After Forever Ends

by Melodie Ramone

  He pulled the chair close to the side of the bed and sat, “As we got older, I hoped it would be me who died first. I’m afraid, Oliver. I’m so selfish, really. There you are wasting away and I keep thinking that I’ve never been without my brother. Eighty-five years and I’ve never had my own birthday. I don’t want to start now, either. My God, Ollie, I’ve never even had my own face! I’ll be the only one who looks like me. And then I think what will I do without my brother? Where will I hide? Who will back me up when I bite off more than I can chew? Who is Alexander without Oliver? I don’t know the answers. I’m truly afraid. I feel like half of me is being cleaved off. I love you, Oliver,” His voice broke, “And I don’t want to say what I’m going to, but it must be said…” Alex took a deep breath before he spoke again, “You’re dying and there’s nothing any one of us can do to help you anymore. We watch you fight it and you’re very brave, but…there comes a time when you have to let it go. You don’t have to be strong anymore. This is bigger than you. You can’t beat it and you don’t have to suffer on our account…” He was sobbing now, “I don’t know why it’s you and not me, but you need to go, Brother. You need to go. God, how I will miss you, but, please…”

  Oliver spoke, but I could not make out a word he said. Alexander nodded, “I know you do. No, Oliver, you’ve no reason to be sorry! Lucy will be fine. She’s sad. We’re all sad…what? I promise. I promise I will.” Oliver gurgled something else, “OK. I’ll tell her. I promise, Big Brother.” Alex’s voice broke, “Oliver, it’s OK. Please don’t hurt anymore. I can’t watch you go through this anymore. It’s OK to die now. I swear it is. I will take care of her. I’ll look after Silvia. I promise.”

  I allowed him sit with his head on his brother’s shoulder for a long time before I let my sister go and walked into the room. I put my hand against the back of Alexander’s head and gently stroked his hair, “May I speak to him now?”

  Alex stood and moved the chair aside so I could lie on the bed I shared for so many years with Oliver. Lucy came in and put her arms around her husband. She took him into the front room, but he could hardly walk. She held him up all the way until the nurse offered him her arm.

  After listening to Alex, something had clicked in my mind. That something was that Oliver was not going because of me. When he had promised so many years ago that he’d never leave me alone, we had just been children. Forever had a completely different meaning then. We certainly were not children anymore. It was time for me to release him from that bond. Oliver needed my permission to die.

  I put my face close to his and laid my arm across his chest. What I said was the hardest thing I have ever had to say, “He’s right, Sweetheart,” I whispered into his ear, “It’s OK. You can leave me now. Alexander and I will take care of each other. I won’t be alone. We’ll be fine.” I wove my fingers through his, “I don’t want you to die, but I do understand that you don’t have a choice. You’re not breaking any promises. Don’t suffer for me, Oliver. I would never ask you to. If you’re still afraid, I’ll stay here with you just like this until you’ve left. I’ll hold you forever if you need me to. It’s all right now. I’ll love you still even more when you’re gone. It’s part of the magic, remember?”

  I heard a crack. I thought it was the window before I heard a voice that I had only heard once in my life and not again since.

  “It’s very kind for Silver Miss and the Doppelganger to set the Boy from the Olive Tree free. He’s been fighting Death for days just waiting for the both of you to tell him he could go.”

  “Hello, Lady Folia,” I whispered.

  “He’s had a good life. The best kind and he’ll even have a fine death with the one he was born next to and the one he was meant to walk with at his side.” There was a long pause, “I know not much about the secrets of humans and of how they come and go, but I do know they share a magic with us called Love. It’s a strong magic, it comes from deep within the source of all creation. Because it’s so strong with him he takes it when he crosses through the veil. As well, because he has been so loved, he has even a gift when he arrives. Death has waiting for him the boon you lost so long ago. He’ll be with your Little Cara in a place where no touch can ever harm them.”

