Take My Breath Away

by Wendy L. Wilson

  It’s ok . . . it’s ok . . . Dad’s ok, my mind replays over and over.

  Glancing over to the couch and sofa before I get to my bedroom door, I realize that Piper is still sawing logs, but Bethany is no longer on the couch where she was earlier.

  I turn the doorknob and push my door open, about ready to jump out of my skin with worry for Dad, but suddenly my legs stop working and I am paralyzed.

  My hand instantly flies across my mouth and I suck in a harsh breath of air as tears fill my eyes. Bethany’s bare body lies on top of Judd’s and they are both awake. He yells something and tosses her off.

  It’s not until that moment that it registers to me that he is in her bed. How could this happen? I was only out of the room for twenty minutes, tops. Is he still that drunk that he could have mistaken her for me?

  My mind is swirling in fifty different directions when I finally regain my sense of hearing.

  Bethany gathers a sheet over her body and instantly tries to explain what I walked in on.

  “Alyssa, I’m so sorry. He got into bed with me after you . . . one thing led to another. It all happened . . . and then . . .” she pleads, her words sounding nearly foreign and clipped off from all the thoughts clouding my head.

  Judd has already jumped to his feet, frantically pulling his jeans on like he’s escaping a burning building. His hand snaps up towards Bethany as she rambles on.

  Shaking his head, he points at her with venom in his eyes. “I did not. Don’t even . . .” He looks back to me, his face altering into sadness, pity and remorse. “God no, Alyssa . . . this is not what it looks like. I did not do anything with her.”

  I stand there staring at him not sure what to say, what to believe. This is déjà vu! No! This has definitely happened before! I look back and forth between them both, not knowing what to believe. There is no denying that he was in her bed.

  “Alyssa, you have to believe me, please. I was asleep and I just woke up and she was . . .”

  He stops talking as I look him in the eyes and then back at my bed, silently questioning Bethany’s comment about him crawling into bed with her. His brows knit together as he looks down at her bed and registers what I’m thinking. He says nothing, so I look to her for an explanation.

  “What was going on? Did you two . . .”

  Judd quickly defends himself, “Hell no, we did not! I would never do that to you!”

  The whole time Bethany refuses to look me in the eye.

  “Bethany?”

  I just need verbal validation of what is already so obvious.

  Judd looks down at the floor, puzzled as if he is trying to piece together what happened himself.

  She finally meets my eyes and the words that come out of her mouth more than shock me; they kill me.

  “I am so sorry. I didn’t mean for it to happen. It just did,” she speaks quietly, her voice laced with sorrow and immediately joined by Judd’s angry shouts.

  “You’re lying! I didn’t touch you!”

  I’ve never heard such animosity in his voice, but I know what I saw.

  Bethany goes on between his hollers, “As soon as you left, I came in to sleep in my bed of course, and Judd walked over and got in beside me. It wasn’t like me and Kyle, he initiated this, I promise. You have to believe me.”

  My eyes widen in horror and I swear someone just jabbed a blunt object through my heart. What does she mean with Kyle?

  “What are you talking about?” I say through gritted teeth.

  Judd’s face drops into the palms of his hands and he shakes his head back and forth as he mumbles something under his breath.

  “The night you walked in on me and Kyle. I assumed you always knew. I was just jealous and we both got drunk and it just happened. That was my fault, but this time is different. He got into my bed. I thought he wanted me and so . . .”

  Judd’s eyes fog over with fury. “I do not want her and I did not crawl into her bed to be with her. I was half asleep and half drunk and just got into the wrong bed,” he spits out, looking back at me with a snarl on his face.

  I fold my arms across my chest more as an act of defense for my heart rather than anger.

  “You did crawl into her bed though!” I yell as I point to Bethany’s bed.

  Judd shakes his head. “Yeah, but I . . .”

  “He got in and I had no idea . . .” Bethany starts.

