Tweenache in the Time of Hashtags

by Judy Balan

  ‘Mom, you can just tell us you’re sorry instead of making weird gestures,’ I said.

  ‘But that’s the thing,’ Mom explained. ‘I’m not sorry. Well, I am and that’s why I’m trying to buffer the blow, but it was out of my hands.’ For once, Mom was being calm and making sense.

  ‘What do you mean it was out of your hands?’ Nikki was infuriated. ‘I specifically told you nothing good could come out of this!’

  ‘Well, not too many parents are trained in “What to do when the estranged father of your children wants to see them after twelve years”,’ Mom explained calmly once again. ‘And it’s not fair of me to keep you guys away from getting to know him. If he’s a jerk, then that’s too bad, but it’s something you should be allowed to find out for yourself.’

  ‘Oh, I did find out for myself nearly a decade ago,’ Nikki was a broken tap of rage and resentment. ‘And that’s why I said nothing good could come of this!’

  ‘Okay, okay,’ Mom said. ‘For what it’s worth, I’ve spoken to him and I’ve filled him in on how upset you were and he’s agreed to leave you alone.’

  I looked at Mom quizzically. As much as my first meeting with my Dad was unsettling, I wasn’t sure I wanted him to leave me alone. I still had hope. Though I definitely didn’t want to see him anytime soon.

  ‘No, not you, Nina,’ Mom said, as if reading my mind. ‘I asked him to leave Nikki alone.’

  This wasn’t anywhere near ideal and I was still recovering from the disappointment of it all, but for now, this was enough.

  Okay, later, world. I really have to go now. Mom is speaking in all-caps.

  o

  #OMG. Adam is here. And he is NOT a pesky seven-year-old. He’s a tall, dimply seventeen-year-old with the greenest eyes you ever saw. I can’t talk right now. I mean, I can’t type right now. I’m feeling all kinds of things. But I’ll be back. We have to talk about this.

  8

  The Face that Launched a

  Thousand Ships

  Posted by Nina on 23 June 2014 at 4.45 p.m.

  ‘Was this the face that launch’d a thousand ships,’ Ms Dorothy D’Souza quoted Dr Faustus passionately. ‘And burnt the topless towers of Illium? Sweet Helen, make me immortal with a kiss.’ See, there was just one problem. We are in Class 7 and not likely to be studying Dr Faustus till high school or college. But Ms D’Souza is like that. She believes in ‘true learning’, and today, we were learning about beauty and what it meant to different people.

  ‘Helen of Troy was the most beautiful woman on earth according to Greek mythology,’ she explained. ‘A beauty so blinding it caused wars. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine a face like that? A face that might make you brave enough to go to war? A face …’ I didn’t hear the rest of what she said because suddenly, all I could see was Adam’s face before me. His green eyes glistened like the aloe vera gel my mom kept by her bedside, his dimples more prominent than ever, and his mouth opened in slow motion, asking me if I would fight for him. Ah, indeed, this face could launch Mars missions, let alone ships. And suddenly, I knew it. Yes, I would absolutely go to war for him.

  ‘Ahem,’ Ms D’Souza stood right next to me, mock-clearing her throat. I don’t know how long I had been lost in my reverie, but going by how much the class was laughing, I’d say pretty long. ‘Soooo … are you going to tell us about the face you were dreaming about?’ Ms D’Souza said.

  ‘Umm, what, no, what face, no face …’ I was making a big buffoon of myself, but I couldn’t help it. To make things worse, I think I was blushing. #KillMeAlready.

  Ms D’Souza chuckled and turned to the rest of the class. ‘So does anyone else want to answer the question?’

  What? There was a question? What was the question? I had completely missed it! And predictably, Dora Face raised her hand. No, no, nooooo! She was going to steal another point right from under my nose! This can’t be happening.

  ‘Menelaus,’ she said. Eh?

  ‘That’s right! Well done, Anna!’ Ms D’Souza said. ‘Menelaus is the right answer. That was the name of Helen’s husband.’

  Yeah, okay, then. I didn’t know the answer to that anyway.

  The First Sign of Tweenache: A Crush

  Posted by Nina on 23 June 2014 at 9.31 p.m.

