Daystar

by Darcy Town

  “I am not a fool!” He glared at her as a tremor raced through him. “My head is clearing now that I am away from your fathers.” He paced. “They spoke to confuse me and now you’re acting to confuse me! You’re in on this together, that is it. They only fooled around to get us to hang out with one another so that you could try to get me again. This whole thing is a conspiracy between you disgusting creatures!”

  She gaped and stepped down from the chimney. “I believe they are truly being intimate, Yoshi. They do so often.”

  “Stop calling me that! My name isn’t Yoshi. My name is Jegudiel. I was tricked out of my name; your family won’t trick me again! I am not your pawn.” He stared at her, expecting her to fail as he knew she would.

  “I’m sorry, Jeg—Jegudiel.” She looked at her feet. “I thought we could walk and get to know one another as friends and adults. I want you to trust me again.”

  “Why would I want to trust you? So I can let my guard down and you can attack and hurt me once more?”

  Bean shivered. “I hurt you?”

  “Your parents did and it was your fault!” He remembered the pain and fear. He flinched. “You might as well have been the one hitting and kicking me! That wouldn’t have been a first, you’re abusive!” He paced. “Why I covered for you I don’t know. You deserved what I got! They should have smacked you around. Your behavior is their fault! Theirs for raising such a terrible child. Letting you do as you want, being horrid role models for you! It’s no wonder you are as bad as you are!”

  She sucked in her lower lip and turned away from him. “Oh, I see.”

  Jegudiel clenched his hands. He stalked forward and grabbed her shoulder, turning her around so that he could see her face. She shrank from him, but only succeeded in drawing his anger out. Jegudiel snarled. “What are you upset about? Sociopaths don’t have feelings and you’re not a child anymore you said so yourself! You don’t get to cry like a baby! I am not going to comfort you, Bean. No one is. Adults don’t get to be forgiven just because they want to be! That’s not how it works, Bean.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Jegudiel scoffed. “What angle are you trying to play with this now? Persuasion and deception don’t work so you switch to trying to illicit pity?”

  She stared at his chest. “No angle, I’m not upset, really.” She wrung her hands. “I’m f—fine. I’m a big gi—girl.”

  “You’re lying to me, Bean.” Jegudiel’s chest hurt. He grabbed her jaw forcing her head up. “Are you finding it hard to face what you did to me?” He held her tightly. His anger grew, but at the touch, at the hurt in her eyes, he found himself keening for her. He clenched his teeth, hating her for making him feel this way. “You are sorry for attacking me?”

  “Yes,” Bean said quietly. “I am.”

  “You won’t do it again?” He shook her by her shoulders. “You mean it?”

  She looked up at him with unshed tears in her eyes. “Of course I won’t do it again!”

  “You’ve got it out of your system? You’ve changed?” He searched her eyes, drawn in by the honesty and vulnerability there. Jegudiel’s heart ached as he realized he wanted to take advantage of her as she had taken advantage of him, he wanted her to feel as she had made him feel. He wanted her to know what he had felt…he wanted her to hurt. He breathed bitterness and steeled his heart against her. “You’re a new girl?”

  “Yes!” A tear rolled down her cheek. “I am so sorry! Jegudiel, I never meant—”

  He pushed her up against a wall and kissed her. Bean stood rigid with surprise. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. Bean closed her eyes and leaned into him. Her heart soared and she smiled. Jegudiel could feel her happiness and it stabbed at his guts. A part of him wanted to respond honestly, to accept her, but a growing part wanted to take her happiness and tear it in two. He clawed at her back, kissed her neck. His hands brushed her wings. Her body responded to his touch. She purred and rubbed up against him.

  Fire built in his groin as he reached for her pants. He gasped and tore himself away from her. He wiped his mouth as he backed away. “No, you are the same.”

  She touched her lips. “Wh—what?”

  Jegudiel looked at her with disgust. “You haven’t changed. Your heart hasn’t changed. You feel the same to me. There has been no transformation; you are as you were before. You’re still not good enough.” She reached for him; he backed away shaking. “Do not touch me again.”

