The Bromeliad 1 - Truckers

by Terry Pratchett

  'Humans are taking the Store to bits!' Masklin sat bolt upright.

  'They can't be! It's not time!' he said.

  'They're doing it just the same!' Masklin stood up, struggling into his clothes. He jigged sideways across the floor, one leg out of his trousers, and thumped the Thing.

  'Hey!' he said 'You said the demolition wasn't for ages yet!' 'Fourteen days,' said the Thing 'It's starting now!' 'This is probably the removal of remaining stock to new premises, and preliminary works,' said the Thing.

  'Oh, good. That should make everyone feel a lot better. Why didn't you tell us?' '1 was not aware you did not know.' 'Well, we didn't. So what do you suggest we. do now?' 'Leave as soon as possible.' Masklin snarled. He bad expected two more weeks to solve all the problems. They could have stockpiled stuff to take with them. They could: have made proper plans. Even two weeks was hardly long enough. Now even the thought of one week was a luxury.

  He went out into the milling, disorganized crowd. Fortunately the boards hadn't been taken up in an inhabited area - some of the more sensible refugees said that only a few had been taken up in the far end of the Gardening Department, so the humans could get at the water pipes but nomes living nearby were taking no chances.

  There was a thump overhead. A few minutes later a breathless nome arrived and reported that the carpets were being rolled up and taken away.

  That caused a terrified silence. Masklin realized that they were all looking at him.

  'Er,' he said.

  Then he said, 'I think everyone ought to get as much food as they can carry and go down to the basement, near to the garage.' 'You mean you still think we should do it?' said Gurder.

  We haven't much choice, have we?' 'But we were - you said we should take as much as we could from the Store, all the wire and tools and things. And books,' said Gurder.

  We'll be lucky if we can just take ourselves. There's no time!' Another messenger came running up. It was one of Dorcas's group. He whispered something to Masklin, who gave a strange smile.

  'Can it be that Arnold Bros (est. 1905) has abandoned us in our hour of need?' said Gurder.

  'I don't think so. He may be helping us,' said Masklin. 'Because, well, you'll never guess where the humans are putting all this stuff...'

  12

  i. And the Outsider said, Glory to the Name of Arnold Bros (est. 1905).

  ii. For he hath Sent us a Lorry, and the Humans are loading it now with all manner of Things needful to nomes. It is a Sign. Everything Must Go. Includ­ing us.

  From The Book of Nome, Exits Chap. 2, v.I-II Half an hour later Masklin lay on the girder with Dorcas, looking down at the garage.

  He had never seen it so busy. Humans sleep-walked across the floor, carrying bundles of carpet into the backs of some of the lorries. Yellow things, like a cross between a very small lorry and a very large armchair, inched around them, stacking boxes. Dorcas passed him the telescope.

  'Busy little things, ain't they,' he said conver­sationally. 'Been at it all morning, they have. A couple of lorries have already gone out and come back, so they can't be going very far.' 'The letter we saw said something about a new Store,' said Masklin. Perhaps they're taking the stuff there.' 'Could be. It's mostly carpets at the moment, and some of the big frozen humans from Fash­ions.' Masklin made a face. According to Gurder, the big pink humans that stood in Fashions, and Kid­dies Klothes, and Young Living, and never moved at all, were those who had incurred Arnold Bros (est. 1905)'s displeasure. They had been turned into horrible pink stuff, and some said they could even be taken apart. But certain Klothian philosophers said no, they were particularly good humans, who had been allowed to stay in the Store for ever and not made to disappear at Closing Time. Religion was very hard to understand.

  As Masklin watched, the big roller door creaked upwards and a lorry nearby started with a roar and ground slowly out into the blinding day­light.

  What we need,' he said, 'is a lorry with a lot of stuff from the Ironmongery Department. Wire, you know, and tools and things. Have you seen any food?' 'Looked like a lot of stuff from the Food Hall on the first lorry out,' said Dorcas.

  'We'll have to make do, then.' 'What'll I do,' said Dorcas slowly, 'if they load it all up on a lorry and drive it away? They're working powerful fast, for humans.' 'Surely they can't empty the Store in one day?' said Masklin.

  Dorcas shrugged.

  'Who knows?' he said.

  'You'll have to stop the lorry from leaving,' said Masklin.

