Trusting the Cowboy

by Carolyne Aarsen

  “What about Jodie? And Erin? You seem to be able to make your decisions in your own little world.”

  “Because that’s what I learned,” she shot back. “All my life I’ve had to be in charge. When we left this ranch, my mother was a wreck. We moved into my grandmother’s house on sufferance. I had to take care of my sisters because my grandmother barely tolerated us. After my mother died, even more so. We were shunted here in the summer to give my grandmother a break. My father didn’t know what to do with us so, once again I was in charge. When my grandmother got sick, guess who took care of her? Even Harvey required sacrifices from me. Saving money so we could build up our business and our future together. I’ve given everything I have to give to everyone I’ve ever known.”

  Her voice caught as the humiliation of that crashed in on her again. But she wasn’t going to let that determine her future. “All of my life it’s been about other people. Taking care of everyone else. Watching out for everyone else.”

  She drew in a slow breath, her anger slowly easing out of her. “Just for once, I’d like to think of me. Make a decision for me.”

  Though he held her angry gaze, his own eyes narrowed, she sensed a shifting in his attitude. As if he was at least considering what she had to say.

  And just then a muffled ringtone sounded in the office.

  She pulled her cell phone out of her back pocket and glanced at it with a sigh of resignation. “It’s Alex.”

  “Of course it is.” Vic drew back, and anything she thought she’d seen there was replaced with an icy stare. “Then I better go.”

  He gave her a curt nod, grabbed his hat and dropped it on his head as he spun on his heel.

  Then he left.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “Hey, Alex, what can I do for you?” Lauren said, wearily dropping into her father’s office chair. Her hands were still trembling from her fight with Vic.

  How had things gone so badly so quickly?

  He was pushing her. He wanted a decision and she wasn’t ready to give it to him.

  She pressed her fingers against her temple.

  “You’ve been hard to get hold of,” he said. “You sure you still want to do this deal? ’Cause you seem to be less than enthusiastic.” He sounded testy and Lauren wondered if he would back out. The idea created a sliver of fear. But behind that was a surprising sense of relief. If Alex didn’t buy the ranch...

  Amy would be left hanging. And her own plans would change. Everything she’d been working toward would disappear. Swept out of her life.

  She thought back to the fight she’d just had with Vic. The angry words she’d thrown at him.

  How she’d told him things she’d never wanted to reveal.

  He had goaded her into it, she told herself. Pushed her into a corner.

  “I still want to make this happen,” she said. “But I’m curious, would you run it as a ranch? Would you be willing to lease it to Vic?”

  “I could care less one way or the other. To tell you the truth, buying the ranch is just a way to dump some money,” Alex said. “More of an investment for me than anything.”

  An investment. Jodie’s words about Alex returned and Lauren wondered why it mattered.

  But it did. Vic had long-term plans for this place. He would nurture it. It was part of the Saddlebank legacy. Refuge Ranch had just celebrated 150 years of continuous ownership. That was a huge feat in this day and age. There was history in this place, she thought, leaning her elbows on the desk, looking out the window over the land that had been cared for and nurtured for generations of her father’s family.

  And your family.

  “Anyhow, gotta run,” Alex said. “My people will talk to your people in the next few days.” And before she could say anything, he hung up. Off to another business meeting, amassing more money to invest in other properties.

  Then she had something else that needed her attention, because her phone had beeped while she was talking to Vic.

  Amy. Sending another text. Wondering what was going on.

  The pressure of other people’s expectations dragged her in so many directions. Vic. Alex. Amy.

  Maybe she should let Vic purchase the ranch. Maybe she and Amy could make a lesser offer on the business. Get creative about financing for the rest.

  So you can move to the city and live the dream?

  The thought, once so enticing, now seemed empty and depressing.

  As the thought of leaving Vic, of not having him in her life, registered, she felt a sharp, dull pain beneath her breastbone. Sharper than any pain Harvey had ever dealt her.

  She closed her eyes, pressing her hands to her face.

  Help me to trust, Lord. Help me to know what to do. Help me to see You as my all in all.

  The passage from Sunday alighted into her mind.

  Trust in the Lord... He will direct your paths.

  But the thought of letting go of all her plans still spooked her. Made her feel untethered. Lost. She had hitched her wagon to other men’s stars before and had been left hanging. Been disappointed.

  Vic is not Harvey. He’s not your father.

  Confused and frightened, she grabbed her phone and dialed Amy’s number.

  “Thank goodness you called, girlfriend,” Amy said, breathless. “I’ve been getting all panicky. The sellers have been putting major pressure on me. How are things progressing on the sale?”

  “I just talked to Alex. He still wants to go ahead.”

  “That’s great news. Did he give you a date for closing the deal? We’re going to need those funds soon.”

  “No. I have to talk to my lawyer.” She let her eyes scan over the land. “I just wish Alex didn’t see it as only an investment. I wish he wanted to see it run as a working ranch.”

  “What do you care about that?” Amy asked. “You just want the money.”

  Did she? Really? Was the ranch that disposable to her?

