by Carian Cole
They start to talk about the dynamics of dying hair and I relax a little with the idea that this might really work out. Maybe there won’t be any trauma or crisis to tear my life apart again.
As I tune my bass and listen to them babble I think that I might like a black or pink stripe in Tabi’s hair, to edge her up a little. I have a feeling that she has a bit of a funky creative side to her that Nick stifled, and I’d love to bring that out of her.
***
The girls play a few songs before I have to join them so I lead Tabi to a small table that is off to the side of the stage, hidden from the audience, where she can watch us play without being exposed. She seems less nervous now and excited to be so close to everything that is going on.
“I think you photographing the girls is a great idea,” I tell her. “I think you should pursue that. I’ll get you Rio and Sydni’s contact info. Actually, I’ll talk to Asher about taking some pictures for us, too.”
“Who’s Asher again?”
“He’s my cousin, and he’s like the fucking founder of the band, so he’s supposedly our fearless leader. We don’t exactly like each other, but I think he’ll dig the picture idea.”
A smile lights up her face. “Vandal, do you know how exciting that would be? You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to really focus on my photography. It’s like a dream for me!”
Seeing her so happy is an awesome feeling. I’ve seen her photos and they are really beautiful. Her sitting behind a desk answering a phone is a waste of her talent, so if I can help her achieve her dream, I’m going to do whatever I can to make that happen for her.
“Well now it’s a reality,” I tell her. “I know a ton of models and musicians that I’m sure would love to work with you.”
She stares at me for a minute and shakes her head slightly in disbelief. “I can’t believe this can be my life. I really am happy, Vandal. I never thought I would be again.”
“Neither did I. And this is just the beginning. I’ve never believed in that meeting-the-right-person shit to change your life, but I feel like the motherfuckin’ poster child of it right now.”
She throws her head back and laughs, her eyes shining under the lights, her hair bouncing around her face. I love this chick.
I should tell her.
“What’s so funny?” We both turn at the sound of Lukas’s voice.
“Hey, man,” I say. “Glad you came.”
“This place is a zoo. The girls are really getting popular.”
“They wicked are. Be careful, if they see you they may drag you on stage too.”
He takes a sip of his beer. “No fuckin’ way. Not tonight. I’m just here to listen.” He turns to Tabi. “You havin’ fun? You look beautiful.”
“I am, and thank you. The girls seem nice, and I’m really liking their music.”
“She likes new-age music,” I tell him, nudging her with my arm..
“Nothing wrong with that.” Lukas comes to her defense. “I listen to that when I’m just chilling out.”
“See?” she says. “You might like it too, Vandal. I’ll play some nice harp music for you later that I have saved on my phone.”
“Play him some Native American flute and bring out his inner Indian,” Lukas teases.
“Yeah, you’re funny,” I muse.
Sydni has taken over the mic on stage. “We have a special guest tonight who’s going to play a few songs with us!” she yells. The crowd screams. I grab my bass and give Tabitha a quick kiss.
“Stay here with Lukas, okay? Don’t wander off. There’s a lot of drunk idiots around.”
Sydni lets out a woop. “It’s my good friend Vandal fuckin’ Valentine from Ashes & Embers!” The crowd roars as I head onto the stage and it feels great to be in front of an audience again. Sydni greets me with a big kiss on the cheek, which makes the crowd scream even more. I do a mock bow.
“We’re gonna do some covers of our favorite Ashes & Embers songs for you guys tonight!”
I start playing the intro to one of our heaviest songs and the girls come in perfectly. Sydni plays by my side in exact time with me. I gotta say, she’s good. She’s gonna do great on the A&E tour when it starts in a few weeks, and I can’t even be pissed about it. Truth is, I could tour now because I haven’t been drunk or wasted in weeks, but right now, I’d rather let things be as they are and skip the tour, and focus on getting Tabi settled into a life with me. I never thought I’d ever feel that way about a woman, but fuck it, I do.
