The Bridge of Silver Wings

by John Wiltshire

  Ben nodded, but didn’t get them out of his pocket. “What’s going on? Why did you just walk out?”

  “Didn’t you have enough money to pay? Remind me to top up your bank account.”

  Ben frowned. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? Since when have you ever put money into…? Okay, well…” This was a very touchy subject with Ben as he’d once been accused of being a male prostitute, living off older men’s money, and although Nikolas dismissed it all with an imperious wave, he’d dropped his old joke, Ben noticed, that Ben was only gay for pay. Clearly Nikolas privately saw some truth to these allegations, despite his protestations they were ridiculous. It was with some genuine confusion, therefore, that Ben added, “Jesus, Nik, what’s wrong? Seriously?”

  Nikolas indicated to the car door he wanted opened, and Ben clicked the key. They climbed in, but Ben didn’t start the engine. He wasn’t going anywhere.

  Nikolas stared out of his side window as if they were driving along and there was something to see. “So, your promises meant nothing? Everything we’ve been through together has meant nothing? I can’t believe I’m having this conversation—that I’m thinking and saying these things. That I’ve been brought to this—by you.” He turned and glared at Ben. “Once, I would have just killed you. I’d prefer that now rather than have to sit here and listen to what you’re going to say. Listen to myself being so pathetic.”

  Ben very cautiously put his hand on Nikolas’s thigh, just a very light touch. It was like deciding to calm a pit bull with a winning smile. “I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. I said I didn’t see enough of you, that I miss you, and I don’t want us to keep being apart so much, and you just got up and walked off, and now you’re ranting about killing me. Are you drunk? Stoned?”

  Nikolas appeared to be thinking deeply about this for a moment. “You declared it was over, that we were over, that you were bored and didn’t want us to be together anymore, that you’d met someone else. I distinctly remember you saying that.”

  “Huh? I said we never see each other anymore, that I don’t like this damn job, and that I want things back as they were. When it was just us.”

  Nikolas started to speak, but he seemed to think some more. “You admitted you’d been seeing someone else for weeks.”

  “Bloody hell! Are you completely bonkers? I said I’ve been thinking about giving up this damn filming and travelling all the time. I don’t want it, Nik. I just want you, and I shouldn’t think like that, should I? I can’t just immerse myself totally in you!” He started to get really angry with Nikolas then for making him want him so much. “I need to have my own life, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to have a single night apart from you. I don’t want telephone calls and fucking checking schedules to see if we’re in the same place at the same time so we can meet for fucking lunch. I don’t need to do this job. I’m not the one who’s bored. You are. You need this because I’m not enough for you. Fucking hell.” He climbed out of the car and paced away a few feet away to compose himself. He sensed Nikolas come up behind him.

  “So, just to make it clear for me. You’re not sleeping with someone else?” Ben turned. He suddenly swore and yanked Nikolas to him, kissing him and telling him between the kisses, in colourful language he was not normally allowed to use, just how dumb Nikolas really was. For once, Nikolas allowed this transgression on his dignity.

  § § §

  Nikolas had forgotten how quickly kissing always swelled desires that couldn’t be satisfied in public. But the need this time, after the shock he’d received, was more urgent than usual. He glanced around the dark, underground space and pushed Ben into a shadowed corner. After a while, though, he held Ben off, reluctantly, his face stinging from stubble, knowing Ben’s would be too. “I don’t like you in this job either, Ben. I’m jealous of the people you meet, and what I know they want from you. We’re not saints, either of us, and the temptations put in front of you are exceptional now. I understand that.”

  Ben kissed into Nikolas’s neck, one of Ben’s favourite places, where, Ben told him, he always smelt so incredibly good. “I’m not tempted.” He shook Nikolas a little to make his point. “That’s exactly what I’m trying to say. I never have been since I met you.” Ben gave his neck a little nip. “Maybe it’s because I’m scared you’re going to kill me if I fuck someone else.”

  Nikolas laughed ruefully. “Yes. I apologise for that comment. I was…upset. What are you doing?”

  Ben tapped him reprovingly on the nose. “After all these years you still haven’t worked out what I’m doing when I do this?” Nikolas closed his eyes and swayed as Ben found and released his cock.