  Once again she wished she could talk to Erin. Really talk to her. Not just terse text messages. Find out where she was. But the last phone call she’d had with Erin was a brief conversation about how things were going. Erin hadn’t wanted to know about the ranch. She’d just said that she’d be fine with whatever they decided.

  And while Lauren knew how Jodie felt, she had been surprisingly supportive.

  “Speaking of money, do you think the sellers would take a lesser offer?” she asked, floating the idea. “I was thinking we could talk to the bank and increase our long-term loan.”

  “Why are you talking about this at the last minute?” Amy said. “You know we went over and over this. We’ll need every penny from the sale of the ranch to add to what I’ve got to make this work. The bank will only carry us for so much. And that’s thanks to your credit rating.”

  Lauren once again felt the sting of Harvey’s betrayal. The disgrace of having her credit rating go from stellar to ugly with a few swipes of an already overcharged credit card that he had neglected to tell her about. A card in both their names that he had maxed out and then left her responsible for.

  “You can’t back out now, friend,” Amy warned. “You just can’t. You know how much this means to me.”

  “I’m not backing out. It’s just...”

  “You’ve been sounding weird the last few calls,” Amy said. “Is there something going on that I need to know about?”

  Vic, Lauren thought, pressing her fingers against her temples. Vic’s need to take this ranch on.

  “You’re not thinking of backing out, are you?”

  Lauren hesitated.

  “You know you owe me, Lauren.”

  And there it was. The card that Amy had said she would never play. The debt was finally getting called in.

  “I know.” Lauren was quiet, thi
nking of those darker days. After Harvey had left her and she’d had less than nothing, Amy had taken her in. Had given her a place to live and told her it didn’t matter that she was unable to make rent. Jodie had been dealing with her own stuff and was unable to help out. And she couldn’t go to Erin.

  But Amy had been there every step of the way, letting her stay while Lauren paid off the credit-card debt Harvey had left her with.

  Though she’d managed to repay Amy most everything, she could never repay her kindness. Now the piper needed to be paid, Lauren thought.

  “This isn’t because of this guy, is it?” Amy asked. “This guy who wants to buy the ranch instead of Alex?”

  Lauren’s wants and needs fought with each other in her head. “He’s got good plans for this place. He wants to buy it for his brother.”

  “Are you falling for this guy?” Amy said, a faintly accusing tone in her voice.

  Lauren wanted to deny it, but she couldn’t. Because she knew she was past that point. In spite of the angry words they had traded just a few moments ago, she knew she was far more connected to Vic than she wanted to admit.

  The anger he had thrown at her hurt. If he hadn’t mattered, his words couldn’t have wounded her so deeply.

  “Girlfriend, do I need to remind you of how lost you were after Harvey dumped you? How I would listen to you talk about your dad? And your last boss? You know what they all have in common? They’re guys. And you know better than anyone that you have to take care of yourself. That you can’t count on a guy to do that for you.”

  Her words flew at Lauren, striking with deadly accuracy, resurrecting insecurities that still hounded her.

  “I know I do. And you know how grateful I am to you for everything.” Still she hesitated, torn by her conflicting desires.

  I thought we were moving to an us.

  Her heart stuttered as his words resonated in her mind.

  She pressed on. “Please talk to the bank anyhow. See if they can work with the numbers I’m going to text you. Just float it past them.”

  “Okay. Just so you know, if they decline, we’re still a go, correct?”

  “I understand.”

  “Stay the course,” Amy reminded her, repeating words that Lauren had often lobbed her way when they were making these plans. “No guy is worth sacrificing your independence for.”

  They said goodbye, then Lauren tossed her cell phone on the desk, spinning her chair around, a reflection of her own mind.

  Stay the course. No guy is worth it.

  She pushed herself out of her chair. She needed to get out of here. To think.

  She strode out of the house, got in her car and headed out. She didn’t know where she was going. The only thing she knew was that she had to get away.

  Clear her head.

  * * *

  What had he done?

  Vic slammed his hand on the steering wheel, frustrated and furious with himself.

  He always prided himself on being even-keeled and steady. The sudden flashes of anger and fury had always belonged to Dean.

  But this?

  He groaned aloud as he relived the things he had said to Lauren. The pain he might have caused.

  It was fear that drove him to it, he told himself. Fear that things were coming to a head.

  Fear that he would lose Lauren.

  He wanted to call her and apologize.

  For what?

  Telling her how he felt? Laying out what he had hoped was happening?

  Unconsciously he reached in his pocket to get his cell phone.

  But his pocket was empty. He dug in his other shirt pocket, then he remembered. The last time he had used his phone was in Keith’s office at the Circle M Ranch. He must have left it there. He stopped the truck and drew in a deep breath.

  Though he didn’t want to go back, maybe this was a chance to make amends for his behavior.

  He turned the truck around, gunned it and headed back.

  Lauren’s car was gone when he arrived, which gave him a mixture of relief and regret.

  No second chances here.

  And though he knew no one was home, he still knocked on the door, then he stepped into the house, an echoing silence greeting him. Then he heard a faint ding.

