Mike Befeler Paul Jacobson Geezer-lit Mystery Series E-Book Box Set: Retirement Homes Are Murder, Living with Your Kids Is Murder, Senior Moments Are Murder, Cruising in Your Eighties Is Murder

by Mike Befeler

  “Anything else, Mr. Jacobson?”

  “I think you’ve wrung the stone dry.”

  “Bad analogy, Mr. Jacobson. We’ll be speaking again.” With that he departed, leaving Marion and me staring at each other.

  Then Marion said, “Cheer up. I know you’re innocent.”

  “We know it, but Grudion doesn’t act convinced. It’s also scary that there’s a murderer loose on this ship.”

  Marion put her hand to her mouth. “That is a disturbing thought. Still, we can’t let this spoil our cruise.”

  I let out a deep sigh. “I suppose you’re right, although it’s hard for me to think of doing anything right now after finding that poor woman murdered.”

  “You can’t sit here and fret. I’ll figure out something to distract you.” Marion picked up the ship’s newsletter. “Here’s something. If we hurry, we can catch the bingo game in the theater.”

  “That sounds safe. Should be only old goats like us attending.”

  But I was wrong on the attendance speculation. The darn place was crammed full of crazed cruisers of all ages. Young twentysomethings were jumping up and down and waving to buy cards as well as middle-aged men with stomachs escaping their Hawaiian shirts. I guessed they’d forgotten they were heading to Alaska and not Maui. Then there were the white-hairs like Marion and me. I felt like someone might rip the buttons off my shirt to use for bingo tokens. We purchased two cards apiece and settled into seats next to a group of young kids in their sixties who wore matching shirts that read, “Oldsters from Reno.”

  I struck up a conversation with the woman next to me. “Your group doesn’t look that old to me.”

  She laughed. “It’s all relative. We started wearing these shirts around town to bug our grown kids and it caught on.”

  “So being from Reno, all of you are probably well-tuned gamblers.”

  “Absolutely. We’re going to kick butt in bingo and in the casino on this trip.”

  The master of ceremonies came to the microphone and welcomed everyone to the first bingo game of the cruise.

  The audience whooped, led by the Oldsters from Reno who all stood up and waved.

  After a few dumb jokes, he explained that he was Cruise Director Ned Farley from Australia.

  This brought on cat calls of “Bring on the barbie, mate” and “Kangaroo Ned.”

  He explained that his mission in life was to make sure we had a good time.

  An old broad in the first row jumped up, wiggled her hips and shouted, “I’m ready for a good time, Ned.”

  Ned stepped back in mock shock. “Please, madam, not in front of the children.”

  He introduced his assistant, the lovely Danielle from the Netherlands, and the lovely Danielle proceeded to pull bingo numbers out of a large machine that dispensed dancing tokens.

  I started poorly. The first three numbers called didn’t match anything on my cards. Then I got on a roll with two matches on one card and three on the other. I had just reached three in a row on one card when someone jumped up and yelled, “Bingo!”

  “Bull pucky. I was just starting to make progress.”

  “With a crowd this large it will be difficult to win,” Marion said.

  One of the oldsters leaned toward us. “Don’t worry, honey. One of us in this row will win.”

  And sure enough in the fourth game a woman three seats away jumped up with the winning combination. The group broke out into a cheer, “Reno, Reno, Reno . . .”

  I thought I had died and gone to a Nevada crematorium.

  We continued playing and my luck didn’t change. I never got closer than three lined up before some yahoo jumped up, yelling bingo. Oh well. Unlucky at Bingo, lucky at love. I had my bride and my health, except for those fleeting brain cells.

  “Where would you like to go for lunch?” Marion asked after our ignominious defeat at the hands of the Bingo gods.

  “How about a nice picnic in the woods.”

  She tried to swat me, but the old man was too fast for her. In other words, I ducked.

  “Let’s try one of the main dining rooms,” I said once I had danced out of striking range.

  “I’m surprised you want to have a sit-down meal in the middle of the day.”

