Becoming Indigo

by Tara Taylor

  “Yup,” I said. I started walking, and he fell into pace beside me. “You wanna wear heels, you learn to walk barefoot.” I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. “So … you never answered me. Where did you learn to kick like that?”

  “I have a brown belt in karate,” he said. “My mother thought I was too skinny for my own good, so she made me take karate. I happened to like it, and I was good at it.”

  I playfully nudged him with my shoulder. “You’re just being modest. You could have taken on a whole group of those guys.”

  He laughed. “Nope. We would have gotten creamed. Two was enough for me.” He paused for a moment. “That’s the first time I’ve ever used my karate on anyone. Well, except in class. I have to say, I still feel a bit lightheaded. I guess my mom was right.” He rubbed shoulders with me. “Little did she know I’d actually protect a girl, too. I can’t wait to tell her.”

  This time, I took his hand. By now, we were almost at my apartment. I slowed my steps, liking the feel of his hand in mine. I had to work in the morning, but I didn’t want the night to end. I really liked being with Paul. He was full of surprises.

  We stopped in front of my apartment, right by the bus stop. I’d only ever had one boyfriend in my life, and I wasn’t the type to go around having casual flings, so I was totally unsure about what to do next. Did I ask him to come upstairs? Did he need a drink of water after all that running? I was parched. But … would that be too forward? Would he want more from me?

  Words sat on the tip of my tongue, but nothing came out. I was saved from speaking when he suddenly ran toward a garden that was in the yard beside our apartment.

  “Paul! What are you doing?” I laughed.

  He quickly picked a daisy, then ran back to me. “Here,” he said. “For you.”

  “How did you know daisies are my favorite flower?” I took that daisy from him and put it to my cheek and smiled.

  He shrugged and grinned. “I didn’t. It was the first flower I saw.”

  He stepped toward me, and I didn’t move away. We stood not even a foot apart. In the distance, I heard a bus barreling down the street, the rumbling loud in the quiet night air.

  “There’s my bus,” said Paul, sounding a bit relieved.

  He started fishing around in his pockets for some change.

  When he was unsuccessful, I quickly pulled my wallet out of my purse. “I have some,” I said. I handed him the coins he needed.

  “Thanks.” He kissed the coins. “If they had taken your purse, I wouldn’t have bus fare.”

  Again, I laughed. His lighthearted attitude was like a cool glass of water, totally refreshing. As we waited for the bus to come to a full stop, he ever so gently pulled one tiny wisp of hair off my face. How he saw the little piece of hair shocked me. The touch from his fingers felt like comfortable worn leather on my skin.

  “Can I pay you back for the bus fare with a coffee tomorrow?” he asked.

  “I’d like that,” I replied.

  “We can go to Starbucks.” His face lit up into a smile. “My soon-to-be new place of employment, according to you.” He touched my nose. Then he took the daisy and put it behind my ear. “It suits you,” he said. “Always sunny and bright.”

  I laughed and playfully punched his chest. He grabbed my hand and held it in his.

  His face was close to mine, and I wanted him to kiss me, I really did.

  The bus lurched to a stop in front of us, the doors blasted open, and he gestured to my apartment. “You better go inside.”

  Without another word, Paul climbed the stairs, and the bus doors clapped shut. From the other side of the doors, I saw him point at my apartment, telling me to get inside.

  Of course, I didn’t listen to him. Instead, I stood on the street and watched the red taillights of the bus get smaller and smaller. And the entire time I stood there, with the daisy still tucked behind my ear, I touched my face at exactly the spot where he had moved that one little strand of hair.

  Chapter Ten

  “So … what’s up with you and Paul?” Sarah popped a piece of popcorn into her mouth. Jewel played on our stereo.

  “What do you mean?” I asked nonchalantly, taking a handful of popcorn just to seem at ease. What was going on between Paul and me? Even I wasn’t sure. One thing I knew for certain, he was fun to be with. Even heavy conversations were light. And … there was the fact he had a brown belt in karate.

