopped as the blade at his throat cut into his flesh. A single drop of blood trickled down the man's neck.

  Slowly, Shadow withdrew his knife from the man's throat. Rising, he allowed the man to stand up.

  "I apologize, ma'am," the man said, his eyes seeking mine, but not quite making contact. "I didn't mean no disrespect."

  I accepted his apology with a quick nod of my head, then scrambled into the back of the wagon. Rebecca was there, and she put her arm around my shoulders, her eyes sympathetic.

  Shadow's eyes swept the crowd, his expression as hard and cold as ice, before he climbed onto the front seat. Pa sent the crowd a similar look before he, too, climbed into the wagon.

  Moments later we were heading out of town.

  Bear Valley was as lovely as I remembered. The trees were green, the grass was high, the river was low and sluggish this time of year. A thousand memories came out of hiding as the wagon came to a halt near the site of our old homestead. But there was no time for reminiscing. Pa and Shadow went off in search of game while Rebecca and I pitched the tent that would serve as our home until a cabin could be built. Mary gathered wood and twigs for a fire; Heecha unhitched the team and took the horses down to the river to drink.

  By nightfall, we were comfortably settled around a small fire. Heecha and Mary stared into the flames until they fell asleep, their heads pillowed on my lap. Pa and Rebecca were sitting with their arms around each other, dreaming about the future. It seemed strange to think of my father married to Rebecca. I could remember how happy he had been with my mother. I had never known two people so right for each other or so much in love. Pa had told me once that he met Mother on Thursday, courted her on Friday, kissed her on Saturday, and married her on Sunday. Mother always insisted things didn't happen quite that fast. Almost, but not quite. Sometimes, as a child, I had felt a little left out, they seemed so wrapped up in each other. Long before I had been old enough to know what such things meant, I had noticed the way they looked at each other, the little touches, the secret smiles. Did Pa feel the same way about Rebecca? A part of me was jealous that he could give his love to another woman and yet the older, wiser part was glad that he had found someone to share the rest of his life with.

  Pa was leaning forward, his lips brushing Rebecca's, when Shadow moved Heecha and Mary and pulled me to my feet.

  "Let us go for a walk," he suggested. "I think Rebecca and your father would like to be alone."

  Shadow held my. hand as we walked away from the fire. I knew immediately where we were going.

  Our secret place had not changed. How many times had I met Shadow under "our" tree? It was at this very spot that I had purposefully seduced him. I slid a glance at Shadow and saw that he, too, was remembering that day.

  Wordlessly, I stepped into his arms, sighed as his arms slid around my waist and his mouth slanted over mine. Gently, he lowered me to the ground, his mouth never leaving mine. Time slipped away and I was sixteen again, desperate to be with the man I loved, not caring that my friends and neighbors would ostracize me for loving an Indian, not caring about anything but the magic of Shadow's touch. His skin was firm and warm beneath my fingertips, the muscles flexing and relaxing as his hands kneaded my back. He was so strong, so beautiful to look at. I had never ceased to marvel that he was mine.

  We made love leisurely, lingering over each kiss, each caress. There was no need to hurry now, no fear of discovery. My skin felt vital and alive, attuned to every sensation. The sweet summer breeze was cool, the grass beneath us was soft and damp, but the fire in Shadow's touch was more than enough to keep me warm. His hands, big and brown and strong, moved gently over my body, lingering on my breasts to stroke and tease before moving on to caress the inside of my thigh. His touch, soft as butterfly wings, exploded through me like lightning. His mouth covered mine, his tongue softly dancing over the inside of my lower lip.

  My hands were busy, too, roaming lazily over his hard muscled flesh, marveling anew that the male body could be so beautiful to see, so thrilling to the touch. I reveled in the breadth of his shoulders, the length of his legs, the powerful muscles in his arms and thighs. Boldly, I let my hand wander down to grasp his manhood, which quivered with a life all its own.

  We petted and played, arousing each other until we were filled with a wild primal need that could no longer wait to be satisfied.

  Shadow rose over me, his dark eyes afire as his flesh merged with mine, two people now made one. I strained upward, wanting all of him, loving the old, yet always new experience of being a part of the man I loved.

  Later, happy and content, I fell asleep in Shadow's arms.