  “Have peace, Silver Miss. What she says is true,” It was Lord Copse that spoke, “Death feels cold to the living, but to those he is receiving, he has gentle hands. Because of the magic of Love, when Death comes for you, you will find the boon Cara and he with her. In your time, Silver Miss. In your time, you will.”

  “Thank you,” I whispered, “Thank you both.”

  “There is no thanks needed,” Lady Folia’s voice was reflective, “It has been our great honour to have known a friend as fine as the Boy from the Olive Tree. His crossing the veil does not have the same meaning to us as to you. We will hear him in the whispers and see him on the winds, but even still like you, we will miss his presence in the wood.”

  “In all the ages no one has been as loyal as he,” Lord Copse sounded so close I was sure he stood on the bed, “We must go now and prepare our lament, Silver Miss. Even we somehow must find a way to say goodbye.”

  There was a crack and I knew they had gone.

  Oliver was looking at me. His eyes were cloudy with illness and pain, dulled by medication, but for just a second they looked exactly the same as they had all those years ago when he was a boy making sure I wasn’t hurt after he hit me in the head with a rubber ball.

  “It’s OK. Go now,” I leaned over him and I kissed him on his mouth, “I’ll stay with you. I’m not hurt or ticked off…I’m just fine…”

  “You’re Just Silvia,” He whispered. His voice did not sound like his own except that it was so gentle, “And I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  He pushed the button for more medicine to be released into his IV and closed his eyes. I felt his body relax.

  I lay my head across his chest and held him for a long time. His ribs rose and fell in short, rattled, uneven breaths, but I didn’t let him go. I knew these were our last moments together in this life and I felt like I had the first time we had made love, like I wanted time to stop so we could stay right where we were together forever.

  Hours later when the moon had finally left the sky and I could see light through the window, I felt him leave. It was a physical sensation, like a warm breeze washed over my whole body. I could smell clean earth and burning wood for just a second and then I knew he was gone. I closed my eyes and listened for his heart. Both it and I lay in silence.

  Alexander felt him go, too. He stood straight up from the chair where he had been sleeping. His brown eyes were wide with realization, “He’s left us,” He said softly, leaning over his twin to be sure, “Boyo?” He placed his hand gently against his brother’s chest, “Oliver?”

  There was no response. Oliver lay still. It was the first time I had seen real peace on his face since he’d become ill.

  Alexander hung his head and released a low, suffering moan.

  I left Oliver alone on the bed and I turned to his brother. “It’s just us,” I whispered, taking Alex into my arms, “It’s just you and me, Xander. He’s crossed the veil.”

  “Oh, Sil!” He wailed. “Oh, God, Sil! What’ll we do without him?”

  “We’ll get through it together,” I told him. It was all I could think to say and it seemed fitting. Alexander was really the only person who shared my shattered reality.

  “The world’s ended!” He shook, “The whole world’s ended!”

  Neither of us had the strength to stand. The anguish was too intense. We sank on to the floor, collapsed in each other’s arms, and we shared an emptiness that no one but the two of us could ever comprehend. When we began to cry I remembered what Warren had told me about what would happen if he started. I didn’t think that Alexander, Lucy or I could ever stop.

  Alexander and I spent hours that day and many days and nights following together, holding on to each other like children. In
our minds, we were the only two who really understood what it meant to have Oliver join the whispers. Sometimes for just a second we’d forget what had happened and one of us would smile or make a joke. Then we’d wonder where Oliver went and we’d miss his laughter. The loss would hit us again like a ton of bricks. I was certain for a time neither of us could survive. We were too old not to die from our broken hearts and yet we were each too stubborn to allow the other to quit living.

  “There’s magic here, Sil,” Alexander sounded so much like Oliver it made me ache, “We can’t lose faith. My brother’d have none of that. I promised him. I swore to him I wouldn’t let anyone stop believing or allow anybody to give up. And I won’t. So get yourself out of that bed and let’s go walk down to the lake. We won’t do anything, mind you. My elbow’s old and tired and you could never skip a stone to save your soul. So we’ll just go there and sit around with Lucy and watch the sun shimmer off the water. We’ll think about better times.” He waited for me to move. I didn’t. “Come on, Silvia, I’m too fucking old to pick you up and carry you.”

