“One of the three cards is right here.” I cautiously handed the card back to Stench. I knew he would be able to protect it. “Another one was destroyed at Lava Park. We think the last of the cards was at the arcade, but if it was, it was stolen before we confirmed it. But that means—”
“There’th thtill one card out there!” blurted Melonhead, seeds flying everywhere.
At exactly that moment, the bell rang. If anyone had been outside the classroom just then, he would have been trampled by seventeen stampeding junior heroes determined to find the last Professor BrainDrain card. The five of us who already had one got up to leave as well, but much more calmly. Miss Marble watched us as we headed for the door.
“Be careful with that card,” she said soberly as we filed past. “It could end up causing you an awful lot of trouble.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
TROUBLE INDEED
Keeping a close watch all around us, the gang and I headed straight for our headquarters. With something as valuable as what we were carrying, we needed to get it to safety as quickly as possible.
“Can you believe how crazy everyone is acting?” Plasma Girl said.
“Why wouldn’t they?” Tadpole responded. “We have the most valuable object ever in the entire history of the known universe.”
“I wouldn’t say it’s that valuable,” I countered.
“Of course it is,” said Stench. “You heard Miss Marble. She said it was worth a fortune.”
“She also said it could cause us a lot of trouble,” I pointed out. “So let’s be careful with it.”
As soon as we got to the tree house—I mean, headquarters—we climbed up and pulled the ladder in behind us. Taking our usual seats on the couch and chairs, we set the card down on the table between us. All of us just stared at it for at least five minutes, not saying a word. Finally, Tadpole broke the silence.
“Do you think it will be safe here?” he said.
“Safe?” Stench said, clearly insulted. “Of course it will be safe. No one’s ever gotten into this place that I didn’t want to get in.”
“You tell him, bro’.”
We all spun around, and there was Stench’s annoying older brother, Fuzz Boy. He must have come in before us and been hiding in the kitchen. I noticed that he was also now sporting a goatee that he must have created himself. As much as he’d like to think otherwise, he’s not old enough to shave yet.
But he’s definitely old enough to be irritating.
“How did you get in here?” Stench demanded as he got to his feet. “You know Dad said you’re supposed to keep out.”
“Take it easy, little whisker,” Fuzz Boy said soothingly. “I was just hiding out here until I was certain Mom had gone. She was threatening to haul me in for a haircut.”
“You really could use one, Fuzz Boy,” I spoke up. “How do you even see with so much hair hanging in your eyes?”
“The name is just Fuzz,” he said, pointing both index fingers at me and striking a pose that I think was supposed to look cool. “Drop the Boy, boy.”
“Get out of here, or I’ll drop you,” Stench hollered, clenching his fist as he stepped right up to his brother.
“Chill out, little one,” Fuzz Boy—er, excuse me, Fuzz—said as he swiftly stuck his finger under Stench’s chin as if to tickle him. The touch was slight, but it was enough to cause a small clump of hair to grow out almost three inches. “You know what they say—hair today, gone tomorrow.”
That was supposed to be the moment when Fuzz grabbed the rope ladder and made a smooth escape from the tree house. Unfortunately for him, he didn’t realize we’d pulled the ladder in. There was nothing for him to grab, and he ended up plunging almost ten feet down to the lawn below, letting out a high-pitched, girly scream in the process. It wasn’t exactly the graceful exit he had planned. Stench checked to see that he was okay, and then we all started laughing.
Unfortunately, Fuzz Boy’s unwanted presence had revealed a flaw in our plan.
“Well, so much for our supersafe headquarters,” Tadpole said snidely. “Now where do we put the card to protect it?”
“I could take it home and hide it inside some frilly outfit in my doll closet,” Plasma Girl offered—quite sensibly, in my opinion.
“I should keep it at my house,” Tadpole insisted loudly.
“It should stay with me,” Stench insisted. “I’m the strongest one and I can protect it.”
“No way, Stinky,” Tadpole said, facing Stench belligerently. He had never been mad enough to call Stench by that name before.
