They no longer entrapped me with unwanted desires.
They were simply gone.
With all of my possessions spent,
One remaining empty pit remained.
It was time for me to leap from the edge of sanity
And return to my prison.
I stood at the threshold of commitment and stopped.
Another test, I imagined, to voluntarily enter the unknown.
My first encounter was out of my control,
I now felt the power of the dirt filled sanctuary.
I inhaled its essence as a wind pushed me
From behind prompting me to enter.
The cave needed me as much as I needed it and
I was not going to disappoint it.
I stepped off of the ledge and fell
Inside the darkness as it flowed over my body.
It embraced me like a new child.
I landed graciously upon the familiar dirt floor
In the safe radius ring of candlelight.
The dust cloud from my landing encircled me
And was joined by the blackness of the shadows
That swirled around me and lifted me from the ground.
I closed my eyes and enjoyed the welcoming
The cave was politely providing me.
I witnessed myself being carried by the darkness
Towards the candle that had lighted my journey for so long.
I stepped down from my carrier and felt the dirt floor once again.
I was home.
IX
Realization
I awoke from a splendid, restful sleep.
The aches in my bones told me
That I was on the ground for quite some time.
They cracked and moved back into place as I stretched.
Normally, when I would awake,
My mind had already been penetrated
With various scenarios and visions,
This time I had woke up merely in the cave
Without a story to transcribe.
It was quite pleasant to have the understanding
That I had arose within reality and not
A predetermined scenario that would
Most likely end drastically for me.
It was comforting to view my quill and paper
As if I was being reunited with a long lost friend.
They resided in the dirt like they had always done,
Patiently awaiting my interaction.
I no longer have the sensation of boredom within the cave,
Mainly due to my altered outlook on my life.
I treasure the remaining time with my dirt room now
As I know it will not last.
I look to the shadows with kindness instead of worry.
I look to the rocks as padding instead of bars.
I cherish everything that the cave presents to me.
It had given birth to me, nourished me and
Fostered me when I needed protection.
I look at my abode in a unique way now as
I am finally able to understand it.
I appreciate it more than I did in the past.
It is my sanctuary;
My own piece of heaven provided by God himself.
It has everything that I desire.
The darkness, the dirt, the shadows, and the flame
Are my personal relics now and
I treat each with the fullest respect that I can conjure.
I am at peace with my surroundings and
Comfortable being alone in my dwelling of solitude.
My mind no longer races with thoughts and
Bombards me with confusion.
I am able to see clearly and conceptualize
My relationship with the cave.
Every crack in its stone wall is a scar on my body;
Every dust cloud is a breath of air within my lungs.
The cave is a reflection of me and I represent it.
It was not meant to entrap me and torture me.
It was meant to increase my understanding of who I truly am.
It allowed me to free my mind and contemplate my inner demon.
It was not meant to rob me of my past life and destroy memories.
It was meant to awaken me.
With the candle illuminating the paper,
I am determined to finish the task that God has given me.
I have no new memory of which to transcribe so
I will entrust in my mind and within the quill
That they will work together to meet the demands.
God has only given me the memories
In which he wishes for me to remember.
For that I am grateful.
If I am not meant to know the whole tale,
I will take the small portion that I have received and be content.
The balance between good and evil is a structure so
Complicated that only he can truly understand it.
He alone controls the scales and
Never allows one side to tip too far
As to plunge civilization into an endless trench.
The humans will never
Have the full wealth of the heavens.
They merely are balanced in their lives.
I have been given an opportunity
To test their behavior and tip the scales ever so slightly.
I will not pull them to either side;
I will merely offer suggestions and
An alternate path that strays from God.
He will use my research for judgment and
Decide their fate accordingly.
I will not entrap the humans or seek to destroy them.
I will simply lure them to me with my offerings of sin.
They will neither understand sin nor
Realize what shape it is capable of portraying.
They will have many questions as to what sin is.