  'How? By throwing myself under it?' 'Any way you can think of,' said Masklin.

  Dorcas grinned. 'I'll find a way. The lads are getting used to this place.' Refugees were flowing into the Ironmongery Department from all over the Store, filling all the space under the floor with a frightened buzz of whispered conversation. Many of them looked up as Masklin walked past, and what he saw in their faces terrified him.

  They believe I can help, he thought. They're looking at me as if I'm their only hope.

  And I don't know what to do. Probably none of it will work, we should have had more time. He forced himself to look brimful of confidence, and it seemed to satisfy people. All they wanted to know was that someone, somewhere, knew what they were doing. Masklin wondered who it was; it certainly wasn't him.

  The news was bad from everywhere. A lot of the Gardening Department had been cleared. Most of the Clothes departments were empty. The coun­ters were being ripped out of Cosmetics, although fortunately not many nomes lived there. Masklin could hear, even here, the thud and crunch of the work going on.

  Finally he could stand it no longer. Too many people kept staring at him. He went back down to the garage, where Dorcas was still watching from his spy post on top of the girder.

  'What's happened?' said Masklin.

  The old nome pointed to the lorry immediately below them.

  'That's the one we want,' he said. 'It's got all sorts in it. Lots of stuff from the Do-It-Yourself Department. There's even some haberdashery things, needles and whatnot. All the stuff you told me to look out for.

  We've got to stop them driving it out!' said Masklin. Dorcas grinned.

  'The machinery that raises the door won't work,' he said. 'The fuse has gone.' What's a fuse?' said Masklin.

  Dorcas picked up a long, thick red bar lying by his feet. 'This is,' he said.

  'You took it?' 'Tricky job, we had to tie a bit of string round it. Made a powerful big spark when we pulled it out.' 'But I expect they can put another one in,' said Masklin.

  'Oh, they did,' said Dorcas, with a self-satisfied expression. 'They're not daft. Didn't work though, because after we took the fuse out the lads went and cut the wires inside the wall in a couple of places. Very dangerous, but it'll take the humans for ever to find it.' 'Hmm. But supposing they lever the door up?' 'Won't do them any good. It's not as if the lorry will go, anyway.' 'Why not?' Dorcas pointed downwards. Masklin watched, and after a moment saw a couple of small figures scurry out from under the lorry and dive into the shadows by the wall. They were carrying a pair of pliers.

  A moment later a solitary figure hurried after them, dragging a length of wire.

  'Powerful lot of wire them lorries need,' said Dorcas. 'This one ain't got so much, now.' Funny, isn't it. Take away a tiny spark and the lorry won't go. Don't worry, though, I reckon we'll know where to put it all back later' There was a clang down below. One of the humans had given the door a kick.

  'Temper, temper,' said Dorcas mildly.

  'You've thought of just about everything,' said Masklin, admiringly.

  'I hope so,' said Dorcas. 'But we'd better make sure, hadn't we.' He stood up and produced a large white flag, which he waved over his head. There was an answering flicker of white from the shad­ows on the far side of the garage.

  And then the lights went out.

  'Useful thing, electricity,' said Dorcas, in the darkness. There was a rumble of annoyance from the humans below, and then a jangling noise as one of them walked into
something. After some grunting and a few more thuds, one of the humans found a doorway out into the basement, and the rest of them followed it.

  'Don't you think they'll suspect something?' said Masklin.

  'There's other humans working in the Store, they'll probably think they caused it,' said Dorcas.

  'That electricity is amazing stuff,' said Masklin. 'Can you make it? The Count de Ironmongri was very mysterious about it.' 'That's because the Ironmongri don't know any­thing,' sniffed Dorcas. 'Just how to steal it. I can't seem to get the hang of the reading business, but young Vinto has been looking at books for me. He says making electricity is very simple. You just need to get hold of some stuff called you-ranium. I think it's a kind of metal.' 'Is there some in the Ironmongery Depart­ment?' said Masklin hopefully.

  'Apparently not,' said Dorcas.

  The Thing wasn't very helpful, either.

  'I doubt if you are ready for nuclear power yet,' it said. 'Try windmills.' Masklin finished putting his possessions, such as they were, in a bag.