  “I don’t want to.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because it’s Sunday.”

  “So?”

  “So? What do you know?” I sat up in my bed. I was angry and sad and annoyed that Alex didn’t know what Sunday meant, even though I knew there was no reason why he would. “Every Sunday since Warren left the wood Oliver and I make it a point to lie around all day and do nothing. When we were younger we’d make love all day long, have dinner and get right back into bed. When we got old, we’d nap and read and laugh together. Sundays in bed is a tradition! I don’t feel like breaking it to go standing around with you staring at a stupid pond!”

  He had a look on his face like he was fixing for a row, but instead he kicked off his shoes, “Fine. Move over then,” He pulled up the blanket, “I’m tired anyway.”

  “Get out of my bed, Alex!”

  “Would you quit being so fucking bitchy?” He pulled the blankets over himself, “I’ve been trying my whole life to get into bed with you and you’re ruining it for me!”

  “I’ll tell your wife!”

  “Go ahead! She won’t care!”

  “Lucy!” I called, “Your husband is in my bed!”

  “He isn’t sexually assaulting you, is he?”

  “No. He thinks he’s going to have a kip!”

  “Well, that’s all right then, Sil.”

  Alexander’s eyes were closed, but he was smiling, “See? I told you she doesn’t care.”

  I turned my back to him. It was only a moment before his arm was around me. On the outside of the blanket, of course. “I miss him, too, Sil.” He whispered, “But I’m tired of crying.”

  “I am, too, but I can’t stop,” I wiped my eyes on the sheet.

  “I’m sorry,” Alex was so quiet I almost couldn’t hear him, “You know I love my wife. I love her with my whole heart, but I miss my brother. You’re the closest thing I have to him now. When you and I are together I feel like he’s here. I need you right now, Silvia. I need to be close to you. Lucy understands.”

  I took his hand in mine, “I need you, too, Xan. I feel closer to Oliver when you’re near me, too. I’m sorry I’m being awful. The truth is that you’re the only person who comforts me.”

  “I wish I could make you stop crying.”

  I rolled over laid my head on his chest, “I wish I could you as well.”

  Alexander stroked my hair gently while both of us softly wept.

  Lucy showed no jealousy for being left out of how Alexander and I turned to each other to cope. She allowed us to cling to one another and express ourselves freely without a word, without question, and without interference. It was the greatest demonstration of pure love for two people that I had ever seen any human being make.

  I found her one morning sitting in the garden. She had a book of photos on her lap. The page was open to a picture of her and Oliver. Lucy could not have been more than fifteen years old. In her Bennington uniform, she was perched on Oliver’s back, her arms around his neck, kissing his cheek. He held her under the leg with one hand, the other on the back of her head, eyes tilted toward her, a look on his face as if discovering her there was a complete surprise.

  “I’m sorry, Lucy,” I suddenly realised how selfish I’d been, “I’ve been so caught up in myself that I haven’t even asked how you are doing through all of this. You lost Oliver, too.”

  “Ollie was my brother,” She said softly, staring off at the trees as they moved in the breeze, “I loved him more than I ever told him.”

  “He knew.”

  “I know he did. He always knew. My whole life he looked out for me,” She looked back at the photo and turned the page. The next was one of her and Alexander, still at Bennington, sitting together in the dining hall, her hand in his. Lance took the shot the week before Oliver and I were married. She turned the page again and it was me and the twins, sixth year, sitting together on the quad. Side by side, me in the middle, we were all smiling, and the wind was blowing my hair on to Alex’s shoulder, “Oliver made sure I was set up at Bennington. He made sure everyone knew who I was, that I was one of his own. Everybody loved him, didn’t they?”

