Choices

by Federici, Teresa

  They crouched another moment, both of them excited in the knowledge that they had seen something that so few people in the world had seen.

  “That was awesome.” Abby breathed. Logan just nodded.

  “I know some wolf researchers who haven’t spent that much time among a pack. It’s not usual. They’re so wary of humans.”

  “I was hoping you would like it.” Logan replied as he stood, stretching to work out the kinks in his legs. He had his arms over his head when Abby barreled into him, almost knocking him down. He laughed as her arms crossed his back in a fierce hug, and he brought his arms around her.

  “What’s that for?” he asked, resting his chin on the top of her head.

  “For thinking about me. For knowing it was something that I would love to see. For knowing that something so simple would mean more to me than anything you could ever buy me.” She rushed out in a torrent of emotion, her words muffled against his chest. Logan tightened his embrace, and said into her hair, “I didn’t do anything special Abby, just got to know you. Did he do that? Take the time to know you?” he asked, grimacing. She seemed so starved for affection sometimes, as if she had been dying of thirst and he was the first one to come along and offer her water.

  She shook her head, bumping his chin.

  “Well, that was his fault. I’m not him, Abby. I won’t ever be him. I won’t ever put you second in my life, not for anything.”

  “That’s all I need to know.”

  Logan got the fire going and cooked a simple stew in a pot hung over it. They ate, not talking, just watching each other in the light of the flames. Abby couldn’t seem to take her eyes off him, feeling that if she did, he would disappear into the dark, fading away like a spectacular dream. She wondered again for what seemed like the hundredth time how someone she had known for so short a time could come to mean so much to her.

  Later, they reclined together facing the fire, Logan with his back resting against a saddle and Abby leaned into his chest, sitting between his long legs. His arms were around her, and she had a hand on his chest, feeling his deep, even heartbeat through the fabric of his coat.

  “I would be supremely happy just to stay here forever like this.” Abby said, content to just lie there and stare at the fire and feel him next to her. Logan kissed the top of her head. “We’d run out of food and then where’d we be?” he joked, and Abby slapped him playfully on his chest.

  “What I meant was, everything is so peaceful and right now I don’t have to think about what lies ahead of me, and how I’m going to get through it.”

  “I’ll be right there with you, every step of the way. You don’t have to worry.” He whispered fiercely, tightening his arms around her, as if that protection alone was enough. She sat up and turned toward him, searching his eyes. It seemed she could see her future there, in the smoky gray depths, and for a moment she believed that everything lying ahead of her would be painless. She knew it wouldn’t be, that the rebuilding of a broken life would be a long, hard road, but she knew Logan would be there for her, and that did make it all seem better.

  “I know that you’ll be there for me, but what happens when I go back to Boston, close up the house, gather my things and what’s left of the life I have there?”

  “I’ll go with you.” he said resolutely.

  She gaped at him. She hadn’t expected that. “What about the ranch? What happens if I have to be there for a while?”

  “Well, I do have Ben to run the ranch while we’re gone, he’s capable. And in this day and age of faxes, Internet, and those wonderful inventions called phones, I’m sure we’ll manage.”

  “I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you, but it must’ve been grand. You’re too good to be true.” She marveled.

  Logan frowned, feeling uncomfortable. “No, that’s not being good, that’s being selfish. I don’t want to let you out of my sight. You might forget me back in Boston.”

  Abby reached up and traced the frown line on his forehead, trying to smooth it away.

  “Logan, I could never forget you.”

  He reached for her hand and planted a soft kiss on her palm. Abby leaned back into him and stared into the fire, her thoughts turning to troubling matters. She needed to tell him she spoke to Steve, and although nothing much had been said, and she had stuck to her guns about relocating, it seemed so wrong that she had lied to him about it. She couldn’t just say, “Oh by the way, I had lied earlier about talking to Steve, ha-ha.” He probably wouldn’t like that very much, would probably feel very hurt that she didn’t confide in him earlier. She could tell him tomorrow after they got back to the ranch that he had called while they were up here and she had returned his call, but that would just compound things, a lie on top of a lie.

  “Abby, where do we go from here? After you come back to Montana?” he spoke above her, a slight cautious note in his voice. He hadn’t wanted to bring it up now, he wanted to wait to ask her until after the dance tomorrow night, but this was as good a time as any. She didn’t answer for a bit, as if she were mulling it over, and he felt a frisson of fear skitter down his spine on icy legs. Maybe he had put his heart on the line for what she might see as a rebound. He didn’t think she would intentionally hurt him, she wasn’t that kind of person, but maybe she didn’t see this as lasting.

  “I…well, I thought that maybe...” she stuttered, but he cut her off.

  “Forget I said that. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. It doesn’t matter right now. You have a lot to go through still so, forget it.” He rushed out, not wanting to hear what she was going to say.

  “I just...”

  “No, don’t worry about it. We’ll talk about it later. Let’s just enjoy the night, okay?” he asked, desperation creeping into his voice. He heard it, and tried to tamp it down. He tried to tell himself that he didn’t need her decision right now, could wait forever if need be, but he had waited so long to find what they had together that he couldn’t bear to wait to solidify their relationship, half scared that she would leave.

