Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

  I don’t know how I do it, but I pull away, look at him and force the words out of my mouth.

  “My God, I love you, Julian Bauer. But, I can’t. I don’t want that life, a life where I have to try to be happy. I’m tired of trying. I’ve been trying to be happy for so long now and I don’t have any fight left in me. I told you, when we met, I was broken. You didn’t believe it and for a while you convinced me it wasn’t true, but it’s true. I’m broken and I can’t do this anymore.” I step back and look at him with tears streaming down my face. “I’m sorry. I’m not who you think I am, Julian. I wish I was that girl. I wish I really was the girl you’re in love with. That girl is strong and so incredibly lucky. She’s also a fantasy. You deserve better than what I can give you.” I lean in and place a soft kiss on his cheek. “Now please go and don’t look back. This really is over.”

  I turn and walk into the house. I don’t look at him and I don’t wait for him to say anything. I can’t be near him. It’s devastating. He doesn’t try and follow me and I’m truly thankful. I go into my room and lie down on my bed and let the anguish take over my body. I think about Julian and how I keep disappointing and hurting him. I think about what he would do and how he would feel if he knew I slept with Luke. That makes me think about how I hurt Luke. I think about how my inability to deal with what happened with Brady contributed to him dying. I think about how I could agree to be with Julian only to watch him fall in love with his baby and a life that I’ll never really feel a part of. I think about how I ruin everything I touch. I think about how I’m not enough. I think until I can’t think anymore. I’m grateful when my mind finally has enough and just kind of shuts down and I’m able to lie in the dark and silence and be numb.

  When Marissa comes home a few hours later she comes into my room and checks on me. I pretend to be asleep. I want to talk to her about this but the words won’t come out. This self-loathing I’m feeling has grabbed onto me so tightly I can’t break its hold. This is bad, very bad.

  I get up really early Monday morning and leave before I see Marissa. I leave her a note in hopes she will not call looking for details.

  M – All good. Julian was still upset from the other day and wanted to talk to me about being friends. I explained why I didn’t think that was possible. He wasn’t happy. It was rough and I was tired after the drive so I went to sleep. See you after work. – A

  She isn’t going to buy any of that but I hope it’ll get her off my case for a little while.

  I get into work before anyone else does. I turn my laptop on and go get some coffee while it’s starting up. I didn’t check my work emails while I was in Tampa and I see I have six new emails in my box. I hope none of my clients were trying to get ahold of me. I take a sip of my coffee and click on my mail icon. The email on the top is from Julian at four this morning. I’m sure he sent it here so I’d see it. I stare at it for a while without opening it. I open and read the other emails and am happy to see I didn’t miss anything urgent. When I get done checking the other emails, I open the one from Julian. I can’t help myself. Talk about a bad idea.

  To: Alexa Reed—AReed@W&Minvestmentgroup.com

  From: Julian Bauer—JPB@BWproperties.com

  Subj: Say Something, please

  Alexa, no matter what I say you don’t hear me. I know who I’m in love with and I know with everything inside of me that you’re making the biggest mistake of your life by giving up on me, on us. Right now I hate you for that. I’ve never given up on you and no matter how many times you pushed me away, I stayed and I held on. That’s the worst part, that you wouldn’t do that for me. I guess it shows me how you really feel about me. I won’t beg you to be with me anymore. It’s not who I am. So unless you say something, I’m done.

  Say something, I’m giving up on you

  I’ll be the one, if you want me to

  Anywhere, I would’ve followed you

  Say something, I’m giving up on you

  Say Something—A Great Big World

  Julian

  I can hear his voice in my head when I read the words and it makes me sick to my stomach. He used the word hate. He hates me for what I’ve done. Well, at least we’re agreeing on something now. I hate myself too. I close out of the email and move it to a miscellaneous folder. I can’t seem to press the delete button. I don’t answer and figure my silence will say what needs to be said.

  I don’t really remember the rest of the day. I just go through the motions and smile when I need to and say all the right things to clients and people I work with. I’m thankful when the day ends and I can stop pretending to be okay.