  You know why they call it a crush? Because it feels exactly like that. Like someone is sitting on your heart and crushing it every second. Oh god, I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’m happy, I’m sad, I feel a rush of excitement and then a heavy bout of anxiety, I’m restless, I’m twitchy, I’m nervous, I’m edgy, I’m giddy with anticipation, I’m heavy with disappointment, and all of these fluctuations happen within a few minutes, and hell, I don’t feel like myself! #LoveSucks.

  I can’t wait to tell Nikki about it. She might be able to give me some advice. She’s been away at Grandma and Grandpa’s place for the last couple of nights so she can ‘study in peace’, but I suspect it had something to do with Mom’s bedtime rule. She still hasn’t met Adam. I can’t wait for her to meet him. I want her to like him. Then they can be friends, and then Dhruv and Adam can be friends, and then the four of us can do fun sister-boyfriend things together. Yeah, okay, I know he’s seventeen. But I’m older than my age, so it’s not a big deal. Also, when he’s thirty, I’ll be twenty-five, and that’s less than the difference between Mom and Ozzy (seven years). Sighhhh. His eyes are soooo greeeeen.

  #OMG. He’s here. Got to go.

  o

  Whew, that was close. I’m sitting here in the living room, happily blogging about him, and he walks out of the bedroom and plonks himself right next to me! My heart lub-dubbed so rapidly I thought it might get exhausted and give up on me if he didn’t leave my side quickly. I mean, it was a medical emergency!

  ‘Hey, you’re still up?’ He smiled, flashing his dimples at me like I needed convincing.

  ‘Yeah, heh … uhh … heh,’ I said eloquently.

  ‘Games or homework?’ he said, playfully peeking into my laptop.

  ‘Umm, neither. I was, umm, writing.’

  ‘Ooh, you write? Let’s see!’ he said.

  ‘No way!’ I held the laptop close to my chest.

  ‘Fine,’ he said. ‘I write too, you know.’

  ‘Really? Well, show me!’ I said.

  ‘Nah, it might be too dark for you. I don’t want your mum throwing me out already,’ he chuckled, crushing my newbie heart. I think I stared shamelessly for a bit. ‘Anyway, Nina,’ he said. ‘I came here to tell you thanks, but I’m perfectly fine on the couch. So please, don’t embarrass me. Go, sleep in your room!’

  ‘No, no, you’re taking the room!’ I said. Was he kidding? I was willing to go to war for him and he thinks I can’t sleep on the couch? What kind of wuss did he think I was?

  ‘This is embarrassing. I don’t want to take a twelve-year-old’s room.’ I was a bit offended by that, and I think it showed on my face. ‘Oh, hey. I LOVE the room: from the hilarious doodles to the goth paraphernalia. But I can’t let you sleep on the couch for me!’

  ‘But you’re tall. You won’t fit in here. I fit in perfectly. See?’ I demonstrated. He smiled. #KillingMeSoftly.

  ‘Ninaaaaa, it’s almost BEDTIME!’ Medusa called out from her room. Well, all good love stories need a villain. That’s my mom’s new avatar, by the way. Come to think of it, Medusa and Ozzy would have made the perfect couple.

  ‘Night, then,’ Adam whispered and I dreamily watched him walk away.

  ‘Night,’ I whispered back after he was gone.

  o

  It’s 3.03 a.m. And Mom forgot to switch off the Wi-Fi router. #Yippee. I can’t seem to fall asleep. Another side effect of crushes, apparently. I’ve tried counting sheep, singing myself a lullaby and praying to BLG, but Adam’s face is now too deeply etched in my brain. How can this be happening? It makes no sense. I just met him and I don’t know him from Adam. #Haha. But my brain refuses to stop thinking about him. I’m sure there is a scientific explanation for all of this,
and once I understand it, I’ll be okay. Must go look it up tomorrow.

  Okay, night, world. I’m going to try and sleep.

  9

  My Life as a #Sitcom

  Posted by Nina on 24 June 2014 at 5.00 p.m.

  Do you ever wonder what it would be like if they made a movie about your life? Who would play you? Would it be a funny movie, scary movie, soppy movie or a sob fest? I wonder about it all the time. I think I’d want Emma Watson to play me. Umm, the older me, that is. And Dakota Fanning could play Anna. She can pass off as Dora the Explorer if she tried. And in my case, it wouldn’t be a movie, it would be a sitcom starring me, the non-heroine. Because everything that happens around me seems funny to everyone but me. Just like in the sitcoms. Like, today, I finally got to spend some time with my new phone, and I called Ashwin Uncle to come and help me with it. Surprisingly, he showed up. We were in the living room and he was showing me my way around Instagram, which is a hashtag haven, by the way, when Adam suddenly walked in. I had no idea he was in the house, so he might have startled me. I introduced him to Ashwin Uncle and they were making polite conversation about India.