  Notification that a text message was coming in on his phone. Probably Dwayne telling him when he was coming to pick up Keith’s truck. He followed the sound back to the office and saw his phone sitting on the desk beside the computer, the screen lit up with the message.

  Echoes of the fight he and Lauren had had lingered. Words he wished he could take back hovered. And in spite of that, part of him still clung to the hope that Lauren wanted to stay.

  He shook them off, grabbed his phone and swiped across the screen to read the text.

  Deal is a go. Terms as originally planned. Excited to start working together. Here’s to a future free from men.

  He glanced at the sender, confused. Someone named Amy.

  As he read it again, the puzzling words finally registered. As did the fact that the screen on this phone was pristine. His was scratched with a small crack in the corner.

  He was holding Lauren’s phone. And this text had come from the partner Lauren was going into business with.

  Lauren was going through with the sale.

  That was it. It was over. Done.

  He put the phone down and as he did, he saw his own phone, half-hidden under a stack of papers. He pulled it out and shoved it in his back pocket, waves of sorrow and anger rising up in him.

  Lauren was leaving.

  He strode out of the house toward his truck, got in and drove back toward his place, his heart heavy in his chest.

  He didn’t want to think about it but couldn’t stop.

  He wanted to pray but didn’t know what to pray for. As he drove, he stared at the road stretching ahead of him. Empty. Lonely.

  Stop writing country songs. Get a grip. She’s just a woman.

  But she wasn’t just a woman. She was Lauren. And corny as it sounded, he knew that her leaving would create an emptiness in his life he didn’t know he could ever fill.

  Help me through this, Lord, he prayed. Give me strength to deal. Help me to lean on You. Not on my own understanding.

  Pulling in a deep breath, he felt his emotions steady, his anger and exasperation with himself and with Lauren push to the back of his mind.

  At the same time, the words she’d thrown out rose up again.

  Just for once I’d like to think of me.

  Coming from someone else, that could have sounded selfish. But even before he met Lauren, he had heard Jodie say how selfless her sister was. How she had done so much for her and Erin.

  Lauren’s admission about Harvey added another layer.

  But behind that came his own reality. It was time to tell Dean that it was over.

  And as he turned his truck into the driveway of the ranch, he felt his heart sink at the thought.

  Then he saw Dwayne’s tow truck, parked by the barn. He had other things to deal with. Vic hopped out of his truck, to give Dwayne directions where to go.

  Vic had pulled Keith’s truck back behind the hay barn after the accident and hadn’t looked at it since. He couldn’t. Each time he saw the busted-in window and the crumpled cab, he thought of Keith. He was thankful that he had put it where it was so Lauren hadn’t had to see it the few times she had come to his place.

  His stomach twisted at the thought of Lauren.

  The ranch would be sold to an absentee owner. Another ranch become victim of wretched excess.

  And the worst part of this was that it meant Lauren was leaving. He had shown her what he could and told her what he dared. And she was still going.

  Help me to le
t go, Lord, he prayed. Help me to be happy for her. To know that if this is what she wants, then this is good.

  But even as he prayed, he couldn’t rid himself of the idea that maybe this wasn’t entirely what she wanted. But he had to let go. Let her do whatever it was she thought she wanted to do. Give her the space to do it.

  “Did anyone come and get the registration papers from the truck?” Dwayne asked as he jumped out of the cab of his truck, ready to hook up the winch cable.

  “Insurance company didn’t need them. They had everything on file.”

  “I might need them. Just in case,” Dwayne said, pulling on his gloves.

  While he got ready, Vic walked over to the truck and yanked on the passenger door. It took a few tries, but he finally jerked it open. The glove box proved just as unwieldy. He pulled his jackknife out of his pocket and fiddled with the latch, then finally managed to get it open. The insurance papers and registration card were tucked in a black vinyl folder inside. He pulled the folder out and as he did a stained and wrinkled envelope came with it and drifted to the floor of the truck.

  Vic bent over and picked it up. Then frowned.

  The envelope had his name scrawled across the front. In Keith McCauley’s handwriting.

  A chill feathered down his spine as things came together. Keith McCauley had been on his way to Vic’s place when he had his accident. Had he been coming to deliver this?

  He thought of the letters Lauren and Jodie had mentioned. Letters that spoke of regrets and sorrow and offered apologies. Was this letter one of those?

  “Got the stuff?” Dwayne asked as Vic slowly closed the door, still staring down at the envelope.

  “Yeah. Here it is.” He handed him the folder but folded up the letter and tucked it in the back pocket of his blue jeans.

  Dwayne flipped open the folder and shot Vic a puzzled glance. “You look kinda pale. You okay?”

  “I’m fine. Let’s get this truck loaded up and out of here.”

  Twenty minutes later the truck was on the flat deck, Dwayne was headed back to town and Vic was finally alone. He tugged the envelope out of his pocket, trudged over to the corrals and sank down on a hay bale. He held the letter a moment, thinking of Keith. Remembering.