  Bean stared at him confused. “I don’t understand what just happened.”

  He looked down at her. “You are a liar and if you have your way, a soon to be slut just like your fathers.”

  “What?”

  He pointed at her body. “If I had not stopped you would have given yourself to me without a second thought, just as you’ll give yourself to others. Have you no regard for your virtue?”

  “My virtue?”

  “Are you so debased that you do not even know? Or perhaps you were born a sullied girl, not fit for anyone but others like you. Certainly not fit for me.” He wiped his mouth, disgusted and attracted. “Not fit for one that knows love. I deserve better than you, Bean. I am better than this.”

  “Oh.” She sank to her knees. “Oh.”

  “I’m sorry, Bean.” He forced his voice to be jovial. “You’re just not good enough for my love, but we can still be friends. You know that I don’t want your feelings to be hurt, right? So you should accept the truth now and move on.” He staggered. “It will be better for you in the end. I’m doing this for your own good.”

  “Oh.” Bean touched her blushing cheeks. “I…Yoshi?”

  “Don’t call me that, Bean.” Jegudiel’s head pounded. His body ached. His bones ground against one another at the joints. What was he doing?

  She bit her lip. “I hurt inside. I hurt and I don’t know why.”

  He fought tears and backed away. “Do you? What does it feel like to be hurt, Bean? Do you feel helpless?”

  “Yes.” Bean stared at her shaking hands. “It aches. I do not know what to do to make it stop.” She swallowed. “I feel emptied. Jegudiel?”

  Jegudiel took another step back; he couldn’t look at her anymore. He shuddered. “What, Bean?”

  “Help me.” She reached out for him, bewildered. “I…I don’t know what to do. Please tell me what I should do.”

  Jegudiel swallowed. He had wanted to hurt her, now he had. He had wanted to have the power, now he did. He wanted to throw himself off the building and break his body on the street below. He stared at his hands and gagged, repulsed by himself and by her. He could not stop the bile that came out. The pain was its own thing now, its own force inside it. It took over.

  “Go.” He pointed out towards the city. “I am positive you’ll find what you need in the arms of other men, or women, or whatever it is you’ll give yourself to. You’ll feel better once you give yourself over to it.” He folded his arms to keep her away.

  Bean gazed at him. “I will? But I don’t want to be with anyone else but you.”

  Jegudiel stopped listening to her. He opened his wings and turned away. “I hope you find what you need, Bean. It must be beyond appalling to live that way, to be afflicted with such base wants and behavior since birth and to not even know how horrid you are.” He spoke to himself, “You are revolting.”

  Jegudiel rubbed away tears. “I am sorry for you. Your parents should apologize to you, bringing a creature like you into the world; it is not fair to you.” He choked back a sob. “If you happen to make your way back home tell your fathers I’m not coming back. You three can have your household without me in it, as it should have been from the beginning.” He leapt into the air, flying towards the outskirts of the city.

  Bean rested her head on the roof. She threw up.

  She fell to her side. She wrapped her wings over her body. She could not cry. Shock had not worn off yet, she was numb. She stared at her hands under the cover of feathers. Was she really so terrible?

/>   Jegudiel had always been kind and patient with her. He wouldn’t have said those things just to hurt her. He wasn’t that way. He was a good person. He said he was her friend.

  Bean squeezed her eyes shut. She touched her hair, her lips. She did not want to be what he said she was. She wanted to be better, like he was. She wanted to be like him.

  Bean scratched her face; she tore her hair, breaking it off at random lengths. She grew out her nails and left gouge marks in her skin. If she could not control herself with others, she would render herself unappealing. No one would be with her even when she threw herself at them as he said she would.

  She stalled her ability to heal; she kept it at bay, letting the wounds on her body clot and scab. Bean crawled to a chimney, grabbed soot, and covered her sparkling wings. She made her purple hair black. Tears ran through the grunge and dripped onto the rooftop. Her sobs were loud, broken with coughs. She stood and staggered away from the spot blindly.

