Mike Befeler Paul Jacobson Geezer-lit Mystery Series E-Book Box Set: Retirement Homes Are Murder, Living with Your Kids Is Murder, Senior Moments Are Murder, Cruising in Your Eighties Is Murder

by Mike Befeler

  “How does that book compare with our recent adventures?”

  “Much tamer.”

  I stuck my head out the sliding door to our balcony, and a gust of fresh air cooled my face. We had to be approaching Seattle. I ducked back in and closed the door. “I’m not sleepy. I think I’ll go walk around a little.”

  “Well, you’ll have to do it on your own. I can hardly keep my eyes open.”

  I put on my windbreaker, gave Marion a kiss and left the room. The elevator area was deserted as well as the promenade deck. I went outside and hung over the railing, watching the ocean rush past and listening to the whoosh of water striking the hull. It should have been a soothing sound for me, but my tummy was jittery. I still had one more issue to deal with. It was probably just as well that I wasn’t sleepy. I figured I might as well stay up all night—there wasn’t much of it left anyway—and I wouldn’t do the Jacobson reset. I would keep my limited wits about me.

  Somewhere out in those waters, the elusive whales were frolicking. Would I ever see a whale or would Bearhurst haul me off to be locked in the Seattle slammer? No wonder I couldn’t sleep when I had that still looming over me as well as whales mocking me.

  My reverie was interrupted by a tap on my shoulder. I spun around to find Gary Hargrave standing there.

  “Couldn’t sleep?” he asked

  “No. I decided to count whales instead of sheep.”

  “Me too. After all the excitement at Butchard Gardens I needed some sea air.” He paused. “I owe you an apology.”

  “Do tell.”

  “I’m sorry I tried to push you into the salmon vat.”

  I wagged a finger at him. “You weren’t expecting a chain reaction where I’d knock your aunt over.”

  He hung his head. “I suppose you’re right.”

  “Well, we’ll consider it even. I suspected you and Gina of killing Inese and knocking your aunt over her balcony.”

  He shook his head. “Aunt Ellen is a piece of work. Imagine staging her own disappearance.”

  “And hiding out for two days just to see how you and Gina reacted. Quite a devious woman.”

  “She didn’t amass her fortune by being a pushover.”

  “Except when someone bumps into her on ship stairs or at a salmon hatchery. How about a cup of coffee?”

  “Sure.”

  We adjourned to the all-night café and had a cup of early-morning java. By then a faint glow of dawn was appearing and we could see the lights of Seattle ahead.

  Gary told me that he, Ellen and Gina planned to tour the Northwest for a few days once Ellen cleared up her little stunt with the authorities.

  Still not sleepy, I shook Gary’s hand, wished him well and headed back to my cabin. I turned on the desk lamp and proceeded to update my journal. I could then reread it if I was ever tempted to go on a cruise again.

  Fortunately, Marion was a sound sleeper so the light and my pen scratching didn’t seem to bother her. Now all I had to await was the arrival of Detective Bearhurst.

  Chapter 25

  After we docked, I adjourned to our balcony to watch small boats maneuver in Elliott Bay. My reverie was interrupted by a knock on the door. I ambled into the cabin.

  Marion stirred but didn’t wake up, so I opened the door to peek out.

  Mr. Grudion and another man stood there.

  “Mr. Jacobson, Detective Bearhurst and I need to speak with you.”

  I stepped outside. “Let’s go somewhere else. My wife is still asleep.”

  “My office,” Grudion said.

  He led the way down the corridor.

  “You two are early birds,” I said, panting to keep up with Grudion.

  Detective Bearhurst looked at me. “Seems the same can be said of you. You’re already dressed.”

  “I stayed up all night. At my age I don’t need much sleep, and I had an exciting night.”

  “That’s what I understand.”

  After an elevator ride and short dash down the corridor, we arrived at a secret part of the ship that I didn’t remember seeing, although, except for the last two days with my sex-induced-and-lack-of-sleep memory, who could have told?