  ‘First time here?’ Ashwin Uncle asked. ‘How do you like India?’

  ‘Oh, swell. I had no trouble at the airport at all.’ I couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic. I think Ashwin Uncle was also confused, because he kept staring at him blankly. ‘Uh, I mean, I’ve only been to the airport so far,’ Adam said, flashing us one of his award-winning smiles. ‘But Nina’s promised to show me around! Right, Nina?’ That was unexpected.

  ‘Heh, eh … hmm,’ I said once again and earnestly prayed to BLG for an earthquake to swallow me that very moment. What the hell was up with this? Reason 2 for calling it a ‘crush’: because it crushes your ability to say anything remotely coherent when the crush in question is within close proximity, and it crushes your self-esteem along with it. And that wasn’t the worst part. You see, Ashwin Uncle noticed this and found it hilarious that I had a crush on a boy. Because just a few weeks ago, I was telling him how I found boys pretty unimpressive compared to zombies and he had begged me to stay that way. So when Adam went to the kitchen to make us his special cold coffee, Ashwin Uncle totally entertained himself with my #Tweenache.

  ‘You know what I find funny?’ I said.

  ‘What?’ he said between chuckles.

  ‘That the minute I ask you what happened that day with my dad, you will stop laughing and find an excuse to leave.’ And the chuckling came to a grinding halt as predicted. I was feeling pretty smug.

  ‘Monkey,’ Ashwin Uncle said. ‘I would tell you if I could, but you wouldn’t understand. Tell you what. You go through ten more of these crushes. Then I’ll tell you.’

  ‘WHAT?’ I shrieked and realized I had to keep it down if I didn’t want to further embarrass myself in front of Adam. ‘I am NOT going through this again,’ I whispered. ‘I can’t take one more second of this. It’s the best and worst feeling in the world and it’s driving me CRAZY and I can’t UNDERSTAND it!’

  ‘Wow, for a twelve-year-old, your description was pretty spot on.’

  ‘Well, I am NOT going to go through this ten more times, get it? I’m either finding the solution to this RIGHT NOW or I’m just going to marry this one!’ I was quite serious, but Ashwin Uncle burst out laughing.

  ‘Fair, fair,’ he said, still laughing.

  The doorbell rang. It was Nikki. I actually missed her. I couldn’t wait to tell her about my, you know, condition, and get some sage advice. ‘Hey, psychos,’ she said, sleepily throwing herself on the futon. ‘What are you up to? Where’s Mom?’

  ‘Mom is out shopping with Aunt Neeti,’ I said.

  ‘Mom and Aunt Neeti are bonding? Exactly how affected is she by this jerk’s wedding?’ Nikki said, and I winced. I don’t like calling him Dad any more either. But I prefer Ozzy to ‘this jerk’. I mean, the man is marrying a woman who speaks to dead dogs. How can he possibly be the bad guy?

  ‘Pretty badly,’ Ashwin Uncle and I said in unison.

  Adam walked in with his cold coffee tray. You had to see it, but #OMG, the man had style. You should have seen the presentation - the whipped cream, the Superman sign in chocolate sauce, it was award-winning. ‘Here you go, folks. The Kent Frappe.’ You know, because his last name is Kent. As in Clark Kent. Therefore, #Superman. I quickly Instagrammed it.

  ‘Whoa, that’s pro, man,’ Ashwin Uncle said, giving Adam a fist bump. He’s clearly picked it up from Dhruv. He never used to be the fist-bumping type.

  But Nikki got up with a start. We should have told her there was someone else in the house. Anyway, I had been waiting for her to meet him, so I was busy watching her watching him, to see if she approved. I have never wanted Nikki’s approval on anything before. This was all so new and unsettling.

  ‘Hi, you must be Nikki, I’m Adam.’ His killer smile was intact.

  ‘Heh, eh … hmm,’ she said.

  OH. MY. GOD. What just happened?

  Ashwin Uncle didn’t stop laughing for a good long time. Sigh, it’s not fair. Nikki can’t be hijacking my first crush! Well, what did I think – this was MY life. It had to go this way. Well, Nikki has earned a part in my sitcom now. Maybe that woman who played Bellatrix Lestrange in the Harry Potter movies can play her.

