by Penelope Sky
“I hate myself for letting this happen. I hate myself for letting us get that far. And I also hate you for being what you are. Why couldn’t you just be someone else?”
“You don’t want me to be someone else, baby. You like me exactly as I am, dark, cold, furious…you don’t want to be with a clean and respectable man like you think. You want me because I’m powerful, because I’m not afraid of anything, even taking someone’s life. You want me because I’m the only man on this planet who could keep you safe from everything. You want me because I’m strong, confident, and act like an asshole nearly all the time. Baby, you don’t want a gentleman. You’re one hell of a woman, and you deserve one hell of a man. That’s me. There’s no one out there better for you than me.”
He was right. I didn’t want anyone else.
“Baby, be with me.”
There was nothing I wanted more. I wanted him to walk through the front door and fall into my bed. I wanted him between my legs, his hands in my hair, his lips brushing against mine. I didn’t want this distance between us, my hand getting me off because he wasn’t there to please me anymore. “No…”
“You’d rather be with a man you don’t love just because your family likes him? The only thing you’ll have is their approval, but you won’t have the heat like we have between us. You won’t have passion. You won’t have this painful, throbbing, lustful love that we have. I’ve been with a lot of women, and I’ve never even come close to this. You think you’re ever going to find a man who gives you what I give you?”
“No…”
“Then stop torturing both of us, baby. Stop this madness.”
I sighed into the phone. “It’ll just be harder later…”
“Don’t worry about later. Worry about now.”
“I can’t do that…”
“Baby, I don’t know what’s going to happen between us. But you’re focused on the very end of the relationship, marriage and kids and shit. I don’t even know if I want those things. All I want right now is you. So, let’s do this, ride it out, and see if it even goes anywhere. Not every relationship ends in a happily ever after. Most don’t. So stop thinking about what may or may not happen. Let this relationship run its course.”
I couldn’t let that happen. If I already felt this way, I couldn’t even imagine how I would feel months from now. “I should go to bed…” I couldn’t listen to him persuade me anymore. If I listened to it for too long, he might actually convince me.
Bones didn’t argue with me.
“Matteo will never call me again, so you don’t have to worry about him. I’m not ready to date…not even close. I thought I could just push through this, but I obviously can’t.”
“Why do you think he’ll never call you again?”
I chuckled even though I didn’t feel an ounce of happiness inside me. “I was a horrible date who was constantly distracted by my phone, I told him I was still hung up on my ex and I was doing everything I possibly could to get over him, and I invited him over to screw and then abruptly changed my mind. I looked like a dumb girl who has no idea what she wants. A guy like him would never call me again.” He was wealthy and handsome. He could pick up a woman at a bar in ten minutes and take her home. Maybe that was what he did after he left my place. Wouldn’t judge him for it.
“Baby, he’ll call you again. Trust me.”
“I don’t think you understand how badly that date went…”
“And I don’t think you understand how hard he was staring at you all night. I don’t think you understand just how charming, sexy, and beautiful you are. I don’t think you understand that every man in this world would kill to have a woman like you.”
Three
Bones
A week went by, and Vanessa didn’t call me.
I spent my time working, trying to stay busy so I wouldn’t have to acknowledge the pain deep inside my chest.
I hadn’t gotten laid in three weeks, and I was starting to lose my mind.
My hand was losing its effectiveness.
I needed Vanessa’s mouth, pussy, or ass—something.
I was entitled to go out and pick up some woman or pay for sex, but I didn’t want that.
There was only one woman I wanted. Everyone else would just be a letdown.
I was the kind of man who was brutally honest, and I didn’t regret saying the truth to someone’s face. But I regretted telling Vanessa how I felt about her. Even though she felt the same way, it was the wrong move. I’d still be waking up next to her every morning if I’d just kept my big mouth shut.
Now I was living in hell.
I stayed at my place in Milan, wanting to be close to her instead of far away in Lake Garda. A part of me agreed with Vanessa that we should just forget about each other and move on. I would always hate her, regardless of how much I loved her. I didn’t want a future as a husband with kids. All I wanted was her.
But forgetting a woman like that was impossible.
She cast a spell on me that would never fade away. Even though she wasn’t mine anymore, I still considered her to be my property. When her GPS had headed to that restaurant, I feared the worst—that she was going on a date. I should have stayed home and let my rage simmer in privacy.
But, no, I snapped.
I didn’t want some other dog sniffing around my woman.
My woman.
My only other option was to change Vanessa’s mind.
But damn, she was so stubborn. So fucking stubborn it drove me crazy.
When a week turned into eleven days, my patience cracked. My dick was hard all the time, and I missed her like crazy. I didn’t just miss the sex, but I missed talking to her. I missed existing in silence with her. She was one of the few people in this world who really understood me, who accepted me for who I was.
If our families didn’t hate each other so much, I’d be buried between her legs right now.
Fucking nightmare.
After everything I did to her, keeping her as a prisoner while holding her family’s lives over her head, I should just leave her alone and let her move on. If that’s what she wanted, I should step aside and let her leave.
