Live-In Position

by V. S. Tice

  I went about getting plates and cups, drinks poured, and pizza served. All of this was done under the scrutinizing stare of Dr. Bishop.

  Once everyone was finished eating I took my time cleaning up. Victoria went to take a shower and get her pajamas on.

  “What’s going on?” His hard tone caused a shiver against my spine.

  “Nothing, I’m just tired.” I shrugged and didn’t dare look at him.

  “Don’t lie to me.”

  Although I hadn’t heard that tone in quite some time, I remembered it well. He was angry and demanding. It was like an arctic blast against my back. But I couldn’t tell him, not until I was sure. With a deep breath I faced him.

  “I’m tired. Maybe I am coming down with something.” I shrugged.

  Yeah, you’re coming down with a pregnancy.

  Eyeing me for a brief moment, he walked away stiffly. He wasn’t buying it, and I was dreading being alone with him. A coward, I was a coward.

  That night I stayed with Victoria in her room reading her a story about mermaids. About three chapters in, she fell asleep. With a sigh, I left her to sleep and went to my own room.

  Pulling my nightshirt down my body, I felt his presence in the room. Without saying a word I walked into the bathroom. Once my face was washed and my hair and teeth were brushed, I stepped back into my bedroom. He sat at the edge of my bed looking at me with familiar intensity.

  “Are you ready to be honest with me now?” His manner almost made me stiffen.

  “It’s nothing,” I shook my head and made my way to my bed. As I pulled back the blanket, he grabbed my hand.

  “Please, Sophia.”

  My heart fluttered with ache at the sound of his appeal. “I’m late,” I mumbled and climbed into bed.

  “What do you mean you’re—” he paused as realization crept over his face. I covered myself with the blanket and groaned. The blanket suddenly slipped from my fingers, and I closed my eyes tightly.

  “Are you sure?” His eyes were interrogating.

  “Am I sure that I’m late? Yes.” I threw my arm over my face.

  “So, you aren’t sure you’re pregnant?”

  “No. I’ll handle it tomorrow.” My voice had fallen into a shaky whisper.

  “Why didn’t you come to me?” His fingers wrapped around my arm and pulled it from my face. I kept my eyes closed.

  “Because I wasn’t sure. There’s no need to worry you about it until I have a definite something for you to worry about.”

  “Look at me.”

  I refused.

  “Look at me.”

  He meant business now so I opened my eyes.

  “You should have come to me.”

  “Why? So you can worry about something that may not even be an issue? That’s stupid. I’m not going to concern you about a mistake you –”

  The deep scowl that formed on his face ceased my words. “Mistake?” he growled. “You believe my child would be a mistake?”

  “Th-that’s not what I meant.”

  “Then what did you mean, Sophia, because it sounded like you said mistake to me?” The way he glowered at me sent fear through my body.

  “My being pregnant wouldn’t exactly be a good thing, Collin. The whole thing would be a mistake, but not the way you are taking it.” I’d meant for my words to have more conviction, but the look on his face was really shaking me.

  “We’ll take care of this now.” He stood and walked toward my door.

  “What are you—”

  “I’ll be back.” His cold tone cut me off.

  With the sound of my door closing, there was no holding back the tears. Burying my face into my pillow to muffle my cries, my body jerked.

  I was still buried in the down softness when my door opened again. His soft footsteps were the telltale sign he was in my room and next to my bed. He cleared his throat, and with a roll of my eyes I pulled the blanket down.

  “Here.”

  In his hand was a plastic white stick I planned to purchase tomorrow after taking Victoria to school. Glancing up at him, his face had softened. He knelt down beside the bed and cupped my cheek.

  “I apologize for my reaction. It’s just…would it be so terrible to have my child?” His eyes searched my face. Slowly I sat up to the edge of the bed.

  “Collin, a baby would not be a good idea. Not for me, not now. It was never because it would be yours.” Both of my hands grabbed his face and looked into his eyes.

  “I would be happy.” His words were just a breath and my stomach knotted.

  Part of me rejoiced in the fact he would indeed want me and the baby – if there was one. The other part of me was concerned that if there wasn’t a baby, he would want one. Rather than linger too long on the last thought, I took the test from his hand and headed to the bathroom.

  The popping sound of the plastic cap as I pulled it off was like the exclamation point on a scream. My hands began to shake and I felt dizzy. I’d never wanted to fail a test so badly. His knock on the door pulled me from my looming breakdown.

  “Y-yeah?” The shaking of my voice was unavoidable.

  “May I?” He pushed the door open without letting me respond. That was good, because I couldn’t have answered him anyhow.

  One look at the state I was in and he wrapped his arms around me. The tightness of his embrace was the only thing keeping me from collapsing on weak legs.

  “Everything will be fine.” His lips pressed to my forehead. One tear escaped my eye. I tried to slyly turn my cheek to his chest, hoping his shirt would wipe it away.

  “It should be time,” I whispered.

  Still keeping one arm tightly around me, he reached for the test. I held my breath.

  “Do you want to—”

  I shook my head.

  “You’re not pregnant.”