  Then he shook his head. “Not in here. I draw the line, Benjamin.” He stilled Ben’s hand and readjusted his clothing. “Come. We’ll talk more about this later. Perhaps things do need to change again.” Ben grunted with thwarted desire but began to walk back to the car. Nikolas caught his arm. “One thing, I’m not bored with you.”

  He clearly could have elaborated, but it wasn’t in his nature, wasn’t his inclination, to talk about things. Nikolas preferred to do; as soon as he got Ben home, he indulged his preference. He took Ben as soon as they came in through the red door, pushing him to the floor of the hallway. He kissed him all through their shower and then, in bed, gave Ben his body, and when Ben was fully sated, Nikolas rose over him again and possessed him one more time, until their flesh was almost seared with the other, melted together. Only then, when neither could have raised a flag for another round, let alone the necessary equipment, Nikolas whispered softly into the back of Ben’s neck, “I thought you were leaving me.” Sometimes, he avowed things in the dark he couldn’t say in the brighter, more critical light of day.

  Ben rolled over to face him, pulling the covers higher over their shoulders. “Do you know, sometimes I wish we’d never taken off those handcuffs. That everywhere I go you’d have to come, too, because you’d be attached to me and couldn’t get away. That’s what I feel, Nik. You’re moving away from me. Why didn’t you talk to me about Russia? Why can’t I come, too? Jesus, I sound like a whiny baby. I hate what you’ve turned me into. This obsession I have with you isn’t normal.” Nikolas stroked thoughtfully over Ben’s cheekbone with the pad of his thumb as he listened to Ben’s attempt to sound rational. Ben stilled the hand. “Do you remember what you told me once, that when you were a boy on Aeroe no one liked you because you were so wild, so different?”

  Nikolas nodded. “I was beaten continually, but it never made any difference.”

  “Why not?”

  “I don’t understand what you mean. Why should I change to suit other people’s inadequacy?”

  “Jesus, Nik, you were just a boy. How could you’ve been so sure of yourself? It’s not normal. What if they hadn’t disliked you; what if they’d loved you and what you did hurt them? Maybe no one could understand why you constantly did things that hurt them. Everyone I spoke with on Aeroe loved you more than Nikolas, but you drove them to distraction, pushed them away with your refusal to compromise. Do you see what I’m saying? There’s a fine line between love and hate, obsession and loathing.”

  “You’re saying your obsession, as you so flatteringly put it, will turn to loathing unless I take you to Russia with me.”

  “Oh, you’re the very devil when you’re in this mood.”

  “What? I’m in a very good mood now. You’re not leaving me, and I’m your obsession. Oh, and you paid for dinner, for once.”

  “It’s never going to be how I want it between us though, is it?”

  “You’d want us just like this all day and all night, wouldn’t you? Be honest, Ben.”

  Ben sighed and rolled onto his back. “Yes. I guess I would.”

  “Would you allow us to leave the bed to eat?”

  “You’d be handcuffed to me, remember? So we’d have to leave together.”

  “That would make pissing interesting.” Nikolas began to trail his fingers
around from Ben’s chest down to his belly button and up again. “I’d think I’d be very tiring and annoying to be with so much. I try to be. Perhaps I’m slipping.”

  “No, you’re as successful at that as you are in everything else; don’t worry.”

  “That’s good to know. So, Benjamin, I’m going to Russia on Friday. Please come with me.”

  “Thank you. I will.” They smiled ruefully at each other. “Seriously? Kill me?”

  Nikolas shrugged. “I’d have killed myself then, of course.”

  “Well, that makes me feel better.”

  “Perhaps what should make you feel better is the thought I would kill you, that I’m obsessed with you enough to do that. I’d rather you not live than that you live apart from me.”

  Ben narrowed his eyes. “You are seriously scary sometimes.”

  Nikolas nodded thoughtfully. “In some cultures, people eat parts of a body of a loved one so their spirit will remain with them forever. I’m not averse to eating people. I’ve had practice, after all.”

  “Oh, you’re so sick…no! They were dead first!” Ben gasped and tried to roll away as Nikolas bit him. It was only because he was laughing at Ben’s horrified expression that he lost his grip and had to let go.

  “Pity. You taste nice.”

  “I’m never sleeping soundly alongside you again.”

  “Good. I’ll be worshiped and feared. What god could ask for more?”

