Board Stiff (Xanth)

by Anthony, Piers

  “You know, I had the funniest daydream,” Ease said.

  “It was real,” Astrid said. “Roxanne Roc rescued me after you sent her a thought.”

  “That, too. It was weird. I think Fornax sent me the notion, so Mitch could send it on. But I also dreamed that my dream girl was here. She--”

  “We know nothing about that,” Pewter said gruffly. “If she’s a nymph, she can visit your dreams at any time.”

  Ease let it go, satisfied that the others didn’t believe him.

  But that night, when Ease’s sleep was natural, Astrid came to Kandy. “What you did--”

  “What else could I do? I’m your friend.”

  “You certainly are! Hold your breath; I’m going to kiss you.”

  Kandy dutifully held her breath, and Astrid kissed her. Then the ordinary routine of the night commenced.

  Chapter 16:

  Hair

  In the morning they tried a sequin again, sure that it would work. It didn’t. It connected to the dress, but nothing happened.

  “We can’t be incomplete on the Event,” Tiara wailed.

  “There must be something else,” Mitch said. “This is a different kind of balk from before. Before, the sequins would not connect at all.”

  “Let’s think of reasons,” Astrid said. “Maybe we can figure it out.”

  “Maybe the dress is tired of having the same person do the sequins,” Tiara said, looking guilty.

  “Then let me try,” Ease said. He squatted and removed a sequin. The dress became translucent, showing panties, and he promptly freaked out.

  Pewter took the sequin from his hand and connected it. The dress went opaque, but the scene did not change. “It does not seem to be that.”

  Astrid snapped her fingers, and Ease revived. “Nothing happened,” he said.

  “What reason do you suggest?” Pewter asked him.

  “Maybe they got wet too often and shorted out.”

  “They worked after the Troll cave and the Island.”

  Ease shrugged. “Not that, then.”

  “Could there have been a time limit, and we are now past it?” Astrid asked.

  “Possibly, but there has been no indication of such a limit,” Pewter said.

  “How many sequins are there on the dress?” Mitch asked.

  “Fourteen,” Astrid answered.

  “And how many Events have we triggered?”

  They considered and came up with the answer: fourteen.

  “So maybe we have used up all the Events.”

  “But we have not completed our Quest!” Astrid protested.

  “I am thinking of something,” Pewter said. “But it is unkind.”

  “Out with it, machine,” Astrid said.

  “It is that our last event related in the end to the Demoness Fornax. Is it possible that she provided the dress and sequins to the Good Magician for the purpose of locating a representative, and once that was accomplished, she let the magic fade?”

  Astrid looked stricken. “It certainly is possible! The dress got in the pile by accident, we thought, but I was strangely attracted to it and insisted on wearing it. Then it took us to Alpha Centuri where Fornax was, and to Galaxy Fornax itself. Then it put me in such danger that—somebody--had to intercede by giving the Demoness what she wanted.”

  “What are you talking about?” Ease asked.

  Astrid smiled. “Your dream girl.”

  Ease shut up, thinking he was being mocked.

  “And, its purpose completed, it turned off,” Pewter said. “Does this make sense to the rest of you?”

  The others nodded. “It is the way Demons work, it seems,” Astrid said. “All that is left is the translucence magic, which may be a property of the dress rather than the sequins.”

  “So now, it seems, we are on our own,” Mitch said. “We thought the sequins were helping us with our Quest, but they had another agenda. But we still do have our mission, and should pursue it to the end. So what now?”

  “Look,” Ease said. “I don’t know or care about this business of someone making a deal with Fornax. All we know is that we have to merge the hair, and that the man who made the Virus has descendants. So why doesn’t Pewter key in his data banks and figure out where they are? We can maybe get what we need from them.”

  “I lack that information,” Pewter said.

  “Well, look anyway.”

  Pewter looked, humoring him. “Amazing! I found an overlooked data file that has the information. Those descendants live in the South Village.”