Some will seek guidance,
But they will truly not comprehend the core of sin.
I will misshape it and twist its meaning.
I will feed off of the natural curiosity of the humans and
Tease them with deception.
When they want less, I will give them more.
When they want more, I will take it away.
When they lock me out of their mind, I will turn the key.
When they push me away, I will pull them closer.
When they toss me aside, I will cling to them tighter.
When they ignore me, I will make myself more available.
I will be as much or as little in order to tempt them.
Some will require more of me than others.
Those that require less will be easy prey.
I will strike them first and infect their minds.
I will coil their concepts of the world and
Employ them to spread my disease.
I will harness their bodies and capitalize
On their social abilities to bring others to me.
I will be addictive and undeniable in my actions.
Once I have them, they will not stray far from me.
Some will repent against me, but I cannot be discarded.
Once inside, I cannot be cleansed; I cannot be destroyed.
Once inside, I will own them;
I will own their thoughts and control their minds.
Once inside, I will turn their minds against their bodies and
Decay their bones with methods of betrayal and hatred.
My darkness will slowly devour
Their soul and plague their beliefs.
They will question God’s authority and existence;
At which point they will be lost.
I will deliver the lost souls to God
Where they will experience his sheer power of judgment.
The more souls I deliver, the more I prosper.
Those who stay true to the faith of God
Will do so with my respect.
Let it be known that I will
Attack faith with severe hardship and suffering.
Only a dedicated mind will be able to outlast my battle.
Only a true soul will be able to deny all of me.
That soul will be free of sin and
Allowed into the heavens after death.
It will not be an easy task
As I will know every desire,
Every need that tempts man.
I will surround myself with a cloud of confusion and
Use the darkness to promote fear.
I will concentrate on those
Who have a strong belief system and
Unleash my entire arsenal to alter their path.
If required, I will revisit to fulfill my needs.
I will not stop until I obtain what I seek.
The souls of the humans will be shattered
Under my clutches and splattered
With my diseased notions and ideas of betrayal.
Some will admire my work and accept it as their own.
Those who follow me will be spared
The full span of my evil, but they will do
As I say and aide me in spreading the shadows.
They will convince others and lure them to me.
They will speak of me as a God,
But I am no God.
My servants will carry on my evilness
Even when I am not there.
I will rule over the other demons and
Work with them to alter their sins
To best suit the human population.
Not every human will see
All of the demons as I predict
That their weak minded souls will only desire
One sin before my name passes through their lips.
Those who prove to be stronger willed
Will be visited by more until they kneel before me.
There will come a time when my sin
Will blanket the planet and all who dwell upon it.
At that time, all will question themselves
And reflect upon their lives to decide whether they have sinned.
The answer will be yes.
Everyone will sin regardless of their age, sex and beliefs.
I will make sure that sin is a common practice
In the daily rituals of the humans.
Avoiding it will be an impossible task that many will fail
To see and few will understand.
Those who sin will know.
They will try to deny their actions
In order to please God.
They will try to repent of their sin
Even as they face death, but God will not hear you.
He will not be the one hearing your prayers.
He will not be the one to decide your salvation.
I will be the one who hears your prayers.
I will be the one to decide your salvation.
Once you sin, your soul belongs to me.
The path that I will create and gift to you
Will not lead to the heavens.
You will not find everlasting peace and tranquility
Within my gardens of devastation.
If a human denies all aspect of my sin
And all of my temptations,
I will leave them alone and
Allow them to journey their path towards God.
If in my observation I find one small glimmer of doubt,
I will feed it and grow it like a seed
In a freshly plowed field.
I will be there to water it and nurture it
So that it will blossom into an aura of full potential.
I will not ignore any thought of doubt
Regardless of its size, scope or intention.
I view doubt as an unlatched door and
I will enter through it every time I see it within a human.
I go forth into the world with the idea
That all humans can be tempted and
I will test my concept accordingly.
God works in unforeseen ways.
