Mike Befeler Paul Jacobson Geezer-lit Mystery Series E-Book Box Set: Retirement Homes Are Murder, Living with Your Kids Is Murder, Senior Moments Are Murder, Cruising in Your Eighties Is Murder

by Mike Befeler

  Deciding that was enough fun for one evening, I moseyed over to watch Marion who held a container full of silver.

  “How’s it going?” I asked.

  She was concentrating so hard, she hadn’t noticed me sneaking up on her. “Oh, Paul, when did you arrive?”

  “Just now, after wasting a little money.”

  “I’m winning.” Her Cheshire cat grin appeared. “But I don’t want you watching over my shoulder. You’ll bring me bad luck.”

  “I don’t want to interfere with your streak. I’ll meet you back in the cabin.”

  She gave me a half-hearted wave and continued to feed quarters into the machine. The only difference was that after two quarters, her machine spat out forty quarters.

  “I’ll be horn-swoggled. These machines never do that for me.”

  “You just need to have the touch, Paul.”

  “Which apparently I don’t.”

  I decided to make one pass outside on the promenade deck to view the scenery of the extended Alaskan dusk. Even at this late hour it was still light. Little islands peeked out of the water as we passed a coastline of rich forests.

  Then with my addled brain full of images of the wonders of nature, I headed back to our stateroom to document my adventures and to eat chocolate before I fell asleep on it.

  * * * * *

  The next morning I awoke to the sound of someone pounding on a door. My eyes scanned an unfamiliar little room, and I discovered a woman lying next to me in bed. Where was I, and who was she?

  The pounding continued.

  My companion didn’t budge so I lifted the covers, plunked my feet onto the floor and padded over to open the door.

  A red-haired man in a white uniform stood there, a scowl on his face.

  “I don’t remember calling a paramedic,” I said.

  “Mr. Jacobson, I need to ask you to join me in the captain’s quarters.”

  I scratched my head. “Who the heck are you and what captain are you referring to? I’m not in the navy anymore.”

  “This concerns what you did last night.”

  “That will be a short conversation. We can do it right here. Last night is a blank. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to find out who the woman in my room is.”

  I started to close the door, but he inserted a large polished black shoe in the way. “Not so fast, Mr. Jacobson. This is a serious matter.”

  “I’ll say. I still don’t know who you are.”

  A heard a rustling behind me. “Paul, let me speak to Mr. Grudion.”

  I turned around to see the woman sitting up in bed. She was fully clad in a flannel nightgown.

  “Mr. Grudion, Paul can’t remember anything from yesterday. If you give him a chance to read his journal, he will be more useful in answering any questions you have.”

  “What journal?” I asked.

  She pointed to a stack of paper on the nightstand.

  Grudion stepped inside and stood with his arms crossed.

  I picked up the papers and began to read. I’m sure my eyes widened as I discovered I was married to this woman named Marion who had been sleeping with me, that the red-haired intruder was head of security on the Scandinavian Sea Line’s Sunshine taking my bride and me on an Alaskan cruise and that I had been linked to two murders and several other incidents.

  “This is a hell of a way for an old fart to wake up.”

  “Are you ready to put on your clothes and join me?” Grudion asked.

  “I suppose so. You serving breakfast?”

  “Mr. Jacobson, this is not a laughing matter.”

  “I have no clue what kind of matter it is, but I know I’m hungry. Give me a minute to find some clothes.”

  I searched through the miniscule closet, extracted a pair of pants and a shirt, retrieved underwear, undershirt and socks from a drawer and slipped into this tiny bathroom to change. Good thing I didn’t have arthritis or I never would have been able to negotiate the tight space. Once presentable, I emerged and found some tennis shoes to put on.

  “Mr. Grudion, do you want me to join you as well?” Marion asked.

  “Not at this time, Mrs. Jacobson. I need to speak with your husband first, and then I’ll talk to you later.”

  “Why all the mystery?” I asked. ”You sound like you’re planning to interrogate me.”

  “Exactly, Mr. Jacobson.”