But I wasn’t a good guy. I never pretended I was. Vanessa knew exactly what I was.
A possessive, overbearing psychopath.
It was six in the evening when I walked up the stairs to her apartment. I wanted to unlock the door with my key and let myself inside like I owned the place, but I didn’t have the right to do that anymore. As much as it annoyed me, I raised my fist and knocked.
I could see that the lights were on through the blinds in her window, so I knew she was home. She probably hadn’t eaten dinner yet. I pictured her sitting on the couch with the TV on, painting her nails or scrolling through her phone.
It was too late for her to be painting, not when it was already getting dark.
My knuckles tapped against the flimsy wood, the sound echoing because my fist was so dense. After three knocks, I dropped my hands to my sides and stood there, waiting for my woman to open the door and face me.
When she took her time, I knew she knew I was on the other side of the door. She was trying to fight her urge to let me in, trying to be strong and ignore me. But she wasn’t naïve enough to believe I would actually walk away without a fight. I was there now—and I wasn’t leaving.
It took her nearly a full minute to finally unlock the door and open it. Her shoulder-length black hair was pulled over one shoulder, revealing the slender neck I’d smothered with kisses countless times. She wasn’t wearing makeup, exactly the way I liked her. Her eyelashes were naturally thick and full, curled toward the ceiling. Her green eyes were bright, contrasting against her olive skin and dark hair. She was in a long-sleeved sweater that reached her knees, with a pair of white tube socks on her feet. She didn’t have any bottoms on, and I imagined what kind of panties she wore. Maybe a black thong or a lacy bikini bottom.
She shouldn’t have answered the door like that, no
t if she was going to try to get me to leave.
Silence descended, and we stared at each other. My breath came out as vapor because I’d been standing in the cold for a few minutes. It had stopped snowing and spring was quickly approaching, but the icy aftermath remained behind.
She kept one hand on the door, like holding the handle was enough to keep me out. “I can’t let you in, Bones…”
“I don’t need you to let me do anything.” I pushed my hand against the door and opened it wider so I could step inside.
Her hand dropped from the handle, and she immediately looked away, knowing she was powerless against me when I was determined.
I shut and locked the door behind me, looking down at her as she stepped back and tried to put space between us. She tucked her hair behind her ear, the nerves getting to her. The sun was gone, and we were alone behind closed doors.
That meant only one thing would happen.
She crossed her arms over her chest, her shoulders rising and falling quicker now that the tension increased. An invisible shadow passed over both of us, packed with unbridled heat. We could barely stand in the same room together without feeling this surge between us. It was impossible for me to look at her without thinking she was mine.
She broke eye contact and looked at the ground, the only way to avoid my piercing gaze. “Bones, you shouldn’t be here.”
“I don’t care.”
“You’re just making it harder—”
“I said, I don’t care.”
She sighed then lifted her gaze to mine.
“I can’t do this anymore. We need to finish what we started. We’re both in this relationship even if we have no relationship. I have the freedom to pick up a beautiful woman and do dirty things with her in my bed, but I don’t want to. Jerking off worked for a while, but that’s wearing off. We can be in two different places, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t together. We can try to get over each other, but that’s not going to happen either. So stop fighting it, Vanessa. Let it be.”
She moved to the couch and sat down, crossing her legs so she could hide her body as much as possible.
I remained standing, looking down at her with shaking hands. I wanted to pin her down, throw her legs over my shoulder, and fuck her right into the cushions. I wanted to get lost in the passion, to forget about all the other bullshit in my life. When Vanessa and I were connected, I didn’t feel like a criminal or a broken soul. I just felt like a man…her man.
She turned away, looking at the fire in her fireplace.
“Baby,” I whispered. “Let’s see this through. You say this would never work, but I’m not asking you to marry me. I’m not asking for forever. I’m just asking for now.” I stepped closer to her then slid my hand underneath the fall of her hair. I missed the way my fingers used to touch her soft hair, the smooth strands that were so easy to fist. I yanked gently, forcing her to look up at me. “Give me now.”
Her green eyes weren’t bright with hope, but dark with sadness. She closed her eyes for a long time so she wouldn’t have to look at me.
I moved to kneel in front of her, my knees hitting the carpet in front of the couch. My waist pressed against her knee, and my face was just inches from hers. I was tired of keeping my distance, tired of pretending we weren’t together when we clearly were. “Look at me.”
She resisted me, keeping her eyes shut.
“Don’t make me ask you again.”
Her resistance only lasted a few more seconds before her eyes opened. Emotional and exhausted, she looked at me with eyes showing a world full of pain.
“Baby, we can keep fighting this, but it’s inevitable. You want me and I want you. This is just about us, not your family or mine. It’s no one’s business but our own. No one even needs to know about it. You’re thinking about the end when we haven’t even had a beginning yet. Don’t think about the future. Just think about the present.”
Her eyes shifted back and forth as she looked into mine. She’d never looked so beautiful as she did when she was trying to resist me. It was futile—and she knew it. “You don’t understand…”
“Then make me understand, baby.”