  Grudion unlocked a door and ushered us into a tiny office littered with reports. He cleared off two chairs, and Bearhurst and I sat down facing each other. Since there were no other chairs, Grudion remained standing.

  Bearhurst cleared his throat. “Now regarding the matter of the murder of Carl “Curly” Atkins last Sunday.”

  “You’ll have to excuse me, Detective. I have a short-term memory problem. I can’t remember last Sunday from squid soup, but I keep a journal as a memory aid. I wrote about finding a body in a garden in Seattle. I only wrote a first name of Curly. I want to make sure we’re speaking of the same event.”

  “That’s correct.” He looked at me directly, his full, round face thoughtful. “You also contacted me last week suggesting that I check out another street person named Lumpy. Turns out that is Bartholomew Holubar, also known affectionately as Lumpy.”

  I shrugged. “I remember reading the name Lumpy in my diary.”

  Suddenly, a smile appeared on Bearhurst’s face. “Well, I want to thank you for that lead. There was a red bandanna on the victim. That bandanna had a bloody fingerprint on it that didn’t match the victim. When we located Holubar he had a knife in his possession and his right index fingerprint matched the one on the bandanna. When confronted with the evidence, Holubar confessed to murdering Curly Atkins. They had some sort of grudge that got carried away.”

  My mouth dropped open. Then I regained control. “So I’m no longer a suspect?”

  “Well, there is still the matter of you assisting the computer thief at the hotel.”

  My shoulders sagged.

  “Don’t worry, Mr. Jacobson,” Bearhurst said, giving me a slap on the back. “We captured the thief. He was part of a snatch-and-grab ring and admitted to no inside accomplice. You’re one hundred percent clean.”

  “And to think, I didn’t even take a shower this morning.”

  “And, Mr. Jacobson, I want to express my appreciation again for helping solve the murder.” He reached out a big bear of a hand and gave my limp hand a shake.

  “I’ll be damned. So I’m clear of all charges.”

  Grudion now smiled. “Yah, completely. Both in Seattle and on the Scandinavian Sea Lines Sunshine.”

  I let out my breath. “That’s a big relief.”

  “And I’d like to give you a little memento.” Grudion opened a bag he was holding and handed me a box.

  I opened it and found a stone sculpture of a whale mounted on a pedestal.

  “Hey, this is great,” I said, turning it around in my hands. “I’ve been looking for a whale the whole cruise and this is the first one I’ve seen. May I return to my cabin now?”

  “Yah. We just needed to close out with you.”

  “Have a great stay the rest of your time in Seattle,” Bearhurst added. “And stay out of trouble.”

  “Me? I never get in trouble.”

  Both Grudion and Bearhurst exchanged glances.

  I practically floated back to my stateroom.

  Marion had awakened, so I showed her the whale sculpture.

  “We can add this to the rest of your collection when we get home, Paul.”

  “Rest of my collection?”

  “Yes. You’ve built up quite a set of gifts from law enforcement officers. A butterfly collection from Hawaii, a picture of the Boulder jail and a receipt for a paid fine for illegal grunion fishing.”

  “Grunion fishing? I’ve just escaped from being hooked by Grudion, maybe they’re related. I’m sure there are some interesting stories there, but I don’t remember any of them.”

  “But I do. I’ll tell you all about it later. Now if you’ll give me half an hour, we can discuss it over breakfast.”

  “Fine. I think I’ll take a short stroll on deck while you get ready.”

  I headed up the stairs whil
e agitated tourists frantically scrambled around, preparing to disembark. I didn’t dare go in the cafeteria for fear of having my fingers bitten off by people trying to eat the last remaining food before being forced to leave the ship.

  The jogging track was deserted, so I had an opportunity to collect my thoughts in the calmness of early morning. The sun shone, the water glistened, I was clear of all crime charges, I was married to a wonderful woman, I had my health except for a minor matter of some dysfunctional brain cells, and I had survived Alaska. Life was good. If I had just seen one of those damn whales. Oh, well. I had a whale sculpture courtesy of Grudion and the Scandinavian Sea Lines. That would have to suffice.