  'When we leave,' he said, 'you won't be able to talk, will you? You need electricity to drink.' 'That is the case, yes.' 'Can't you tell us which way we should go?' 'No. However, I detect radio traffic indicative of airline activity to the north of here.' Masklin hesitated. 'That's good, is it?' 'It means there are flying machines.' 'And we can fly all the way home?' said Masklin. 'No. But they may be the next step. it may be possible to communicate with the starship. But first, you must ride the lorry.' 'After that, I should think anything is possible,' said Masklin gloomily. He looked expectantly at the Thing, and then noticed with horror that its lights were going off, one by one.

  'Thing!' 'When you are successful, we will talk again,' said the Thing.

  'But you're supposed to help us!' said Masklin. 'I suggest you consider deeply the proper mean­ing of the word "help",' said the box. 'Either you are intelligent nomes, or just clever animals. It's up to you to find out which.' What?' The last light went off.

  'Thing?' The lights stayed off. The little black box con­trived to look extremely dead and silent.

  'But I relied on you to help us sort out the driving and everything! You're just going to leave me like this?' If anything, the box got darker. Masklin stared at it.

  Then he thought: it's all very well for it. Every­one's relying on me. I've got no one to rely on. I wonder if the old Abbot felt like this? I wonder how he stood it for so long? It's always me who has to do everything, no one ever thinks about me or what I want...

  The shabby cardboard door swung aside and Grimma stepped in.

  She looked from the darkened Thing to Mask­lin.

  'They're asking for you out there,' she said quietly. 'Why is the Thing all dark?' 'It just said goodbye! It said it won't help any more!' Masklin wailed. 'It just said we have to prove we can do things for ourselves and it will speak to us when we're successful! What shall I do?' I know what I could do, he thought. I could do with a cool flannel. I could do with a bit of under­standing. I could do with a bit of sympathy. Good old Grimma. You can rely on her.

  What you'll do,' she said sharply, 'is jolly well stop moping and getup and go out there and get things organized!' 'Wha-' 'Sort things out! Make new plans! Give people orders! Get on with it!' 'But-' 'Do it now!' she snapped.

  Masklin stood up.

  'You shouldn't talk to me like that,' he said plaintively. 'I'm the leader, you know.' She stood arms akimbo, glaring at him.

  'Of course you're the leader,' she said. 'Did I say you weren't the leader? Everyone knows you're the leader! Now get out there and lead!' He lurched past. She tapped him on the shoul­der.

  'And learn to listen,' she added.

  'Eh? What do you mean?' 'The Thing's a sort of thinking machine, isn't it? That's what Dorcas said. Well, machines say exactly what they mean, don't they?' 'Yes, I suppose so, but-' Grimma gave him a bright, triumphant smile.

  'Well, it said "When",' she said. 'Think about it. It could have said "If ".' Night came. Masklin thought the humans were never going to leave. One of them, with a torch and a box of tools, spent a long time examining fuse boxes and peering at the wiring in the base­ment. Now at last even it was gone, grumbling and slamming the door behind it.

  After a little while, the lights came on in the garage.

  There was a rustling in the walls, and then a dark tide flowed out from under benches. Some of the young nomes in the lead carried hooks on the end of thread lines, which they swung up to the lorry's covers. They caught, one after another, and the nomes swarmed up them.

  Other nomes brought thicker string, which was tied to the ends of the thread and gradually dragged upwards...

  Masklin ran along, under the endless shadow of the lorry, to the oily darkness under the engine where Dorcas's teams were already dragging their equipment into position. Dorcas himself was in the cab, rooting around among the thick wires.

  There was a sizzling noise, and then the light in the cab came on.

  'There,' said Dorcas. 'Now we can see what we're at. Come on, lads! Let's have a bit of effort!' When he 'turned around and saw Masklin he made as if to hide his hands behind his back, and then thought better of it. Both of them were thrust into what Masklin could now see were the fingers cut out of rubber gloves.

  'Ah,' said Dorcas, 'didn't know you were there. Bit of a trade secret, see? Electricity can't abide rubber. It stops the stuff from biting you.' He ducked as a team of nomes swung a long wooden beam across the cab and started to fasten it to the gear lever.

  'How long's it going to take?' shouted Masklin, as another team ran past dragging a ball of string. There was quite a din in the cab now, and threads and bits of wood were moving in every direction in what he hoped was an organized way.

