Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

“Night, Lex.”

  As I change and get ready for bed I think about my day. What a day. It’s a testament to the human condition that someone could wake up in one place in the morning and end up on the opposite end of the spectrum by the end of the day. That’s what happened to me. I feel like a different person right now and I’m grateful. I get in to bed and close my eyes and try to focus on the good that came out of today. Unfortunately all I can focus on is that my bed is spinning. Shit. There’s no way I’m going to be able to fall asleep. I sit up and look at my phone for the first time in hours. There are no messages. I open up my email and see there isn’t anything important in there either. I go through all of my social media accounts and after about thirty minutes I remember why I don’t spend much time on them.

  I’m bored and buzzed and because I don’t have the noise of my friends or the TV, I’m being taunted by the quiet. I can’t keep the thoughts of Julian at bay anymore so I open the door and let them in. The ache I feel is simply massive and my whole body yearns for him. Now that the wall I was hiding behind crumbled, I’m exposed and vulnerable again. I hate feeling like this. I know it isn’t a good idea to reach out to him right now. I’m drunk and it’s late, not to mention I blew him off in a horrible way last week, but I can’t help myself. The girl who goes dark should really stay dark right now, but I can’t.

  Alexa: I have something to say now

  Alexa: I’m sorry. I love you. Please don’t give up on me.

  I stare at the words for about five minutes and then I hit send. And then I wait.

  I figure Julian’s at the hotel and I know he doesn’t check his phone as frequently when he’s working. But, I also know he does check his phone. His silence says everything I don’t want to hear and when I still haven’t heard from him by one o’clock, I know in my heart he really is done.

  Getting up in the morning is hell. I’m hung-over, tired, and sad. I look at my phone as soon as I roll over and my heart sinks when I see nothing. It’s eight-thirty and I need to be into work by ten so I force myself into the shower. I take a few Advil and hope they kick in soon. As the warm water rolls down my body, I wish there was something I could take that would make my heart hurt less too.

  I spend some time in my closet trying to figure out what I want to wear. I choose an aqua and lime colored, blocked, sleeveless, jersey dress with a rolled collar. It’s bright and bold. It’s how I want to feel this morning. Fake it until I make it. I didn’t want to have to do my hair so I didn’t wash it this morning. I’m able to make it look good by making a messy pony. I do my makeup, put on some jewelry and head to the kitchen for coffee. Shannon must’ve gone to her room because she isn’t on the couch and Jenna and Lauren are still sleeping. I try to be as quiet as I can, curse them for being able to sleep in, grab some coffee and a bagel and leave for work.

  It’s a beautiful morning and there’s no traffic. I get to The Promenade by nine forty-five and when I check the schedule I’m thrilled to see Serena isn’t working today. I’m still not ready for her bullshit and I’m actually in an okay mood despite the hangover and despite the fact Julian hasn’t responded to me. I convinced myself on the drive over he’s just trying to punish me a little and that I’d hear from him today.

  My day is steadily busy and people pop in and out. Sunday’s are usually like this. I have some promising leads and that keeps me in a decent mood as the day passes and there’s still no response from Julian. I check my phone more than I ever do throughout the day. I get a call from Andrea at about two and when I hear her voice, I remember they’re all waiting for me to decide on the job transfer offer. I actually forgot I needed to address this. Andrea’s thrilled when I tell her I’m not going to be moving. She asks why and I’m honest. I tell her running away is probably not the smartest thing to do. She’s honest back and tells me she thinks I’m making the right decision, and it’s not just because she wants me to stay. She offers to call Dominick but I feel I need to do that. I don’t want burn any bridges.

  Dominick sounds disappointed when I call and tell him I’m not going to be taking the job. He doesn’t ask any personal questions, but does tell me he’s heard I’d be leaving a lot behind if I moved. I’m not sure what Andrea told him but it sounds like he knows more about my situation than he let on. I guess it doesn’t matter. I thank him for the opportunity and he lets me know his door is open if I change my mind. I get off of those two calls and feel relieved. Deep down, I guess moving wasn’t something I really wanted to do. Oh how everything is just becoming clearer in both good ways and bad.