  “You spent the entire weekend with him,” whispered Sarah. “That’s what’s up. And he’s still here.” She pointed down the hall to the washroom.

  “We’re friends,” I whispered back. “He never stayed overnight. And he’s leaving in, like, five minutes.”

  “He’s a really nice guy,” Natalie piped in. “I like him. I’d like a boyfriend like him. I still can’t believe he kicked those thugs.”

  “He’s not my boyfriend,” I stated, maybe a little too adamantly.

  “Indie needs a nice guy after John.” Sarah curled her lip and made a snarky face. “That guy was sooo controlling.” She looked at me. “Paul is good for you, Indie. Why are you holding back? And I can tell you are. I bet he hasn’t even kissed you yet.”

  Just then, Paul walked into the living room. I jumped up. I so hoped our conversation had been drowned out by the loud music.

  “I’m gonna head out,” he said.

  “I’ll walk you downstairs,” I replied.

  When we hit the street, the sun was just setting, so a beautiful lavender hue tinted the horizon. We leaned against Mable, and our shoulders touched. Paul took my hand in his. “I had a great weekend.”

  “Me too.” I let him hold my hand.

  “You’re really fun to be with.”

  “You too.” I sounded like a chirping parrot.

  He squeezed my hand, then dropped it. I could tell he wanted to kiss me, just like on Friday night, but he jingled his car keys instead.

  “I guess I should go,” he said.

  I lowered my head and let my hair hang in front of my face. I felt a hand on the side of my face, pushing my hair behind my ear. Paul leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. “I can wait,” he whispered. “See you next week.”

  When I walked back into the apartment, Sarah said, “So?”

  “So. What?”

  “Did you let him kiss you?”

  “It’s none of your business,” Natalie chided Sarah. “Leave her alone.”

  “Why are you holding back?” Sarah moaned.

  “I’m not holding back,” I replied. “I’m just … taking my time. I like our friendship. What’s wrong with that?”

  Sarah rolled her eyes and threw a piece of popcorn in the air, catching it in her mouth. Sunday evenings we often spent hanging out, just the three of us, with popcorn and diet soda. It was a time when we could catch up on the week. I flopped on the sofa.

  “Indie,” said Sarah. She was obviously not going to let up on the Paul conversation. “I’ve seen you with guy friends. You’ve had tons. I know how you act around all the guys who are your friends. And that is not how you are acting with Paul. I still don’t understand how you just caved with John but you’re holding back with Paul.”

  I looked away. “John wasn’t that bad,” I said. Why was I defending him? Something bristled inside me when Sarah talked badly about him. His dysfunctional home life played a part in his mood swings, of that I was certain. Sarah was right; I hadn’t held back with John.

  And no, Paul and I hadn’t kissed yet, but maybe we never would.

  “I’ve never met John, so I can’t comment.” Natalie picked up her guitar and strummed a few chords. “But from the sound of it, I don’t think I want to.” Suddenly Natalie put her guitar down. “I’m gonna change topics.” She held up her glass. “Let’s have a good ole Newfoundland toast. Green Lady is gone!”

  We clinked our glasses.

  “To Green Lady’s disappearance into thin air. Like, literally into thin air,” said Sarah. “May she have a wonderfu
l time in heaven.” Sarah grinned at me. “That is where she will go, isn’t it, Indie?”

  “I hope so.” I tried to smile.

  “I haven’t seen her all weekend,” said Sarah.

  “Or heard her crying,” said Natalie. “I think she really is gone. I hope she is with her family. That’s where she should be.”

  “Your boss is one smart lady,” said Sarah.

  “Yeah,” I said. “Annabelle is pretty incredible.”

  Natalie tilted her head and glanced at me. “What else has she been teaching you?”

  All week I had been waiting for the moment when I could pull out my cards and practice my readings with Sarah and Natalie. Annabelle had told me that once I felt confident in my own readings, to try practicing on friends. Feeling shy about it all, I had been waiting for the exact right moment. I jumped up. “I’ll be right back.”

