by Kyra Lennon
“I guess.” He straightened his shoulders and sighed. “Go see her. Maybe she’ll open up to you guys.”
Freya and I exchanged a look of apprehension, and then took the few steps towards Bree’s room. When we entered, we found Bree lying on her back in bed, staring up at the ceiling, her hair fanned out on the pillow like a halo. Again, Freya and I looked at each other, unsure what to say, or if we should say anything and just leave her be.
But she’d asked for us. Jude told Bryce she’d asked for us.
Tentatively, we walked towards the bed. Bree didn’t move but I knew she knew we were there because as we got closer, her eyes filled with tears. She blinked as they dripped down her cheeks and onto her pillow.
“Do you know that ten to twenty percent of pregnancies end in a miscarriage?” Bree’s voice didn’t sound right. Her usual singsong tone was now flat and lifeless. “I read that once. Before I got pregnant. Seems like such a small number. I remember thinking that that meant eighty to ninety percent of pregnancies are successful. But now? Now ten to twenty percent seems like a lot. With all the people there are in the world, that is a lot of miscarriages.”
I shifted my eyes to Freya, who had tears in her eyes at the sight and sound of our friend so dejected. So lacking in sparkle.
“It’s all okay,” Bree went on, still not moving her gaze from the ceiling. “I’ll be okay. Maybe I… maybe it just wasn’t the right time for me to be a mom.”
She squeezed her eyes closed as her tears fell faster and Freya and I hurried forwards and sat on her bed beside her. I grabbed her hand and she gripped it tightly.
“You will be okay,” Freya said, brushing a strand of hair from Bree’s cheek. “But right now, it’s okay if you’re not.”
Bree shook her head, her eyes still closed. “I can’t do anything right, can I? I’m just a stupid airhead who can’t even carry a baby inside me without losing it.”
“Babe, no,” I said, as more cracks formed in my heart. “This isn’t your fault. You’re not stupid and you didn’t do anything wrong.”
She’d come a long way in the past year, but just like me, just like everyone, when something came along to shake the security she thought she had, every insecurity that had ever existed came rushing back. For her, it was the constant feeling people thought she was dumb. That she would never amount to anything. That she’d only have what other people had given her. Knowing she felt this way again after working so damn hard to prove everyone wrong made me want to wrap her up in my arms and hold her until she remembered how much she was worth.
But she refused to move. She stayed in the same position. Unwilling to sit up or open her eyes to look at us.
“Does Jude hate me?” she asked, weakly.
“Hate you?” Freya said. “Honey, he’s outside this room freaking out because you don’t want to see him.”
“I can’t see him!” Bree snapped. “All we talked about for the last few months was us starting a family, and now I’ve taken that from him. How can I expect him to forgive me?”
“There’s nothing to forgive. He doesn’t blame you, and you shouldn’t blame yourself either.”
“Freya’s right,” I added. “This awful thing has happened, but please don’t think you’re responsible in any way.”
“Everything happens for a reason, right?”
“I don’t believe that. Sometimes crappy things happen for no reason at all.” Like miscarriages, and freak storms that kill the people you love and exes turning up out of the blue to throw your life in to disarray. “What possible reason could there be for this?”
“Maybe the universe is trying to correct itself. Maybe I should never have had everything I have now. So it’s trying to take it all away. Starting with my baby.”
Freya glanced at me over her shoulder and I bit my lip, trying not to cry. The very British part of me wanted to bark at her and tell her to get a grip. But I knew what she meant. I’d pondered the same things recently and I hated that now she was going through it too.
The fear of losing someone, of losing everything, comes at you in a rush of panic. It’s like you’re trying to stay calm, but the what ifs crash over you, and the worst outcomes possible feel real and so close that they start to suffocate you. I wondered how long she’d been sat in that room, working herself up into this state. All I knew was the limited information I’d gotten from Bryce. Not that it mattered. This was where we’d come in. This was what we had to try to heal. An aching heart and a gaping wound that was rapidly being filled by everything Bree hated about herself.
