The Girl in the Mirror

by Sarah Gristwood

  Of course we won’t say as much, or not precisely. But I believe my father will try to calm the queen’s displeasure. We take the long view, naturally.

  It is a great task, at court, to prove one’s honesty, and yet not spoil one’s fortune, and the role of peacemaker befits an honest man. Even my father won’t succeed in curbing the queen’s rage: already, she’s declaring she’ll have no victory celebrations in this city. But when the real facts of the Cadiz debates seep out, as in the end they will, the queen will remember that we Cecils did not attack her favourite (still, her favourite?) too bitterly. And Essex will bask in her favour again, and being Essex he will boast of his favour, immoderately. The suitors will clamour for his voice to the queen, and he will clamour for their requests, loudly. And every voice that huzzas him in the streets will come to fret her majesty.

  ‘Men of depth are held suspect by princes. There is no virtue but has its shade, wherewith the minds of kings are offended.’ So says my clever cousin Bacon: clever in everything except his conviction that he will be able to steer my lord Essex into prudence and make his own career that way.

  Princes fear, Bacon says, that clever men may be able to manipulate them, popular men may overshadow them. Brave men are too turbulent and honest men too inflexible. Who – I asked him once – are the men that will thrive? If he’d ever stop to listen, I could have given him the answer. The men who make the prince’s problems go away. They’ll thrive. Well, for a time, at least.

  Bacon urges Lord Essex to courtiers’ ways. Never complain of past injuries. Never stand on your dignity – you have none, compared to her majesty. Learn the subtle ways of flattery – invent a pressing reason to visit your estates, then cancel the proposed journey on the grounds that you can’t bear to be away. Study her majesty’s moods and trim your suits accordingly, and don’t disdain the advice of those most close to her, even if it’s only the maid who’s waiting by the door when they take her chamber pot to empty.

  This to Essex, who has a hundred moods of his own and can’t master any. Can’t even dissemble them successfully. Who has never understood that his virtues may become vices to the queen, who mistrusts a soldier because a battlefield is the only field where she cannot lead her country. Her majesty has always made her weaknesses into virtues: look at the way she, a spinster, held every prince in Europe in thrall to her very availability.

  At first, Essex’s follies charmed the queen – his passionate conviction, his inability to flatter, his impetuosity. But now? He is blamed for his insatiable pride: but without his pride who would he be? Who would he see, when he looks in the mirror each day? Not that he does look in a mirror frequently, if that beard is anything to go by. With his pride, how long can he survive? It is a matter that has to be decided, a question not only of policy, but practicality.

  Jeanne

  Autumn 1596

  I’d found a room easily enough, and a decent one too, fires and laundry included. There was a dent in the wall where the last tenant had made the bedstead rock, but it was no dirtier than it might be. The landlady sniffed when I ran my finger over the cupboard checking for dust, and said young gentlemen weren’t usually so pernickety. So I put a touch of accent into my voice and said that in my country we were used to having things clean, and I heard her going down the stairs and muttering ‘damn Frenchies’. Her little brown-and-white dog stayed behind a moment, wagging at me curiously.

  With Jacob I had always lived up on the northern fringes of London, but now I had chosen a street near Blackfriars, hard up by the City’s walls, not far from the western suburbs and the great palaces on the Strand – not that I imagined, then, they’d concern me directly. It seemed a world away from our old home, but it still had enough immigrants in it for safety.

  I swept the landlady an exaggerated foreign bow and went out to buy myself some necessities. Candles enough to write by, a painted cloth to cover the marks in the wall, a posy of marjoram and lavender to take the mustiness away. At the nearest cookstall I bought a pasty, big enough I could share it with the dog, and an orange, and a small flask of Rhenish, and went home and called myself happy.

  Well, content.

  Well, lucky.

  Yes, by comparison with those I’d known – and those I saw on the street around me – definitely lucky.