  I ran to my room, grabbed my cards and books, and sped back to the living room. I hurried so I wouldn’t lose my nerve.

  “Annabelle gave me these, and I’m supposed to practice on people. Read for them.”

  Sarah held up her hand. “Read for them? Read what?”

  I shrugged. “I dunno, really. Read their future. See things that might happen for them.”

  Natalie clapped. “Ohhhh. That sounds fun.”

  “You can go first,” said Sarah to Natalie.

  I plunked down on the floor and sat cross-legged. Natalie sat in front of me.

  First, I went through what Annabelle had taught me and made Natalie knock the cards. Then, I got her to shuffle them. She was a lot better at shuffling than I was. Once she was finished, I said, “Okay, you will pull three cards. The first will be your past, the second the present, and the third your future.”

  I fanned the cards out and told her to try and feel for sensations. Natalie closed her eyes, and ran her hand over the cards. Suddenly, she squealed. “This one is hot!”

  “Pick it,” I said.

  After she had picked three, she flipped them all over.

  “Okay,” I began, “your first card is Forgiveness, and this is your past.”

  I knew Sarah was staring at me. And Natalie was waiting for me to say something. I glanced down at the card, at the pretty flower on the front. Suddenly, my body stilled and the flower seemed to flutter in a light breeze. I saw a mother and child. The mother was hanging laundry on a clothesline, and the child ran underneath the sheets holding the exact flower that was on the card. The child was happy until the mother just vanished.

  I blew out a rush of air.

  “What is it?” Natalie asked.

  I looked up and into her eyes. “You have to forgive your mother,” I said quietly. “You’ve never talked about her, but you have to forgive her for leaving.”

  Silence blanketed us for a few moments.

  Finally Natalie whispered, “You can see my mother?”

  “I just saw a mother with a child. And then she vanished.” I looked up. “Did she leave when you were little?”

  Natalie nodded. “When I was five. I’ve never seen her since. She lives somewhere in Ottawa.” Natalie paused. “That’s … that’s why I came here. To find her.” Tears welled in Natalie’s eyes. “When I got an apartment and a job right away, I knew it was meant to be.”

  Sarah put her arm around Natalie. “You never told us any of this.”

  Natalie swiped at her tears. “I haven’t told anyone. Not even my grandmother. She raised me after my mother left. I don’t know what I would do without her.”

  “Your grandma knows why you’re here,” I said.

  Natalie pointed to the second card. “This is my present card, right?”

  I glanced down at the second card she’d picked. Truth.

  “Does this mean my mom will tell me the truth?” Natalie asked.

  I looked at the card for a second, hoping for a yes to sound in my mind, but nothing came. I inhaled, because Annabelle had told me that breathing was freeing and allowed the senses to be alerted. On my third inhale, I heard the word no.

  I almost gasped out loud. How was I going to tell Natalie that I didn’t think her mother was going to come clean?

  I reached for the book. “Sometimes the book can help,” I said. As I flipped to the right page I said, “I don’t think this card is about your mother, but more about you.”

  As soon as I looked at the page, one sentence just jumped out at me. I read out loud, “This is a powerful card of healing, and you have drawn it because you are seeking to understand the significance of your present challenges and to clearly determine the course of action that will best support all aspects of your well-being.”

  I took Natalie’s hand in mine. “If your mom doesn’t tell the truth, or the meeting with her isn’t good, it’s not your fault. You are to forgive her and walk away from her.” I paused. “Natalie,” I said, “I don’t know if this reunion is going to be what you want it to be. She might still be really messed up.” I looked at Natalie. “Did you set the meeting up with her already?”

  Natalie lowered her head and nodded. “When I arrived in Ottawa, I did some searching. I went through about 20 phone numbers before she answered. But when she did and I heard her voice, I thought that was a sign that we were meant to meet. She said she would like to see me.”

  “Did she sound messed up?”

  “Not too bad. I mean, I’m not totally in the dark. My grandmother told me she left me because she was an addict. Heroin, I think. But … on the phone she said she stopped. We’re supposed to meet next week.”