  On the way home from work, I call and leave a message for Ellen. I know she won’t answer and I’m so much braver when I get her voicemail.

  “Hi Ellen, it’s Alexa. Sorry for the last minute notice but I need to cancel our sessions for the next few weeks. Work is really busy and I’ve been having a hard time getting there by six-thirty. If you want to give my time to someone else, that’s fine. Um, okay. Thank you.”

  As I’m pulling into my driveway my phone rings, and I recognize Ellen’s office number. I hit decline and send it to voicemail. I do the same thing each time she calls over the next few days. I don’t even listen to the messages. I know what they say and I don’t want to hear it.

  The rest of my week passes by in a blur. I go to work early and I come home late. I try to avoid my roommates. I put all of my energy into keeping it together at work and by the end of the day I’m exhausted from the effort. Everything seems so much harder to deal with these days than it did even after Brady died. When I put some thought into why that is I come up with the only explanation that makes sense. I’m alone this time. Before I had Luke, Ellen, Marissa, and Shannon helping me through the issues they knew about. I’ve made a decision to shut everyone out and right now it’s costing me but in the long run I think it’ll be easier. At least that’s what I tell myself to justify my actions.

  On Friday I get a call from Dominick, the Regional Manager in Tampa. He tells me he’s spoken to both Mark and Andrea and they’ve agreed to a transfer. He also tells me he needs me to be back in Tampa ready to work in two weeks if I want the job. They’re getting ready to open the new property and he’d like me to start from the beginning. He promises to email over the compensation package and offer letter and would like me to think about it and let him know if I accept on Monday. After I say goodbye and hang up the phone it hits me like a ton of bricks how real this all just became. I’m moving.

  The email I get from Dominick outlines the job offer. The job description is pretty much the same as it is here, but Andrea was right, the compensation is nowhere near as good. I take out my calculator and add up the numbers of the commissions I’ve made over the last few weeks. My next check is going to be huge and it’ll make up for the shortfall from moving. I think I’ll be able to make at least the same money I was making at The Towers and I convince myself I’m fine with that.

  When I get home tonight, Marissa’s waiting in the kitchen. I was hoping she’d be out but no such luck. She has a bottle of wine on the table with two glasses. I smile and say hi when I walk in and try to head straight to my room.

  “Can you please come here?”

  Her voice is calm but I hear the frustration boiling underneath. I’m surprised it took a whole week for her to call me out.

  I put my purse down and go sit with her. I’m going to have to tell her I’m moving and there’s no time like the present. “What’s up, Mari?”

  “You tell me. You’ve done a great job going dark this week.”

  I pour myself a glass of wine and take a sip. “I’ve been really busy at work and I’m tired when I get home. I haven’t been sleeping well.”

  She cuts to the chase. “What happened with Julian? You came off the rails after Sunday. I’ve tried to give you space but this is getting ridiculous.”

  I shrug and try to sound believable. “I told you what happened. And I didn’t come
off the rails.”

  “Whatever, you’re totally lying, and it’s bullshit, but if you don’t want to tell me I guess I can’t force you.”

  “I’m not sure what I did to deserve you talking to me like this, Mari. I didn’t do anything to you and to be honest, I don’t need this. I’ve got enough on my plate without worrying about how you feel about my attitude and my life.” My words come out a little harsher than I want and I see the hurt on her face.

  “You know what, Lex, you need to get your shit together because I’m sick of this. I don’t even recognize you anymore.”

  “That makes two of us, Marissa.” I don’t feel like pretending she’s wrong.

  “Then do something about it.”

  “Oh really. Like what?”

  “Find a way to make it work with Julian. I’ve tried to be supportive and say and do all the right things, but I can’t sit here and agree with you on this anymore. You’re making a huge mistake. That man loves you, I mean really loves you, and you’re so intent on ruining your own life you can’t see it.”

  “You know what, Mari. You’ve been great friend. Maybe better than I deserve. But you have no idea what I’ve been through and what it feels like to be me. It sucks.”