  Abby wanted to tell him about her decision; that she wanted to come back to the ranch and be with him, but Kassey’s words came back to her. Logan might not be content to just have her move in, he would probably want to get married, and as much as Abby loved him, she didn’t want to put that much control in someone else’s hands. She was sure he would love her as Steve never had, and do almost anything to make her happy, but there was that little gnawing doubt. What if she decided to pursue her dreams, and if they didn’t mesh with his opinions, he might resent her. The wolves for instance; there was a lot of bitter contention in the west among that subject and meetings with ranchers and environmentalists had gotten violent. It was something both groups took personally, deeply and wholeheartedly, and after seeing the pack tonight, Abby felt more resolved to fight to save them.

  Truth be told, Logan was still an unknown to her. She knew she loved him, and no matter what happened, she probably always would, but the fact remained they had only known each other two weeks. Was that long enough to be sure that you wanted to legally bind yourself to someone? Abby wasn’t completely sure, and that was enough to make her cautious.

  She knew for certain that she wanted to be with him, and shouldn’t that count for something?

  Logan was mentally kicking himself. He should’ve let well enough alone and not brought it up. They were having a good time, here and now, and he had to ruin it. He should’ve just been patient. He needed to remember that she had just gotten through a divorce and probably wasn’t thinking beyond getting her life on track. He could wait; he had waited this long for her to come into his life. Whatever uncertainty he was feeling he could push aside. He was telling her the truth when he said he would go back to Boston with her, and support her, but the thought of seeing her around her familiar surroundings, people and places that he could never fit in with, was an ache that he couldn’t put aside. What if she saw her ex again and wanted to go back to him? He had been
able to give her things that Logan couldn’t. Logan was wealthy in his own right, but a couple of bad years would make the ranch suffer, and they would struggle. Surgery never had bad years. Surgery always paid the big bucks.

  Maybe he was selling her short, thinking that money mattered more to her than it did, but she was used to a certain lifestyle, and as she had said in the beginning, they had 13 years together. She and Logan had only two weeks. Would it be enough?

  “Logan?” she whispered, feeling him tense under her. She had upset him, and she wanted to take it away.

  “Hmmm?”

  “Make love to me.”

  He didn’t reply, just stood with her in his arms and carried her into the tent. They made love gently, almost reverently, as if they both felt it would be the last time. Logan worshipped her body, bringing her again and again to explosive climax, and she tortured him with her mouth and hands. They fell into an exhausted sleep in the early morning hours, tangled around each other.

  Chapter Nine

  They were subdued, both lost in thought as they made their way back down to the ranch. Abby tried to cheer herself up, thinking about the dance later on that night, but thoughts of what to do tomorrow clouded what little cheer she could muster. Officially, she should check out tomorrow, but Logan had said that she could stay as long as she needed to, but she felt an anxiousness in her stomach that had grown in leaps and bounds since waking that morning. She didn’t know where it was coming from, and it was grating on her. Logan hadn’t pressed her anymore, but she knew he was thinking about their future as much as she was, but this was different, almost as if she could feel a gathering storm. She should go back to Boston, as she had intended to do when her two weeks were up here, and get everything in order, then come back, and then she and Logan could concentrate on the future, with no distractions. That felt like the right choice, but still her stomach churned.

  “When we get back, I’ve got some things to do, and then I’ll meet you at the cabin and pick you up. Sound good?” Logan asked her as they rode into the stable yard. He tried to sound casual, as if he didn’t have a care in the world. He wasn’t sure that was how it sounded. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he was losing her, that last night had been the last night they would ever be together. It was silly, he knew, but he couldn’t stop the feeling from washing over him in pounding waves.

  “That’s fine. Kassey and I are going into town for some shopping. I don’t have a dress to wear.” Abby replied, dismounting. She legs were sore, most likely from all the riding that she hadn’t done for so long. Between the long ride and making love all night, they felt like jelly.

  “You don’t need a dress, it’s just a barn dance.” He laughed, but it was almost forced.

  “I still want to look good. All I have is jeans and t-shirts.”

  He looked back at her, gazing at her with an intense hunger in his eyes.

  “That’s all you need.” He said simply, and then turned to undo the cinch of the saddle. His look and words went far to warm her cold insides.

  “Well that’s alright for you, but I want to impress all your friends.” She replied, slipping the saddle off Ellie’s back. She let it lean on the ground, then took a hoof pick out of her back pocket and bent to clean out Ellie’s hooves. Logan watched her, appreciating the view of her bent over, presenting her back side that filled out her jeans nicely. He had to get out of this funk he was in.

  He turned his attention back to Bridger, cleaning out her hooves and brushing her down, and they worked in companionable silence, the first comfortable silence between them since last night.

  When the horses were back in their stalls, munching hay, Logan walked her back to the cabin, his hand clasped in hers. He kissed her on the front porch and turned to walk away.