  “I have my reasons.” I gave her my most mysterious smile and wiggled my eyebrows.

  We discovered that only one of the two main restaurants was open for lunch and waited in a short line before reaching the receptionist.

  “We’d like to sit at one of Erik’s tables,” I informed the young woman with hair in a neat bun.

  “That can be arranged. One moment.”

  “So that was your ulterior motive.”

  “Yes. I thought it would be worthwhile meeting Inese’s boyfriend.”

  “What if he hasn’t heard yet? I’d hate for us to be the first to inform him.”

  “We’ll take it slowly and see what he knows and find out what he tells us.”

  We were seated at a table for two and shortly a handsome young man appeared. I checked out his name tag and verified the name Erik from Estonia.

  He asked for our drink order, we requested iced teas, and he scurried away.

  “If you weren’t here, I’d have to flirt with him,” Marion said.

  “Don’t let me stop you. We need to milk him for any information.”

  We scrutinized the menu and when Erik returned with our drinks, Marion ordered a cobb salad and I chose broiled salmon.

  After he had written down our orders, I began the inquisition. “So tell me Erik, what does a young fella like you do for a social life on this ship?”

  He gave us a pleasant smile. “Not much. I work breakfast, lunch and dinner seven days a week.”

  “Don’t you have some shore time?”

  “Yes. Every cruise there is one day when I’m able to go ashore.”

  “There seem to be many attractive young ladies on the crew. You must have met some of them.”

  “One of the girls in the spa likes to join me for hikes.”

  I winked at him. “Sounds serious.”

  “Oh, no. We’re just friends.”

  He left to place our orders.

  “He obviously hasn’t heard about Inese yet, Paul.”

  “No. Or he’s a good actor. His account coincides with what Inese told me.”

  When our meals arrived I began the interrogation again.

  “So, Erik, you mentioned that you sometimes went hiking with one of the girls in the spa. That wouldn’t by any chance be Inese?”

  His eyes widened. “Why, yes. How did you know that?”

  “She gave me a massage earlier. Have you seen her today?”

  He looked over his shoulder, then back at me. “No. I probably won’t until Wednesday when we both go ashore in Skagway.”

  “Estonia and Latvia are neighboring countries, aren’t they?”

  “Yes, why do you ask?”

  “Just curious.”

  He left, and Marion and I began masticating, me on the fish and her on the salad.

  “I think you should back off, Paul. The young man obviously doesn’t know of Inese’s death.”

  “You’re right. I’ll behave.”

  We each ordered tapioca pudding for dessert and then thanked Erik for his attentive service.

  Back in our room I asked Marion what she would like to do for our afternoon at sea. She picked up the ship newsletter and scanned through it. “Here are some choices: a ping-pong tournament, an art auction, bridge, a shuffleboard tournament and a blackjack tournament in the casino.”

  “Sounds like lots of options for my competitive spirit. I didn’t hear whale watching.”

  “We can do that too.”

  “Okay. What if we enjoy the fresh air on our balcony for a while and then check out the shuffleboard. I can take out my aggression by smacking a puck into someone else’s.”

  “Your anger management system?”

  “Yeah. Something like that.”

  W
e put on jackets and sat outside watching the ocean.

  “Look, a fin,” Marion cried out.

  I jerked my head toward where she pointed.

  “Oh, now it’s disappeared,” she said.

  “Damn. I still haven’t spotted a whale.”

  “Keep looking over there.” She pointed again. “It might breach again.”

  I peeled my trusty eyes, but it did no more good than peeling an orange. Nothing. Nada. Nyet. No useless whales. They were all in hiding and teasing me by appearing only to Marion.

  After a half hour of frustration, we headed up to lucky deck thirteen to participate in the shuffleboard event. The smarmy cruise director stood with a microphone. “All right, ladies and gentlemen. This is a mixed doubles event. Choose your partner.”

  Marion snuggled up against me. “I choose you.”

