by Hood, Holly
“No matter what, I appreciate everything.” I want him to know that.
He’s angry with me for telling Slade we’ve been practicing rituals together for weeks now because it’s the only thing that drowns out Hutch.
I am putting him in danger just for a few hours of peace from Hutch.
“Maybe he is right,” Dax says. “Maybe I shouldn’t have gone behind his back.”
“He’s not right. This is what I need.”
I sit down next to Dax and drop my head on his shoulder. And I cry. “Why can’t your brother be as understanding as you are?” Why can’t Slade be the thing I need to fix me. So we can have a happy life?
I pull it together before Dax can comfort me. I wipe my eyes and laugh. “When you touch me, you take away those demons. And it’s the only way to cope anymore. I don’t see why that is wrong.”
“Because he loves you and doesn’t want something to happen to you.” I know every time he practices magic with me the closer I am to pushing things too far. I could become the thing that I hate. That’s why Slade doesn’t practice magic.
This magic makes you dark. It makes you evil.
“I will make sure your brother understands. It’s not your fault. It’s mine,” I reassure him.
He only shakes his head. So I leave him alone.
***
I tap on the door before I come into our bedroom. I don’t know why. It’s my bedroom too. Slade is in the bathroom. A towel wrapped around his waist. He wipes the condensation from the mirror and grabs his toothbrush.
“How did practice go?” I know they have been working on a new song.
“You’re not in here to talk about practice, Hope.” He squeezes toothpaste on his toothbrush and starts scrubbing. He won’t even look at me.
“That night when I went back to the bus. I did that because I was wore out from dealing with Hutch. Not to mention that dream I had where I lost you.” I lean against the counter and I wait for him to say something. “The only thing I care about is not losing you. And I would do anything to keep that from happening.”
He keeps brushing. Nothing I am saying is getting through to him. He doesn’t understand. What I can say to make him understand?
He finishes and turns on the water cupping his hand. He takes a swig and then spits. “The only thing you are doing is driving a wedge between us.”
“Slade,” I say, that hurts to hear. “I am trying to fix things. Not ruin them.”
He ignores what I have to say and gives me more. “No. I don’t want to hear your reasoning behind any of it. I told you what magic does. We have been down this road. I want nothing to do with it.”
“He’s in my head,” I beg him to listen. “He’s there. He’s always there. It’s torture.”
He shakes his head and puts his toothbrush back. “He’s dead. This is your mind creating one fucked up scenario after another. That’s all. You need to pull it together.” He walks away leaving me a little more broken.
I know sometimes in life we have nobody to count on but ourselves. And as much as I was hoping my husband would help me ride out the worst storms—he isn’t. I guess he doesn’t want to deal with the worst in marriage.
He’s already in bed. I stare at the towel on the floor. I can’t even look at him.
“You are the one person I thought would be there for me. And it hurts to know you aren’t there.” I clutch my chest and try to control my breathing because I am about to lose it. “That’s all. I just want you to know how much it hurts.”
He turns over giving me the courtesy to look at me when he breaks my heart a little more or whatever he is about to do. “All I do is be there for you. And love you because that’s what I want to do. And because you deserve it. But right now you are being selfish. And weak.”
“Weak?” I can’t believe him. I hate him for saying such a thing. “Fuck you for saying that.”
“Do you want me to lie to you?” He sits up. “Do you want me to feed into what’s going on in your mind and tell you Hutch is haunting you?”
“I wouldn’t be this way if I hadn’t met you,” I know its harsh but fuck him. “So fuck you for saying that.”
When I look at him and he looks at me I can tell he is fed up with this entire argument. How dare he be fed up? The least he can do is let me vent.
“Your brother helped me. He can take away the visions. I don’t see him when he does whatever he is doing.” I don’t know what he is doing, I know its magic. But I never asked because I didn’t care, and I don’t care now.
“You know nothing about Dax. In fact, you hated him when he first showed up here.” He scoffs. “If you knew anything about my brother you would know he isn’t doing this to help you. He’s doing everything to help himself. And this isn’t the first time he’s done this.”
I don’t believe that. I believe Dax cares about Slade and me.
“He thinks a lot about you, Slade. He’s a good guy. When is the last time you sat down and saw that?”
“I don’t need to. Because I know how Dax works. You don’t. Stay away from my brother before he gets you killed.” He drops back down on the bed and gives me one final look. “And I mean it.”
Variance
“How does this thing even work anyways?” I ask, holding up the weird breast pump Karsen uses to bottle up what she calls her liquid gold for baby Xavier.
She finishes changing his diaper and neatly binds it together in a cute little package and walks it over to the diaper genie. “You ever see someone milk a cow?”
I smirk and she smirks back. She goes back to the baby and takes a spot on the bed next to him and plays with his little hands. “It’s rather boring. And I would much rather talk about non baby things.”
I know where she is going with this. She is about to tell me she knows that Slade and I are having problems. Why wouldn’t she? Slade and Kidd talk about every move we make bedroom and otherwise.
So I say nothing. I wait for her to say something.
“What exactly is going on between you and Dax?”