“Bree,” I said, gently. “I’m not going to try telling you you’re wrong right now. Right now you need to feel whatever you feel, even though it hurts. But I am going to tell you that there’s a man outside this door who loves you more than anything else in the world. And whatever you’re telling yourself right now, however mixed up and inaccurate, he is going to keep on standing outside that door until you let him in and tell him what you’re feeling. And when you do, he will tell you what you already know deep inside. He loves you and that isn’t going to change. Ever. And we love you too. We’ll be here as long as you need us to be.”
Slowly, Bree’s eyes opened, and the pain in them made the tears I’d tried to stop spill down my face. “I want to go back,” she said, her voice cracking. “I want to go back to yesterday when I was still pregnant. When everything was good. I want my baby back.”
Unable to speak myself, Freya stepped in for me. “Honey, if we could make that happen, we would.”
“I know.”
“What we can do for you is be here until it hurts a little less.”
Bree nodded and tried to smile. “I’d like that.”
What followed was two hours of tears and talking. There was no way Freya and I could heal her suffering in that time. My girl had wanted to be a mum so badly, partly, I thought, because she wanted to finally have a family of her own and make sure her own children didn’t suffer as much as she did when she was younger. Bree without her bubbly personality was strange to be around. She could be optimistic about pretty much everything, but this had her stumped. I knew she would bounce back like she always did, but until then, she was going to need all the support she could get.
I walked back into my house at a little after ten o’clock, emotionally drained and in dire need of something to drink.
I found Bryce with his feet up on the sofa, idly flicking through the TV channels. I couldn’t help chuckling. I’d often arrived home to find Radleigh in exactly the same position.
What is it about guys and channel hopping?
“Hey,” I said, dropping my bag down at the end of the sofa. I kicked my shoes off as he turned around, placing the remote on the coffee table.
“Hey. How is she?”
I shook my head. “Not good. She’s staying at the hospital overnight but she’ll be able to go home tomorrow. I kind of think she might prefer being out of her own house at the moment, though.”
Although Bree and Jude hadn’t gotten too carried away with preparation for the baby, Bree had sneakily bought some newborn baby clothes already, and some magazines with nursery-decorating ideas had been strewn about the house too.
Without a word, Bryce stood up and pulled me into his arms. Trying not to cry anymore, because I’d already done more than enough of that for one night, I rested my head against his chest.
“I’m sorry,” he said, quietly.
“What for?” I asked, puzzled.
“I’m sorry you had to come home to me and not Radleigh. He should be here for you.”
After what had happened earlier, Radleigh was the last person I wanted around me. It all seemed a million years ago now. But I’d rather have come home to an empty house than to him in that mood. It occurred to me, with horror, that when he’d been fucking me against the wall, it was probably around the same time Bree had gone to hospital.
The memory combined with the emotion of the evening made another wave of sadness
wash over me.
“Actually, Bryce, what I need right now is a friend. Someone who isn’t interested in starting petty fights and wants nothing from me. That’s not what I’d get from Radleigh at the moment. I’m glad you’re here. Thank you for taking care of Jessica tonight.”
“It was no trouble at all. She woke up about an hour ago but I sat with her for a while and she settled again.”
“Okay. I’ll go up and see her shortly. I just need a minute.”
“Do you want me to get you anything? Tea? Coffee? Wine?”
I laughed. “A bottle of red would be great but I try not to drink at home, especially when there’s nobody else here. I know Jessica’s fine, but I never drink more than a glass just in case anything happens suddenly and I need to drive. I’m sure it sounds stupid but-”
“It’s not stupid. It’s responsible. I wish Sarah had the same beliefs as you.”
His voice had turned bitter and I looked up at him. “She’s a drinker?”
He nodded. “Not all the time. Mostly on Friday and Saturday nights according to Peyton. It makes me uncomfortable because on the weekends she has the kids, it’s usually because I’m not around. And if she’s at home alone, it’s because her boyfriend is working.”