  When I leave work at five-thirty, I still haven’t heard from Julian. As the hours pass, the hope that he would forgive me drifts further and further away. So does the calmness and strength I’ve been feeling. The reality is, if Julian isn’t part of my life, I’m not going to be okay. Maybe someday I will be okay, but not anytime soon. I’m about to cross the causeway when my phone beeps. I grab it as fast as I can and hope it’s Julian. It isn’t. It’s Jill asking me to call her when I have a chance. My hearts sinks.

  Marissa, Shannon, and Cory are all at my house when I get there. The girls are still in their pajamas and I can see this wasn’t a very productive day for them.

  “Must be nice to sit around all day and do nothing.” I smile and give Cory a hug. “You missed a good party last night.”

  “Looks like it. Shannon did drunk text me a few times so I’m not surprised she’s useless today.”

  Shannon throws a pillow at him. “Don’t pick on the hung-over girl. It’s not nice.” She lifts her head and looks at me. “How the hell were you able to get up and go to work? I still feel like shit.”

  “It wasn’t easy, trust me. It was a rough day.”

  In more ways than one I might add. Cory’s comments about drunk texting make me think about my own drunk texts last night, the ones that are still being ignored.

  “And you Mari, how are you.”

  “After four Advil and a bloody Mary, I’m good. No more Tequila shots at three in the afternoon, Reed.”

  I plop down on the couch next to them. I haven’t had anything but coffee and a bagel today and now that I’m sitting down at home, the effects of my night are hitting hard.

  “Sounds good to me, Delgado. But remember I didn’t force the second, third, or fourth shot down your throat. Nor did I force you to drink the wine.”

  “I was being supportive. Friends don’t let friends get drunk by themselves at three in the afternoon.” Marissa is nothing if not supportive.

  “Exactly. Appreciate the support. You guys are awesome. Anybody hungry?”

  Shannon raises her head off the pillow. “Yeah, no. I’m not putting anything into my stomach until tomorrow.”

  Marissa tells me she already ate and Cory tells me he and Shannon actually need to take off because he has some report due tomorrow he needs to get done. Shannon reluctantly gets up to get her stuff together and Cory follows her into her room. Marissa and I are alone.

  “How are you really feeling today? I know you want to be all tough and drama-free but you can talk to me about Julian if you want to, or need to.”

  I look down at my hands and then back up at her. “I texted him last night. It wasn’t a good idea, but I couldn’t help myself.”

  Marissa sits up and turns to face me. “What did you say? What did he say?”

  “I told him I was sorry, that I love him, and not to give up on me.”

  “That’s awesome. What did he say?”

  “Not so awesome. He didn’t respond at all.”

  “Really? Are you sure? Maybe you missed it if you had your phone off.”

  I actually laugh a little out loud. “I had my phone all night and all day today and checked it religiously. Nothing. He’s done. Just like he said.” Tears well up in my eyes.

  “He’s probably just making you suffer a little. A little payback. He’ll respond, I promise.”

  “You’re an optimist and I love you for it, but I know Julian an
d he doesn’t change his mind once it’s made up. He’s stubborn and proud and I fucked up big time.”

  “I need to tell you something, Lex. I promised Julian I wouldn’t, but I have to. Don’t get mad, okay.”

  “What happened, Mari? You’re freaking me out a little.”

  “Julian and I’ve talked a few times since you broke up. He called me a few days after you ended it with him because you wouldn’t talk to him. He was worried about you. He wanted me to make sure you were okay. We didn’t talk for long but I promise you I’m not kidding when I tell you he was devastated. He loves you so much. I mean real love. It doesn’t go away in a few weeks, no matter how big of a pain in the ass you’ve been.”

  I can’t lie. I feel a little betrayed. Luke and Mari? “And you talked after that?”

  She can hear the hurt in my voice.

