The Heart Between Us

by Lindsay Harrel

  Crystal fired up her computer and started working. Before she knew it, she looked up and the clock said 5:02. “Oh no.” She stood and headed down the hallway to Tony’s office. “Did you see what time it is?”

  Her boss glanced at his computer clock. “Yikes. Sorry. There was a bit of a hold up from legal on the contract so it took longer than expected. Let’s go now.”

  She couldn’t miss her dinner with Brian. “I have plans at six.”

  Tony waved his hand in the air. “Cancel. This is a big day. People have probably already left for the bar. Plus, you’ve worked for this for years. It’s time to celebrate.”

  “I haven’t seen Brian since I got home.”

  “Invite him to join us.” Her boss put his laptop into a bag and gathered his keys, wallet, and other belongings from his desk drawer. “I’ll round up any stragglers and we’ll head to Smith’s on Fifth.”

  What could she say? The entire office had made plans to celebrate her promotion. She’d have to get creative. “Give me a second to let Brian know.”

  She walked down the hallway, pulled out her cell phone, and dialed.

  “Hey, Crys. How did it go?”

  “Did you see my voice mail?”

  “No, sorry. I was out running errands and must have missed it. So?”

  “I did it. I landed the account—and got the promotion.”

  “I knew you could do it. I’m so proud of you.” He paused. “I’m dressed and about to head out the door for dinner. I want to be sure they’ve got our special table reserved like I requested. Sounds like we have even more to celebrate than you returning home.”

  She chewed her lip. He wasn’t going to like this. “I really hate to do this, but is there any way we can move it back a bit? Or reschedule for tomorrow night? My team is going out for drinks to celebrate.”

  His silence said volumes. Then, “I haven’t seen you yet and I’m on the schedule tomorrow.”

  “That’s right. I forgot.” She pulled her hair from behind her shoulder and wrapped it around her finger. “I don’t know what to do, Brian. I want to go to dinner with you but—”

  “So come to dinner with me, Crys.”

  “It’s not that simple. Everyone has already headed over to the bar.”

  “Let them celebrate without you for once.”

  “They’re celebrating me! I have to be there.” Why couldn’t he understand? But it probably looked like the old Crystal flaring up. “This isn’t like before. I’m not doing it to get ahead. I just think it’s impolite to stand everyone up.”

  “Except you’re standing me up.”

  She cringed. He was right. But before she could respond, Tony came around the corner, coat flung over his forearm and laptop bag over his shoulder. He gestured toward the elevators and mouthed, “Let’s go.”

  Crystal held up a finger. If everyone could just give her a moment to think . . .

  “You know what, Crys. It’s fine. Just go to the bar. We’ll talk when you get home.”

  Something in his tone flashed a warning to her brain, but the impatient look on Tony’s face held a warning of a different kind.

  “I’ll make it up to you tonight. I promise. And I’ll try to get out of there as quickly as possible.”

  Brian hung up without saying good-bye. For a moment Crystal just stared at her phone.

  Tony cleared his throat. “Ready?”

  One hour, max. That’s all she’d stay. Enough time to throw back a glass of wine and bond with her team. Then she’d scurry home to Brian, and she could show him this was just an anomaly. She wasn’t the same person who’d left over a month ago. She’d changed, and this scenario didn’t prove otherwise.

  “Ready.”

  Crystal followed Tony out of the office and toward Smith’s on Fifth, her heart pleading with her to go the opposite direction.

  Chapter 34

  The rain had stopped about twenty minutes ago, but Caleb had yet to release Megan’s hand. After that magical moment beneath the lights of the Eiffel Tower, he’d pointed to the top. “Let’s go up.”

  “It’s not on the list. We don’t have to.”

  “Isn’t the list done?”

  “Yes.” Megan had expected a rush of relief, but it wasn’t there—it was probably just covered by other more prominent emotions right now.

  “Then it’s time to start making your own list.”