  After circling the deck once, I spotted Andrew Black racing toward me. He screeched to a stop in front of me, gasping for air. “I was worried about you. The last I saw of you, the police were escorting you through Butchart Gardens in handcuffs.”

  “Yeah, there was a little scuffle in the Japanese Gardens and the Mounties rounded all of us up.”

  “You going to leave me in suspense or tell me what occurred?”

  “Not much happened. A Latvian crime boss and his cohort abducted Ellen Hargrave’s niece; Erik the waiter and the cohort turned on the crime lord; Ellen Hargrave, who we all thought had fallen overboard, reappeared having faked her disappearance; Julian Armour blundered onto the scene and almost got himself killed; Grudion appeared; Marion shot eye-irritating perfume at the bad guys; Kimo and his wife Haddie crashed down on some of the criminals; the police arrested all of us; Grudion convinced the Mounties to release the good guys; Julian Armour became my best buddy; Ellen found her long-lost niece; and all is right in the world except I haven’t seen a Goddamn whale.”

  Andrew screeched to a halt and grabbed my arm. “Just a minute, Paul. I don’t want the Reader’s Digest version. Tell me the whole story.”

  “I think they’ll kick us off the ship before I can complete that.”

  “Give it your best shot.”

  So for the next twenty minutes we walked and I recounted the nefarious adventures in and around Butchart Gardens.

  “I must say knowing you, Paul, has made this cruise exciting.”

  “And I think it’s time for this geezer to return home and relax. This vacation has enervated me.”

  “I’m sure you always find ways to make life around you interesting.”

  “That’s what my bride accuses me of. And I want to thank you for all your support. It was very helpful having someone believing in me and helping convince Grudion that I wasn’t Bonnie and Clyde rolled into one person.”

  “I knew you were innocent of all charges.”

  “I’m certainly glad that viewpoint prevailed.”

  “And, Paul, you recognized me this morning.”

  “Darn right. I stayed up all night so my memory is fine even if the rest of me is dragging a little.”

  “You’re quite the dedicated athlete, being up here this morning.”

  “I guess the same can be said of you.”

  Andrew chuckled. “You’re right. Everyone else is frantically preparing to depart and we two are strolling around oblivious to all the craziness.”

  “Two old farts acting like a calm port in a storm of tourist frenzy.”

  “Helen thinks I’m nuts to charge up here every morning, but it keeps me in shape.” He patted his stomach.

  “Marion’s the same way. But they wouldn’t appreciate it if we turned into blimps either.”

  “Women are never satisfied.”

  “Can’t live with them, can’t live without them. What are your plans next?”

  “Helen and I will be taking a tour of Seattle and then flying out late this afternoon. And you?”

  “I’ll have to check with my tour guide. I think we’re heading to the airport right after disembarking.”

  We stopped and leaned on the railing overlooking Elliott Bay.

  “This has been an interesting week,” I said. “I only wish I had seen a whale.”

  “Cheer up. You’ll just have to come back again.” He regarded his watch. “I better go retrieve Helen.”

  We shook hands and both headed back to our respective cabins.

  Marion was out of the bathroom, so I took a quick shower.

  Then we took the elevator down for breakfast and survived our last shipboard meal without losing any of our digits before returning to our cabin to retrieve our overnight bags. As we awaited the announcement of our color code to leave the ship, I looked around our stateroom one last time.

  “Quite a honeymoon,” Marion said.

  “And we survived to tell the kids about it.”

  “Maybe we could hide on this ship and just go on the next cruise,” I said, “like Ellen Hargrave hiding from everyone in a different cabin.”

  “I don’t think it would work. Since they scan our ID cards every time we leave the ship, they’d know we were still here.”

  “But they’d have to find us. You now know a good hiding place in a closet in the casino.”

  “Don’t remind me. I’m glad they have that horrible Erik locked away.”

  “I’m grateful he only chloroformed you and didn’t try to kill you like he did Inese.”

  Marion shuddered. “What a horrible way to go.”

  “Let’s think of more happy things, like how I finally saw a whale, if only a gift sculpture.”

  Marion patted my arm. “I’m glad that’s taken care of.”