“Stop fighting, you two,” Plasma Girl interjected. “If anyone should take it home it’s O Boy. He’s the one who found it.”
“Keep out of it,” Tadpole and Stench turned to Plasma Girl and shouted simultaneously.
All three of them began screaming at one another. I glanced over at Hal who was silently staring off into space. I knew how he hated to see any of us fighting. So did I. Miss Marble’s final words to us were beginning to make an awful lot of sense. It was time for me to speak up.
“Everybody stop fighting,” I hollered. I wasn’t the Banshee, but I could yell when I had to.
There was an immediate silence, but before I could say anything, another voice spoke up.
“How about keeping it in the Hall of Trophies?” Halogen Boy suggested, indicating the upside-down aquarium. “It can go right next to our souvenir from the Mysterious Case of the Turning Doorknob.”
All three of them looked at Hal like he was an idiot, which really made me mad.
“Are you kidding?” Stench sputtered incredulously. “It would be right out in the open where anyone could take it!”
“What a lousy idea,” Tadpole seconded.
“I’m afraid I have to agree.” Plasma Girl shrugged.
“Actually, it’s a brilliant idea,” I said, making no attempt to hide how angry I was. We all knew Hal wasn’t as smart as the rest of us, but there was an unspoken rule that none of us would ever let him know we knew that.
Now I just had to figure out how to transform his idea into a brilliant solution.
NAME: Halogen Boy. POWER: Able to illuminate himself to the intensity of the brightest light. LIMITATIONS: Requires apple juice to achieve maximum intensity. CAREER: On call for emergencies at the lighthouse on Hero’s Cape, Halogen Boy is also a member of the Junior Leaguers. CLASSIFICATION: We predict a bright future, in at least one respect.
“How so?” Stench said. He knew he’d gone over the line.
“The best place to hide anything is in plain sight,” I informed them. “If anyone comes into the club to try and find it, they’ll assume it’s hidden and go crazy looking through every obscure spot they can think of. They’ll never expect it to be sitting right out in the open. So that’s exactly where we’ll put it. Just like Hal suggested.”
The look I gave them made it clear that they better agree.
“Uh, right,” Tadpole reluctantly concurred. “Great idea, Hal.”
“It’s brilliant,” agreed Plasma Girl, who was clearly upset that she had let herself get carried away.
“Definitely,” Stench joined in, happy at least that the card would stay in the headquarters.
Halogen Boy beamed brightly as the aquarium was lifted up and the card was set down right between the doorknob and the sardine can. Then the meeting quickly came to an end. We were all too upset about the fight. With only brief good-byes, we lowered the rope ladder and each of us headed for home.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
You’re Never Too Old
I walked home feeling low. What should have been a moment of triumph—the completion of our AI Collector Card set—had been ruined by a fight. And I still wanted to know who had stolen the second card, and why.
When I got home the house was empty. Mom never got home from work before five, but I did expect Dad to be here. I looked in the family room and the living room, but I couldn’t find any sign of him. And then I heard voices coming
from the backyard. I went out the kitchen door and peeked through the garage door window. That was where I found my father—along with a few visitors.
“I know you’re all wondering why I’ve gathered you here,” my dad said to his three guests: the Big Bouncer; the Levitator; and Stench’s dad, Windbag. “The reason is I think it’s high time we started our own team.”
“Are you nuts?” said Windbag as he pulled a big fistful of potato chips out of a bag. “We’re a bunch of middle-aged guys. What are we going to call ourselves: The Potbellied Posse?”
“Speak for yourself,” said the Levitator, watching Windbag shove the chips into his mouth. “Thermo and I have both maintained our fighting trim—and I think it’s a great idea. Remember how well we worked together when we were younger and members of the New Crusaders? We were unstoppable!”
“Exactly,” my father agreed. “There’s more talent sitting in this garage right now than in the entire League of Ultimate Goodness. If they don’t want us, I say we start a rival group and show ’em who’s the best. What do you think, BB?”