  The work, and the money, were the easy part, oddly. For that I have Master Pointer to thank, and my thoughts do thank him every day. He first sent for me before Jacob had been buried three days. He did it with apologies, but his affairs, he explained, were at that point where he had to take the turn of the tide or else … I warmed to him, not only because he took trouble to explain to me, but because something in his urgency, his hot desire to catch the tide of the times, raised an answering warmth in me. I soon learned that while simple fruit trees and hedgings might be the core of his business, he was passionate about new plants and opportunities, and sold slips and seedlings to many of the nobility. It was no strange thing, of a Sunday, to see ladies and gentlemen strolling around his gardens out at Twickenham to inspect the latest rarity. Once, I even saw the stooping figure of Sir Robert Cecil, leading by the hand two small children, as grave and as slight as he.

  ‘Look at this! Look at this, Master Moosay!’ – this was Master Pointer’s version of Musset. I peered at two small, rather hairy, leaves which he assured me would soon sprout a flower the like of which had only been seen in the palaces before, but would soon be in every garden. The goal, I learnt, was novelty – novelty, and the charm of bloom when no bloom used to be.

  ‘Think of it, we’ll soon have borders as bright in August as they are in May.’ Though some of the new plants, from lands far beyond the sea, came direct to England, others went first to the growers in the Netherlands or Italy, whom he regarded with a blend of comradeship and envy. With a few such, he had struck up a deal, but to keep it going required a skill in languages beyond him. That is what Jacob had done; that I could do easily. I’d been working for Master Pointer a few weeks when he found I had another useful ability.

  From a child I’d loved to draw, though with Jacob it was always the words and the thought behind them that would be taken most seriously. But one day, Master Pointer was labouring to dictate me a description of a seedling – ‘two leaves like heart shapes, spring direct from the stem, and veined like – like – like the ribs of a ship?’

  ‘No, it’s more like this, surely?’ Hastily I sketched out what I meant, and he gazed at me thoughtfully.

  ‘I didn’t know you could do that,’ he said. From that time on, his catalogues went out with my line drawings, printed from etched blocks of wood, and kindly, he said that it increased his sales. He said it was a lucky chance that had shown him my skill. But I think Master Pointer was one of those men in whose genial warm presence people, like plants, did understand their capabilities.

  Cecil

  Spring 1597

  I always knew the meal was never going to agree with me. They don’t keep good cooks at Essex House: for all his grandeur, his lordship is served but carelessly. I don’t suppose he even noticed – from a boy, I remember him just cramming what was in front of him into his mouth, and that only when the waiting men nudged him that they wanted to take the plates away. Gulping down the mouthful with his eyes fixed where his speech was directed, intent on winning your response to whatever he was trying to say. I doubt Ralegh cared for the food either, though I saw him drinking deep.

  But then none of us were there for our stomach’s sake, were we?

  The puzzle of the court is how one day’s enemy is the next day’s friend: more unexpected, surely, than a friend lapsing into enemy? My clever cousin Bacon says ‘love your friend as if he were to become an enemy, and hate your enemy as if he were to become your friend’: he was so proud of the thought, he showed the letter to me. Does even he know what he means, I wondered. I have become more irritable since Lizzie –

  His mother, my aunt Anne, told her sons when they first came to court
that anyone who spoke them fair was doing it to serve their turn. ‘He that never trusteth is never deceived.’ ‘It is better to suspect too soon than to mislike too late.’ ‘As a wolf resembles a dog, so does a flatterer a friend.’ ‘Don’t write letters that can be held against you, don’t speak without looking to see who can hear, and then not openly.’ I get impatient with the flood of warning sometimes, even though I have forged my career by following the maxims attentively. They translated the sayings of Erasmus in my grandfather’s day: ‘It is wisdom in prosperity when all is as thou would have it, to fear and suspect the worst.’ What, are we never to be happy?

  Lizzie and I were happy.

  The strange thing is that Essex’s father was as full of good advice as mine, or as Lady Anne: I suppose we all react differently to the medicine. Now it’s Ralegh penning advice for his son. Which is why he was here tonight, in a way – Ralegh needs both our help if he is ever to get back his captaincy of the Guards. The queen has never forgiven him for having run off with one of her maids of honour, and less so than ever now that they’ve started a family.