  “Yes, he called again, right after you saw him at Jett’s. You had already told me about it so I knew. He wanted to know if you were okay. He said you were so upset when you ran into him. I told him you were fine and he asked me if I really thought you were done with him. I told him I hoped not, because I did hope that. He told me he wanted to give you space because he thought if he did you’d change your mind. He didn’t think it was really over. He didn’t want it to be over. He was pretty emotional. That was two weeks ago. He’s not done. He’s just hurt. Please don’t be mad. I didn’t tell him anything you wouldn’t be okay with. I just listened really.”

  “I’m not really mad, but I wish you would’ve told me. I think, anyway. I don’t know.” I shake my head. “I don’t know anything, except he’s ignoring me and I’m not sure what to do. I guess I could go talk to him. But then again, phone rejection is easier to take.”

  “Give it some time. He’ll respond.” She stands up. “I’m going to go take a shower and probably go to bed early. You good?”

  I give her a small smile. “I’ll be okay. I’m going to eat and shower too. I’m exhausted.”

  She turns around and as she walks away, she says, “Did you tell your work you weren’t moving?”

  I nod and smile. “Yes. I’m not going anywhere, Mari. Like I said yesterday, you’re stuck with me.”

  I head into the kitchen to find something to eat. I decide a baked potato is a good idea and after I eat, I head to my room to take a shower. Shannon and Cory are walking out and Shannon stops to hug me.

  “Glad we got this all sorted out. I’m with Mari, though. No more drinking at three in the afternoon. I can’t take it.”

  I haven’t checked my phone for about an hour and when I glance at it before I get in the shower I see the only call I’ve missed is from my mom. I send her a text to let her know I’m okay and that I’ll call her tomorrow. I remember I was supposed to call Jill. I take a quick shower, blow-dry my hair, put on a pink pair of boy shorts and a white tank top and climb into bed. It’s only a little after eight but I’m wiped out. It’ll do me good to get a full night’s sleep. I call Jill after I get under the covers. She answers on the first ring.

  “Hey, Jill. Sorry I didn’t call sooner. Busy day.”

  “No worries. Just wanted to see what happened with the job. You never called me.”

  Crap. I forgot I said I’d let her know what was going on. “Well, I got the job, but I’m not going to take it. I’ve decided not to move. Don’t hate me.”

  I feel bad. We spent all last weekend making plans. I know she’ll be disappointed.

  “Good. I’m glad to hear that.”

  “Uh, okay. You’re happy I’m not moving closer?”

  She laughs. “It would be great to be closer, but you aren’t doing it for the right reasons. I’m no relationship expert, Lexie, but you need to try and fix things with Julian. It was so obvious how in love you are with him and moving isn’t going to make that go away. Plus, I don’t know what I’m even going to do. I might end up moving down there.”

  I spend the next half hour telling her about what happened this week with Julian, and about my visit to the cemetery. She listens and when I’m done she surprises me with her words.

  “I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this, but you’re so much stronger for it. I envy you. I really do. I wish I had any sense of clarity. Nothing about what you said surprises me though. You’ve always been the strong one. You’re just the only one who doesn’t see it.”

  My eyes tear up. It’s been so awesome getting closer to my sisters over the past few months. Even Tracy and I have been talking regularly. I’ve always thought Jill was the strong one and I tell her so. I also tell her she just needs to trust herself and the answers will come. We chat for a little longer and when we say goodbye, I feel even better about my decision to stay.

  Chapter Thirty

  As tired as I am, I can’t fall asleep. I have a little TV in my room but I hardly ever watch it. Tonight I want something to take my mind off of the fact it’s basically been twenty-four hours and I still haven’t heard from Julian. I flip through the channels and can’t make myself change the channel when I find The Notebook. It’s probably not the best movie for me to watch but it’s like a car crash on the freeway and I can’t stop looking.

  Halfway in, I’m reaching for the tissues on my nightstand and thinking about how I might’ve had this kind of love with Julian had I not totally blown it. I lie there in the dark, watching Noah tell Allie about the love he feels for her and my heart feels so heavy. I’m so engrossed in my pity party I don’t hear a car pull up in my driveway. I don’t hear the knock on the door either. I do hear the ping on my phone that says I have a new text and when I look at it my heart starts racing.