  Ben levered up over Nikolas, lying on him, heavy and hot. “I think maybe you aren’t a god. Sometimes, I think you’re a devil, a fallen angel too lazy to be truly demonic, so you just hover around us mortals, making mischief.”

  Nikolas liked this idea and smirked. “You know what you should always say to the devil?” He slid Ben off and turned him face down, rising hard behind him, whispering into his neck, “Get thee behind me, Satan…for he likes not the things that be of God, but the things that be of men.” He slid in once more, relishing the things of this man, picturing the idea of taking Ben and attaching him with handcuffs, perhaps a collar and leash with which he could lead him around. Radulf probably had spare ones. He liked the idea of Ben coming with him to Russia now and wondered why he’d not thought of it. He knew very well Ben was probably thinking of the Russian nightlife, of warm autumn evenings on the Black Sea, a superb hotel…He smiled privately as he pressed hard, then eased, then changed angle, thumping in.

  He couldn’t wait to see the look on Ben’s face when he discovered where they were actually going.

  CHAPTER TWO

  Tim squinted. “You’re going where?”

  Ben bent gloomily over the laptop screen with him.

  “I can’t pronounce it, and it isn’t on Google maps.”

  “Bloody hell. My granddad’s tool shed is on Google maps. That’s frightening.”

  “The gulags were all closed, so it’s probably just an abandoned hut in a million square miles of bloody forest.”

  “And he wants to scatter the ashes over this non-existent hut in the middle of nowhere?”

  “Don’t ask me! I don’t understand it either. The guy was a total psychopath. He got Nik attached to him when he was nothing more than a kid, got him to rely on him, fed him and then bloody hell…There are no similarities at all! Oh, fuck off! Stop laughing!”

  “Don’t let Nikolas hear you talking like that.”

  “I’ll swear when I bloody well like! He doesn’t control me! At least, when he’s not here he doesn’t.”

  “I have enough of the fucking with Michael. I mean…”

  It was Ben’s turn to laugh. “Are we ever going to hear the details of this relationship?”

  “Oh, I wouldn’t call it that. I’d call it many interesting things, but not relationship. So, holiday in a gulag, huh? Following on from the holiday tsunami. You two know how to have a good time.”

  Ben chuckled. “Actually, we do. Last night he…”

  Nikolas came into the kitchen, ostensibly engrossed in his newspaper. “Hello, Benjamin.”

  Ben gave himself several brownie points for not knocking over his tea. He casually took a sip. “Hello.”

  “Are you packed?”

  “Of course.”

  “Am I packed?”

  Ben ignored Tim sniggering. “Yes. I wasn’t sure who you wanted to travel as. Christian Beck?”

  “Ah, no. He might run into a little trouble in Russia if he returns. Maybe, hmm, I’ll consult Kate.” He turned to Tim. “Are you and Michael happy to look after Radulf? We’ll only be a few days at the most.”

  Tim nodded. “Do we get to borrow your DVD collection?”

  Nikolas pursed his lips, seeming to consider this. “Yes.”

  Tim grinned and winked at Ben.

  § § §

  Later, Nikolas appeared with a passport and revealed he was travelling as Nikolay Mikhalev, which was close enough to his habitual fake name to remember. It made Ben’s head ache, so he ignored it. He’d discovered after many years that overlooking most of what Nikolas said and did was his best option for a happy life. And he was happy, very happy. He and Nik were travelling together, and Nikolas had pretty much admitted, mixed in with all his usual shit, that he adored him. He just needed to hear it every so often. And, more than that, he could tell Nikolas, mixed in with all his usual shit, was happy too. Nikolas had once told him some people weren’t made for happiness. As inexperienced as Ben had been then, even he’d known this was utter crap, and anyone, given enough positive reinforcement and love, could be happy. He’d spent the last two years giving Nikolas as much love as he could, and it was beginning to pay off.

  Nikolas was chilled enough to pay no mind to the more-than-buddies-unfortunately-less-than-lovers kiss Tim gave Ben when they left. Nikolas was even relaxed enough to only make a face when Squeezy, seeing this, enthusiastically and annoying grabbed him and kissed him. If Ben’s reckoning was correct, Nikolas had now been kissed by three men in his life. He didn’t look keen to make it four.