  I exhaled loudly in relief and grabbed the test from his hand to see for myself. “Not pregnant” was displayed in the gray oval. Liberation from impending motherhood washed through me. A smile spread on my face.

  “See, worried for nothing.” The disappointment laced his voice, even with his great effort to hide it. I said nothing.

  After wrapping the test up in a wad of toilet paper and throwing it away, he led us out of the bathroom. I walked toward my bed to climb back in, but his grasp on my nightshirt stopped me just before I reached the edge.

  “Not there.”

  Pulling me from my bed and then my room, we tangled ourselves around each other in his bed and fell asleep. No more talk about pregnancy or babies.

  The next morning went about in the normal fashion. Collin was already awake and in his office by the time I was getting up to prepare Victoria for the day. After dropping her off at school, I made a call to the clinic about the birth control shot. Fortunately, they had an opening that morning.

  Since I didn’t have medical insurance, it cost me a few tubes of blood, some urine, and a couple hundred dollars, but it was definitely worth it not to go through that scare again. Before I left, I made an appointment to return in three months for the next shot.

  On the drive home, I was feeling good. I mean, I felt really good. When I pulled into the driveway something felt off, but I couldn’t place my finger on it. Collin was gone, but that was normal. He was working at the hospital today. When I still couldn’t figure it out, I shrugged it off and went inside the house.

  I cleaned up the kitchen and started the dishwasher and then sat down to prepare my book for submission. It took me three hours to get it together the way each publishing house required. I submitted some electronically and the others I bundled up to mail.

  Stepping off the last step of the staircase, I realized what had been off in the driveway. My eyes widened at the realization and I ran to the front door. Throwing it open, I froze on the front porch.

  Where the hell was my Jeep?! He wouldn’t, would he? I pulled out my cell phone and dialed his number. I got his voicemail and hung up.

  I’m going t
o kill him.

  Chapter Twenty

  -THREE

  IT FELT LIKE it had been hours since I started pacing my room. Victoria was in bed, fast asleep, and Dr. Bishop still had not come home. I tried to call him one more time but only got voicemail again. Thinking a shower may help to settle me down, I made the attempt.

  Ten minutes into my shower, the screech of the shower curtain surprised me. I spun and a small gasp fell from my lips. The moment my eyes locked onto his emeralds, my face hardened. Forgetting about being naked with soapy bubbles on my body, I stepped toward him and poked his chest.

  “What gives you the right to get rid of my car?”

  “I know you’re angry, but that piece of scrap metal with wheels was not safe for—”

  “You don’t get to decide for me,” I hissed.

  He backed away. I stepped from the shower, following him.

  “It’s my vehicle, not yours. I’m not a child, and you had no right to just decide it needed to go.” The venom in my words was thick. I could see both anger and regret battling on his face.

  “I only did it for your safety. I didn’t want you driving that thing.” His argument was weak and the predator in me sensed it. I pounced.

  “What right do you have to make that decision?” I shouted.

  “I have a right,” he argued loudly and pressed forward until we were almost bare chest to white dress shirt.

  “NO, you have no right!” I poked his chest again.

  “When the woman my daughter and I love unnecessarily risks her life, I have a right.”

  My eyes narrowed, and I crossed my arms over my chest. Not an easy thing to do when your body is soapy.

  “Don’t you dare bring Victoria into this!”

  “Why not? I’m right!”

  “No, you aren’t, Collin!” A groan of frustration escaped me. “It was my car, it belonged to me, and I can make decisions for myself.”

  His brow knitted together in anger, and he opened his mouth to argue, but I stopped him.

  “Just…get out. I need to rinse off, and I want to be alone.” It was clear he wasn’t getting it and probably wouldn’t understand where I was coming from.

  “Sophia—” I put my hand up. He didn’t finish.

  Turning and climbing back into the shower, I roughly jerked the curtain shut. Silence filled the bathroom and I assumed he had left.

  Stepping from the bathroom in my pajamas, Collin sat on the edge of my bed. He straightened when I stepped forward with my arms over my chest.

  “I apologize,” he spoke quickly.

  “For what?” Wanting to know if he really understood.

  “For getting rid of your Jeep,” he grumbled.

  “And for…?” He looked confused and unsure. “Christ, Collin. You don’t get it. Don’t treat me like a child or someone you can just order around.”

  “I don’t.” He stood defensively.

  “By getting rid of my truck without my permission, you did. You don’t own me, Collin. I may work for you, but you don’t dictate my personal life.”

  “I never said I owned you.” The hurt expression on his face began to chip away at the anger I held on to all afternoon.

  “Can’t you try to understand what I’m saying, where I’m coming from?”

  “I just, Sophia, I was trying to keep you safe.” He collapsed back to a seated position, hurt plastered on his face. That look, along with his defeated body language, pushed my compassionate side to emerge from the boiling anger. With two steps I was before him with my hands on each side of his face.

  “I know, but by the same token, you’re being controlling. Please don’t try to control the things in my life.”

  His hands found my hips and squeezed. “Will you at least listen to me if I talk to you about it?” He looked up at me.

  “Of course,” I quickly answered, but then thought better to clarify my response, “as long as you realize it doesn’t mean you’ll get your way.”