“What do you mean?” My eyes go wide at the thought anyone thinks I am sleeping with him. “God. What the hell do you guys talk about around here?”
“I know you wouldn’t sleep with him. I just mean I heard through the grapevine that Dax has been practicing magic with you and that Slade is pissed.”
I sit down on the bed and sigh. Even Xavier looks at me with disappointment and he is just a baby. “I see him. Everywhere.”
“See who?”
“Hutch. It’s like this sick hallucination. It started on our wedding night and there hasn’t been a day since that he hasn’t crept into my life.” I hardly get to talk to Karsen anymore. And I feel relieved to have a level minded person to talk to about this stuff.
“Have you thought about seeing someone about it?” She bites down on her bottom lip and gives me a sympathetic look. “You have lost two important people in your life.”
“Karsen I am not crazy. Slade’s own brother sees him. He saw him the first night he was here. He saw all of them.” Why is it so hard to believe that the dead come back?
She makes a face. “Kidd told me Dax has had a very colourful life with very colourful people.”
“What does that even mean?”
Karsen gives up on trying to use kid gloves with me. “Drugs. He was big into drugs. And orgies I hear.” She paints a lude and crude picture of Dax. One I don’t want to know about.One that doesn’t even matter because I know Dax as the person he is now. Not the person he was years ago. Hell, I gave Slade a chance when everyone was busy judging him. I refuse to do the same to Dax.
“So you are trying to tell me that Dax and I are just a bunch of fruit loops.” I lay down on her bed and stare at the ceiling. “I am not a fruit loop. And I don’t get why my husband blows it all off.”
Karsen puts Xavier between us and lays down too. “Because Slade is scared he ruined you. And he’s too stubborn to deal with that.”
> Mixing
You can feel it in the air—the excitement.
The guys are recording their new album in the studio and the vibe is a good one. For once everyone is together and happy.
I watch Slade in the recording booth.
Karsen stands up with baby Xavier. “I think someone is getting tired.”
Dax offers to take him from her. “I have a way with kids.”
Karsen nods in agreement. “Oh, I know all about your way with kids.”
Dax smirks at her. “Oh no. Kidd got to you.”
Karen bounces the baby. “He told me all about the poor pregnant girl.”
“It wasn’t even mine,” Dax argues.
“Oh, I need to hear this story.” I sit up running my hands together.
Karsen hands over Xavier and takes a seat on the couch ready to tell me all about it.
“This girl told him that she was pregnant, and he threatened to sue her.”
I start laughing. “You have got to be kidding me.”
“He tried to claim he wasn’t going to pay her a cent because he was drunk and he wasn’t in control of his semen.” Karsen shakes her head at Dax.
Dax plays with Xavier’s little hand ignoring our teasing. “I was young. I wasn’t thinking. But this guy is really adorable.”
“He’s more than adorable,” Karsen says. “He’s a sweet baby angel.”
Dax hands him back when he starts to fuss. “I see a bit of a devil right now.” He takes Karsen’s spot when she gets up and leaves the room to take care of Xavier.
“I just keep hearing all kinds of stories about you.”
He runs a hand through his hair. “What can I say I was a fucking mess when I was younger.” He slaps me on the knee. “You might be the only person who has ever thanked me for not ruining their life.”
I laugh at him. “Oh stop. Your brother loves you otherwise you wouldn’t be here. He only keeps the people he likes around.”
Dax nods in agreement. “And that is the truth.”
We fall silent and then Dax speaks up. “Hey. I might not be able to help you with magic. But the tour bus has a huge stockpile of liquor we could have a few drinks. It’s the second best way to run from your demons.”
He offers his hand and I take it. “They aren’t going to be done for a while.”
“So let’s do this,” Dax says.
Pain
Slade voice rips through the bus. He’s angry and I have never seen him this angry.
“What are you doing?” He’s just standing there, looking at me.
I drop the bottle of Jack Daniels on the ground and lift my chin. He will not tell me I am wrong for wanting to numb this. I am going crazy. Hutch is driving me insane.
If I have to do to this to quiet the voices inside of my head I will do it.
Dax stands up, and tries leaving.
“Where do you think you’re going?” Slade closes in on him, he is ready to hit him. Slade picks up the empty bottles and shake his head at the two of us. “You don’t get my wife drunk.”
Dax runs a hand down his face and picks his shirt up from the floor. “Sorry if I can’t remember all the rules.” He stumbles forward and Slade shoves him down onto the couch.
“Fuck you, Slade. I don’t want to sit here and be lectured.” Dax looks at me but I can’t look at him. I feel so stupid for ever agreeing to drinking with him now that I see Slade’s expression.
“Then get the fuck out of here and don’t ever come back.” Slade goes to the door and opens it. “You are making our lives as shitty as they were the last time you came around.”
“Slade,” I can’t let him talk to his brother like that. They care about each other. “Just stop. It wasn’t his idea it was mine,” I try to tell him. It wasn’t, but he doesn’t have to know that.
But Dax leaves before I can fix things.
I get up and pick up the mess we made.
