And he loves you so much, Faye. From the minute you were born, he adored you. Worshipped you as if you were his own flesh and blood. His illness means he can’t ever father children. That is the real reason why you don’t have brothers and sisters. I’m sorry for lying to you about this too, but I worried if I told you that you’d start questioning your existence before you were ready to deal with the truth. He supports my decision regarding your biological dad. He agrees that you have a right to know and a right to decide what you want to do with the knowledge.
Another splinter cracks my heart wide open. I’m not surprised my dad reacted like that—he always had the biggest heart.
James contacted me a few years after I got married, and after I got over my initial panic attack, I agreed to meet with him purely for one reason and one reason only: to find out if he was your dad. By that time, I was in the height of my guilt over what we’d done, and I could barely even glance at James. I look back now and hate myself for how I treated him, but I was so ashamed, and I took it out on him. He deserved better. He seemed happy, and I was grateful for that, and he appeared to truly love his wife and their children. I thought it was ironic that he ended up bringing up another man’s children. In a way, it made sense.
I took his cup with me and used the DNA and yours to get some tests done. The tests revealed that he wasn’t your father, and I’ve never felt so conflicted. I cried happy tears. I cried sad tears. My heart ached for Adam, for depriving him of you, but what could I do? I knew he was recently married as I’d seen it in a society magazine, and I didn’t feel like I had the right to thrust this knowledge upon him when he had moved on in his life.
Michael begged me to tell Adam, and that should’ve made it easier for me, but I was scared Adam might try and gain custody of you. He came from money, and we had very little, and I knew we would lose in any custody battle, so I chose not to tell him. I know now that it was the wrong call. He has missed out on so much of your life, and he can never get that back. You can never get that time back. I’m sorry, Faye. I’m sorry that I failed you, but please believe me when I say I always had your best interests at heart, even if they were misguided at times.
He doesn’t know, Faye. To this day, Adam doesn’t know he’s your dad. I never told him. I misled you on so many things, and I hate myself for it, but it was so hard deciding when to tell you, and how to tell you. There is never a right time to tell someone you love something like this. No matter how or when I tell you, you are going to be devastated. I wish I could save you the pain, but I can’t.
I had decided to tell you when you turned thirteen, but you were going through a horrific time after what happened with Daniel and Vera. I spoke to your psychologist, and she advised me to wait. She was concerned it would set back your recovery. Then we moved to Dublin, and you were settling into a new school, and you met Luke and you seemed happy. I didn’t want to undo all your progress. So, Dad and I decided we’d tell you when you were eighteen and let you choose whether you wanted to meet Adam or not. We are not passing the responsibility onto you out of selfishness, but I believe, at eighteen, you have the right to choose whether you want to get to know your biological father or not. I’ve made enough decisions on your behalf. This is the one thing I can let you steer. I’ve written a letter for Adam too. I’ve told him he has a daughter, because he has a right to know, and I can’t keep it from him any longer, but I’ve asked him to not contact you until you are ready to meet with him. I don’t know if he will respect my wishes. I don’t know the man he is today, but James will shelter you if necessary.
The solicitor has Adam’s full contact details, and he has been advised to provide same to you should you request them. I haven’t supplied them in this letter because I know you will need time to think all of this through.
Writing this letter has been physically draining but strangely cathartic too. There have been tears. Plenty of tears. I imagine you have shed some too. I wonder what you think of me now? I hope you don’t despise me, though I wouldn’t blame you if you did. But I know my baby girl, and I trust her to make the right decisions, to deal with this with strength and humility and to (hopefully) find a way to forgive me.
Everything I have done has been borne out of love for you.
If I die today, I can say I’ve had a good life. A great life. Because I had you and Michael in it. Because our little family was everything I would’ve asked God for if I had known to ask for it. I’m not proud of some of the things I’ve done, but I don’t regret a single thing. You have been the very best part of me and I love you with my whole heart.
I trust my brother with your life in a way I couldn’t trust anyone else. I have no doubt James will do right by you which is why I requested him as your guardian. You always longed for an extended family, and now you have one.
Be brave, baby girl. Continue to make me proud (I know you will) but most importantly, BE HAPPY. Love large. When you find the one—the man you can’t live without—tell him, show him, love him, every day of your life. Never take it for granted, no matter how many challenges are thrown your way. Don’t let anyone dictate the love you have in your life. Be brave to make the right choices for the man you love, and have a great life, Faye, because you deserve it.
No matter what you end up doing, know that I will be looking down from my perch in Heaven, beaming with pride, and so grateful for the years we did have together.
Now, dry your eyes, push your sadness away, and embrace all the wonderful things you have to look forward to.
Never forget how much I loved you. How much we loved you.
Yours, forever,
Mum.
XX
Chapter Thirty-Four
I carefully tuck the letter away and place the envelope in the drawer of my locker. Snuggling back into Ky’s chest, I let every emotion I’m feeling run rampant inside me. He holds me securely, running his hand smoothly up and down my back. It’s hard to hold onto my anger now that I know the full story. “She must’ve been so scared,” I whisper into Ky’s chest. “I can’t imagine being pregnant and having to run away and fend for myself.”