  “Yes,” I watched her turn the page again. The next photo was of the twins pretending to strangle each other with their ties, the one below it was of them standing in the West wing, identical in their uniforms. It took me a second to decipher which one was which, but I could tell by the eyes that the one on the left was Ollie, “It was hard not to love him, wasn’t it?”

  “Damn near impossible,” She mumbled. “Did you know that after Alexander and I were together, Oliver used to take me on dates?”

  “Dates?”

  She smiled and turned the page again. The next photo was definitely of Oliver, standing on the corner in Welshpool by his mother’s house. His sunglasses were on top of his head, his t-shirt bore the logo of his favourite football team. His blue jeans were faded and his daps were worn. He wasn’t smiling. He held a book that I had bought for him in his hand, his fingers stuck inside it as if he were saving a page. I realised that the photo been snapped during that awful summer when we’d lost Cara. He looked so stony, so serious, not at all like his normal self. And yet he was still so handsome, his gentle face inviting anyone to ask him what the problem was so that he could unload it from his heart. Poor Ollie. That had been the worst time of his life. Really, it was the worst time of both of ours. I wondered where I had been at that moment and why I had left him alone.

  “Oh, yes! Dates!” She continued, “He used to take me out for chips and ice cream, ‘Dates’, he called them. Do you know why he did it?”

  “Because he loved you.”

  “No, not exactly,” My sister turned to me, giving me a look I could not place, “He did it to fall in love with me.”

  “What?”

  She laughed, “It didn’t make sense to me at first, either. But you knew Ollie! Not much did make sense with him unless you could step out of yourself and see life through his eyes.” She sighed, “Life through his eyes was always very different. It was more fun, full of magic and wonder. Everything was more beautiful through Oliver’s eyes,” She paused, “I was so jealous of you back then. Not because of Oliver, but Alexander.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’ve loved Alexander since the first minute I met him. You and him have always had this…thing.” She drew a breath through her nose and added quickly, “Don’t deny it, Sil! Oliver saw it, too. Oliver saw everything. There wasn’t a thing he missed, even if he acted sometimes like he did. He had a gift. He could look at someone and know exactly what they had in their heart.”

  “Yes, he could.”

  “Anyway, he took me on one of our dates one night and I asked him why he was doing it. I said, ‘I’m only Silvia’s sister, you don’t have to try so hard with me! You know I love you!’ and he told me, ‘But I’m falling madly in love with you, Lucy!’ I was
horrified!” She giggled. Even at eighty years old she still had that girly, silly giggle, “And then he said, ‘Oh, not like that! I’m falling in love with your essence, with your soul!’ and he went on to tell me that he had to be in love with me, because Alexander was in love with you. I wanted to punch him right in the face! How dare he say such a thing to me! Alexander in love with you! But then Oliver explained it. He told me that he knew that Alex always had been, since that first day they met you. He said it was another reason how he knew that you were the right one for him to marry. He could never spend his life with anyone that his brother wasn’t in love with, too. If Alex didn’t love you, you weren’t good enough.” She shook her head with a smile, “And he said he that knew that if he fell in love with me, Alexander couldn’t resist loving me, too. He wanted us together, so he began dating me.”

  I laughed out loud. “That sounds about like him! His logic was mad!”

  “It was! He was mental!” She agreed, “But he was so sweet, wasn’t he? He really saw people. When I was at university, he’d call me sometimes and ask me if I needed anything. ‘Are you all right?’ He’d ask me, “ ‘And don’t lie to me, because I’ll know!’ And later, after Alex and I were together, he always made sure Alexander was treating me well. Oliver was the best. Just simply the best. I miss him so much,” She paused again and looked away from the book. I knew she was collecting herself so she wouldn’t cry. After a moment, she looked back at it and turned the page. The next photo was of her and Alexander, kissing in the garden. It was just of their faces, their eyes closed, Alex’s thumb resting against her cheek.