  “You’re right, I have no idea what you’ve been through. Remember I just found out about your life recently.” I hear the hurt cut through the sarcasm. “But what I do know is what it feels like to watch your best friend disappear. That fucking sucks. I don’t think I can do it much longer.”

  It’s absolutely not the right way to tell her I’m moving but I say it anyway.

  “Well, you won’t have to for much longer. I’m accepting a job offer in Tampa and they want me there in two weeks.”

  The look on her face kind of freaks me out. She’s stunned. “What the fuck are you talking about? You accepted a job offer?” She shakes her head incredulously. “When did you start looking for a new job?” She’s pissed and I guess I don’t blame her. I’d be mad if she was doing this to me.

  “Last week, after what happened with Luke, and after I ran into Julian. I don’t want to be surrounded by them or their memories. I need a fresh start. Can’t you understand that, Mari?”

  She’s quiet for moment and when she finally responds her tone is sad. “You’re so selfish, Lexie. You just make these decisions without even discussing it with anybody. Did it ever occur to you what it would do to your family if you move?”

  “My family is fine with it. Jill is excited and my parents think a change might do me good.”

  She shakes her head slowly and her eyes tear up. “I meant me, Shannon, Jenna, and Lauren. We’re your family too. But clearly you don’t see things the same way.”

  “You know how much I care about all of you. But how do you think it makes me feel to watch you all go on with your lives when I don’t want to get out of bed sometimes. You and Shannon are happy, and have bright futures. And I’m thrilled for you. I really am. But when Kevin comes home your whole life will change and it won’t be a big deal I’m not around.”

  “Seriously? Now you’re going to insult me? When have I ever let a guy come between our friendship? We don’t do that, remember?”

  I try and say something that might calm her down. “It’s not like I’m moving to Paris.”

  “You might as well be. I can’t get you to talk to me when we live in the same house. You’ll move and I’ll never hear from you. And don’t even deny it, because you know it’s true.”

  I sit there and look at my hands. I won’t deny it because it’s probably true.

  “So, Julian found out about it and freaked out, huh? That’s why he was here. Did you tell him?”

  I know she’s hurt at the thought I told him before her, again.

  “No, I didn’t tell him. I wasn’t going to. Serena overheard a comment Andrea made to me and took it upon herself to tell him. I only discussed it with Andrea because I need a job. I told Jill and my parents over the weekend. I was going to tell you tonight. I just didn’t know how to say it.”

  Marissa stands up and pushes the chair in. I guess this conversation is over.

  “Well the way you did it is messed up. But, I should be used to it. It’s who you are now. I kept hoping you’d go back to being the considerate, loving, open friend I knew for nine years, but it seems like that girl really might be gone for good.”

  She puts her wine glass in the sink and turns to walk out of the kitchen.

  Ouch. Her words sting and make me feel worse if it’s possible. “It’s not personal, Mari. I don’t want to hurt you.”

  She spins around and I see the tears in her eyes. “That’s the problem. You don’t think anything is personal. You’re so wrapped up in your own little, dark world you don’t see how anything you do affects the rest of us. It’s your life and you’re a big girl, but you’ve become someone I don’t even know anymore. The Lexie I know would never walk away from all the people who love her and need her.”

  She takes a deep breath and puts up her hand to stop me from responding. I wasn’t going to yet though. I’m still reeling a little from her words.

  “Yes, Lexie, we need you too. I need you. Julian needs you. Your other friends need you. But, you don’t feel the same way, and it’s become painfully obvious with this latest stunt. How in the world did you think it would be okay to plan on moving without even mentioning it to me or Shannon, or to Julian?”

  I snap out of the daze I’m in when she mentions Julian’s name. “I understand why you’re upset I didn’t tell you and I could apologize about it for days. But, you would’ve tried to stop me and I didn’t want to be stopped. Why would you even think I should tell Julian anything? He said the same thing. He was as mad as you.”