  Tension formed in his shoulders but quickly dissipated. He pulled me against him tightly.

  “Please don’t leave.” His words were mumbled against my abdomen.

  “What?” I whispered. “I never said I was—”

  “I don’t like fighting with you.”

  I ran my fingers through his hair. “Then don’t piss me off.”

  His shoulders shook in silent laughter.

  We slept in my bed.

  THE NEXT MORNING was different. Collin was very…hell, unusual is the only way I could describe it. He seemed to be everywhere I was, quietly lurking. When I went to get Victoria out of bed and ready for breakfast, I noticed him pass her door twice. Downstairs he appeared in the kitchen while I fixed breakfast and Victoria ate. He didn’t say anything other than “good morning” and “have a good day” to Victoria, but he sat there with his cup of coffee and the newspaper. Like I said, it was unusual. Victoria even noticed.

  “Is my daddy okay?” Her voice was barely audible and her hands were nervously twisting in her lap.

  “Yes, as far as I know.” There was a long silent pause. “He was kind of strange this morning though.”

  Her head popped up from her lap. “That’s what I was thinking. He’s never sat with me at breakfast before. I was worried I was in trouble.”

  “Why in the world would you be in trouble?” I glanced to her briefly before looking back toward the road. .

  “I don’t know. It was just weird.”

  “I couldn’t agree with you more,” I sighed.

  We reached St. John’s. When I looked at the curb of similar cars, nannies, and identically dressed children, I thought back to the first time I experienced this routine. It felt outer-worldly, like the Twilight Zone, but now it was familiar and comforting. For a split second, I worried I was getting lost in this life.

  By the time I reached the car, I had shaken off my thoughts. I had to go to the dry cleaners and the grocery store, and my cell phone needed a new battery so my attention was focused elsewhere.

  Pulling into the driveway, I first noticed the empty spot where my car used to sit. There was a pang of anger before I calmed myself down. Then I noticed that Collin was still home. I thought he was supposed to be at the hospital today. I dropped the dry cleaning off over the banister and continued to the kitchen with the groceries.

  I felt him before I saw him sitting at the kitchen table. His eyes followed everything I did and it was unnerving.

  “Okay, what is it?” I hadn’t meant for my words to sound so rough, but I just couldn’t take it anymore.

  “What?” he asked, confused.

  “You know what. Something is going on, what is it?” The roughness of my words was gone.

  “The lawyer called this morning.” His eyes dropped to a folder in front of him. I stiffened and panic swallowed my heart. It must have been evident on my face. “Grace will not have the rights to visitations…unless she comes to the house under our supervision.”

  My tension slackened. “Well, that’s not bad. You made it sound like there was something wrong.” When his demeanor didn’t change, the panic swarmed inside me furiously. “Something is wrong, isn’t it?” I choked out.

  He sighed deeply. “She has evidence of our personal relationship, and when the social worker talks to Victoria I can’t ask her to lie.” My arms wrapped around my chest in an attempt to keep my chest from exploding. “They could request I release you from your position and may possibly request a social worker visit and inspect the home.”

  Large hot tears streamed over my cheeks. My legs weakened, and I felt as if I would fall over at any moment. The swarming panic stung at my insides like angry hornets. The screech of his chair on the tile floor brought me back from my pain. He was in front of me in a matter of seconds.

  “You aren’t going anywhere.” The green blaze in his eyes almost burned.

  “But…” the sobs began to slip out, “you can’t do that to Victoria and I won’t—”

  His han
ds clamped around my upper arms, and he pulled me into his chest.

  “You aren’t leaving. I will figure something out. Everything will be fine.” His hold tightened on me and my chest jerked from the sobs that I was holding back.

  “If you just…” I swallowed the lump in my throat, “get another nanny then you won’t have to worry about figuring anything out.”

  Collin pulled back and held me at arm’s length with green fire blazing in those eyes.

  “Do you think that’s what Victoria wants?” he spat. I tried to open my mouth to speak but he covered it with his hand. “You should damn well know I don’t want another person taking care of Victoria. She has never looked at any other woman like a child looks at her mother, until you.”

  I could no longer hold back my sobs. He held me tightly to his chest. After choking out my last cry, I quieted my hiccups, and he spoke again.

  “I love you, Victoria loves you, and when I meet with my lawyers tomorrow I will figure out what needs to be done.”

  We stood in the middle of the kitchen in silence. Both of us knew there wasn’t any miraculous answer to this situation. We couldn’t even be sure what the judge was going to say or how he would react for sure. Everything was up in the air.

  Picking Victoria up from school was difficult. I knew she could sense my mood, and it was hard not to break down at the sight of her. The thought of not seeing her every day and not taking care of her was eating away at my insides. Collin and I needed to further discuss me stepping away from my role as nanny. It was the best solution, no matter how much it hurt.

  Our conversation was pretty generic. We talked about her school day, what she wanted for dinner, and if she had any homework to complete after her lesson.

  “Sophia, are you okay?”

  Turning from the sizzling chicken in front of me, I looked into her face. I smiled. It wasn’t forced, but it wasn’t wholehearted either.