“Have you talked to her about it?”
“I don’t know how to without her getting upset with Peyton for telling me.”
“But if she mentioned it, it must be more than just a couple of drinks. Want me to kick her ass?”
Bryce chuckled. “I’ll keep that offer in mind.”
I’d only met Sarah a handful of times, and she was decidedly unpleasant on every occasion. She seemed to lack any kind of pleasantness and I’d never worked out what Bryce saw in her. She was reasonably cute, I suppose, but her personality was seriously lacking.
“Do you want me to stay?” Bryce asked, and I sighed.
“Nah, I’m okay. It’s not worth you staying just so I can drown out my misery in a bottle of wine. But thanks.”
He caught my eye and said, “That’s not the only reason, Leah. Seems like you’re too wound up to sleep yet. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here.”
After a moment, I smiled up at my friend. “You know what? That sounds good. Let me go check on Jessica, and then… we’ll talk the night away.”
Within twenty minutes, Bryce and I had settled down in the living room, both of us lounging on separate sofas, the music channel playing on the TV in the background. I’d decided against alcohol and gone for a hot chocolate, while Bryce had a coffee. Weirdly, it was the most relaxed I’d felt in a while. There’s something about late nights after a rough day that feel sort of… poignant somehow. Like you know the worst of the day is over, and you can relax, if only for a little while. My mind was still firmly on Bree, and I hated the image I had of her when we first walked into her hospital room. It was almost chilling to see the woman who was always so full of sunshine suddenly hidden away behind a dark cloud of hurt. She’d finally let Jude in when we left, and I knew she would be okay with him there, but her miscarriage was going to leave a very prominent scar, and very likely mar her enthusiasm for trying for another baby.
“Sarah and I lost a baby once,” Bryce said, as if he’d heard my thoughts.
I shifted my eyes to his. “What? When?”
“In between Peyton and Ava. It happened five months into the pregnancy. Sarah handled it better than I did. I was devastated. Sarah was upset, but she accepted it as this unfortunate thing that happened, and that she’d get over. And maybe that’s a good thing. But at five months pregnant, I thought the dangerous time was over. It hit me like a truck, because I was already imagining life with two children, and how much fun it would be to see them playing together, growing up together.”
“I’m sorry.”
Bryce shrugged. “It was a long time ago. But I’ve never forgotten how I felt when I found out the baby was gone.”
“Have you spoken to Jude much yet?”
“Yeah. I called him while you and Freya were with Bree. He’s crushed.”
I nodded. “He sure is. One thing I love about Bree and Jude, though, is that they can get through anything. Of all the couples we know, I think they’re the strongest.”
Bryce’s eyes dimmed for a second. “I always pegged you and Radleigh as the strongest.”
Funny. Once, I would have agreed. He and I had well and truly tested each other’s boundaries before we got together, and we’d built a solid foundation out of something that used to be so precarious. What were we now? Two people who didn’t recognise each other anymore. Or at least, I didn’t recognise him anymore. Not the way I used to.
“I miss him, Bryce.”
“So ask him to come back.”
I shook my head. “I can’t. The truth is, this is his house. If he really wanted to be here, he would be. How could I stop him? He knows he needs this time to think and that he’ll do that more clearly if he’s not here. We can’t be the way we were until he sorts out his feelings.”
“He doesn’t love her, Leah. He doesn’t want her.”
“Did he tell you that?”
“He told me he loves you.”
“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel something for her.”
“He does feel something for her, but that something isn’t threatening to your relationship. I will always love Sarah for the relationship we had, and for the fact that she’s the mother of my children. But am I in love with her? Do I wish we were still together? Hell no.”
I took a sip of my hot chocolate. “It’s not the same, though. You can love Sarah that way because your relationship used to be good. And because you raised your children together. From everything Radeigh has told me, his relationship with Jen was good for about six months at the most. And Jayden was nothing to him until recently.”