The girls prance around the stage in their sexy clothes, flirting with me for the crowd’s enjoyment, and I just grin. I’ve never been a crowd teaser, like Storm, who loves to play with the crowd and get them involved. I just want to play my bass and get lost in the music and the movement of the sea of people. I’ve been called the quiet, brooding, dark member of A&E, but I don’t care. I like it that way.
I glance over to the side of the stage and see Jill talking to Tabitha and Lukas. Jill is like a fucking groupie on steroids that has ingratiated herself into Ashes & Embers and kinda tries to keep us organized at concerts. She’s also a big fan of Sugar Kiss. We’re all guilty of fucking her at some point, but her main obsession has always been Storm. She started drinking heavily when Storm hooked up with Evie and she looks pretty wasted tonight, even from where I’m standing. I don’t like her near Tabitha when she’s intoxicated because Jill is a ruthless bitch who likes to hurt people and cause trouble.
Sure enough, next time I look over Tabi appears upset and Lukas looks as if he is arguing with Jill. Fuck.
I try to ignore whatever is going on with them and focus on enjoying my time on stage with these girls that I’ve watched grow from a garage band to superstars. Not to mention I don’t know when I’m going to get on stage again, and I want to savor this time and not be worried about what kind of shit Jill is starting.
After a few more songs, Sydni drags me to the mic at the center of the stage. “Can I get a huge thank you for the amazing Vandal Valentine for joining us tonight?”
The audience roars and jumps up and down. I flash the peace sign and walk off stage to find Lukas sitting alone to the side.
I hand my bass to one of the roadies I recognize. “Hey man, can you put my bass away? The case is in the VIP room, next to the couch.”
“Hell yeah, great show, by the way. Can’t wait to see you guys tour.”
“Thanks,” I reply absently, and turn to Lukas. “Where’s Tabi? Did Jill say something to her?”
Lukas shifts his gaze around nervously. “I think Tabi’s in the bathroom. Jill came over here drunk and was asking her dumb questions about how she met you, and telling her you were an asshole that fucked everything that moved.”
I bang my fist on the table. “That fucking whore. What the hell?”
“She also brought up the accident—”
“What? Does she know who Tabitha is?”
“No, she was just saying you crashed into a car a few months ago and killed your daughter, a friend, and the guy driving the other car, and that you’ve been a fucked up mess ever since. Tabi got really upset and I kept trying to diffuse Jill, but you know how she is. Once she starts you can’t shut her the hell up.”
“Fucking bitch!” My mood instantly turns to fury and I want to ring Jill’s neck. I run my hand through my hair. “I need to find Tabitha. Why did you let her go?”
Lukas looks at me as if I’m crazy. “What did you want me to do? I can’t stop her from going to the bathroom.”
“Did Jill follow her? Where the hell is she?”
“I don’t know. This is what I’m talking about, Van. You can’t be lying to her about everything and live like this. You can’t keep everyone quiet. Aria paid off as many people as she could to keep quiet—obviously Jill wasn’t one of them. She’s always hanging around the band, Vandal, you know that. She’s been to some of the practice sessions and to a few gigs, so she must have been there when it was being talked about and no one gave it a second thought.
Now she’s drunk and running her mouth. This is the first time you’ve been out with Tabitha and in under an hour, you’ve got a mess on your hands. Tell her the fucking truth.”
“I know, all right? I hafta go find Tabi. I don’t want her wandering around here upset.”
I go off to look for her and find her in the hallway by the restrooms with Jill. I pick up the pace and close the space between us quickly.
“What the fuck is going on?” I demand, my eyes locked on Jill.
“I’m telling your little girlfriend all about you. Someone has to warn her.”
“Really? You think because you sucked my dick a few times that you know me?” I ask her, my voice rising. “You’re a whore and a drunk. You don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about.”
Tabi touches my arm. “Vandal, please …”
“Renee was one of my best friends. You didn’t know that did you, Alex?” Jill slurs.
