by Kyra Lennon
I wasn’t sure what had prompted him to act this way but I needed him to connect with me. Needed him to look into my eyes and remember who he was talking to. That I was the same person he wanted to come home to yesterday, even though he was now acting like I was the one who had changed.
Radleigh raised his head and as our eyes connected, his gaze softened. Mission accomplished. For now, at least.
“What are we doing, Leah?” he asked with a sigh, pulling me to him and wrapping me up in his arms. “We can’t keep going like this. Both of us wanting me home but neither of us doing anything about it.”
I took in a long exhale of his freshly-showered scent. “I don’t think you’re ready. Yesterday, if you’d said you were coming home right then, I’d have let you. But last night only proved to me that you’re where you should be. The last thing on your mind should have been going out with Jen. And I’m not saying this in a flippant, you should be sitting around pining for me kind of way. If you needed someone to talk to, why her? Why not call Bryce, or talk to your parents, or just… anyone but her? It’s like all she has to do is flutter her eyelashes and you forget what it is you think you want. And… please don’t tell me you were talking about Jayden the whole night because I won’t believe it.”
He shook his head. “We weren’t. We talked about a lot of stuff. About the past, about her and Gary and you and me.”
His wistful tone sent an aching sensation through my body, running through my bloodstream to reach all my nerve endings and I took a slight step back from him, his touch suddenly too painful to handle.
“Let me guess. She thinks I’m a heartless bitch and she’d take care of you so much better.”
Radleigh shook his head. “That’s not fair. She’s never said anything like that.”
Of course not. That’s way too direct.
“What did she say?” I asked. “Do you know why she wants to move back here?”
“She says she was happiest here than she’s ever been anywhere. This is where she grew up. It’s where she wants the boys to grow up, but Gary is fighting hard for custody of Harley. Sole custody.”
I tilted my head to the side. “Why not joint custody? Is she such a bad mother that he doesn’t want her near his kid?”
The words left my mouth without me thinking. It wasn’t that I regretted what I’d said, but it suddenly occurred to me that if he and I split, he’d probably fight for custody of Jessica just to spite me. Just because he could.
“He doesn’t think she can handle two kids on her own,” Radleigh said, his thought process obviously not following mine. “He thinks she’s too selfish. And he doesn’t want her to take Harley away from him.”
Pausing, because this conversation was in no way beneficial to the question I needed to ask him, I said, “Just so I know… when will you see her again?”
“Tomorrow. She’s bringing Jayden to Mom and Dad’s after work.”
“And… will you be going out with her again?”
Radleigh’s body stiffened. “Yes, but with the kids, too. Not just her.”
Throwing my head back I sighed then turned away. I didn’t begrudge him time with Jayden at all, but the more he was seen with Jen, the more talk there would be about me and him, and whether we had really split up. Our PR team had made a statement that we were taking a break but the wedding was still going ahead, yet every time Radleigh was with her, it made us look weaker.
“Do you have to go out in public with her all the time?” I asked. I couldn’t judge my tone. I’d wanted to make it sound relaxed but I was certain it came out snappier than I planned.
“Well… I can’t expect my parents to cook dinner for her and the kids and she’s not exactly welcome at my parents’ place.”
“Fair point. But why not go to her hotel? At least once you’re inside, the press can’t get in.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Leah, if you found out I was leaving her hotel, you’d freak. Isn’t it better for me to be out with her?”
“It would be better if you weren’t with her at all, but I guess you’re right. I wouldn’t be happy to find out you’d been anywhere near her hotel.”
“If I come home she can come here and I won’t have to deal with her on my own, or in public.”
With a short laugh, I shook my head “You can’t cling to me just so you don’t have to deal with her, Radleigh. It’s not fair on any of us.”
“So you don’t want me back?”
“I want you back. But I want the you you were before she got here. The one who doesn’t keep secrets, remembers to consider my feelings and doesn’t hold hands with his ex who he claims to have no feelings for. I don’t think you’re ready to be that guy yet.”