“You say we don’t know what’s going to happen…that you aren’t asking me to marry you. Most relationships don’t end in happily ever after, and we’ll be no different. We should enjoy each other and see where this goes…but it’s more complicated than that.”
“How?” I demanded. “You’re only making it more complicated—”
“Because I love you…” She closed her eyes again, and this time, a few tears escaped and rolled down her cheeks. She opened them again, her green eyes glossy with tears. “You’re the last man I ever thought I would love.”
Her tears hurt me, but her words gave me a high I’d never felt before. I knew how she felt about me, but she never had the courage to say it to my face. Hearing those words aroused me, made me even more obsessed than I was before.
“You kill people, and you hate my family. You kidnapped me, held a knife to my throat, and almost killed me on camera. You demanded I satisfy you if I wanted to keep my family safe. You’re not what I want in life…but I’ve somehow fallen in love with you. I’m so damn in love with you, it’s stupid. I hate it when you’re gone, and every night you aren’t with me, it hurts a little more. And if I feel this way after everything you’ve done…how will I feel if I let this continue? I’m only going to fall harder for you. I’m only going to fall more in love with you every passing day. You say we don’t know where this is going to go…but I do. If I can’t let you go now, how will I let you go later? It’ll just be a million times harder…so hard I can’t even imagine.” More tears fell, thick drops of sadness down her cheeks.
My hands cupped her face, and I wiped her tears away with the pads of my thumbs. The moisture was connected to my fingers, and the salt dissolved into my skin. I hated seeing my baby cry, hated seeing the torment she was suffering—because of me. Loving her had caused her more pain than anything else I’d ever done to her.
My love killed her.
I rested my forehead against hers and closed my eyes, feeling her breath on my skin. My hands explored her waist, caressing her petite frame in the baggy sweater she wore. It hurt to see her cry, but I also thought she’d never looked more beautiful, her face free of makeup and with the baggy socks on her feet. I wanted to take her to bed and kiss all her tears away. I wanted to wrap her in my arms and make love to her, making her the first woman I’d ever made love to. I wanted to hold on to her forever, to cherish her as my woman. I wanted her for so many reasons, and I hated the fact that only my worst enemy was man enough to know how to raise a beautiful and strong woman. I’d never felt more respect, more admiration, for a woman besides my own mother.
I was hurting Vanessa, and I hated the fact that I was hurting her.
I couldn’t do it anymore. I kissed her forehead, letting my warm lips linger against her soft skin for a long time. I didn’t want to let her go, but I knew I had to, once and for all. If she didn’t want to be with me, I couldn’t force her. She’d made up her mind, and I didn’t want to sit there and persuade her otherwise. If she wanted to be with me, she had to decide that on her own.
I couldn’t decide for her. “Goodbye, baby.”
She opened her eyes and looked at me, the tears forming for a new reason.
“I love you.” I tilted her face up so she could look me in the eye, so our eyes could be connected the way our souls were. I wanted to tell her how I felt about her and listen to her say it back. I wanted to hear those deep words from her beautiful lips.
She didn’t say anything for a long time, procrastinating as long as possible. She knew once she said those words, I would walk out for good and never contact her again. I would turn off her GPS signal and stop tracking her. I would shut the door on our relationship forever and move on with my life. I would go back to my prostitutes and my booze. I would go back to pure emptiness. “I love you too…”
Four
Vanessa
I knew it was really over.
Bones let me go. He wouldn’t contact me ever again.
Now I had a real shot to move on and start over.
But I was still carrying so much pain in my chest I thought it would cripple me. I told him I loved him, and saying those words out loud somehow made me love him even more. It was a relief to get it off my chest, to say the truth in my heart.
Even though he already knew how I felt.
I spent my time staying home, painting, and going to the store when I was out of food. I didn’t feel like visiting anyone because I was too sad to pretend I enjoyed company. One good thing that came out of it was my productivity.
I created a lot of paintings.
Next time I took a trip to visit my parents, I would bring them along. I hoped my family wouldn’t stop by unexpectedly and visit me. I wasn’t in the mood to put on a smile and pretend that everything was okay.
That I wasn’t heartbroken.
I was sitting at my easel when my phone rang. I knew it wasn’t Bones, so I didn’t get my hopes up. I took my time putting my brush down and wiping my hands with a damp cloth before I answered.
It was a number I didn’t recognize. “This is Vanessa.” I looked out my open window to the blue sky beyond, wondering if Bones was looking at that same sky. And if so, was he thinking about me?
“Hey.” The man’s deep voice was immediately recognizable, so suave and confident. “How are you?”
“Matteo?” I asked in surprise.
“Yours truly,” he said, a smile in his voice. “Wanted to see if you were free for dinner tonight.”
He was asking me out…again? Our last date was absolutely horrifying. I was so damn rude. I certainly wouldn’t ask me out again. “Seriously?”
He kept up his playful attitude. “Seriously.”
“I’m sorry…I didn’t expect you to call me. How did you get this number?”