  “Maybe a Demon added it,” Tiara said. “So we’ll stop being a nuisance.”

  “That is possible,” Pewter agreed.

  “So now we trek to the South Village,” Ease said. “There’ll be an enchanted path.”

  “Connecting to the invisible bridge,” Mitch agreed. “In fact we are on it now.”

  They started walking. There were road signs at each intersection of paths, identifying where they went, and South Village was one destination. They were on their way.

  That night they camped at a legitimate campsite, one guaranteed to have no untoward elements. The girls went to one section of the local pond, suddenly shy about exposure, and the men went to another. There was a hot furnace bush to dry their washed clothing, and plenty of pies and drinks. Then they retired, Mitch and Tiara taking one cabin, the others taking another. All of them seemed far more relaxed than they had been before.

  Before the three settled down, another person arrived. This was a gruffly handsome young man with red hair and a ruddy complexion, who wore dark glasses similar to Astrid’s. “Excuse me—is there room for one more?”

  “Sure,” Ease said. “Who are you?”

  “I go by the nickname Art, because I am an aspiring artist. I like to paint pretty women. Unfortunately I tend to fall in love with them, and they don’t like that, so I can’t keep a good model long. My talent is not useful to others.”

  Ease, Pewter, and Astrid introduced themselves. “We are on a quest to save the puns,” Ease said.

  “I don’t care about puns one way or the other,” Art said. His covered gaze fixed on Astrid. “Perhaps I misheard. Did you say you were a basilisk? You certainly don’t look like one.”

  “I am one,” Astrid said. “As you would know if you got close to me. I exude poison.”

  “Oh, my!”

  “Yes, it does make social relations awkward,” she said sadly.

  “Not at all. I got a sudden mysterious notion to come here at this time. That must have been the finger of fate, because it is highly appropriate.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “You are the most beautiful woman I have seen. The kind I would love to paint.”

  Astrid shook her head. “But you wouldn’t want to fall in love with me.”

  “Ah, but I would.”

  “Would?”

  “You see, my talent is to be immune to poison.”

  Astrid seemed to glow. “Including basilisk poison?”

  “Yes.” Then he reconsidered. “Actually I would not care to exchange gazes with a basilisk. That’s not poison, that’s death, and my gaze would not do you any good either. My talent seems to concentrate in my eyes; they are cyan colored. So I am cyan eyed.”

  “Cyanide,” Pewter said, getting it.

  “Others tend to become suicidal when they see my eyes, so I keep them covered. But I don’t need my model to look at me while I’m painting her; I merely need to look at her. But the rest of your ambiance would not affect me.”

  “I find this difficult to believe.”

  “I will be delighted to prove it. Leave your glasses on, and I will leave mine; I understand why you wear them. Come embrace me and kiss me.”

  Astrid stood, but hesitated. “I do this cautiously, because my ambiance first intoxicates, then kills. It is merely somewhat slower than my glance.”

  Art crossed to her, enfolded her in his arms, and kissed her passionately. A heart floated u
p.

  He broke the kiss but not the embrace. “I can do this as long as you can.”

  “You are not suffering?”

  “I am suffering the pang of dawning love.”

  She was not convinced. “I will breathe. Smell my breath.”

  “Gladly.”

  She breathed. He inhaled her breath. “I love your perfume.”

  “Let me think about this. Paint me.” Astrid disengaged, then shrugged out of her dress. She removed her bra and panties and sat cross-legged on a cushion. Kandy was struck again by how shapely she was.

  Art produced an easel they had not noticed before, set up a canvas—ditto--and a palette with paint. He took a brush and started painting. “I am a slow worker. Let me know when you tire of the pose, lovely creature.”

  “I think I will never tire of this,” Astrid said seriously.

  Ease walked behind Art to look at the forming painting. That enabled Kandy to see it too. It was hardly started, but looked competent. The man really was an artist, and he really was immune to Astrid’s ambiance. What a coincidence that he should appear here like this.