“Well,” the Big Bouncer said, “I sure don’t feel like I’m washed up. Windbag and I may look like two old fat guys, but we were this hefty when we were teenagers.”
“Speak for yourself,” huffed Windbag. “I wore a size fifty-two when I was in college, and now I’m down to a fifty-one.”
“I don’t know, though.” The Big Bouncer sighed. “Maybe these younger teams are right in thinking we’re over the hill.”
“Are you kidding?” my dad blurted out. “Remember all the stupid things we used to do when we were that age? We were idiots!”
“I remember, Hot Hands!” the Levitator said. They all started laughing, and my dad turned red. “Like the time you fell in the tank at the Seafood Hut and cooked their entire stock of lobsters!”
I tried to keep from laughing so they wouldn’t discover I was there. I didn’t want to miss any other good embarrassing stories about my dad.
“The point is”—my dad raised his voice over the chuckles—“our brains and experience more than make up for our lack of youth.”
“But how will we make any money at it?” insisted the Big Bouncer. “You know that AI and the LUG’s get all the rich endorsement deals.”
“Yeah,” the Levitator agreed. “You’re lucky that Snowflake rakes in all that dough at Corpsicle. Windbag’s junkyard may not make him rich, but he’s also got what Chrysanthemum makes from her perfume business. But BB needs his job at the Mighty Mart, and I’ve only just gotten my delivery business off the ground… . Get it? Off the ground?”
Everybody groaned and rolled their eyes as the Levitator cracked himself up.
“I’m not saying we quit our jobs—at least those of us who have jobs,” my dad insisted. “We’d start up part-time and see how things work. Who knows, maybe we’ll do well enough that we can quit our jobs—uh, I mean for those of us who haven’t already quit their jobs—and take our lives in a bold new direction!”
“Okay, sure,” Windbag said, casually reaching back and scratching his butt. “It’ll get me out of the house whenever my wife expects me to take care of things.”
“Count me in, Thermo,” the Big Bouncer said. “What have I got to lose?”
“I’ll do it, too,” added the Levitator, “but what will we call ourselves?”
“I hadn’t thought about it yet,” my dad admitted, “but we need something punchy.”
“How about the Fatalistic Four?” suggested Windbag.
“No, no, no,” my father disagreed. “We may want to add additional members.”
“We could call ourselves the League of Ultimate Geezers,” joked the Levitator.
“I sort of like the Dream Team,” recommended the Big Bouncer.
“No, that makes it sound like we spend most of our time sleeping in front of the TV,” my dad said. “We need something daring and original, something that recalls our previous experience while taking us solidly into a bold new future.”
He suddenly rose to his feet. “And I think I have it!”
I leaned closer to the door, eager to hear my dad’s brainstorm.
“We’ll call ourselves”—he paused for dramatic effect—“the New New Crusaders!”
CHAPTER NINETEEN
What Goes Up …
I tried not to think about the awful name my dad had given his new team. At school the next morning, my priority was to see that my team’s fight was behind us. I ran into Plasma Girl and Tadpole just as I reached the main entrance. Before we could even say good morning, the school bus pulled up and Halogen Boy stepped out.
“Hey, guys.” He greeted us as if nothing bad had happened yesterday. “Is the card still safe?”
“Stench isn’t here yet,” I replied, “but I’m sure it’s fine.”
“I hope he leaves it at headquarters.” Plasma Girl shuddered slightly. “I don’t want it causing us any more trouble here at school.”
“You’re right,” Tadpole agreed. “Something as awesomely valuable as that will just tempt someone if we keep showing it off. After all, at best, there’s only one other in existence.”
“Hey guyth, gueth what I got my handth on?”
Turning around, we all got sprayed with seeds as Melonhead approached us. Normally it would have annoyed us, but this time we were too stunned by what he was holding—a Professor Brain-Drain card identical to our own.
“He stole our card!” Tadpole shouted.