  “Good. We’ll whip some butt against these young whippersnappers.”

  Marion and I took our turn and did quite well. I couldn’t place the puck worth a tinker’s damn, but I did blast our opponents’ disks to kingdom come several times.

  Afterwards we each received a certificate of participation.

  “This can go right up there with my college degree and the first dollar I earned in my auto parts store those many years ago.”

  “And how about our marriage certificate?”

  “Nah. Doesn’t come close to comparing with that.”

  Marion wanted to wander through the shops, so I excused myself and said I’d meet her back in the cabin before dinner.

  I had my own wandering to do. I headed to the spa but had something else in mind rather than soaking. When I arrived there, I asked to speak to the spa supervisor and was informed that Madeline Bouchon would be with me momentarily.

  As promised, a tall, striking woman with glitter on her nails approached me and introduced herself.

  “Is there a private place where we can speak?” I asked.

  “Yes. Come to my office.”

  I followed her as high heels clacked on the inlaid marble floor. She ushered me into a small office, closed the door and then sat down behind an uncluttered desk.

  “What may I do for you?” she asked.

  “I appreciate you seeing me. I’m here because of the unfortunate incident regarding Inese Zarins.”

  Her full-lipped smile sagged. “We’re all saddened by what happened to Inese.”

  “It appears that she may have had some enemy on the ship. I figured you might have witnessed something that would lead to finding the killer.”

  “Inese wasn’t the most popular person among her co-workers, but there was nothing that would have led to her death.”

  “Why wasn’t she popular?”

  Madeline opened a hand toward me. “Her demeanor. Most of the girls like to talk to each other. Inese was standoffish and didn’t socialize.”

  “Any particular confrontations with people?”

  “No. Just the undercurrent as if she felt superior and it was beneath her to spend time with the other staff members.”

  “I understand she befriended a waiter named Erik.”

  Madeline’s head jerked. “She never spoke of him to me.”

  “Do you know Erik?”

  “Yes. One of the other massage therapists, Renee, has hinted that she had her eye on Erik.”

  “Is Renee around now?”

  “No. She worked the early shift. She’ll be here tomorrow morning at seven.”

  “Can you think of anyone who might have had a grudge against Inese?”

  “No. No one. But I’m curious. Why are you asking these questions?”

  I thought for a moment about being evasive and then decided, what the heck, I’d tell the truth. “I was her customer when she died.”

  Madeline stood up. “You’re that man. Norbert Grudion says you could be the murderer.”

  Chapter 8

  “Just a minute,” I said to Madeline, the spa supervisor. “I happened to be there when someone killed Inese, and that’s why I’m trying to get to the bottom of this situation. I had nothing to do with her death but want to clear myself of any false accusations.”

  “I shouldn’t be talking to you. I’ll have to report this to Norbert.”

  “Do whatever you feel you need to, but be assured I did nothing to harm Inese.”

  I found myself summarily escorted out of the office.

  Having done myself more harm than good, I returned to the cabin to await Marion. While stewing over my predicament, the phone rang. I answered it to hear the voice of my walking companion from the morning, Andrew Black.

  “I’m calling to confirm that we’re meeting for dinner tonight.”

  “Absolutely. My bride and I are anticipating it, and I’m looking forward to meeting your wife.”

  “Good. We also want to get acquainted with Marion. We’ll see you at seven o’clock outside the Regal Room.”

  “We’ll be there with bells on.”

  Marion returned and we spruced up for our dinner date. I forced a tie around my neck for “formal” night.

  “I don’t know if this is good for a guy my age. This neck contraption is cutting off my circulation. I might keel over into the soup from lack of oxygen.”

  Marion gave me a stare that made me feel like she had thrown a dart at me. “Don’t be a sissy.”

  “I know. Real men gasp but don’t complain about wearing ties.”

  We met Andrew and his wife Helen at the appropriate time. Helen was a short brunette who greeted us with a warm smile and a tinge of a southern accent.

  “I don’t think you were raised in Omaha,” I said.