  They’d stepped inside a store to wait out the rain. The owner passed them a few towels and they’d dried off as best they could. Then they’d hit the street again and got in line to ride the elevator to the top level of the Eiffel Tower. Once they’d ascended, Megan was struck by the brilliance of the city. She and Caleb were much higher than they’d been in London, and the city stretched as far as her eyes could see. The rain had left a crispness in the air that spoke of new beginnings.

  Megan approached the railing. Caleb came up behind her and settled his arms around her waist, resting his chin on the top of her head so she was thoroughly nestled against him. Years ago, she would have thought it the strangest thing in the world to be standing with her best friend like this. But now . . . it would feel strange not to.

  “How long, Caleb?”

  “Till what?”

  “No. I mean, how long have you wanted to do that?”

  “Since the first day we met.”

  She pulled away so he was beside her and she could see him, his arms still around her waist. “Be serious.”

  “You don’t think I am? Megan, I’ve had a crush on you since day one. But I was pretty sure you never looked at me twice in that way.” He leaned toward her and planted another kiss on her lips, soft and sweet. “I still can’t believe it’s real.”

  “Me either.” Her head felt fuzzy and her heart leaped.

  Caleb turned his attention to the horizon. “Look at that, Meg.”

  “What?” There was so much to see.

  “All of it. The flickering lights. The stark darkness higher in the sky. The way it hums and moves and breathes. The city is alive.”

  Clouds moved to reveal the full moon. It seemed bigger and more radiant from up here. “Hmm, you’re right.”

  “This is the view of the rest of your life if you want it.” Caleb’s warm breath brushed over her skin at his whispered words.

  “I do. I do want it.”

  “Then come with me to Tibet.”

  “What?” She veered back from him, the magic of their stolen moments broken. “And do what, exactly?”

  “Write the stories I’m photographing. Just like we always planned.”

  Oh, Caleb.

  She couldn’t put off telling him about her new job any longer. “I wish I could, but I committed to taking an assistant librarian position and I start later this week.” She told him the basics about the job.

  “Is that really what you want to be doing with your life?”

  He leaned in and touched her forehead with his own. Oh, she could get lost in those eyes.

  “I don’t plan to stay there forever. This job is merely a stepping stone. Plus, I made a commitment. I can’t back out now.”

  “Sure you can. Tell your boss that you’ve changed your mind.”

  He didn’t make it easy on a girl. “Even if I felt okay about doing that, I have the rest of my hospital bills to repay. That’s reality.”

  “I’m not suggesting you live like a pauper.” Caleb pulled back and frowned. “I actually get paid pretty well. All my travel expenses are paid for, and I make money on top of that. You would too.”

  “But you work freelance jobs, right? That doesn’t sound very stable. I need a job I can count on.” Sure, Mom and Dad didn’t require rent, but she’d like to be able to move out sooner than later. And she couldn’t do that till the bills were paid.

  One thing at a time. Her dreams would fall into place eventually.

  “It’s stable enough. God’s provided everything I need, Meg.”

  “That may be, but there are other fact
ors we didn’t consider when we were kids. Don’t you ever worry about traveling places where there aren’t any heart specialists? Are there even adequate hospitals in Tibet? What if you relapse while trekking across the Tibetan Plateau?”

  “I could relapse anytime, anywhere. But I don’t want to let fear dictate my actions.”

  “I don’t either.” Nothing was as terrifying as the thought of relapsing—but there was a difference between trusting God to provide and being needlessly reckless. “But it’s something to think about.”

  Caleb’s hands moved to grip the railing in front of them, the veins bulging. “Megan, I love my life, and I don’t mind the risks. But it’s always been missing something. You. We dreamed this dream together. Don’t you want it anymore? Are you really okay with just returning home and giving up?”

  Now, hold on. “I thought long and hard about whether to take this job. It’s not about giving up. It’s about being practical and taking the next step. I still plan to work on my writing on the side. Meanwhile, I’ll be paying off my bills.”