My gut sinks. I had no idea that Renee was friends with Jill. Could the world get any smaller?
I lean closer to Jill. “No, I didn’t think you had any friends at all, because you’re a spiteful bitch,” I bark in her ear.
“At least I’m not a murderer.” She throws in my face.
I slam my fist against the door next to Jill’s head and she jumps. “You better shut your fucking mouth and stay out of my life and away from anyone I’m associated with. You’ve fucked your way through the band—go find some new victims. You’ll be hearing from my lawyer tomorrow about harassing us.”
I grab Tabi’s hand and drag her down the hall.
“You better run while you can, little girl!” Jill yells after us.
I’m so furious that I can’t even speak. Tabi is dead quiet as she hangs on to my hand, not saying a word as we grab my stuff and head out to the parking lot. I open the passenger side door and let her in, then go around and get in the driver’s seat. I’m afraid to ask her what she knows, and what else Jill told her.
“Are you okay?” I finally ask when we’ve driven a few miles away and I can’t stand the silence any more. She nods but still won’t speak. Shit.
“Other than that fiasco, did you enjoy the concert?”
She still says nothing.
I try a different angle. “Answer me, Tabi. I won’t be ignored by you.”
She swallows as she stares out the windshield. “Yes. I thought Sugar Kiss was great. And you …” She pauses and I glance over at her, and her eyes are closed tight. “You were amazing. So beautiful up there on the stage. Your presence is just so … intense.”
She opens her eyes again and I see a tear shimmering in the corner of her eye. “I really like the hard stuff you played with the girls, but when you played the soft acoustic songs with Lukas that night, that was just beautiful and so soulful. I loved it. It’s like there are two sides of you.” Her voice cracks a little at the end.
She knows.
Neither one of us talk during the rest of the drive to the house, and the silence is maddening to me. I want to force her to talk but I’m afraid of what she’s going to say. My mind is racing, not knowing what she’s thinking, not knowing what she has pieced together. I know whatever she says when she finally talks, and whatever she does, that I deserve it and I’ll have to accept it no matter how bad it is.
Once inside the house, she sits on the chair in the living room. Not the couch where I can sit with her, as she usually does, but the lone chair. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever sat in that chair and I know from this day forward I will hate the sight of it.
“She called you Alex,” she finally says, piercing the long, bloated silence.
“I know. I was adopted when I was five and they changed my name. They didn’t like my real name of Vandal. They thought it was strange.”
Her voice comes out strained with emotion and she stares at her hands in her lap. “Please tell me it’s all just a coincidence. Our accidents happening in the same month. The driver of the car that hit us was named Alex. The little girl crying. You losing your daughter. Us meeting in a cemetery. All your secrecy.” She looks at me with pleading eyes. “Tell me you didn’t know.”
I sit on the couch and take my leather jacket off, the pain in my chest and my head coming on hard from the mention of the little girl crying. My Katie.
“Come here,” I finally say.
“No.”
“Tabi …”
With a deep sigh she crosses the room and kneels in front of me, as she’s done a hundred times or more, and will probably never do again.
Taking a deep breath, I lift her chin so I can look into her blue eyes that are no longer as bright as they were earlier today. “It was me,” I say softly. “I was the driver of the car.”
Her entire body starts to tremble and tears spring from her eyes, spilling down her cheeks. “How long have you known?” she chokes out.
“I’ve known from the day I met you in the cemetery. Actually, before that.”
She puts her head into her hands. “The accident killed my husband, Vandal. It almost killed me. You let me sit here and cry and never said a word.”
“I know. I should have told you.”
“You made me talk about Nick. Christ, you even questioned me about sex with him. How could you do that, knowing you were part of his death? You touched me. Do you know how sick that is? Didn’t you feel any guilt at all for what you were doing?” She shakes her head and a teardrop falls to the floor and disintegrates. Just like us.