  Essex needs all the help he can get, too, if he’s to persuade her majesty to finance another voyage against the Spanish. And I? Well, it’s true there’s the business of the Duchy of Lancaster. The chancellor’s post would come easier if no one were opposing me too actively.

  And of course, I am committed, always, to seek unity: I must send to Charles Howard tomorrow, make sure he understands there is no threat to him in this rapprochement with Essex. He’s doing an Achilles at the moment, still baffled that the people see Essex as the sole hero of Cadiz, but his wife is a lady shrewd enough to ensure he doesn’t sulk in his tent too long.

  All the same, as I climb into the litter for the brief ride home, the old black mood sweeps over me. The whole question of the chancellorship of the Duchy wouldn’t be so tetchy if we hadn’t been there already with the Court of Wards, but Lizzie was so pleased when we won it for her brother, in the teeth of Essex’s man …

  Lizzie.

  Two months, almost to the day, since the doctors told me there was nothing they could do, and I had to open the bedroom door and go inside to meet her eye. I have spent a lifetime dissembling, but I couldn’t do it this time. In the end, it was she told me, with the ghost of her old briskness, we had a lot to agree together, and not to cry. She wanted the children brought up away from the bad airs of the town. She did not say, away from the corruption of the court, and from a father who has to wallow in it every day, but it’s true they’re better off at my brother’s in the country.

  She said when I wanted her I was to go into the garden, and there by the good grace of God she would find me. She said if God didn’t want to allow it she’d be having a word with him. She made me laugh, even then, actually. I went to the garden this morning, to Lizzie’s favourite rose tree. It’s covered in leaf shoots of stinging green – not long till the first buds are on the way. I gripped its trunk so hard, I was glad when the thorns pricked me. Oh, Lizzie.

  Back to the business: it’s one thing she said to me then. ‘Work will be your salvation. You’ll see.’ Give me the work, spare me the sympathy. I cannot take the sympathy, although Charles for one wrote very kindly. I really feel something like friendship for Charles, beyond even the alliance of necessity.

  This thing with Essex won’t hold, of course it won’t, but we can probably get Ralegh his captaincy. I say ‘we’, but in truth the queen may give it less because it is Essex who requests it than because she wants a firmer hold on one of Essex’s allies. It would never do if he and he alone held the loyalty of all the fighting men. Essex will probably get the money for his new Spanish voyage: the queen will hate it as much as I do, but it is needed.

  Whether he’ll get her gratitude for whatever he brings home will be another story. Be sure that any news of her displeasure will be for my father or I to carry. It is our job, but it will fuel the fire of Essex’s suspicion, as if any fuel were needed.

  Even Ralegh writes: ‘Whoso taketh in hand to frame any state or government ought to presuppose that all men are evil, and at occasions will show themselves to be so.’ The face of treachery is the devil’s face, in the form we see among us every day. But Essex spends his life peering through the bushes to trace the devil’s grin in the bark of an old tree. He knows every man is against him: in the end, they will be. I suppose it is his way of imposing order on the world. Less frightening, perhaps, than knowing his failure, like his success, is his own responsibility. As we pull up, the thought sends me into the house even more lonely.

  Jeanne

  Summer 1597

  I wasn’t unhappy in the next year or so, or not precisely. Master Pointer’s was a kindly family, and his wife thought I was young to be alone in the world. I did not, unless I chose it, need to dine alone of a Sunday. And Master Pointer introduced me, carefully, to some of his gardening friends, always on the understanding that his work came first, that I was his discovery. But sometimes as I sat around the well-stocked table, a wave of unreality swept over me, and I watched them as wonderingly as I had watched, once, when a cousin of Mrs Allen’s had taken us to see the wild beasts in the Tower menagerie.