  “Have it your own way. It’ll be a short interview. All I know is what I just read in my diary.”

  “Then we’ll see what you have to say from that.”

  Grudion held the door open for me and then followed me out.

  “Go toward the central elevator,” he said.

  “I’d be happy to, but I don’t know where it is.”

  “Yah, to the right.”

  “Why all the interest in me?”

  He harrumphed but said no more. We entered an elevator, which we had to ourselves, and ascended to the fourteenth deck.

  “So we’re up in the high-rent district,” I said as we exited.

  “Second door on the right.”

  We entered a spacious cabin with walnut wood paneling, marble counters and a large window overlooking water and emerald green shoreline. Two men in full dress whites sat in chairs. Grudion pointed to a seat for me and then joined the other two.

  Not one smile appeared on the three faces. The man who appeared to be the captain from the epaulettes on his shoulders had a distinguished short white beard and intense blue eyes. The other man’s square jaw and steel eyes gave no hint of warmth.

  “Let the inquisition begin,” I said.

  “Mr. Jacobson, this is a very serious matter,” Captain Whitebeard said. “I met you the first night of the cruise when you joined me for dinner.”

  “I don’t remember that, but I read about it in my journal. To set the record straight for all you fine gentlemen, I’m at a significant disadvantage. I have short-term memory loss and can’t recall anything concerning this cruise before this morning. I’ll help any way I can from what I kept in my diary.”

  The captain continued. “First Officer Henricks, Mr. Grudion and I need to ask you some questions.”

  “Fire away.”

  “First, what did you do last night after dinner?”

  “I can’t say for sure, but I’d be happy to share what I wrote in my journal. I went to the magic show with my wife and Andrew and Helen Black. Then my wife and I joined Mrs. Ellen Hargrave in the Rendezvous Lounge. Afterward, I accompanied Mrs. Hargrave back to her room before joining my wife in the casino. Then I retired for the night.”

  “Did you go into Mrs. Hargrave’s suite?”

  “Yes. To look at a map of Glacier Bay.”

  “What time was that?”

  “I don’t remember, but it must have been within an hour of the time the show ended.”

  I noticed Grudion was jotting notes on a pad of paper.

  “After leaving Mrs. Hargrave’s room, who can vouch for your whereabouts?”

  “My wife saw me in the casino and I apparently went to sleep before she returned. Why all the questions?”

  The captain cleared his throat. “When the maid entered Mrs. Hargrave’s cabin this morning, Mrs. Hargrave had disappeared. There was blood on the balcony railing, and you were the last person reported to be with her.”

  Chapter 14

  I gulped at the news of Mrs. Hargrave’s disappearance. It suddenly dawned on me what deep doo-doo I had stepped in. I had read that the maid had seen me in Mrs. Hargrave’s cabin the night before.

  “She was in fine fettle when I left her cabin. In fact, Anita was turning down the bed.”

  “I thought you had a memory problem, Mr. Jacobson,” Grudion said, a cruel smile crossing his lips.

  “I do.” I tapped my temple. “But I read pretty good, and that was in my journal.”

  The captain stared at me. “Anita reported seeing both of you in the cabin, but then she left. That corroborates you were the last person known to be
with Mrs. Hargrave.”

  Crap. Things were stacking up against me. “Someone else obviously came on the scene after I left. Wasn’t anyone else spotted in the hallway or didn’t other passengers hear any commotion?”

  “There were raised voices overheard.”

  “There you go.” I opened my hands toward my inquisitors. “And besides, I had no motive.”

  Grudion stared at me intently. “Actually, you did have a motive. Anita reported that you and Mrs. Hargrave were arguing when she left the cabin. Your voices were also heard by a passenger in the corridor. So, Mr. Jacobson, you argued with Mrs. Hargrave, were there alone with her and had the means to kill her. Would you like to make a statement?”

  “Yes. I didn’t do anything to Mrs. Hargrave.” I thought over what I had documented in my diary. “But I’d suggest checking with her nephew and niece, Gary and Gina. They might have visited her after I left.”