  “You’re a liar! I would never touch you!” he yells with such force, that his hand trembles as he holds it out and his face is red. “Alyssa, please. If you would just listen to me . . .” he continues in a gentler, pleading tone while Bethany shouts out how sorry she is.

  My mind swims with thoughts of how nervous he would get around her when they would be alone. It makes sense!

  “Have you been screwing her this whole time? Is that what was so urgent that you needed to talk to me about last night? What, you needed to get it off your chest?”

  Even though I make the accusation, I don’t see how it could be possible. He is always with me. He would never have the time, but it still makes me ill to even consider it. How can this all be happening?

  “No! Why would you ask that?! You know I love you!” He yells out and steps forward.

  I flinch backwards, right into the door, putting my hands out to let him know to stay back. I look back to Bethany and she looks straight into my eyes.

  “We only had sex this one time. Other than that all we have done is kiss.” She confesses. “He kissed me the other night after we went shopping for costumes but that’s it.”

  A horn blares outside my bedroom window and I know it is Abby, completely in the dark and desperate to get to the hospital, but I am in shock from this new information. I let out a heavy breath and drop my mouth open; my heart has been ripped into a billion pieces today.

  “No! Wait! That is not true! She’s lying! I did not . . .”

  Bethany quickly cuts him off, “I told him that I was the one that slept with Kyle and that I would not hurt you like that again. That’s when he . . .”

  “Wait a minute! I did not . . .”

  I don’t let him finish. They kissed just the other night? He knew that she slept with Kyle and he kept that from me? What happened to him wanting to share everything with me? That is information he damn well should have shared!

  He opens his mouth to go on, but I have had enough of this.

  “Did you kiss her? Did you know that about her and Kyle? Answer me!” I raise my voice and move forward.

  “It’s not like that. Please, this is all getting blown out of proportion,” his voice softens to a painful, breathy whisper as he looks me in the eyes, but I don’t care.

  Rage boils inside of me as he accuses me of blowing this up, as if I am the one that was just caught in someone else’s bed. I think I have earned the right to blow up, after all this isn’t the first time I have been destroyed like this. I can’t do this right now! I have to get to the hospital! After quickly snatching up my purse and keys from the counter, I storm out of the room with the sounds of Judd’s feet thudding against the floor as he runs to catch me.

  “Would you wait? This is not how it looks!”

  I slam the door shut before he can make it out and race to my car, fully intent on speeding away before another hurtful word can be spoken.

  Abby sits in the passenger seat with a look of shock as she takes in the scene.

  I am on an endless time loop of walking in on guys that claim to love me, when they are cheating on me. Who in the hell has this kind of luck?! This can’t be real!

  I make it to my car and nearly rip the door off the hinges. This all seems too familiar. This is the last thing I need to be dealing with now. My focus should be on my dad. It should have been completely on my dad this whole time, not some infatuation over a guy I have known for only a short while.

  After throwing my purse into Abby’s lap, I start to climb in the car when strong arms grab me around the waist, stopping me in my tracks. It takes
me no time at all to react to his touch. What only a few short hours ago had set my heart soaring now makes me nauseous.

  “Lyssa, please let me explain. This is all wrong,” he says in my ear.

  I whirl around to escape his hold.

  “Then, explain!” I yell out loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear. I lower my voice and begin to shake as sadness seeps into every ounce of my soul. “You were in her bed; you were naked and she was naked on top of you,” I say hoarsely, trying to swallow the lump in my throat before adding the last part.

  When I walked in, I had a complete front seat to it all. The sheets were off the bed and although I couldn’t see his face, I could see other things that I wish I hadn’t.

  “I could see, Judd. You were turned on while she was on you.” He shakes his head in disagreement with all the facts that I have just throw out, but I go on, even though all I want to do is run away. “She said you two kissed the other night. She said you knew about her and Kyle.” I pause and look at him.