“I can see where you get your strength from now,” he says. “Your mom was an awesome lady. I’m sad I never got to meet her.”
“Me too.”
More silence descends but it’s not uncomfortable.
“She loved your dad,” I say, looking up at Ky. “He protected her and cared for her, and she knew he would do the same for me.”
“Dad’s good at that.” His voice is ragged and laced with emotion.
“I have a dad out there somewhere.” I lift my head and twist around so I’m facing him with my hands on his broad chest.
“Do you want to meet him?”
“I don’t know. It’s a lot to take in.” I bite my lip. “What if he doesn’t want to meet me?”
“Then he’s a fool, and he’ll miss out on meeting the most amazing girl to walk the planet.”
“You’re clearly biased.”
He rubs his nose against mine. “I might be, but then so is Brad and my parents and all my brothers. You’re amazing, Faye.” He grips my chin. “Own it.”
I grin as I briefly join our mouths. “I will if you do.” He arches a brow. “You’re pretty damn amazing yourself.”
“Shite,” he says, borrowing one of my words. “We’ve already turned into one of those nausea-inducing couples. I’m gonna get hell for this when we go public.”
“Does that bother you?”
He smooths the lines in my forehead with his thumb. “Not a bit, and you’re worth it.” His wide smile lights me up on the inside.
I bite down on my lip as I recall my mother’s words. “Do I show you enough? Tell you enough? Love you enough?”
He goes stock-still, staring at me with shell-shocked eyes. Acknowledgment dawns, and even though I wouldn’t think it possible, his
smile expands even more. “You do, babe.” He stares lovingly into my face, leaning forward to plant a cute little kiss on the tip of my nose. My heart is running a marathon in my chest as he holds me close to him. “You’re my one and only, Faye. Just thought I’d add that so there’s no confusion.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
I’m knocking on James’s bedroom door before the sun has risen in the early morning sky. I can’t wait any longer to talk to him. He doesn’t object, opening his door and welcoming me with open arms. We spend hours talking about Mum. He reads my letter and I read his. Some of it is difficult to read, but it’s as Mum said—it’s strangely therapeutic.
Later, the triplets blow out the candles on their cake and open their presents before we head to a restaurant in Boston Harbor to celebrate their birthday. Talk at the table is jovial even when James and I explain in hushed tones about the letters—sans mention of the incest, of course. Alex looks out the window the entire time, and I figure any conversation about my mother is difficult for her now, knowing what she does about the true nature of her relationship with James.
Back at the house, I pull Kaden and Keven aside. It hadn’t occurred to me until we were discussing it earlier, how similar our situations are. They also discovered they had a different bio dad when they were eighteen. I’m keen to hear their perspective. “Do you regret it? Meeting your biological dad?”
They share apprehensive looks. “I do.” Keven speaks up first. “I wish we’d never tracked him down. I’d rather not have known that pathetic excuse of a man was my father.” A sour note crosses over his face.
“I don’t regret it,” Kaden says. “If we hadn’t met him I would’ve always wondered about him. It’s better to face the reality than live a lie or live with some imaginary vision of a perfect dad. I was furious with Mom and Dad for keeping his existence a secret, and I’ve only recently forgiven them for that, even though I understood why they kept it from me after I met the man. I know why you’re asking, and if you want my advice, I’d go meet your dad. Nothing good comes from hiding behind the truth.”
“I completely disagree,” Keven says. “I wish I’d kept that imaginary dad in my head instead of meeting that washed-up alco who still thinks he’s a worshiped Motocross Champ.”
Deep lines crease my brow as a flurry of butterflies swarms my gut. “Wait? He’s a Motocross Champion?”
“Not anymore, but he was quite famous in his day.”
All the color leaches from my skin as a thought explodes in my mind.
Kaden squeezes my hand, misinterpreting my expression. “I know you’ve a big decision to make, and we probably haven’t helped but it doesn’t matter anyway because you’re the only one who can make this choice. You and you alone have to make the decision.”
“Don’t rush into it,” Keven proposes. “Take your time to think it through, and you know where we are if you need to discuss it further.”
“Thanks a mill,” I say, getting up in a bit of a daze, his words not properly registering. An ice-cold grip has seized my heart. “I’m gonna head to my room. I’ve a lot to think about.” My brain is computing all the facts, and I need to find out if my suspicion is correct.
I almost collide with Alex as I leave the living room and enter the lobby. She’s tucked in behind the doorframe, just out of sight. Her eyes dart wide when she spots me, but she hurriedly composes herself. “Everything okay, sweetheart?”
“Grand,” I lie, forcing a smile. “I’ve a lot on my mind, and I need some time alone to process things.”
“Of course. Let us know if you need anything.” She breezes past me up the stairs to her room, and I continue down the corridor toward my bedroom, grateful now that Brad and Ky have headed out on their bikes. What I need to do next requires me to be completely undisturbed.
What did people do for research before Google I wonder as I trawl through numerous articles and skim images on my phone. In less than an hour, I know pretty much all I need to know. It’s been niggling at my subconscious since that conversation I had with James in his study, and now I think I know why. This is one occasion where I’m fervently hoping I’m wrong, but I have a strong suspicion I’m right.