  “Logan, we’ll get through this.” Abby said. He stopped and turned around, and smiled at her, but there was a sadness there she didn’t like.

  “I know. It’ll all work out in the end.” He replied, and then walked away.

  But would it work out for the best for both of them?

  “How was Logan when he came back this morning?” Abby asked Kassey through the dressing room door where she was trying on another dress. Kassey popped her head over the door and said, “I like that one. Very floaty. He was fine. Said you all had a great time, and of course Ben had to start in on him.”

  Abby heard hesitation in her voice though, and walked out of the dressing room to look Kassey in the eye. “Please Kassey, don’t lie. Is he okay?”

  Kassey sat down on the little bench by the dressing room, her face clouding with worry. “No. What happened up there? He really did say you had a great time, but we know him. Something is bothering him.”

  “I screwed up, that’s what’s wrong.” Abby huffed and turned around and went back in to take off the dress. It was the fourth she had tried on, and she would take it. It was perfect.

  Kassey popped her head back over the door. “What did you do?” she asked, but there was only concern in her voice, no recrimination.

  “Let me get dressed and pay for this, then we’ll go get something to eat and I’ll explain it all.”

  “Okay, we’ll figure it out.”

  Abby sighed. Just like that. She had expected Kassey to go on the offensive for Logan when she said she had screwed things up, but she hadn’t, just offered to help fix it. Maybe she was too quick to judge people, using bad experiences in her past to cloud her judgment. She expected people to react in set ways that she thought she had all worked out in her head.

  Abby paid for her dress and they left the store, walking down the sidewalk to a little restaurant that proclaimed to make a better Caramel Macchiato than Starbucks. They took a booth by the window, and after the waitress had taken their order and brought back coffee, Kassey sat back and said, “Spill it.”

  Abby grimaced. “He wanted to know where things were going with us.”

  “That’s normal. I would want to know the same thing. Where is this going to go?” Kassey asked, stirring sugar into her coffee.

  “I can’t give him the answer right now that I think he wants to hear.”

  “What do you think he wants to hear?” Kassey asked, watching her contemplate her coffee cup.

  “I think he wants to get married, and I just don’t think I’m ready for that. Hell, I’m not even a month divorced yet.” Abby sat back in her seat, rubbing her forehead, as if she could take away the tension there.

  “What makes you think he wants to get married right away?” Kassey went on. Abby gave her a wry smile. “You sound like a shrink.”

  “Well, it seems that you know him so well to read his mind.” She replied smartly, sticking her chin out.

  “Kassey, you were the one who told me he had never loved anyone before, and that you thought I was the one he’s been waiting on all these years. Was that just talk?” Abby said, going on the defensive.

  “Touché. You’re right. Everything you said is right. He probably does want to marry you, but why do you think he’s going to push it on you? Give him some credit Abby. Logan knows what you’re going through, and he probably can read you like you can read him, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to drop to one knee and propose tomorrow.” She shot back.

  “I know, I know. I should have just told him what I thought.” Abby said, frustrated she hadn’t said anything to him. They could have just talked about their plans, their hopes. Nothing had to be carved in stone just yet.

  “What do you think? Are you going to walk away from him or stay?” Kassey asked softly, dreading her answer. She didn’t want to see either one of them hurt.

  “I want to stay. I just found him, Kassey, I don’t want to let him go, but I’m just not ready to jump back into marriage. God, what do I tell him?” she groaned, dropping her head into her hands.

  “Okay, first off, you don’t know that he’s going to propose to you right?” Kassey asked, and Abby nodded her head.

  “Abby, just let it t
ake its natural course. If he asks you again, just tell him what you feel. You love him, he loves you; you both can get passed this. If your uncomfortable jumping right back on the marriage wagon, tell him! You won’t lose him.” Kassey whispered vehemently, resisting the urge to shake her. God save her from people that thought too much!

  “I know, you’re right. I’m letting myself think too much,” Abby said, reading Kassey’s mind. “I always have. I have to analyze everything to the nth degree, look at it from all angles before I make a decision.”

  “Well, you can’t do that with matters of the heart, it doesn’t work that way.”

  “Do you think I’ve hurt him?” she whimpered, tears threatening.

  Kassey reached out and placed her hand over Abby’s where she had them gripped on the table. “Oh, honey, he probably is, but just tell him how you feel. As long as he knows you’re not going to leave him, he’d move heaven and earth to make you happy.”

  “I know, it’s one of the things that I love about him. He’s very selfless.”

  Kassey leaned back and snorted. “He’d do it because he wants you in his life, no matter how he can get you. That’s selfish, but a very good kind of selfish.”

  “For a woman who found the love of her life, you seem very jaded.” Abby sniffed, dabbing at her eyes with a napkin.

  “I’m not jaded, I just know how people think. I would do anything for Ben, because I know he’s with me to stay. Letting go of the person you love, not knowing whether or not they’ll come back, that’s selfless.”

  “It won’t come to that. I won’t let it. No matter what happens, we’ll be together.”

  “God I hope so, I couldn’t stand him moping about the house if you left. And then I’d have to track you down and bring you back.”