  Something was tickling my ear. I tried to swat it away, but it came back again and again. Irritated, I opened one eye to see Shadow leaning over me, a blade of grass in his hand.

  "We had better go back to camp," he said regretfully. "It will be daylight soon.

  His words brought me wide awake. What a sight we would make if Pa or one of our children came looking for us. Jumping to my feet, I grabbeo my clothes and began to dress, only to have Shadow pluck my chemise from my hands and carry me toward the river. The water looked very cold and I locked my arms around his neck as I began to realize what he had in mind.

  "You said we should get back to camp!" I shouted, hoping to avoid what I knew was coming.

  "Soon," Shadow grinned wickedly as he stepped into the waist-deep water.

  I squealed as the icy water closed around us. And then we were splashing each other, yelping as the cold water sprayed over our bare skin. Later, breathless, we fell into each other's arms and I prayed that all our days in the future would be as carefree and filled with laughter.

  Rebecca had breakfast waiting for us when we returned to camp. Her cheeks turned pink when she saw us, and I smiled to myself, knowing that she and Pa had likely spent the night much the same way as Shadow and I. Pa grinned like a new bridegroom and then he and Shadow exchanged satisfied smiles while Rebecca and I secretly did the same.

  Breakfast was a happy meal as we planned the day's work. There was so much to be done, I wondered how we would ever accomplish it all before winter set in. We worked from dawn til dark seven days a week and before long, the cabin walls were up, a winter garden was planted, and we had a small corral to hold our stock.

  Pa and Rebecca urged us to share the cabin with them, even though it was just a shell at present, but Shadow said no. He did not want to live within four walls. I understood his feelings and I didn't argue. In truth, I enjoyed living Cheyenne style. We had stopped at the reservation on our way to Bear Valley so Pa could visit Sunbird, only to learn that the old woman had died peacefully in her sleep the day before we arrived. Pa had gone to visit her grave. Sunbird had no relatives and no one had touched her lodge. Pa gave her belongings away and then I dismantled the lodge. We had brought it was us to Bear Valley, and now Shadow and I shared it.

  After our separation, it seemed like we could never be together enough again. Sometimes Shadow left whatever he was working on to be with me. Sometimes he only stayed a moment. Sometimes he helped me finish whatever chore I was engaged in.

  I was just as bad. I caught myself reaching out to touch him, to make sure
he was really there. My eyes looked for him constantly, the sight of him making my heart tingle with gladness.

  Sometimes, as now, I ignored the task at hand just to watch him. He had discarded the trappings of civilization and wore nothing but his buckskins and moccasins. His hair, though still short, was growing longer. His muscles rippled like silk under his tawny skin as he Chopped down a large tree. He was beautiful to watch. His movements were smooth, economical, rhythmic. A fine sheen of sweat covered his face and chest, and the sight of his sweat-dampened body made my insides turn to mush.

  Feeling my gaze, Shadow stopped in mid-swing, the ax suspended in mid-air as he turned to face me. I felt my cheeks grow hot under his knowing grin. His mouth formed the word ''later," and then he was swinging the ax again.

  I felt all keyed up as I went back to work, rather like a schoolgirl anticipating the arrival of her first beau.

  The feeling stayed with me all day, whether I was helping Rebecca wash clothes, preparing our midday meal, or washing a pound of mud from Mary's face.

  With the coming of darkness, I could barely keep from singing with excitement.

  I felt Shadow's eyes on mine all through dinner, felt his eager desire as I put the children to bed a half hour early.

  Pa flashed us a knowing grin as we mumbled something about going to the river for water.

  Out of sight of the cabin, Shadow took my hand and we ran toward the river crossing. When I would have stopped, Shadow shook his head and we went past the crossing and into the pine tree forest where I had played as a child. I had never ventured into the forest at night. It was eerie, walking among the tall trees, hearing the sounds of the night all around us. A full moon hung low in the sky, its pale light making grotesque shadows on the trees. Alone, I would have been afraid, but not with Shadow beside me.

  As a little girl, I had pretended the forest was an enchanted fairyland, and I was the fairy queen. The frog on the riverbank had been a handsome prince under an evil spell, the masked raccoon had been a wicked witch in disguise. The distant mountains had been a crystal palace filled with riches.