  People Are the Problem

  Posted by Nina on 24 June 2014 at 11.11 p.m.

  Mom has forgotten to turn off the router again. That means she’s not in good shape. I’m worried about her. I should be used to this by now, but I’m not. I mean, Mom has never been any one thing. She’s always had phases: Teen Mom, MOMster, Mom Plus (this was the best version), Spiritual Mom, Career Mom, Mommy Cool and on and on. These days, she fluctuates between Medusa and Teen Mom. I don’t have anything against phases, but I wish she’d go for more conventional mom avatars such as Helicopter Mom, Tiger Mom, Momzilla, Stay-at-home Mom etc. At least I’d know how to handle her. So to make life simple and not confuse myself any further, I’m going to call her L-board Mom: She may look like she has no clue what she’s doing, but you want to keep a safe distance from her car because you know she can hurt you AND get away with it.

  Speaking of people falling apart and going nuts, I had a weird day at school today. Almost forgot to report that because of Nikki’s crush on Adam, which has taken precedence over everything else in my life at the mo. So I was wooing call-me-Anju as planned today. I went over to her during the break and decided to ask for advice on preserving the environment because I needed to score points with teachers as well as on environmental friendliness. See, call-me-Anju is a self-proclaimed #Hippie. She’s all about the environment. So I thought this would be a fantastic idea - two birds, one stone and all.

  ‘Anju,’ I said in my sweet-girl voice. ‘Do you have a minute?’

  ‘Umm, that depends. Only if you promise not to talk about history,’ she said. I stared blankly and she started giggling. ‘Just kidding!’ she said, poking me in the waist and cracking up over her own joke.

  ‘Heh,’ was the best I could do.

  ‘No, but seriously, it’s not about history, right?’ she said.

  ‘No! I was actually wondering if you could help me with my new project to save the environ …’ I hadn’t even completed the sentence when we heard a whimpering sound behind us. It was Anna. She looked like she had been crying and she wanted to talk to call-me-Anju.

  ‘I’m so sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt,’ she said after interrupting.

  ‘Oh, sweetie, are you okay?’ Call-me-Anju put her arm around Anna and started walking with her. And just like that, I was elbowed out of my only chance at a teacher vote. I didn’t know what was going on with Anna and I had no idea she took call-me-Anju up on her offer to play student counsellor. I didn’t want to think that way, but I felt like the whole thing was an act. I had to discuss it with someone, so I shared my suspicions with Akaash.

  ‘Oh, please,’ he said. ‘You’re getting paranoid. Nobody cares about that exchang
e programme as much as you do!’ I was taken aback because Akaash almost always agrees with me.

  ‘That is a cartload of horseshit and you know it!’ I said. ‘Anna has been eyeing it from day one. Just like me. Can’t you see it in the way she absolutely HAS to answer every question, suck up to every teacher AND hijack the ONE teacher who still LIKES me?’ I burst out like a broken tap and verbally caps-locked him.

  ‘Did YOU ever think that maybe it’s not HER and it’s her tiger mom forcing her to be student of the year? Maybe she has no CHOICE!’ He caps-locked me right back.

  ‘And you know this … HOW?’ I said.

  ‘Because she TOLD me!’ he said.

  What? Anna has been hijacking my friends too? I was so mad I wanted to throw something at him for defending someone he’s known for five seconds. ‘And since when have you two been having heart-to-hearts?’ I said.

  ‘Oh god, Nina. I can’t talk to you when you’re like this. What happened to you? You used to be cool,’ he said and walked away.

  That cut like a knife. I hate him. Boys are stupid. And mean. But the meanness stems from the stupidity, which is why we forgive them most of the time. Right now, though, I don’t care about all that. I’m going to think about the one thing going right in my life: Adam, who is also a boy. But a wiser boy than the boys I know, because he’s older. Also, I imagine it would be easier to forgive a boy whose eyes are that green.

  BLG, please make sure Nikki does not compete with me and take my first crush away. Then she’ll be #ThatGirl in my life and I’ll be bringing it up at Christmas dinners even when I’m thirty-nine, the way Mom keeps bringing up the time Aunt Neeti kissed her (as in Mom’s) first boyfriend. And I really don’t want Nikki and me to end up like Mom and Aunt Neeti. #OkayThanksBye.