  Then it hit her. It was no coincidence. It was Demon Xanth’s gift! Or one of them.

  Her thought was so strong that Astrid picked it up. “The gift!” she echoed. “But this is to me, not--”

  Pewter caught on. “The gift is to your friend, whose second fondest wish is for you to achieve your ambition. Possibly that is half of it, and the other half will be for herself. I sense that only one gift has been activated.”

  “What friend?” Ease asked.

  “Astrid has an anonymous friend,” Pewter said. “She is being rewarded for a favor she did the Demon Xanth.”

  “I know nothing about this,” Ease said.

  “True. But I do.”

  Art, painting, paused. “I am as baffled as Ease is. But I presume it is not my business.”

  “That depends,” Pewter said. “You will need to accompany us, because Astrid will not leave her friend. This will not interfere with your life or your painting.”

  “What friend?” Ease repeated.

  “I think I would be glad to accompany Astrid anywhere,” Art said. “In fact--”

  “I have thought about it,” Astrid said. “There is one more thing I need to know before I can make an informed decision. Please, men, may I be alone with Art for a while?”

  “What’s going on?” Ease asked querulously.

  Pewter took him by the arm. “I will explain it as we explore the premises.” They left the pavilion.

  “I still don’t get it,” Ease said outside.

  “She wants to make love to him,” Pewter said. “If he survives that, literally, she will marry him.”

  “Oh. But marriage—that’s pretty sudden.”

  “Sudden happens, in Xanth, as it did with Mexine Mermaid and Dr. Moribund, and with Frank and Maddy. Didn’t you see that heart when they kissed?”

  “Yeah,” Ease agreed. “I wish I could find someone like that.”

  “I suspect that once the quest is complete, you will. She will manifest and you will love her instantly.”

  “Yeah, sure.”

  Again Kandy wondered. Pewter was good at analyzing things, but so far they had found no way to nullify the spell on her. What was Pewter thinking of?

  They circled the premises in a leisurely manner and returned. “May we come in?” Pewter called.

  “Come in!” Astrid called back. She was sitting, still nude and almost glowing.

  But Art was lying on the floor, unconscious, still with his dark glasses on and not much else. Oh, no!

  Astrid laughed. “Do not be concerned. I did not poison him. I put him to sleep the conventional way, as a woman does with a man. It was wonderful! We will keep company for a suitable time, then marry.”

  “The conventional way?” Ease asked.

  “You will discover that in due course,” Pewter said.

  Kandy understood. After a couple made love, the man typically rolled over and went to sleep. Some women could put their men down in minutes, even seconds. Astrid had verified that she could do that without hurting her lover.

  Art woke. “Oh, sorry. I must have nodded off.”

  Astrid leaned down and kissed him. “It happens, dear.”

  Kandy was thoroughly gratified. Xanth had come through, giving her the gift she most wanted. Except for her own situation: to recover her own body while Ease remained awake. Pewter evidently believed that this would happen when the quest was complete. Yet again she wondered: how could he be sure? They still did not know how merging anyone’s hair would evoke the pun virus antidote. All she could do was hope that it happened.

  Soon.

  Art and Astrid spent the night together, of course; their love was instant and complete. That left Pewter, who hardly cared, and Ease, who was vaguely frustrated. Soon Kandy put him out of his misery, making him sleep. She regretted that she couldn’t do it the conventional way.

  She manifested, and Pewter came over to play chess. “That was a nice thing you did for Astrid,” he said.

  “You helped. You took Ease for a walk so Astrid and Art could explore their love unimpeded.”

  “I have been learning how to be human. It does not come naturally, but observing humans in action helps. But I referred to the deal you made with Fornax to save Astrid. You had not yet made up your mind about Fornax, but the moment Astrid was in trouble, you committed. That is something I have not understood, but I think I am beginning to.”

  “Friendship,” she said. “When a friend needs you, you don’t think about it, you do what you can to help.”