It is useless to try to understand his meaning
As even in my position I cannot comprehend.
I was chosen for a simple task
That proved difficult for me to complete.
The tortures that punished my mind
Still reside inside me, but I do not fear them.
I do not fear my past, my present or my future,
For it is what creates me as a being.
During my encounters, I believed
That I was a carpenter, a blacksmith,
A farmer, a peasant and even a prophet.
My life was complete in every detail and
Portrayed equally through my mind.
In reality, I was none of them.
That was not what God intended for me to be.
I now realize that I was born into sin.
My farm provided me contentment so I would not leave.
I was bred for sin and although at first I discarded it,
I now know that it is a part of me.
My life did not begin on the farm,
It began within this cave.
God believed in me even when I doubted him,
Even when I angered him.
I will serve him now as I had done throughout my journey.
I will see to it that his demands are met.
I have much to thank God for.
He released me from a life of lies and
Opened my eyes to see my true self.
Much like he has done for the other demons,
He has also done for me.
He halted my life dream
Allowing for my inner demon to step forward.
He allowed me an understanding
Taught by Lucifer so that my mind
Would not suffer between what was real and what was portrayed.
Although I dreaded most of my demon friends
During my encounters with them,
They each now have my full respect
For succeeding in their given tasks.
I learned patience, understanding
And the art of luring from each of them.
I learned to balance my frustration, denial
And self-pity through their evil methods.
I also learned what my mental and physical limits are.
They guided me to near death
And pushed me to the edge of insanity.
They invaded my mind with their sin
Allowing me to use it to develop my own outcome.
They each showed me an alternate path that
I willingly walked down.
They never accompanied me
As they allowed me to live through the results of my choices.
They never responded to my questions,
Never tried to make me realize
Why I opted to choose the sin.
They merely told me that I had done well,
That they were proud of my actions.
After that, they simply left and
Provided me with the opportunity to be alone
With my decisions and encounter the fate of my actions.
The cave is pleased with me
As my shadowy friends have all returned.
I no longer try to protect myself from them
As they are now my comrades.
There is one question that I do have.
Why are there eight shadows that lurk around me?
Have I not met one of the demons?
As with everything, I am positive that God
Will enlighten me when the time is appropriate,
But that does not stop me from pondering.
The shadows are relaxed and are not so frigid around me now.
They seem to dance and play
Within the cave in a celebrative fashion.
I try to read who was who amongst them,
&nb
sp; But they move so fast in and out of the darkness
That it makes it quite difficult.
Regardless, the shadows seem very content
To be in my presence and I with them.
I had always admired them when they were here.
They provided me with a sense of belonging
During my periods of severe mental isolation.
They served as my visions of hope
When I doubted myself,
As my sounds of inspiration when the cave was silent.
Most importantly, I had always seen them as my friends.
I do not believe I would have survived my task
If I were truly alone.
The solitary confinement would have been
Too much of a burden on me in my already fragile state.
For that, I owe them each my gratitude for appearing
Within the cave when they did.
From the darkness, Amon appeared and
Greeted me with only a smile.
No words were spoken;
Instead she merely collected her shadow,
Bowed before me and entered back into the darkness.
Mammon soon appeared and gathered up his shadow.
To be honest, I wanted to tear the flesh from his bones,
In a respectful manner of course
For the pain he put my body through.
Yet I withheld my powers as he was now my friend.
Belphegor appeared next and took his shadow as well.
The spirits of the demons that looked over me
Were going back with their owners
As their duties have been completed.
Beelzebub arrived next followed by
Asmodeus and Leviathan.
Finally, one of the masterminds
Behind the creation of the different scenarios
Strolled out of the darkness.
Lucifer showed himself and
Nodded his head to me out of respect.
I predicted working closely with him
As his collective creative imagination
Would be quite useful to me.
One of the last two shadows absorbed into him.
He told me that we will do well in our new tasks.
The Sinner Page 27