Before anyone could stop him, he had pounced on Melonhead, and they both fell onto the pavement. Tadpole was on top and, I believe, trying to wrap his hands around Melonhead’s neck. Of course since Melonhead’s neck is actually the widest part of his head, Tadpole wasn’t going to get anywhere with that. Nevertheless, Melonhead fought back the best way he knew how, and Tadpole found himself being pummeled with watermelon seeds to such an extent that he had no choice but to back off, shielding his face from the barrage of miniature projectiles.
“Great thethame! Thtop athaulting me,” Melon-head sputtered. “Thith ithn’t your card, for crimany thaketh!”
“What else could it be,” Tadpole hollered as me and Hal restrained him.
“There is another card, Tadpole,” Plasma Girl reminded him. “Maybe Melonhead found it.”
“Egthactly,” Melonhead said as he got back on his feet. “Ekthept I didn’t find it in a thtore. I bought it from thith weird-looking guy who offered it to me on the thtreet. I paid him twenty dollarth for it.”
“Then he must have stolen it from us!” Tadpole raged as we continued to hold him down.
Just then Stench arrived. He didn’t even have time to speak before Tadpole shouted at him.
“Someone stole our card that you were supposed to keep safe!”
“It is safe,” Stench said, looking completely confused. “I saw it less than ten minutes ago. It’s just where we left it.”
“Thee!” Melonhead sprayed a slew of seeds directly into Tadpole’s face before picking up his book bag and stomping off. In my opinion Tadpole deserved it. Before we could explain anything to Stench, the school bell rang and we all had to go inside.
Seeing Melonhead with the other card had been somewhat disturbing, but at least it was possible. What we discovered once we got inside the classroom was cataclysmically, impossibly disastrous.
“Look what I found,” the Spore wheezed as he held up a Professor Brain-Drain card already covered in mildew. “I only had to pay ten dollars for it.”
“You’re kidding! I paid twenty-five dollars for mine,” Cannonball complained, coming in right behind me. Sure enough, he had one, too.
“Mine cost me fifty dollars,” wailed Lobster Boy. “Plus my bike.”
Just then Transparent Girl came into the room. She had faded away to nothing but a pale outline, with the exception of her brand-new Professor Brain-Drain card.
“Look what I have,” she said. “I tried to get it in exchange for my twenty-six AI cards, but the man who so
ld it to me wouldn’t believe that I didn’t have any money—partly because he could see the bills in my pocket. I ended up paying everything I had—sixty dollars. But it was worth it.”
“Really?” I said, at least getting some small amusement out of this catastrophe. “Just look around.”
Transparent Girl didn’t need to be visible for me to imagine her mouth dropping open at the sight of a class full of Professor Brain-Drain cards. Puddle Boy was now displaying his as well.
“I bought three,” he informed no one in particular. “The other two are safe in collector bags.”
As usual, the room was in an uproar when Miss Marble arrived. It took all her skills to get everyone to sit down in their seats.
“If everyone doesn’t calm down, I’ll have Principal Doppelganger down here in two seconds flat,” she threatened. “Now what’s causing the commotion this morning?”
“We’ve all found Professor Brain-Drain cards,” Cannonball announced proudly. “Now we’re all rich!”
“Is that so?” Miss Marble said as she gave me a sideways glance. From the look on her face I could tell
she found this development as odd as I did.
“And just what did you pay for yours?” she asked Cannonball.
“Only twenty-five dollars,” he said proudly.
The class once again erupted as everyone began shouting out how much he or she had paid. I gave a befuddled look to Stench and Plasma Girl, both of whom just shrugged. At that moment the Banshee shrieked that she had paid a hundred dollars for her card. As I wondered where she would have even gotten a hundred dollars, I felt a telltale rigidity running through my body. We had achieved a brand-new record in bad class behavior.
“Okay, students,” Miss Marble said, rather calmly and patiently considering the situation. “Today you’re going to learn why we make children go to school. It is precisely to prevent you from doing the incredibly stupid sort of thing that you all did this morning.”
The Extraordinary Adventures of Ordinary Boy, Book One: The Hero Revealed Page 9