  From where he flew, Jegudiel’s heart constricted. His glowing body grew dim. He held his chest and snarled through tears. “I don’t care. Not with such a vile—”

  Jegudiel shook his head as pain tore through him. “No. Go ahead and pain me! She deserved it. My love, to be so foul, she hurt me first. She betrayed me first. She abused me first. I only did to her what she did to me. We’re even now!” He flew towards the forest, falling into the trees and losing consciousness as he hit the dirt.

  ***

  Whitney made up lyrics to go along with the songs of Heaven. She mouthed them to keep from irking Michael or attracting His attention. They had been left alone since she had shut up. She watched Michael out of the corner of her eye. He remained kneeling, ever facing the throne. His expression wavered between tortured and despairing.

  The fire left the throne and Michael sagged.

  Whitney rolled to her hands and knees. She crawled to his side. “Michael?”

  Michael eyed her. “Go away, Whitney.”

  “But—”

  Michael turned from the hosts of angels and grabbed her shoulders lightly. “Please leave me alone.” He blinked back tears. “Just stop.”

  Whitney gaped at him. She leapt into his arms and hugged him. Michael froze in shock. Whitney squeezed him. “It’s okay to cry, everyone does it. Go ahead and have a cry.”

  Michael regained himself and put his hands on her shoulders, trying to push her away. “I am not crying. What a ridiculous statement.”

  Whitney held on to him tighter. “Then your eyes are leaking, either way that seems hug worthy.”

  Michael stood up, pulling her up with him. “Please let me go, Whitney.”

  Whitney shook her head. “No. When was the last time you were hugged?”

  “I do not remember.”

  “Bullshit, liar.”

  Michael ground his teeth. “Lucifer, all right. Now let go.”

  Whitney did, but she kissed his cheek and took one of his hands. “Why are you crying?”

  Michael frowned and pulled his hand from hers. “I do not see any reason to tell you.”

  Whitney shrugged. “I am here as a hostage. If I don’t serve a purpose I will be killed and you seem to have complete faith that whatever His plan is, it will work. So what is the harm in telling me while He is gone?”

  Michael stared at his feet. “No.”

  “Have you ever confided in anyone?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then go confide in them. You need to talk to someone. Please? It will make you feel tons better.”

  “I cannot.”

  “Why?”

  Michael closed his eyes. “I only ever confided in Lucifer, Whitney. Okay? He was the only one who hugged me. I confided in him and we laughed together. You seem to want to know everything about Lucifer and I. He taught me everything he knows and for a time we were connected. We had each other. He was my friend and I loved him, more than anyone or anything.”

  His eyes filled with tears. “But it does not matter now! None of that matters anymore because Lucifer left me and now my purpose has left me as well! You, a former human, you lived a life where you created your meaningless purposes; they gave you a reason to be. We do not make our purposes. We are given them. Without one, we are nothing.”

  Whitney took his hand. “Why can’t you make one?”

  “Because we cannot! I am only here to die now.” Michael gulped and stared at her with a fierceness that made her gasp. “I do not want to die, but I will do as He asks. That does not mean I face my end fearless.”

  Michael shook his head. “Lucifer is strong again and I have no spear. I have no hope, Whitney. Therefore, I sit and think about what my life is overall. I am meant to die for I alone with no spear can in no way can defeat a Primangel, my brother, and He knows that. My death will be but a meaningless gesture.” His gaze was haunted. “What point then will I have had? Why was I even created?” He pulled at his hair.

  Whitney stared into his eyes. “What purpose did Lucifer give you originally? Doesn’t that mean anything?”

  Michael closed his eyes and a tear rolled down his cheek. “I do not know, Whitney.”

  “What did Lucifer tell you? What did he say? Didn’t you have a ward or something?”

  “He called me Michael his brother and he told me he loved me. That was enough. I had no ward, I never did.” Michael sank to his knees. “Now no one loves me or needs me. I might as well not even exist for all the impact I made on things.” He shook his head and looked into her eyes. “I am a cipher and I am alone.”