  “But you could be doing both at the same time if you came with me.”

  Something about Caleb’s proposal made her want to leap forward without thinking. Something else held her back. “I have responsibilities. I can’t back out on the job, which means I can’t go with you to Tibet.”

  This was all moving too quickly. She couldn’t think straight. “But maybe I could look at my schedule once I’m settled at the library, and we could plan a trip together, doing exactly what we always said we’d do. Little by little, we could work toward our dream.”

  “Lying in that hospital, we had nothing but time to make plans. And now that we can live them out, why wait?” She felt the pressure of his hand on her shoulder and moved to face him again. “Besides, how do I know that you won’t stand me up like you did in London the first time?”

  That comment knocked the wind from her. He’d forgiven her—but clearly, the fear of rejection hadn’t been forgotten. “I wouldn’t do that. Not now. Especially not now.” Not when things between them had changed so much.

  Behind them, a guard called out a five-minute warning. The tower would be closing soon.

  “You don’t know what you’ll do once you’ve returned to your old life.”

  She wanted to argue, but words failed to come. What if he was right?

  Her arms twitched, wanting to reach out and touch him again. She dug her hands into her jacket pockets. “I don’t know what to say. Can’t we just figure this out once I’m home?”

  He stared at her for a moment, his jaw taut. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. For years I’ve dreamed of this, of us. And now it feels like we’re at an impasse. If we leave things open-ended . . . Well, I just can’t keep the hope alive anymore, Meg.”

  Oh, how her heart hurt as it tugged her two ways: toward Caleb and adventure, and back home to responsibility . . . and safety.

  And suddenly she couldn’t stay here anymore. Her newfound courage had fled.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Be well, Caleb. Take care of yourself. I . . .” She turned and slipped into the elevator just as it was closing. It descended quickly, pulling her back down to earth. As soon as the doors opened, she shoved through the crowd and flew down the street toward her hotel.

  What was wrong with her? After all she’d conquered, why was she running?

  It was Caleb’s words: “You don’t know what you’ll do once you’ve returned to your old life.” That was the crux of it, wasn’t it? It was nothing to go on a trip and complete someone else’s bucket list, to live out someone else’s dreams—not when compared to quitting everything that was comfortable and familiar and trying to live out her own. She thought she’d come so far, but it had all been a farce, not a real test of courage at all.

  Megan started to run down the streets of Paris, zigzagging between parked cars, people, animals, whatever lay in her path. She splashed through puddles, mud bursting up to hit her pants.

  But she couldn’t outrun the fear.

  Which meant one thing. All those years ago, her mom had been right. Megan had a weak heart.

  And it had nothing to do with the one beating inside her chest. Even though it had seemed like God was urging her toward courage and strength, she didn’t have what it took to be truly brave.

  Crystal couldn’t believe it was ten o’clock and she still wasn’t home.

  She clutched her purse in her lap as she swayed with the movement of the subway train. She glanced at her watch again and groaned. They hadn’t arrived at the bar until closer to five thirty. And of course, everyone wanted to buy her a drink. Several glasses of wine later, Crystal had a throbbing headache.

  At least five times Crystal had risen to head home, worried about what Brian was thinking, but another partner would appear or her coworkers would force her to do karaoke with them or something else would prevent her from leaving.

  Once she’d finally peeled away from them all, she discovered the subway was under construction on her normal route. She’d had to detour and then was stuck on the train for nearly an hour waiting for some accident to clear. A text letting Brian know her predicament received silence in return.

  She prayed with everything in her that he’d understand.

  Finally, the subway arrived at her stop, and she jumped from her seat and flew out the doors and up the stairs as quickly as her heeled pumps would let her. From there she ran home, despite the blisters forming on her toes. When she swung the front door of her flat open, darkness met her. A meow was the only greeting she received, and then Sybil was rubbing against her legs. Maybe Brian was already asleep or not here at all. Crystal headed through the apartment’s living room and kitchen, toward the bedroom.