  She laughed. “Biloxi.”

  The hostess led us to a table with a view out the stern, and a young waiter named Ciro from Spain helped us with our napkins.

  “I have the best people on the ship to serve tonight,” Ciro said with a smile that lit up the room.

  “I don’t know about that, but you may have one of the oldest in me,” I said.

  He opened his mouth wide and stepped back, feigning shock. “Not you, sir. You don’t look any older than my father and he’s forty-two.”

  “He must have aged quickly.”

  “No, the mountain air of the Pyrenees has kept him most youthful.”

  “You’ll have to bottle some of it for me,” I replied. “In the meantime you can bring us all drinks from the ship’s fountain of youth.”

  He took our drink orders and dashed off.

  “So how did you two meet?” Marion asked Helen.

  “I moved into Yankee territory and met Andrew in Chicago.”

  “And I was the luckiest man in the world to be in Marshall Fields on that Saturday when I accidentally bumped into this gorgeous woman.”

  “You met her in the store?” Marion asked.

  “No. I knocked her over. I was in a rush and wasn’t paying attention. I mowed her down, knocking packages everywhere. The only recourse was to buy her a cup of coffee. We were married three months later.”

  “The impetuousness of youth,” I said. “Marion and I had a courtship that spanned three states and part of the Pacific Ocean. I’ll let her recount it since with my short-term memory loss I only know what she’s told me.”

  “Paul and I met in Hawaii in a retirement home. Then I moved back to the mainland. While he was living with his son in Colorado, I visited him twice. On the second occasion he proposed to me. Then we were married in Venice Beach, California, where we now reside. We’re newlyweds of one month.”

  “That calls for a toast,” Andrew said. He signaled Ciro and ordered a bottle of champagne.

  When the bubbly arrived, we all raised our glasses.

  “To romance, friendship and long life,” Andrew said.

  “I’ll drink to that,” I said. “All noble attributes.”

  We all recounted our life histories and enjoyed a robust meal. As I patted a full stomach, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see Erik standing there, a scowl on his face
. He pointed a finger at me. “I need to speak with you.”

  I shrugged. “Go ahead.”

  He looked across our table. “I’d prefer to step over to the side so we can talk in private.”

  I figured I might learn something. “Why not?” I stood and faced my companions. “Excuse me for a moment.” Then I followed Erik over to a corner of the room.

  In a soft but firm voice he said, “I just heard that Inese was killed today. You were questioning me at lunch when you knew all about it. I even discovered that you’re a suspect in her murder.”

  “Hold your horses,” I said. “I didn’t feel it appropriate to break the news to you. I had nothing to do with her death, but I’m trying to find out what happened since I’m being unjustly suspected by the security man on this ship.”

  He continued to glare at me. “If I find out you had anything to do with her death, you’ll be sorry.” He turned and stalked away.

  I returned to the table.

  “What was that all about?” Andrew asked.

  I explained finding Inese’s body in the spa room that morning, being on Grudion’s suspect list, speaking with Erik at lunch to try to gain some information to clear my name and now hearing that Erik was upset with me.

  “That’s awful that a young woman died on our ship,” Helen said.

  “You can imagine how devastated we were,” Marion added.

  “She was a nice woman.” I shook my head. “I was shocked to find her dead on the floor.”

  “I can understand why you want to clear your name,” Andrew said. “I once had false accusations levied against me. It’s not a pleasant situation.”

  “How’d you resolve it?” Marion asked.

  “Just like Paul is doing. I had to find evidence pointing to the real culprit. Even then there were people who never quite trusted me again.”

  “This is a pisser, pardon the French,” I said. “I have the security officer breathing down my neck, an irate boyfriend threatening me, and I didn’t do anything more than have a massage. I may have to limit any future back rubs to what Marion might be willing to give me.”

  “I may be able to help you,” Andrew said, “with proving your innocence, not with a massage.”

  “Any assistance would be gratefully accepted.”

  “I have some contacts that should provide useful.”