  Once more, they were on a plane, travelling together. Ben had learnt from his first trip with Nikolas and had, this time, brought a book to read. It was very absorbing. Until it wasn’t. He eyed Nikolas speculatively. Last time they’d flown, Nikolas had been sick. He wasn’t now. He was the picture of health, lounging in his leather seat, pretending to read the Financial Times, his reading glasses almost making him appear normal. Intelligent. Clever trick.

  “Stop it, Benjamin.” Ben flashed a glance around, trying to work out what he was doing. “You’re thinking about me stopping reading and entertaining you instead. Getting up, perhaps? Walking to the bathroom, waiting until you come along? Maybe we could then pass half an hour in an activity that doesn’t involve you having to sit quietly and read your book, but might get us arrested and returned to Heathrow. How am I doing so far?”

  Ben went back to his book. Who needed bloody Nikolas Mikkelsen when you had zombies?

  After half an hour, he reckoned he knew where the book was going: humans 1, zombies 0. It was a bit predicable. He flicked his gaze over to Nikolas again. Nikolas stretched and folded away his tray table. Very deliberately, he took off his glasses and tucked them in his pocket. He rose and adjusted his cuffs, as if he were about to attend an important meeting. He gave Ben a glance, which no one else in the cabin would have read as anything particularly meaningful, then made his way to one of the bathrooms.

  The red engaged sign didn’t go on.

  Ben, flushed and hot already from the intent he’d seen in the fleeting eye contact, gave it a few moments then carefully put his book on Nikolas’s seat. He stood up, tucking his shirt in neatly, as befitted first class, and then went to fuck Nikolas Mikkelsen.

  They found themselves very amusing indeed. Neither had ever attempted this, nor actually even considered it before. At six foot four respectively, they were individually too large for aircraft toilets. Two of them silently manoeuvring and deciding positioning was fraught with difficulty and thus barely suppressed laughte
r.

  It wasn’t romantic. It was hardly even pleasurable, beyond the obvious, but it was novel and therefore good. It didn’t take long for Ben to be bent, trousers lowered, over the tiny sink, and for Nikolas to be studying their reflections in the mirror as he thrust hard into Ben’s welcoming body. He was even willing, when they were finished, to help Ben clean up so they could return in some state of decorum to their seats. Decorum was always important to Nikolas, and it was a virtue he’d tried to instil in Ben.

  When they were totally done, checked, tidy, and not grinning any more, they slid out inconspicuously one at a time. At their seats once more, Nikolas took Ben’s book and offered him the paper he’d been reading. Their hands touched briefly as they exchanged the items and their gazes met. Nikolas gave him a wry look. “You’re a very bad influence on me, Benjamin Rider.”

  § § §

  The four-hour flight to Moscow was easy, the five onwards to Bratsk dragged, but eventually they stepped off the plane in one of the most polluted cities in the world. Nikolas casually told Ben that if he ever wanted to have children, he should avoid drinking the water, and ordered a taxi to take them to their hotel. They had an onward flight the next day booked on a small regional aircraft to fly them into the heart of the taiga. Ben wasn’t exactly regretting accompanying Nikolas on this trip, but so far he wasn’t seeing the true benefits of his rash decision either.

  The hotel appeared to be under the mistaken impression it was still operating in the Soviet Union. It was concrete, utilitarian, and Nikolas paid for two rooms. He hadn’t used this subterfuge for a very long time, and that he did so now was particularly infuriating for Ben. It was also slightly worrying that the man on reception appeared to recognise Nikolas and went to fetch the manager who nodded deferentially, cowered obsequiously, and generally appeared to give Nikolas presidential treatment. They were shown to Ben’s room first, and then Nikolas carried on with the manager, and Ben was left to stare out of his filthy window onto a derelict factory. He decided to take a shower, as even travelling first class he felt grimy and tired. The shower worked but, after Nikolas’s warning, he was slightly wary of the water touching any of his favourite parts. He was leaning against the wall, letting the water drum on his back, therefore, when he felt hands on his waist, and he was penetrated. Hard. He jerked up and accidentally caught Nikolas on the nose with the back of his head, but Nikolas only grunted, pushed him back down and continued with his activity. Ben wrestled away. He stared at Nikolas naked in the small shower stall with him. “How did you get into my room?”