“I guess it’s hard to explain to a woman, and I don’t mean that in a sexist way, I just mean that there’s no way a woman will ever have a surprise child sprung on them. But you know how much you love Jessica. There’s a connection. When you know a child is yours, even if you don’t know them well yet, the connection still exists. And that brings an automatic connection with Jen. As much as it sucks.”
With a sigh, I said, “I know. Logically, I get it. But I still can’t get over the way she treated him. How can he be okay with it just because they have a child together?”
“He’s not okay with it. He’s just… trying to get used to things.”
I fixed my eyes on him. “How much is he telling you? I’m not asking you to tell me what he’s said because if you went back to him and told him what I said, I’d be pissed off. But… is he talking to you?”
He nodded. “A little. He’s finding it hard to be away from you, and you know how he is. He doesn’t like feeling rejected, and if he does, he’ll find a different way to make himself feel better.”
I haven’t rejected him. This evening kind of proved that.
“Is this a sex thing?” I asked. “Does he just want to screw her? She’s a bitch, but she’s hot.”
Bryce laughed. “Don’t say that in front of Radleigh, he’ll try to organise a threesome.”
I tried to glare at him, but even though it wasn’t really funny, I couldn’t stop myself laughing too. “I’d rather be celibate for the rest of my life than have her anywhere near me.” The smirk on Bryce’s face told me he was enjoying the mental picture of me with Jen and I pulled the cushion from behind my back and threw it at him. “Pervert.”
Still laughing as he tossed the cushion back, he said, “Sorry. Seriously, though, I don’t know what he wants from her, or if he wants anything.”
“I asked him today if I could take Jessica to the UK for a while, to get a break from all this. He won’t let me, though.”
Bryce tilted his head to the side. “That’s not such a bad idea. For you. But could you really leave the country knowing Jen’s trying to get her claws into him?”
“She’s doing that whether I�
��m here or not.”
“But if you’re here, you can keep on reminding him where he’s supposed to be.”
“If he needs reminding, what’s the point?” That had been my position all along. If he really loved me, why would it matter where I was? After I left America and went back to England, I missed him every damn day. Loved him every damn day. And back then, although I didn’t know it, he felt the same. My feelings for him had only grown with every day I spent with him, but for him? Now he needed me to be there to stop him falling for Jen again?
Closing my eyes, I leaned my head back against the top of the sofa as the ache came back again. The fear too. I didn’t want to lose Radleigh, and I didn’t want to be a single mum. Where the hell would I end up? I could never go home again – ever. Or at least not until Jessica was old enough to make up her own mind about where she wanted to be. I’d be forced to stay in Los Angeles, or at least close by, while Radleigh and Jen became the golden couple once again, parading their children around. And me? I’d probably be photographed looking bedraggled and stressed because I couldn’t afford a babysitter, and the only time I got to myself would be weekends, which I’d spend drinking myself into oblivion and crying myself to sleep.
Okay, perhaps that was a little dramatic. But the fact remained, if Radleigh left me, I’d need huge amounts of help to get me back on my feet, and I could probably kiss my job offer goodbye. Richard was hardly going to want a bickering former couple interrupting the team.
“He’s just a little lost,” Bryce said, quietly. “He wouldn’t be so dumb as to give up everything he has with you. And if he does? He’s a fucking fool.”
Chapter Fifteen – It Might Always Be A Soap Opera
In the morning, I woke up on the sofa to find Bryce still asleep on his. We must have fallen asleep talking. It was early, but I knew Jessica would be awake soon, so I pulled myself up and started my usual morning routine.
By nine o’clock, all three of us were ready to start the day, and Bryce headed to work leaving Jessica and me alone again. The first thing I did was call Bree to check on her. She still sounded distant, but her tone was a little lighter, thanks to her spending most of the night talking to Jude. She was headed home later that morning and intended to sleep the day away, so I promised to visit her in a couple of days when she’d had some rest.