  “Are you really that clueless? Did you really think Julian thought your relationship was over?” She looks at my face and sees that yes, I really thought that.

  “Really, Lexie? The man asked you to marry him a month ago. Did you think he’d walk away that easily? I even know him better than that and I don’t even really know him. He was giving you space so you’d come to your damn senses and realize you two are supposed to be together.”

  “I do need space. I need a whole fucking other planet between him and me so I can get over him. Seeing as I can’t make that happen, I’m moving to Tampa. And if he didn’t take me seriously before, he does now, so don’t worry about him. He sent me an email and told me he hated me.”

  I think about his last email and it makes me sick to my stomach like it did the first time I read it.

  “Well I understand how he feels. I kind of hate you right now too. You’re sabotaging your life and we’ve all been forced to watch it because you’re so damn stubborn. You’re making the biggest mistake of your life. I’m serious. This is wrong.”

  “Tell me how you really feel, Marissa. It feels great to hear you hate me too.”

  “I know you think I’m being harsh and maybe I am, but I can’t do this anymore. You don’t listen to anyone and you can’t see what’s right in front of your face. I don’t hate you and neither does Julian, but you’ve broken both of our hearts with this plan. Maybe one day I’ll understand why you feel the need to run away from your home, but right now I can’t be supportive of it. I’m sorry, but you’re on your own with this.”

  As she walks out of the kitchen I respond truthfully, “I’ve been on my own for a long time now, Marissa. Hopefully you never know what it feels like to be surrounded by people who love you and still feel totally alone.”

  I watch her back as she heads to her room. I sit at the table for a while and finish my wine. When I’m done I go to my room, take off my dress and get into bed. I hear the front door open and hear Marissa’s car drive away. I’m so tired it surprises me I don’t fall asleep immediately. I lie there as the day gives way to the night, and think about my conversation with Marissa. She said some really painful, but true things. I’m not the same person I used to be. I tried to tell everyone that and nobody
will listen. I guess they’re all seeing I wasn’t lying when I said I was broken. As I think about everything that’s happened in the last few months, I’m forced to admit I’m really scared. I’m scared of how I’m feeling because right now, I feel like I have no control. I know I’m doing all the wrong things, and I can’t seem to stop myself. As I lie in the dark and feel so incredibly alone, I say a little prayer and ask for help. I don’t know what else to do.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  I fall asleep sometime after midnight and wake up periodically throughout the night. My dreams and thoughts are jumbled together and at some point I even feel wetness from tears on my cheeks. When I finally open my eyes in the morning, I’m shocked I don’t feel sad, or numb. I feel a new emotion. I’m not sure where it came from, or why it’s coursing through my body, but I’m filled with anger. Real, serious, I want to kick someone’s ass, anger. I can’t remember the last time I was truly angry at someone. Over the last year, the times when I said I was mad were really times when I was hurt and trying to pass it off as anger. Not now. Right now I’m pissed. I lie there for a while and try to get a grip on what I’m feeling. I went to bed feeling so incredibly sad and right now I want to beat someone up. I chuckle nervously at myself when the thought crosses my mind I might be having some sort of breakdown. Who the hell feels like this?

  I get out of bed and change into some shorts, a tank, and my tennis shoes. I want to run. Maybe I’ll feel better after. I see Marissa’s car isn’t there and neither is Shannon’s. I head off down my street and turn my music up as loud as I can bear. I’m trying to drown out the thoughts in my head but it doesn’t work. As my feet hit the pavement I think about Julian, Luke, and Marissa and all the things they’ve said to me over the last few weeks. I think about how they’ve called me out as not being me anymore. It’s true and it makes me even angrier. I fucking hate who I’ve become. I want to be mad at them instead of myself but I can’t because they’re right. I run faster, as if I can escape my thoughts, but there’s no escape and Marissa’s words keep looping through my head on auto repeat, “It’s your life and you’re a big girl, but you’ve become someone I don’t even know anymore. The Lexie I know would never walk away from all the people who love her and need her.”