“I can’t leave you alone for an hour without you doing something stupid,” he tells me. He lifts a can of beer and crushes the can tossing it in the sink. “What the fuck were you thinking, Hope?”
“I don’t know.” I shake my head. I can hardly see.
He stands there, taking over the whole room with the amount of anger coming from him. I’ve never seen him so upset with me. But he is.
“What do you want?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?”
“I don’t.” I tell him. I want all of this going on inside of my head to go away so I can feel normal again. I want to be the person I once was before everything changed. Before my dad died. Before Nona died. Before I met Hutch. Even before I came to Cherry. I want it all to go away if that means I have at least a little of my sanity back.
Slade closes his eyes. It all hangs in the air. The realization that maybe things can’t work out. That maybe nothing is perfect and never will be.
“I love you.” He moves forward and take me by the hand. “Don’t you feel that? Doesn’t that make all of this worth it? Why can’t you be happy with what we have?” He grabs a hold of me begging me to believe it.
“I want to be happy. I just don’t know how anymore.”
“This isn’t the way to do that,” he says, looking at the bottles scattered around the room. “This isn’t fixing anything.”
“This makes things tolerable,” I breathe.
“You’re being a coward. You are taking the easy way about because that’s all you know how to do. That’s what your dad taught you.”
“Maybe I am. Maybe I’m meant to be this way.” I touch his arm. “Maybe you looked past.”
“I don’t know what to do,” Slade admits.
The pain going on in the room is too much to take.
“I don’t know either.” I sit down on the couch. “It’s all going to fall apart. It always does.”
Trinket
The guys practiced until late and when Slade returns I am in bed asleep. But he doesn’t let that stop him from climbing in beside me. When he kisses me I can smell beer on his breath. And it’s rare he drinks.
“I hate when you’re mad at me,” he whispers against my ear, his hands slipping under the covers so he can touch me.
I touch his face wanting to do nothing more than comfort him. No matter what I love Slade. I always will love Slade. He’s the best moment in my life. He’s a continuous moment that keeps making me realize how happy I am and can continue to be.
“I don’t want to be mad at you.” I touch his mouth. “None of this is worth fighting with you. That was never my intention.” I only wanted to be better for the both of us.
He knows that. Our happiness is most important to both of us. But when you are battling with things like we are it’s very hard to make yourself happy let alone another person. But I have to give us both credit because we try our hardest to do just that.
Slade and I together are beautiful but we once were a disaster. And I have learned that beautiful things come from dark places.
“I need you to believe in me,” he whispers. “That’s all I need you to do… just believe me.”
I lift my eyes to his and nod. “Okay.”
“I would never let anything happen to you. And I am sorry that everything I said came off like I don’t give a fuck about your feelings. You’re the most important thing Hope.” He touches my face and kisses me.
I run my hands through his hair and smile so glad I am hearing those words. I feel lighter. “I believe you.”
“Thank you for that,” he says. I can sense the relief. My anger with him for hurting my feelings disappears. Maybe he didn’t think I could get over it this time.
And as good as I should feel in the back of my mind I still fear Hutch is waiting to ruin it. And I am so desperate to not let that happen. How can you look the one you love in the eyes and tell them that everything will be all right when you are scared to death it won’t be?
The fear creates a swarm of tears. The
y spill out revealing just how pathetic I am. I don’t want him to see it, but there’s nothing I can do.
“Hope, I don’t want you to cry.”
But my mind takes over and feeds into my fleeing emotions and I can’t hold it in. I’m afraid my mind is capable of horrible things. I am afraid I am losing my mind. And if I am losing it I am afraid I will lose everything we created as a couple. All the love we share could be destroyed with a wave of a hand. And I struggle to breathe. Slade pulls me close and holds me while I cry.
“What do you want me to do? Tell me, and I will do it,” he begs. And I don’t know but I speak anyways.
“I want all of this to go away. Fix me before I lose myself and it’s too late. I don’t want to lose myself.”
“You will not lose yourself.”
“I feel like piece by piece I am disappearing, Slade.”
“You are going to be okay. This will end, and as long as you believe that and believe in me I will fix this.” He kisses me. “And that’s all you need to focus on.”
I believe it. Slade is the one person who can fix everything. And if I have to see Hutch a few more times to get better than I will. If that what it takes to get back to where I need to be I will do it.
But if none of this works. If he can’t fix it I have to realize that I might have to make a different choice. Maybe a choice I don’t want to make. Because I can’t live like this.
I shake my head and kiss him, half crying and half smiling. I need him right now. I crush my lips against his and we join in a twisted mess of emotions. He pushes me down on my back. “You’re beautiful.”
His mouth meets mine, and he kisses me. He moves his way down, from my chin to my neck. And he trails soft kisses down even farther. Down to my neck, and from there to my chest. He pulls my shirt up and keeps going right down to my stomach. He snaps the button on my shorts and goes even farther. Oh god.
He tugs my underwear down and settles between my legs. He fingers me planting delicate kisses against me. I arch my back and let all my stress and anxiety out.
My body fights to get away from him I’m not sure how much more I can handle.