  “We have. They both state they didn’t see their aunt last night.”

  “Talk to them again,” I said. “I suspect they’re jealous that Mrs. Hargrave was seeking a long-lost niece who would decrease their inheritance.”

  “We’ve been over this before,” Grudion said, pointing a finger at me. “I think you killed Mrs. Hargrave. You attempted to injure her twice before, tried to kill her by switching her medicine and this time you succeeded.”

  “Wait a Goddamn minute. I have no reason to do anything to Mrs. Hargrave. She’s a nice lady. Whereas Gary and Gina both gain an inheritance if she’s dead. Plus they’re motivated to make it happen before she splits her loot with a third relative.”

  “I don’t know if you committed a crime from anger or if you’re a serial killer, Mr. Jacobson.” Grudion narrowed his gaze at me. “I had that report concerning the death of a homeless man in Seattle before you boarded the ship.”

  “No. I’m not any type of killer. I’m just an old fart who somehow got in the middle of all of this.”

  “You had access to Mrs. Hargrave, an opportunity to kill her and motive—anger over an argument.” Grudion ticked off three fingers.

  “Gentlemen, I want to solve this as much as you do. But you have to keep searching because if you only focus on me, the real killer will escape.”

  Grudion grimaced. “I need to interview your wife.”

  “Am I free to leave?”

  Grudion looked toward the other two. “You have nowhere to go since the ship is sailing all day today. Just don’t return to your cabin until I’ve had a chance to speak with your wife.”

  I remembered reading that Andrew Black had invited me to join him for a walk this morning. “Fine. I’ll be on the walking track.”

  I departed, descended the stairs one flight and went outside to see the beauty of Alaska in the bright morning sun.

  My stomach was churning as if I were seasick. How did I end up in this predicament? What could I do? Maybe Andrew Black could provide some advice and council. I would have to locate him.

  I strolled the wrong way on the track and in half a lap, a man stopped me.

  “Paul, you made it.”

  “Are you Andrew Black?” I asked.

  “The same.” He chuckled. “You remembered to come even if you didn’t recognize me.”

  “I figured if you were here, you’d eventually accost me.”

  “So, Paul, how are you this fine morning?”

  “Not so good. Mrs. Hargrave has disappeared and the ship Gestapo are blaming me.”

  “That’s absurd.”

  “You and I know it but tell that to Grudion.”

  “I’ll have to speak with him again.”

  “Just be careful. He’s apt to accuse you of being my accomplice.”

  “I’ll take my chances. Now tell me exactly what happened.”

  I summarized that the maid found blood but no Mrs. Hargrave and how I had been in the wrong place at the wrong time last night with my hair-trigger temper.

  “You get mad often?” Andrew asked.

  “Only when arguing about glaciers.”

  After we had completed our laps, we parted, and Andrew promised to call me after he tracked down Grudion. When I returned to the cabin, Marion was out on the balcony watching the coastline.

  “I just saw a whale, Paul.”

  “What! Without me?”

  “You’ll see one eventually.”

  “I don’t know. They’ve been consistently avoiding me so far. How was your discussion with Grudion?”

  “He thinks you did something to Mrs. Hargrave, but I assured him that you wouldn’t have harmed her.”

  “Thanks for the endorsement, but I‘m sure he didn’t believe you.”

  “He was skeptical, but I made sure he heard my reasoning. And I asked him a question.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yes. I inquired if he had found Mrs. Hargrave’s cane in her room.”

  “And the answer was?”

  “At first he didn’t want to tell me anything, but finally he admitted that they had found no cane.”

  “Interesting.”

  “I think so. I would have expected the cane to be lying somewhere in her cabin.”

  “Unless someone pitched it over the side with her.”

  “Anyway, on a more pleasant note, we’re approaching the glacier. Come see.”

  And sure enough, the ship was sailing slowly alongside a humongous chunk of ice.

  I sat down with Marion. “Tell me more of your tête-à-tête with Grudion.”