  Whitney shook her head. “No you are not! You are Michael!”

  “Second to the fallen Primangel, second to a failure…I am less than even he.”

  “He is not a failure!” Whitney frowned. “He fights for love.”

  “I cannot understand that or him.”

  “Didn’t you once understand one another?”

  “We were connected then. We could not help but understand one another.”

  “That connection was lost?”

  “When he left he connected with her. I could not stand to feel it.”

  “Can’t you reopen it?”

  Michael shook his head. “Why would I do such a thing?”

  Whitney spoke carefully, “Perhaps if you understood him, you would understand your original purpose or at least know better how to fight him.”

  Michael shivered. “I do not know.”

  “What could it hurt to try it?”

  Michael frowned. “He would not approve.”

  Whitney made her face hard. “He wants you to die. Fine, Michael, go and die, but shouldn’t you die on your terms with all the information? Don’t you want to know why Lucifer made his choices? Or would you rather face him and die not knowing, never understanding why he cast you off and chose her?”

  Michael stared into her eyes. “I do not believe that such an understanding is possible, but…”

  “But?”

  Michael stared at the ground. “I want to know why Lucifer could not be content to obey.” He took a deep breath. “I have obeyed my entire existence and he was made to be better than I. That he could fall while I remain steadfast…I have never understood. I want to understand.”

  “Then find out.”

  Michael looked up at her. “This could aid me in my battle against him, yet you support it.”

  “Michael.” Whitney slapped his shoulder. “You have some fucking serious issues and I am a people pleaser and a sucker for tears. Go find out what you need to know and then die like a fucking man.”

  Michael sat back and touched his forehead. “Will you wake me if Lucifer comes?”

  Whitney nodded. “Of course.”

  Michael frowned. “I do not know why I trust you.”

  “I have one of those faces I guess. Besides, Lucifer will want to battle you. He will not stab you while you rest. He wants to fight you as much as you want to fight him. Killing you while you were vulnerable would not please him.”

  Mich
ael nodded and tapped his forehead once. He went into a daze, his eyes unseeing. Whitney took his hand in hers and sat by his side.

  The angels around her looked to the throne as it erupted into flame.

  BEGIN.

  Gabriel bowed and vanished with Azrael. The hosts of Heaven formed ranks and flew out.

  Whitney took a deep breath. “Good luck everybody.”

  ***

  Belial made a hula-hoop of metal and gyrated her hips. “Look, Andrealphus! Look at me!”

  Andy looked over and found himself caught, his eyes tracking her pelvis. “Yeah look at you.”

  Belial stopped moving and the metal kept going, round and round. She smiled. “Watch!” She tapped the metal and it turned into two hoops that circled around her body. “I have an orbit!”

  Andy grinned and took her hand, stopping the metal. He leaned in and kissed her.

  Belial snapped and the metal dissolved. She pressed against Andy. “I wish we could have time to ourselves.”

  He ran his fingers through her hair. “We will when this is all done.”

  She made a face. “How long could that be? We could be here for a long time.”

  Apple flew by. “Then we can take up opposite sides of the sun. Berith and I will stay on the other side and we can both have privacy.”

  Berith frowned. “How will we share information?”

  Andy snapped his fingers, sending a sound wave out from the sun. “You can feel that?”

  Berith nodded.

  “Then that’s our signal. We call this side, go away.” Andy smiled.

  Apple and Berith looked at each other and shrugged. Apple grinned. “I’m not going to say no to that.”

  Apple and Berith bolted. Belial wrapped her legs around Andy. “Andrealphus, you are so smart.” She kissed his cheek. “And funny.”

  He wrapped his arms around her. “I might resemble those statements.”

  Belial laughed. “May we be intimate again?”

  Andy blushed. “You do not need to ask my permission!”

  Belial bumped his nose with hers. “I did not want to be presumptuous, I was not sure.”

  “Of what?”