Clutching my phone to my chest, I slip out of my room in my socks and tiptoe quietly to the mezzanine level. Lights and the low hum of the TV tell me that Alex hasn’t retired to bed yet but her door is closed so I should be able to sneak into James’s office without anyone noticing.
I close the door quietly behind me and switch the small desktop lamp on while my eyes scan the room for what I need. A line of leather-bound family albums are stacked in a row on the upper bookshelf, and I make a beeline for them. My eyes skim across the albums until I find the burgundy-colored one James showed me previously. I take it over to one of the velvet-covered chairs, pulling my feet up underneath me. I flip through the pages until I come to the set of baby pictures I need. I compare them, noting the subtle differences that no one would question until they need to. My suspicion is confirmed, and I abhor it.
Resting my head back, I shutter my eyes as agonizing pain shreds my heart into itty-bitty pieces. I want to be wrong about this but I genuinely don’t think I am.
I need to confront Alex.
Demand she admit the truth because secrets and lies are destroying this family from the inside out, and the only way they’ll be able to pick up the pieces is with a fresh start. That can’t happen until all the dirty laundry has been aired. The slate can’t be wiped clean until everything is out in the open.
This responsibility shouldn’t fall on my shoulders, but Alex has had years to face up to this. Hell, she had the perfect opportunity to do this a few weeks ago, and the fact she didn’t volunteer the information then tells me she’s not going to willingly do so. It’s clear my uncle doesn’t know about this either, and I can only imagine what this revelation is going to do to him too. I get up, fierce determination etched across my face. I’ll force her to face up to it because this secret can’t stay hidden.
Above everything, Ky deserves to know the truth.
And I love him enough to be the one to force it out into the open.
No more bloody lies.
Clasping the album to my chest, I storm out of the study and burst into Alex’s bedroom. The door swings open and Alex jumps on the chaise longue, turning startled eyes on me as wine sloshes out of her glass onto her blouse. She’s drinking again. That’s not a good sign. “Faye,” she pants, slapping a hand over her chest. “You frightened me.”
I slam the photo album down on the coffee table with a loud thud. “I know.”
She frowns, staring at the album with a look of confusion on her face.
Hell. How many more secrets is she keeping that this one isn’t immediately obvious?
“I don’t understand.” She starts flipping through the pages as I pace back and forth in front of her, willing myself to calm down. Any sympathy I might’ve had for her is rapidly diminishing. Her face drops and her eyes stretch wide. I can almost see the little wheels turning in her head.
She stands up, gripping me by the shoulders. “Whatever you think it is, I can explain.”
I stare into her piercing green eyes. “Don’t even think about bullshitting me. I know I’m right. I can’t believe no one else has figured this out! Especially Kaden and Keven!”
Her face turns a sickly shade of pale as she races to the bathroom and throws up. I flop down on the chaise longue, holding my head in my hands. I can’t believe this. It’s going to devastate him.
“Please don’t say anything,” she begs returning to the room with a small hand towel pressed to her mouth. She pushes the door closed with her bare foot but it doesn’t close all the way.
“I’m sorry, Alex, but I can’t agree to that. James doesn’t know either, does he?”
She slouches against the wall as her
entire frame shakes. “No, and it’ll kill him. You can’t tell him! You heard what Kaden and Keven said earlier. No good will come from this.”
“James has a right to know Ky isn’t his biological son! And Ky deserves to know the truth about his father!”
“James loves Ky like he’s his own. What harm is there in letting that be? Your own situation is clouding your judgment.” Alex stumbles back, dropping inelegantly onto the chaise longue beside me. Her panicked eyes latch onto mine as I sink to my knees in front of her, a dead weight pressing down on my chest.
“How could you do this to them?” I whisper. “How could you live this lie for so long?” I clamp a hand across my mouth as the magnitude of my discovery hits home.
Silence engulfs the room as we stare at one another. Slowly, tears roll down her face, dripping onto her chin. She opens and closes her mouth. “I didn’t mean to deceive him,” she admits, after a bit. “I swear.”
“Did you know all along?” I ask. “Did you trick my uncle into marrying you?”
She shakes her head. “No! My feelings for James were real. And I didn’t know, not at first, I swear it.”
Maybe I’m gullible, but I believe her.
“I got pregnant the first time I slept with James, or so I thought. We were only back in the States a couple of weeks when I did the test. I was so scared. I thought he’d run out on me, so I didn’t tell him straightaway. To be honest, I was in denial. I hadn’t gone to the doctor. I kept hoping the test was mistaken, and I was still getting my periods, so I managed to convince myself that it was wrong. But, after a few weeks, my stomach was noticeably larger, and I eventually plucked up the courage to tell James.” Tears pump out of her eyes, and her speech comes out in choked, sporadic clumps. “He was so happy. I couldn’t believe it, but the genuine joy on his face told me he was sincere. I went to the doctors while he stayed at home to mind the boys.”
Losing Kyler (The Kennedy Boys Book 2) Page 32