  Julian: I’m at your front door

  Oh my God. I pop out of bed and look out my window. This isn’t a dream. Julian’s Jag is in my driveway. I run into the bathroom and splash cold water on my face and walk to the door. I open it and find Julian sitting on the porch steps, his back is to me. When he hears the door open he stands up and turns around. His eyes are rimmed with red, as if he’s been crying, and he looks like he hasn’t slept in days. His normal stubble is more grown out and his hair is longer than I’ve seen it. With that said, he still looks beautiful to me in his black button down and jeans. Only Julian can pull of this haggard look and still look incredibly handsome.

  The screen door is still shut between us and I push it open as he takes a small step forward.

  I skip the formalities. “Do you want to come in?” I move to the side.

  He runs his eyes up and down my body and I remember I’m not wearing much. His searing look makes me feel naked and exposed, yet desired, for a brief moment. It passes when he speaks.

  He shakes his head. “I’m not going to come in, Alexa. I just came by to tell you something.”

  Oh shit. He came by to blow me off in person. He’s nothing if not well mannered.

  “What is it, Julian? Are you okay? You look really upset.”

  “Caroline had her baby tonight.” He pauses and it seems like he’s gauging what he should say next. That’s why he looks tired. He’s probably been at the hospital. No wonder he didn’t text me back. He was busy starting his family.

  “You came all the way to tell me that?”

  My question doesn’t come out bitchy or sarcastic because I’m not trying to be either. I’m truly confused as to why he felt the need to drive all the way here to tell me news he knew would hurt. Oh snap. That’s why he did it, to hurt me back.

  “The baby isn’t mine. You were right.”

  I can’t believe what I’m hearing. It sounded like he just said the baby wasn’t his.

  “What do you mean the baby isn’t yours, Julian? Are you sure? How do you know?”

  I’m trying to remain calm but I can’t. My heart is racing and my hand that’s still on the door knob is shaking slightly.

  “Let’s just say the baby looks nothing like me. I asked her point blank and she admitted it wasn’t mine.”

  My mind shifts into high gear and I push down the questions
that are racing through my mind. I don’t want to seem happy, although I am, because he looks anything but happy. That in itself makes me uncomfortable. Why isn’t he thrilled?

  “I don’t know what to say. It’s obvious you’re very upset and I’m sorry for that. Are you sure you don’t want to come in? We can talk about it.”

  He runs his hands through his hair and takes a step backward.

  “You want to talk about it? What exactly do you want to talk about? How happy you are it’s not mine? How fucking stupid I was to believe her? How hurt my parents are? How the only thing I could think of after she said it wasn’t mine was getting to you?” He takes a breath and then continues his rant. “Or do you want to talk about how mad I am at you? Or about how my life just got turned upside down for the second time in two months? What should we talk about?”

  His voice remains steady and calm but I can see the pain he’s feeling. He’s all over the place and I’m sure all of the emotions he’s been holding in are bubbling up to the surface. I don’t see the calm, confident, composed Julian I’ve come to know and love. I see a man who is lost and it shakes me to my core.

  “We can talk about it all, Julian. Just come in.”

  My hands are shaking as I reach out to him and take his hand. He lets me, and looks down at our entwined fingers for a moment before he looks up at me. Through the pain I see the desire that was sparked by my touch. It’s always this way. No matter what our hearts and minds say, our bodies know they belong together. I turn and walk to my room and don’t let go of his hand. I shut the door behind us and only then do I let go. I sit on my bed and watch as Julian paces back and forth. I don’t know what to say. I’m completely unprepared for this news and don’t know what to talk about first.

  It feels like hours before he talks even though it’s probably not even minutes.

  “Estoy tan enojado contigo, Lexie. So mad.”

  Ah. Lexie. Not Alexa. Good.

  “I know, and it’s okay. I’m pretty mad at myself too.” I try and lighten the conversation because the intensity of this moment is overwhelming.