  “Is that a form of love?”

  “Yes.”

  “I would like to kiss you.”

  Kandy was so startled she knocked over a chess piece. “What?”

  “I see I am still too much the machine. I mean that the nuances of friendship and love are foreign to me, but I will not regard my participation in this mission as complete until I have at least a partial comprehension of them. That is one reason I elected to join the Quest.”

  “To observe live people in action?”

  “Yes. My significant other companion is Com Passion, who resembles me but with far more feeling. She tells me that if we are to have a truly satisfactory relationship I must learn some feeling too, because as a pure machine I am simply too dull. So I have been observing and trying to understand. But it is not enough. I have seen the hearts when men and women kiss, and I have seen what friends will do for friends. I doubt the others would understand, but I hope you do. I would like to experience a kiss.”

  Kandy considered, touched. “You know there will never be anything romantic between the two of us, but friendship is possible. I appreciate the way you caught up my board on the Island so that I would not be lost.”

  “I believed that Ease would need you to enable him to escape captivity. You are an effective weapon.”

  She gazed at him evenly. “Is that all?”

  His gaze dropped. “No. I have observed the friendship between you and Astrid. I would like to have a similar friendship between the two of us. That would bring me one step closer to humanity.”

  “If my board were thrown into a fire and no one else could help, what would you do?”

  “I would temporarily freeze the fire so I could fetch you out of it.”

  “But what of the virus? You can’t change spot reality without interrupting the firewall.”

  “I would have to risk it.”

  “You would risk your own extinction to save me?”

  Pewter looked embarrassed. “I would hope you do not bruit that about. I know it is not logical.”

  “It is not logical,” Kandy agreed. “It is friendship.”

  Pewter gazed at her. “I appreciate that insight. Perhaps I am learning it.”

  Kandy set Ease’s hand on her ankle and stood. “Now I will kiss you.”

  “I do not see the logic in that at this point. You have
already clarified the nature of friendship.”

  “The kiss will establish that we are not romantic but are friends.” She opened her arms.

  Pewter did not argue further. He came to her and stood somewhat awkwardly. “Should I embrace you?”

  “Yes.”

  He put his arms about her body.

  “Now bring your face close to mine.”

  He did so, still awkward.

  She took his head in her hands and brought his face to hers. “Firm your lips.” She kissed him as passionately as it was possible for a non-lover to do. She felt his android body softening in some respects and hardening in others as the kiss impacted him. Then she lifted his face away from hers. “Are there any hearts?”

  “I see none. Merely a fleeting planet or two.”

  “So we are not lovers. But we are friends.”

  He looked confused. “Yet there is such power in your kiss that I suspect that if you wished it, you could--” He broke off, shaking his head.

  “Seduce you?”

  “Yes. I know it is not logical.”

  “Logic is not part of this particular interaction. I will not seduce you because you are my friend.”

  He nodded. “The way Astrid does not use her death gaze on the other members of the Quest. Because they are her friends.”

  “Exactly. Friends use their powers for friends, not on them.”

  “That is logical,” he agreed, brightening.

  “Now let’s return to our chess game.”

  “Yes. But thank you.”

  “You’re welcome, friend.”

  “One other thing,” Pewter said as they played. “It is in the nature of spells involving a person sleeping or being transformed that they are best resolved by an interested party who does not know their nature.”

  “You are saying that Ease needs to catch on to my nature for himself, and not be prompted by anyone else, including me?”

  “Yes. Interference tends to foul them up, leading to unfortunate outcomes.”

  “And Ease is clueless in this respect.”

  “Yet if he should catch on, he should be able to abate the spell.”

  “I will be patient,” Kandy said. “Miserable, but patient.” Actually she had been proceeding on this assumption all along.

  Before the game was finished, Astrid and Art appeared. “Between bouts of whatever, I have been telling Art about my friend,” Astrid said. “I want him to meet you, Kandy.”