  What had these people to do with the past I’d known? What had they to do with my real identity? Even if it hadn’t been for my secret, I’d had a family once, and look what happened. The way I lived was the only safe way. And dear God, where was this closeness going to end – with the suggestion I might marry one of their friendly daughters, and bring my skills into the family? And the next Sunday I’d make excuse, say I had to see an old friend, though in truth I would spend the day alone, wandering round all the gardens of London.

  The gardens were my salvation, you might say – lucky there were so many. But the gardens were my danger, too, with their siren song of what might be. Master Pointer sold plants to many of the grandees, and he made sure that sometimes I went along with the delivery, to walk around and increase my knowledge as much as might be.

  ‘They won’t mind – they’ll be flattered someone wants to admire their taste. Show them one of your drawings if they query you,’ he said shrewdly. I remember a garden by the London Wall, close to sunset one late June day. A gardener was settling the new plants in, as tenderly as if they’d been new babies. The light had sunk to that low pitch when the blues sing clearly, and the yellow in the leaves makes each flowerbed a mirror of the sky on a sunny day. The roses were almost over, but a hint of their scent hung under the honeysuckle, and the air had cooled just enough to make you nostalgic for the morning’s heat. It was an evening for the touch and laughter, and dreams. For lovers … For a heartbeat, I almost felt the touch of skin on skin, and here was I, walking alone with a scrap of paper and a stick of charcoal, exploring a business opportunity.

  That’s where I understood that some change had to come. That however lucky I’d been to survive so far, survival was not enough for me. That I couldn’t go on forever, like some lying ghost, haunting the fringes of some happy ordinary family; and nor could I push myself into the ranks of the plantsmen in my present identity.

  I couldn’t just step back; I’d been Jan too long, and there was no way for Jeanne to live and make money. As a woman alone and without family – a woman neither child nor wife nor widow – there would be no place for me. I’d still be a freak, an anomaly.

  I couldn’t see the way to change clearly, and yet change there had to be. And as I walked ever faster in the golden light, staring without seeing at the heartsease pansies, the thought of that Accession Day came back to me.

  Every one of the great lords was a garden maker. Apart from anything else, it was known to be one way to the heart of the queen’s majesty. And Master Pointer sold plants to many of the grandees, but there was one family who truly loved their gardens. Time was, Lord Burghley had competed with the old earl, Lord Leicester, as to who could make the most dazzling fantasy. When Master Pointer spoke of the experiments at Theobalds, Lord Burghley
’s country showplace, he did so with a glow of purest envy. Lord Leicester was long dead, and Lord Essex who had inherited his great house on the river had no name for being a plantsman, hadn’t the money for it, maybe. And Lord Burghley was failing, and begging the queen every day to let him retire. But his son Robert Cecil also loved a garden – a fair amateur of plants, said Master Pointer, respectfully.

  The Pointers spoke of the nobles with a kind of familiarity. The summer Jacob died, I’d heard that Lord Essex had led a great expedition against the Spanish at Cadiz, and that Master Cecil had been made Secretary of State, and heard of them as things outside my own life. Now, for the first time, I began to wonder if, in that wider world, there might not be a tiny chink of a place for me.

  The Cecils had a town house too, of course. Great tubs of the sharp Seville orange trees went there in bloom, once Master Pointer had nursed them through the winter, and the new nasturtiums with their hot colour, and the latest strain of auriculas, striped and pinked like a town buck on May Day.

  A stream of gossip fed back in return, and though Mistress Pointer wanted to hear about the family, it was their garden plans that gripped her husband. I learned that Sir Robert used his contacts beyond the seas to send him the newest seeds or slips from foreign nurseries. Master Pointer spoke longingly of great books he’d been shown in Sir Robert’s library, ‘Ay, and he said he’d be having them translated, so I could read them too, one day. God’s breath, the Italians know a thing or two – did I tell you the tricks they play with water, they’ve a few toys like that at Theobalds, as well – but for my money, if it’s the plants you’re looking for, you still go to the damn Frenchies. No offence, lad,’ he’d add belatedly.