  I put my hand on top of hers. “Natalie, don’t be disappointed if it doesn’t work out how you planned.”

  “Okay.” Her voice sounded small.

  I picked up the last card. Self-Worth. I heard music playing in my head, and I closed my eyes. It wasn’t Jewel, like we had playing in the background. This was Celtic music. I opened my eyes and put my hand on her hand. “You are going to do something wonderful with your music.”

  Natalie shook her head. “I’m going into engineering at Queen’s next year.”

  “Yes,” I said. “But all this pain you feel right now will be used to write songs. You will sing in coffeehouses while you’re at school.”

  “Wow,” said Natalie. She sighed. “This is so freaky.”

  Suddenly, a wave of reality washed over me, and I realized that while I was reading the cards, I had been somewhere far away. And now … I was back in my living room, in my apartment. And I was just Indigo Russell. I gathered the cards up and started to put them back in the box, when Natalie touched my arm.

  “Thank you,” she said. “You have no idea how you have helped me.”

  “We’ll be here for you, Natalie,” said Sarah.

  “I know. I love you guys. You’ve made my move to Ottawa.”

  We had a group hug, and when we pulled apart, Natalie shook her finger at Sarah. “Your turn now.”

  “Do you need a break, Indie?” Sarah paused for a moment, wringing her hands together. “I have to admit, I’m a little scared of what you might find out about me.” She laughed nervously.

  The laugh sounded so familiar. So many people had the same jitters when they came to see Annabelle.

  “Aren’t yah interested to know about you and Tyler?” Natalie urged.

  “No!” Sarah shot back. “Why jinx it? If I would ask anything, I would ask about what the hell is going to happen to me with my work. I am so sick of my job serving eggs and sausage. And I need something new and I have ideas, but they’re so dumb and don’t make much sense. I want to know what to do with my life.”

  “Knock the cards, then shuffle them,” I said.

  “You’re on, girl.”

  I ate popcorn as I watched her shuffle. When she spilled the cards all over the floor, like I had the first time I’d shuffled them, Natalie and I laughed.

  Sarah must have shuffled the cards for five minutes straight. Natalie and I kept looking at each other and rolling our eyes and shaking our hea
ds.

  I started off the same way as I had with Natalie, telling Sarah to pick three cards. “Now, if you want to ask a question, go ahead. I didn’t do that with Natalie, but I can do that with you. Go ahead, Sarah.”

  “What kind of work am I supposed to go into?”

  “Pick three cards,” I said.

  Sarah closed her eyes and in a matter of seconds, had picked three cards. I couldn’t help but wonder if that would make a difference to the reading.

  She flipped them over. The first card was Awareness. For some reason, a couple of nights ago, I had studied the book and loved this card. The photo was a close-up shot of the inside of a peach-colored flower. Little tentacles seemed to be fluttering out of the center. The inside of the flower was the focal point. It made me think that our insides were more important than our outsides, and I knew the card meant the person was longing for some kind of awakening that would assure her of her path. As I stared at the flower, particularly the heart of the flower, I saw the petals opening to allow the center to flourish.

  I could hear Sarah and Natalie breathing beside me. I took a deep breath of my own and said, “All the stuff you show the world, all your toughness, is a mask. At your center, you have a huge heart.”

  “That doesn’t mean anything,” moaned Sarah. “You know me too well.”

  I held up my hand. “Let me finish.” I closed my eyes and breathed in and out. “Your shell is going to crumble to let your heart out. You will use this to help people.”

  I opened my eyes and glanced down at the second card, because the first one was making me draw a blank. Attention.

  I pointed to the second card. “This is a card about accepting your abilities and about release and freedom.” I thought again how weird it was that I could remember what I read. If only I’d been able to do that in science class! I tapped the center of the card. “Once you open up your heart, you are going to figure out what you are supposed to do.”

  I saw a piece of paper floating across the cards. It made no sense, but I could hear Annabelle in my head, telling me to say what I saw and not to try and figure it out. “I’m seeing a piece of paper, and I don’t know what it means, but it is important.”