Radleigh glared at me, but he wasn’t so lost from me that I didn’t see the realisation that I was right in his eyes. It flickered deep in the back of his blues. I wished it wasn’t there. Wished I was being irrational and crazy and jealous. Wished I knew why, after everything she did, he could stand to be near her, let alone let her kiss him and hold his hand.
Taking a deep breath, I looked him straight in the eyes and said, “I need to ask you something. And this is the worst time, but honestly, I don’t think there will ever be a good time. I talked to Josh last night. Told him everything that’s going on. And he said… maybe it would be best if Jessica and I went to the UK for a couple of weeks, until things are more settled.”
Radleigh barked out a laugh, his face hardening. “Not a fucking chance. It’s one thing us having some space, but you’re not taking Jessica away for two weeks. You can go if you want, but you’re not taking her.”
My stomach tightened at the coldness in his words, making me realise that my earlier thought was correct. If our relationship ended, I’d have one hell of a fight on my hands.
“Please can you just think about it?” I asked. “It wouldn’t be forever. Just two weeks and we’ll be back.”
He shook his head. “I don’t need to think about it, Leah. What difference would it make anyway? If you leave, how are we ever going to make this work? How can we sort this out if you’re not here? If you go, you’ll come back to the same mess.”
“This isn’t a problem with us, Radleigh. It’s a problem with you. I know how I feel. I know I want you here, and I want to marry you and I want everything we’ve planned. But you no longer know what you want. Not really. And while you’re out getting photographed with Jen, I have to deal with the aftermath, with people outside the house asking how I feel and if you’re coming back. And I’m doing my best to be okay with that, and to be okay with you spending time with her, but it’s not okay. Every time I see another photo, I feel like you’re taking another step away from me. And I know I told you to go. I know that. But until you know what you want, it wouldn’t matter whether you were here or at your parents’ place. We’d still have issues. I just think it would be better for me and Jessica to not be here for a while.”
We’d taken Jessica to the UK for her first Christmas, to spend it with my family, and now she was a little older, I envisioned taking her to the beaches I used to play on when I was a child and showing her the quirky little sights of the English countryside. Of course, she wouldn’t remember it, but I wanted her to feel that the UK was a part of her, even if she never lived there. And on a selfish note, I wanted to be around my family while the rest of my life was slowly falling apart. I wanted to be somewhere quiet and paparazzi free. Just talking to Josh had made me feel a million times less stressed. To be near him and Chrissie and the kids, and to spend some time with my parents, would do us the world of good.
Radleigh stalked towards me, stopping directly in front of me, his eyes blazing. “I am not letting you take her. End of story. Conversation closed.”
I gritted my teeth, trying to stop the disappointment and frustration flooding out of me. I knew all along what his response would be but somewhere in the depths on my mind I’d hoped he’d understand and be okay with it. I’d fooled myself into thinkin
g he might let us go because staying was too damn hard.
I could have chosen to go alone. But not only did the idea of being without Jessica for two weeks cripple me, if I left, she’d be at Mitch and Deanna’s and be subjected to regular doses of Jen. If Jessica didn’t go, I wouldn’t go.
“If you want to spend some time with Jessica, she’s upstairs.” She’d taken a nap and I’d left her slowly waking up while I went to talk to Radleigh. I was glad for it, because maybe he’d stay upstairs with her and I wouldn’t have to look at him while I tried to deal with my feelings.
As I started to walk towards the kitchen, Radleigh said, “You don’t get to control everything, Leah. I still get a say in where our daughter goes.”
“I’m fully aware of that, Radleigh,” I said without turning around. “That’s why I didn’t just take her. Unlike you, I’m still trying to communicate.”
I continued walking towards the kitchen but my breath was stolen as he grabbed me and pushed me against the wall, my back slamming against it, his fingers digging into my shoulders. I glared up at him, trying to even out my breathing. “Let. Go. Now.”