  I want to believe he didn’t do anything with her; I want to believe only him, but what about the other things. He never denied kissing her or knowing about Kyle and Bethany.

  His expression is panic stricken as he clutches at my waist, still shaking his head in denial, but my anger level elevates with his silence.

  “So please, explain all that!” I spit out with more spite than I thought I had in me.

  “Alyssa, I was going to. Please, you know me. Let’s just go inside and talk about this? I would never hurt you . . . I love you,” he says with so much sincerity, but yet he still has not answered my questions.

  Knowing this is not the time for this, I shake my body from his grasp and slide into the driver’s seat.

  “Save it! I refuse to be played for a fool anymore! I can’t do this!”

  Judd grabs the door to keep me from slamming it in his face as I slip the key in the ignition.

  “Goodbye, Judd. Just let me go . . .” I look into his eyes, pleadingly. I can’t . . . I just can’t do this; not now. I can’t take any more pain.

  As if reading my thoughts, his hand falls away slowly.

  “Lyssa, please . . .” is the last thing I hear before jerking it closed.

  Throwing the car in drive, I pull forward onto the road with tears flowing down my face and dampening my sweatshirt.

  “Alyssa, what happened? Did he . . .” Abby stops mid sentence and places her hand over mine.

  I can’t talk. I can barely breathe and all I can think about, besides getting to my dad as my apartment fades into the distance, is the words that are on constant repeat in my head: don’t look back, don’t look back; and this time, I don’t.

  AFTER WE GET A SHORT distance away from my apartment, I am forced to the shoulder of the road and decide to let Abby drive. She doesn’t ask any more questions, knowing I will talk when I am ready.

  I lay my head against the cold glass of the window and watch trees and cars fly by in a blur, all the while forcing down an ocean of tears that are threatening to spill over. My heart is being pulled in a million different directions.

  Pondering over Judd’s words from a while back, “Have you ever thought that maybe it is happening that way for a reason; kind of balancing the scale,” I wonder, so if falling in love with him and facing saying goodbye to Dad is a source of balancing, then what would losing them both at the same time be considered? What, a way to ultimately crush my entire soul and leave me drowning in hopelessness?

  My chest heaves up and down and a few tears escape my grasp. I can’t hold it back but I’m afraid that if I surrender to the pain now, I may never stop crying. For now, I will force my grief down deep, because I know it is just a matter of time before there will be too much pain to hold back.

  We pull into the hospital parking lot and waste no time rushing through the sliding glass doors to the front desk.

  After getting directions to Dad’s room, we skip the elevator and take the stairwell. There were too many people waiting to hop on, so we figure the stairs might be a less stressful method of transportation. Besides, neither of us can stand still at the moment.

  We take them two at a time until a sign notating the fourth floor comes into view. Once we fly through the heavy metal door into the quiet hallway, we slow our pace and continue on into a huge pod. The large circular shaped room has patients rooms arranged side-by-side around a massive nurses station located at its center. I look up ahead and see Mom standing outside of room 407, talking to a doctor.

  One glance and she runs to our side, throwing her arms around us both. Trickles of moisture hit my bare neck where she buries her face and I know this isn’t going to be good news.

  Andrea arrives shortly after us and the doctor gathers us all in a small white room with a table and chairs. He sits on one side while we all huddle closely together on the other side.

  When the doctor opens his mouth and says “I’m just going to give it to you straight . . .” I know there is no way to prepare ourselves for this.

  All four of us remain completely silent as the doctor explains Dad’s condition in medical terms that I don’t understand. Sitting in a complete daze, I barely register his words, only catching clips of the discussion.

  “ . . . due to his weakened immune system and of course, the progression of the cancer being in his bloodstream now means a simple cold can easily turn to pneumonia.” I look over at Mom, who has tears in her eyes as the doctor speaks.

  Only Mom has seen Dad so far; my sisters and I are growing more anxious to be by his side.

  “But he’ll be ok, right?” Andrea asks in a panic.