  And there he was. He sat nearly motionless on the edge of the bed, staring at the ground.

  “Brian?” Did he hear the fear in her voice?

  His head turned toward her, robotic, mechanical. “How was the celebration?” His tone cut her with its mixture of exhaustion, loneliness, and disappointment.

  With a wince, she flipped on the light and sank down next to him on the bed.

  He moved to the chair in the corner. The separation made her ache.

  “Brian, look at me. Please.”

  She could see the struggle play across his features, but he refused.

  “I was only going to stay an hour, but things got . . . complicated. Will you forgive me?”

  “I don’t know how.”

  “I’m sorry. Believe me, I wanted nothing more than to be here with you. But people kept arriving as I was trying to leave and . . .” The excuses sounded so lame even as they left her lips.

  He ran his hand along the back of his neck. “It doesn’t sound like you’d do anything differently.” His voice wasn’t angry. It was breaking. “You wouldn’t choose me over them.”

  “I was in a tough spot, people pulling at me from all sides.” Her own words pinched at her nerves. “That came out wrong. Of course our marriage is more important. But this was a one-time thing, Brian. I’ll do better about making our time together a priority. I promise.”

  “The thing about promises—you have to keep them occasionally, or people stop believing you.”

  Ouch. “I’m trying. I really am.”

  Brian stood and headed toward their closet. He wheeled out a suitcase. His suitcase. There were tears in his eyes.

  Whoa, what? Crystal shot to her feet. “What’s that for?”

  “I’m leaving.”

  “You can’t leave. I just got home.”

  “And what’s changed?” He stopped, dragging his hand across his jaw. “I can’t stay here, just hoping things will be different. I thought the trip would change things. After Edinburgh, I thought we’d finally gotten back a piece of us we’d lost. Sure, it wasn’t perfect, but it was progress. But you’re back and the first chance you got, you threw it all away.”

  “You’re right. I screwed up. I’m sorry.” She approache
d and tentatively touched his arm. “Give me another chance.”

  “Crys, I love you more than anything on this planet.” His voice broke, and his chest shuddered.

  His words gave her hope, made her bold. She threw her arms around him. “Then please. Stay.” Her vision clouded, and she buried her face in his strong form.

  With gentle hands, Brian unwrapped her arms. “I thought maybe, after all this, we wanted the same things. But this is not the life I want. I want to know . . .” He backhanded a tear. Oh, sweet man. How she’d wounded him. She’d take it all back if she could.

  He blew out a breath. “I want to know that my wife cares just as much as I do about what happens to this marriage.”

  Every word he said was a barb, and she no longer had a wall around her heart to stop them from piercing deep. “I do care. I swear, Brian. I will make it up to you.”

  “Actions speak louder than words. You can’t make up for it, Crys.”

  But that’s what she’d thought with Megan—and Megan had forgiven her. Brian would too. Wouldn’t he?

  “That opportunity for joy? It’s gone. Maybe forever.” He whispered those last words.

  “Forever? What do you mean?” He couldn’t be saying . . . Surely, he didn’t want a divorce.

  His jaw ticked. “I don’t know.”

  “How will things get better if you go?” She reached for his hand, but his stayed by his side. Eventually she dropped her own, then tucked it underneath her other arm.

  “I don’t know if they will.” His voice was sad. So very sad. He grabbed the handle of his suitcase and started down the hallway toward the front door.

  Crystal hurried after him. She wasn’t giving up without a fight. “Wait.”

  Brian turned, shoulder slumped.

  “You can’t leave. I won’t let you.”

  “Oh, Crys.” He shook his head. “When are you going to learn? You don’t control everything.” He turned and went through the front door, into the hallway—and maybe out of her life for good.

  And there wasn’t one thing she could do to stop him.