His hard body pressed against me as his eyes stared into mine. I lifted my hands and pushed against his solid chest. Unable to shift him, I said, “I’m not playing around here. You hurt me before when you started throwing your weight around. If you don’t let go of me right now, I will have no problem screaming until the security outside run in here and take you away. You fucking bruise me again, and I will call the police.”
After another second of glaring at me, Radleigh slowly loosened his grip, and just when I thought I was free, he came at me again, his hands in my hair and his lips pushing against mine in a heart-stopping kiss. I struggled to push him off, anger still riding my bloodstream.
“Are you kidding me?” I gasped as I managed to pull away from him. “Get off!”
Instead of doing as I asked, one hand snuck down my side to my skirt and began to slide it up my leg. His weight had me pinned against the wall and I yelled, “Stop!”
Radleigh’s mouth was hot on mine as he kissed me again, and the rage coursing through my veins made my breath come out in short, sharp bursts, so much so that I couldn’t gain enough to tell him again to get away from me. He pushed my skirt up and his fingers curled around the top of my knickers. The brush of his fingers on my hips caused my breath to stutter again and he laughed.
“You don’t want me to stop.” His breath on my neck tickled and caused a shiver to run through me. I wouldn’t let him be right. I wouldn’t want him. Wouldn’t want this.
“Come on, Leah,” he whispered as his hands pushed the thin material down my thighs. “Admit it.”
“I want you to leave,” I said as firmly as I could. It was getting harder as his lips found my neck and blazed a path down to my shoulder.
“No. You don’t.” Keeping me firmly pressed into the wall, he unzipped his jeans and pushed them down along with his boxers then lifted one of my legs up, holding it in place around his hip. “Say it again, Leah. Tell me you want me to go, and I will.”
His eyes found mine again and I hated him. Hated myself. Hated everything. When I didn’t speak, he slammed inside me, making me cry out. I had no choice but to wind my arms around his neck to keep me upright as he roughly pushed inside me, my back hitting the wall with each thrust.
“I fucking hate you,” I growled as pleasure began to radiate from my core. Sweat began to build on my skin as the intensity built and he moved faster, making me grip him harder until his body jerked forwards and he cursed out loud. My own release followed and as soon as he loosened his hold on me I fell to the floor, my body weak.
“Thank you, Leah.”
His tone was smug, and I didn’t look up as I heard him pull his jeans back up, and then his footsteps padded along the hallway and up the stairs.
I’d been used. His words told me so. He may or may not have been thinking of me as he screwed me against the wall but that build up of tension wasn’t just about me. This was him telling me he needed a release. Because of her. Because of me. Because of this fucked up situation.
I wanted to shower. Wanted to wash any evidence of that away because I wanted no memory of it. It wasn’t the first time we’d had a quickie in the hallway, but it was the first time I’d ever felt empty afterwards. The first time I’d felt nothing but selfishness from him. And yeah, I’d needed it too, but I’d hoped, somewhere deep down, that I’d feel something from the man I was in love with him.
There was nothing.
I knew he wasn’t completely gone, but he really was doing what I’d asked of him. He was considering his options.
Blowing out a slow breath to stop myself from crying, I reminded myself of all the reasons I’d asked for this break. No matter how much my life would be torn apart if he chose her, it was better to know now, before I took a walk down the aisle and ended up married and divorced within a year.
That thought was little comfort to me, but I tried to suppress the growing ache inside me and stood up. At least if Radleigh was taking care of Jessica, I could scrub myself clean and try to pretend it never happened.
Chapter Fourteen – I Want To Go Back
“Leah. Something’s happened.”
Those were the words that changed the course of my day. Pulled me out of my own self-pity. Radleigh had gone home again, left with barely a word, and Jessica was asleep again.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, a shiver running through me at the tone of Bryce’s voice.