  “We are doing everything we can so I cannot speculate on anything. All I can tell you is that he is in good hands.”

  The doctor reaches across the table and squeezes Mom’s hands, which are tightly clasped together and turning bright red from the amount of pressure her hold has on them. The doctor goes on and on until all I want to do is turn and run away.

  “Only family is allowed in the ICU, one at a time, so I’ll leave you all to discuss a suitable visiting plan,” he adds before leaving the room.

  The door clicks shut and Abby immediately turns to question Mom, “What happened last night?”

  “And what did the doctor mean the cancer is in his blood stream? He talked like you already knew this.” Andrea adds about information we weren’t aware of until just now.

  Mom lets out a solemn sigh and meets each of our eyes one at a time, before speaking.

  “Ok, one thing at a time.” She blows out another sigh and I can tell she is mustering up a truck load of courage. “Your father was ok all through the afternoon, weak but in relatively good spirits. He still had a little cough, but into the evening he started having some shortness of breath. He insisted sleep would help, so I stayed up and read for a bit while he slept. An hour later, he had a severe coughing episode and he couldn’t catch his breath. I dialed 911 and an ambulance rushed him in. They have him on oxygen and he is stable now.”

  Mom looks down again, kneading her hands together as if she holds a ball of dough that she is determined to flatten. Abby’s muffled sobs reach my ears and it’s everything I can do to not cry myself.

  “And yes, honey, it has reached his bloodstream. We found out on his last visit, but we didn’t want to add more to your worry. The truth is . . .” Moms voice quivers and her eyes brim with tears. “We know your Dad may not beat this so we just want to live these last few weeks or months as normal as possible. He wants every day to be filled with life without a dark cloud looming over a time that should be filled with happiness and love. He knows death will come soon enough and with it, our tears and heartbreak, so he just wants to enjoy the time he has left. I’m sorry if you all feel we kept it from you, but would it really have changed the situation or made you face each day differently if you had known two weeks ago?” She explains it as if Dad had said it all himself and afterwards all I could do is agree with their decision.
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  Streams finally fall from Mom’s eyes and mine soon follow. We’ve had months of preparing and knowing something like this could happen and yet, we are all completely and utterly ill-equipped to deal with this now.

  My heart aches for Dad but it also hurts for Mom. I look up through foggy eyes and see her crumpled face shedding a river of tears.

  She stares blankly at her hands and I wonder to myself how many times those hands have held onto my dad’s while they were falling in love; how many times they have held on in sadness and happiness; how they held on while she was bringing each of us into this world and, at that moment, my heart shatters for them.

  I have always adored the relationship my mom and dad have. It has always been something I hope to find someday. I guess that is just the romantic in me.

  Just now, I realize that however hard this is for me and my sisters that this must be a hundred times worse for Mom. I think back to the bottom block of the tower I made when I was five and how Dad wrote Alex loves Angela like they were two sixteen year olds writing their declarations of love on the front of a notebook. They had a whole life before me and my sisters.

  I stand up and walk over to Mom, wrapping my arms around her in hopes that I can steal away some of her pain. I know I can’t, but at least she knows she will not be alone through this. And like a ghost sneaking up on me, I think of Judd and how badly I wish I had his arms around me right now. I push that thought away quickly and soon feel the warmth of Andrea and Abby’s arms surround me and Mom.

  We stay huddled together for a while before we come up with a rotation plan so that one of us will be with him at all times.

  Through the day, none of us find the courage to leave the hospital. Abby, Mom and I sit in the waiting area on the fourth floor while Andrea takes her shift in with Dad. Abby has her feet kicked up into the chair next to me frantically texting someone while Mom and me sit quietly across from each other.

  I catch Mom scrolling through her phone and every once in a while a brief smile touches her face. I assume she is looking through pictures.

  Me . . . I’m sitting quietly trying not to think; trying not to feel and trying my best to stay sane. I guess we are all dealing with it differently.