  “He asked me what time I had seen you in the casino. Fortunately, I had checked my watch so I was able to be accurate.”

  “I thought you were too wrapped up in winning quarters to notice the time of day.”

  “I dropped a quarter and that was when I happened to look at my watch. Then he asked what time I returned to the stateroom afterwards. I was less exact on that.”

  “Did he say he was coming to clamp me in irons?”

  “No, but you obviously are his prime suspect.”

  “I should charge him with geezer discrimination.”

  “You don’t like all the attention?”

  “From you, yes, but not from him.”

  I looked out at the scenery. Through a valley of jet-black rock sprinkled with specks of ice flowed a huge jagged mound of white. Even in the now overcast sky, parts of the ice flow appeared turquoise. At the water’s edge pillars of ancient ice rose as high as our tenth deck suite. Chunks of ice floated in the water. I stood up and leaned over the railing. No dead bodies floated there, only a seagull on a small iceberg. Returning to my chair, I watched as Marion snapped a picture of the scene.

  “Do you suppose we’ll see ice calving?” I asked.

  “I hope so. I want a picture if it happens.”

  The ship was moving extremely slowly to give us a good long view.

  “There’s a precarious outcropping of ice that’s ready to break off.” I pointed.

  We waited.

  Nothing happened.

  Then cracking sounds rang out, and chunks started to fall.

  “Camera ready,” I shouted.

  Louder cracking and then a whole side of ice came crashing down to splash into the sound. A wave flowed out to shake the ice cubes floating in the water.

  “That was spectacular,” Marion said. “I took the picture just in time.”

  Additional pieces began to break off. As we sailed by, we saw half a dozen major sections of ice crash into the water.

  “Reminds me I need to use the restroom,” I said.

  * * * * *

  When I returned, Marion immediately accosted me. “Now, Paul. There’s something you need to do.”

  “I know. Find a whale.”

  “No. You have to take your pills.”

  “But I hate pills.”

  “Your doctor’s orders are to take these twice a day.” Marion headed inside, reached in a drawer, extracted a container and handed me three horse pills.

  “You’ve got to be kidding. I c
an’t swallow these rocks.”

  She glared at me. “Don’t give me any guff. Fill a glass with water and be cooperative.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  Somehow I managed to swallow them. “It’s a good thing I can’t remember overnight. I’d hate to know each morning that I had to go through this.”

  “That’s what I’m here for. To enforce that you take your medication.”

  “I hope that’s not your only role.”

  “My other job is to remind you to come watch the glacier.”

  We returned to the balcony to see chunks of ice still falling. I enjoyed the view as we sailed toward another glacier, this one blanketed in black.

  “Looks like it’s covered with soot,” Marion said.

  “It must have picked up a little debris along the way. Kind of like my mental faculties.”

  Marion reached over and gave me a hug. “You do fine except for your one little flaw.”

  “Are you referring to my memory or my temper?”

  At that moment someone knocked on the door. I opened it to find a waiter holding a breakfast tray.

  “I ordered room service while you were off with Grudion,” Marion said.

  We feasted while the ship completed a half circle of the bay and headed back whence we had come.

  “All this cold water and ice makes me ready to sit in the hot tub,” I said. “You want to join me?”

  “Sure. That’s the warmest place on the ship.”

  We gathered our swim gear, trudged to the spa, changed and soon were soaking in the 104-degree warmth.

  “I’m glad you’re here to protect me, Marion. I read in my journal that the last time I came to the Jacuzzi on my own, a guy passed out and I was accused of hurting him.”

  “I’ll be happy to be your bodyguard.”

  “And I’ll be happy to reciprocate by guarding your body every chance I get.”

  Duly prunized, we donned our white robes and lay down on lounge chairs to look out the back windows. The overcast had changed into a light drizzle and rain drops coursed down the slanted window.

  We passed another glacier and I relaxed in the warmth of the spa, watching the ice outside and listening to the chirps of tropical birds. For the first time in my life I had the desire to buy a shotgun and hunt fowl.