“It’s Bree. Jude called me and asked me to talk to you and Freya because Bree is asking for you. She’s… she’s had a miscarriage.”
The air in the room seemed to still and my body turned cold. “No. Please… please tell me this didn’t happen.”
“I’m sorry, Leah. I hate that I had to do this but Jude was not up for making the calls. He just asked me to get you and Freya to the hospital as soon as possible because Bree wants you both there.”
What a day. What a messed up, awful day. I licked my lips to moisten them but my whole mouth had gone dry. “Oh God. Bryce, I want to go, but Jessica’s in bed and I…” How was I supposed to tell him I couldn’t call Radleigh after what had happened earlier? I wanted, needed, to be at Bree’s side, but Radleigh was probably out with Jen anyway.
“You don’t want to ask Radleigh to take care of her,” Bryce finished, but he didn’t sound judgemental. He sounded like he understood, which then made me wonder if he already knew what happened earlier.
Shaking my head, I said, “No.”
“I’ll watch her for you. I think it’s important that you go to Bree, though.”
I let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you. That would be amazing.”
“I’ll be there in thirty minutes. Sooner if I can.”
As we hung up, I stood on shaky legs and ran upstairs to change out of my lazy clothes and into something a bit less chavvy. I threw on a clean pair of jeans and a black long-sleeved top to try and stave off some of the chill that still gripped my body.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. Just a day ago Bree and I had chatted about our children growing up together and now it had all ground to a halt. I blinked back the tears because I couldn’t be a mess in front of her. I had to hold it together until I got home again. A tugging sensation in my heart took me to Jessica’s room and just as I often did, I stood by her crib and watched her sleep. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. From the second I knew she was growing inside me, I couldn’t imagine being without her. How must it feel to have that ripped away from you without reason? To have that life you created snatched away before it had had a chance to come into the world?
It wasn’t fair. Bree had been through enough in her life. Why now, just when everything was beginning to work out for her?
With a sigh, I leaned down and kissed my baby girl’s cheek. “I love you, sweetheart,” I whispered. “Mummy will be home again real soon, and until then, Uncle Bryce will be here.
”
She was in safe hands. Jessica loved Bryce, and he loved her right back. It was no surprise he had three children, and I would have bet good money that if he found the right woman, he might have a couple more.
With one last look at Jessica, I sighed and headed back downstairs, trying to figure out what I was going to say when I saw Bree.
**
That creepy clinical smell all hospitals have threatened to choke me as Freya and I wandered down the corridors to find Bree’s room. Neither of us spoke, we just gave each other a look of understanding, and when we saw Jude sitting on a chair outside what I assumed was Bree’s room, Freya and I drew in a collective breath.
Jude looked up at the sound of our footsteps, his eyes red-rimmed. That was all it took for Freya to break down, and I had to swallow back my own tears as she hugged him and he sobbed into her shoulder.
“I’m so sorry, Jude,” Freya said, holding him tightly.
“I don’t know what to do, Freya,” Jude said, holding her back just as hard. “She won’t see me. She doesn’t want me here.”
My heart fractured in my chest at the sound of his pain. I wasn’t sure why Bree wouldn’t have wanted him there, but I did know that the echo of his cries made me ache and I wished I could take this away for him, for both of them. I stepped towards them and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder.
“She will want you here,” I promised him. “Just give her some time.”
He let go of Freya and turned to me. “How much time? I can’t do this on my own.”
“You’re not on your own. Until Bree is ready, talk to us, talk to Richard, talk to Bryce. Just hang in there. You know her better than anyone. You know she’s going to need to process before she faces what’s happened. We’re all here for both of you.”
Jude nodded and brushed away his tears with the back of his hand. “I know. I just feel so useless.”
“You’re not useless,” Freya said. “You’re here, and even if she’s not ready to talk to you yet, she knows that. And that will mean everything to her.”