  'Could be an hour, maybe,' said Dorcas, and added, not unkindly, 'We'd get on quicker without people in the way.' Masklin nodded, and explored the rear of the cab. The lorry was old, and he found another hole for a bundle of wires which, at a squeeze, would take a nome as well. He crawled out into the open air and then found another gap which let him into the rear of the lorry.

  The first nomes aboard had dragged up one end of a thin piece of wood, which was acting as a gangplank. The rest were scrambling up it now.

  Masklin had put Granny Morkie in charge of this. The old woman had a natural talent for making frightened people do things.

  'Steep?' she was shouting at a fat nome, who had got halfway up and was clinging there in fright.

  'Call this steep? It ain't steep, it's a stroll! Want me to come down there and help you?' The mere threat budged him from his perch and he nearly ran the rest of the way, ducking gratefully into the shadows of the cargo.

  'Everyone had better try to find somewhere soft to lie down,' said Masklin. 'It could be a rough journey. And you must send all the strongest nomes up towards the cab. We're going to need everyone we can get, believe me.' She nodded, and then shouted at a family that was blocking the gangway.

  Masklin looked down at the endless stream of people climbing into the lorry, many of them' staggering under the weight of possessions.

  Funny, but now he felt he'd done everything he could. Everything was ticking over like a, like a, like something that went tick. Either all the plans would work, or they wouldn't. Either the nomes could act together, or they couldn't.

  He recalled the picture of Gulliver. It probably wasn't real, Gurder had said. Books often had things in them that weren't really real. But it would be nice to think that nomes could agree on something long enough to be like the little people in the book...

  'Well, it's all going well, then,' he said vaguely.

  Well enough.' Granny nodded.

  'It would be a good idea if we found out exactly what was in all these boxes and things,' Masklin ventured, 'because we might have to get out quickly when we stop and-' 'I tole Torrit to see to it,' said Granny. 'Don't you worry about it.' 'Oh,' said Masklin weakly 'Good' He hadn't left himself anything to do.

  He
went back to the cab out of sheer well, not boredom, because his heart was pounding like a drum - but out of restlessness.

  Dorcas's nomes had already built a wooden platform above the steering wheel and right in front of the big window. Dorcas himself was back down on the floor of the cab, drilling the driving teams.

  'Right!' he shouted. 'Give me... First Gear!' 'Pedal Down ... two, three ...' chorused the team on the clutch pedal.

  'Pedal Up... two, three.. .' shouted the accel­erator team.

  'Lever Up... two, three...' echoed the nomes by the gear lever.

  'Pedal Up ... two, three, four!' the leader of the clutch team threw Dorcas a salute. 'Gear all changed, sir!' he shouted.

  'That was terrible. Really terrible,' said Dorcas. What's happened to the accelerator team, eh? Get that pedal down!' 'Sorry, Dorcas.' Masklin tapped Dorcas on the shoulder. 'Keep doing it!' Dorcas commanded. 'I want you dead smooth all the way up to fourth. Yes? What? Oh, it's you.' 'Yes, it's me. Everyone's nearly on,' said Mask­lin. 'When will you be ready?' 'This lot won't be ready ever.' 'Oh.' 'So we might as well start whenever you like and pick it up as we go along. We can't even try steering until it's moving, of course.' 'We're going to send alot more people to help you,' said Masklin.

  'Oh, good,' said Dorcas. 'Just what I need, lots more people who don't know their right from their left.' 'How are you going to know which way to steer?' 'Semaphore,' said Dorcas firmly. 'Semaphore?' 'Signalling with flags. You just tell my lad up on the platform what you want done, and I'll watch the signals. If we'd had one more week I reckon I could have rigged up some sort of telephone.' 'Flags,' said Masklin. Will that work?' 'It'd better, hadn't it. We can give it a try later on.' And now it was later on. The last nome scouts had climbed aboard. In the back of the lorry most of the people made themselves as comfortable as possible and lay, wide awake, in the darkness.

  Masklin was up on the platform with Angalo, Gurder and the Thing. Gurder knew even less about lorries than Masklin, but it was felt best to have him there, just in case. After all, they were stealing Arnold Bros (est. 1905)'s lorry. Someone might have to do some explaining. But he'd drawn the line about having Bobo in the cab. The rat was back with everyone else.