  Then with my sleepless night, I remembered something. “I promised Jennifer that I’d call to tell her everything that happened.”

  “Well, you can’t lie to your granddaughter.” Marion fixed up the cell phone for me and I placed the call.

  Jennifer answered. “I’ve been anxious to hear all the gory details.”

  “How long do you have?”

  “An hour before my tennis game.”

  “I think we can handle it in that time.”

  “So was it Gary or Erik that murdered Inese?”

  “Erik. The slimeball was out to take over Karlis Zarins’s operation.”

  “Like I had suggested.”

  “Exactly. Your private investigation instincts were right on.”

  “But, Grandpa, I’ve decided to be something as well as a private eye.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I also want to be a tennis pro.”

  I chuckled. “Is your tennis game improving that much?”

  “Yup. I want to see how far I can go with tennis.”

  “Give it your best shot and see.”

  “Now tell me exactly what happened.”

  I recounted the whole saga: Ellen Hargrave reappearing, Mounties, flying Hawaiian private investigators, crushed posies and Victoria’s scenic jail.

  “And you’re free of all accusations now, Grandpa.”

  “Yes. Free as a bird.”

  “So the trip was worthwhile.”

  “You could say that. I had my beautiful bride with me, and I survived. Only thing is I never saw a live whale. But I think I’m ready for calm Venice Beach after this.”

  “I don’t know, Grandpa. Wherever you go, something weird occurs.”

  “I’m getting along in years. Maybe things will slow down soon.”

  “You’ll keep going, Grandpa. After all you are a Jacobson.”

  “That’s right. I have to maintain the family reputation and keep up with my granddaughter. You whap the ball hard and straight.”

  “Okey dokey, Grandpa.”

  After I finished the call, Marion said, “You should phone our friend Meyer Ohana. He likes to hear from you.”

  I did the cell phone routine again, and after asking for Meyer, a man’s voice came on.

  “Is this the old coot who used to keep criminals off the streets in Hawaii?” I asked.

  “The same.”

  “Greetings from the Pacific Northwest, the land of crime and no-show whales.”

  “If you’re not calling from jail, you must
have resolved the murder accusation.”

  “All taken care of. Plus all the problems I ran into on the ship.”

  “It sounds like a good story there. Since I have nothing to do except listen to television today, why don’t you entertain me with your exploits.”

  “Since it is all fresh in my usually soggy memory, I can do that.”

  “Does that suggest a little romance has transpired?”

  “Yes, but I also stayed up last night so as not to undergo the Jacobson reset. Now if you’ll quit interrupting I’ll give you the whole scoop.” I proceeded to recount my whole cruise saga.

  “What a life you live, Paul.”

  “The operative word being ‘live’ so far. You never can tell when the grim reaper will collect his due.”

  “I’m sure you have many years ahead.”

  “Well, I’ll keep kicking until they drag me away.”

  “Do you want to say hello to Henry Palmer?”

  I thought back to what I had read in my journal. “He’s the guy who always insults me.”

  “That’s him. It’s his way of showing you that he cares.”

  “I guess I can handle some verbal abuse, particularly since Grudion and Detective Bearhurst are now my best buddies.”

  There was a pause and then a raspy voice said, “Hello, asshole.”

  I decided to jump into the swing of things, “Hello to you too, butt face.”

  Henry actually laughed, although it came out like a croak. “It’s good to hear your voice.”

  That floored me more than being insulted. “Yeah . . . well . . . I survived a cruise and will be heading back to Venice Beach soon.”

  “Marion’s too good for you.”

  “That’s better. I was worried for a moment that you had gone soft. And you’re absolutely correct—she is too good for me.”

  We each slung our parting insults, and Meyer came back on the line.

  “From what I overheard, you and Henry had a good exchange.”

  “I suppose he makes life entertaining.”

  “Like you, Paul. Like you. Give me a call when you’re back home. I always enjoy hearing from you.”

  “As long as I have Marion to remind me of my long-distance friends, I’ll be happy to do that. Make sure Henry doesn’t end up in jail for libeling someone.”