I hang my head down, knowing she’s right. “Yes, I did. You’re right, it was a horrible thing for me to do, and I’m sorry.”
“Is that all you can say? You’re sorry?” She slaps me, and I’m stunned for a moment, rubbing my cheek. After a few seconds I lift my eyes to meet hers.
“Yes. I am sorry. You don’t know how fucking sorry I am. I had no idea what I was doing. I saw you at the cemetery and then I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I hated myself for ruining so many lives, including yours. You were happy, and loved. And I ruined it.” I search for the right words but they’re not coming to me. “I thought I could give it back to you, and make it better.”
“Better for who? For you? To ease your guilt?”
“Better for both of us. To move past it; to not be alone. I wanted you to smile like I saw in your pictures. I wanted to know what it felt like to be the reason for the smile and not the agony.”
I hate myself right now more than I ever have, and that’s saying a lot. I don’t know how to fight, or explain myself. I’ve never had to before; I’ve never had a reason to. I don’t know how to make logical sense of what I do or did, because usually, there isn’t any logical sense in anything I do. I just do. There is no way for me to make her understand my behavior when I don’t even understand it myself.
She stares at me, unblinking for a long time. She looks as if she’s in shock. I know I’m losing her, but I don’t know the words to fix this. I only know how to express myself physically, and that’s not going to work with what’s happening between us right now.
“My husband is dead. What were you doing when you crashed into us? Were you drunk? Screwing around with that girl? I have to know what happened. Were you texting? Did your daughter distract you somehow? Tell me!” she demands.
“No … none of that. I fell asleep. I was exhausted and shouldn’t have been driving. I swear that’s the truth, Tabitha. I would never drink and drive with Katie, or fool around while I’m driving, or text.”
She’s staring at me, unblinking, tears still falling from her eyes. “How hard is it to stay awake while you’re driving?” she cries. “Normal people don’t get in a car when they’re exhausted and try to drive around on a fucking dark mountain road!”
“I know that, but I had to take Katie home. Her mom was being a bitch, threatening me.” I grab her hands. “Please, Tabi, listen to me …”
“Threatening you?” She yanks her hands away from me. “How? With what? What could be so bad that you would h
ave to risk the lives of other innocent people?”
All I have is the truth, but it’s not good enough. It was a mistake. One that I’m going to have to live with forever.
“She was threatening to take me to court for violating the visitation agreement,” I answer. “I was afraid she’d make me lose my visitation.”
“So, because you two idiots had a baby and weren’t mature enough to communicate, my husband had to die. That’s just great.” She stands and walks across the room, stopping to stare at a wolf statue on the mantle.
“He’s not the only one that died, Tabitha. I lost my daughter. She was only five years old.”
She turns and glares at me with a coldness I didn’t think possible of her. “Let’s not forget the whore you had with you.”
“That’s enough,” I say, standing. “I’m sorry. There is nothing else I can say. I’m sorry for all of it. I’m sorry about Nick, and about Renee, and about Katie.” I lift her chin, forcing her to look at me. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”
Fresh tears well from her red, puffy eyes. “I told you I loved you, Vandal. I meant that. You’ve never once said it to me. How do you think that feels, on top of everything else? I feel guilty, and more alone than I did before.”
“You’re not alone, Tabi. I’m still here.” I pull her into a hug, hoping I can somehow comfort her again.
“I’m so confused right now I don’t even know what to feel. I hate you for killing my husband, and I hate you for making me love you.” She twists herself away from me. “I don’t want you touching me.”
“I’m supposed to be able to touch you whenever I want. You agreed to that. Let me just hold you. Please.”
“No,” she says, backing farther away. “How is it that you can touch me but you can’t say the words I need to hear? What is wrong with you?”
If I only knew the answer to that question.
I shake my head slowly. “I don’t know,” I admit. “But whatever is wrong with me, you were making it better. That much I do know.”
The look in her eyes says it all, though. I can’t see love or desire or care there at all anymore.