Take My Breath Away

by Wendy L. Wilson

  I turn and Bethany’s troubled eyes look back at me. Completely fed up with her conniving, vindictive and unremorseful ways, I lean against the dresser and fix her with my best glare. We may have been friends a little over a week ago, but I have no desire to have a friend like her.

  “Alyssa, I am so sorry for everything. I heard about your dad. I am so sorry for your loss!”

  For considering herself my best friend for this long, you would think she could come up with something more original than that.

  I fold my arms across my chest and wait. That’s when it dawns on me why I was so amped to get here. I’m ready to listen now, ready for answers, ready to find out the truth and ready for closure.

  I tap my foot on the floor impatiently as she sits on her bed. I’d rather her not sit there, because the last image I had from that bed was not something I would like to rekindle in my mind.

  “Listen, I feel awful for what has gone on the last two weeks. I know you are hurting and the last thing I want is to create more pain for you. I tried calling and explaining, but you never called me back.” She pauses.

  “And?!” I urge her in the snippiest tone I can bite out.

  “I made it all up!” she snaps out sharply while looking down at her fidgeting hands.

  My eyes widen and my mouth drops open.

  “You made up what?!” I spit out, moving forward towards her.

  She rises up to face me with her face twisted in panic.

  “I’m so sorry . . . you have to believe me. It just got out of hand.”

  Her words are not registering in my mind anymore. I’m still stuck on the “I made it all up” comment.

  “What did you make up, Bethany?!” I say with my lip curled in disgust and fully ready to pounce on her.

  “Ok, calm down and let me explain.”

  I take a deep breath and back off just an inch or two, folding my hands in front of me as I wait for her to explain.

  “It all started our junior year . . .”

  I blow out a huff of air and roll my eyes. Geez, how many hours of my life is she going to waste telling me what she means?

  She looks at me frustrated before going on, “I had a crush on Kyle since sophomore year and everyone in school knew it. Everyone! I swore you knew but then the end of our junior year, when I asked if you were going out with him it was like a slap in the face. I thought you were just rubbing it in. We became friends and although I didn’t even think I would like you at first, you truly became my best friend.”

  My blood is boiling in my veins the deeper she goes with this story and I wonder if she realizes what kind of a hole she is digging for herself. This isn’t saying you’re sorry! This is throwing salt on a wound! But I stay put, drumming my fingertips on my arm as she goes on.

  “I didn’t intend on sleeping with Kyle that night at the party. I really didn’t! But he went up to his bed to crash and the drunker I got, the more inviting his room looked and the more jealous I got over you.”

  She looks up at me with a look of shame and I flinch.

  I hope she feels as sleazy and cheap as she is, but she still hasn’t answered my question.

  I stand taller like an animal intent on intimidating its prey and ask her again. “What did you make up?”

  She looks back up and her eyes are watery, but I don’t feel even a hint of remorse for her.

  “The morning you got up, I was in the living room and I was still pissed about you taking them both from me.”

  My eyes widen with those words and I want to scream out that I found Judd first, like a kid claiming a toy for themselves.

  “I had been trying to flirt with him for a while. I even tried to kiss him just to see if he would kiss me back. I was just hoping that maybe he wasn’t as serious about you as it seemed.”

  I let out a shocked breath, wanting to laugh. Is she for real?

  “It’s just most guys want me, but it just didn’t seem fair that the two I wanted the most didn’t want me at all. I was just eaten up with jealousy and I am so sorry. That morning, I thought you were leaving with your sister, so I went in my room. When I saw Judd asleep in my bed, I crawled in and figured he wanted me and not you. When he started saying your name in his sleep, I just went crazy with envy and just wanted him to forget you and want me. I didn’t think. I just acted and took advantage of the situation. I know it was wrong of me now! I wanted to clear the air. Nothing ever happened. As soon as he felt me near him, he shoved me off and that is when you walked in. After you left, I convinced him that he slept with me hoping you guys would break up and he would want me. I’m so sorry.”

  Tears stream down Bethany’s face, but I don’t move; I am paralyzed from this new information.

  He never did anything with her. I punished him this whole time; I shut him out from a time when I truly needed him near, a time when my family needed him there and he never did anything wrong. She lied!

  “Alyssa, I am sooo sooo sorry! Please forgive me!” she cries out standing in front of me.

  She raises her arms as if to hug me and I instantly clinch my jaw to fight the anger and emotion that is consuming me. She lied this whole time! She was never my friend! She hurt me not once but twice!

  “Alyssa, please . . . I was honest about everything. That has to count for something, right?”

  Looking at her, my blood suddenly turns to molten lava from the rage that is building inside of me and I know I can no longer hold back.

  “Evan was right about you!” I spit out right before my fist makes contact with her left cheek.

  She falls back onto the bed, instantly covering her face with her hand as a fresh set of tears fall from her eyes. I don’t think twice and I don’t feel bad for knocking her on her ass. I grab my box and walk out.

  “I am sorry, Alyssa! I know I deserved that, but please . . .”

  I keep walking as her voice fades into the back ground. I am done with her!

  Overwhelmed with grief, yet now having a small sense of closure, I shove the last box in my back seat and get in, not wanting to go home.

  I should go to Judd’s and apologize for not trusting in him or our relationship enough, but I can’t. How do I face him and tell him that I made an assumption about him even when he swore to me that he would never have done that? He knows that I thought he cheated on me. Even Evan and Abby didn’t believe it, but I did. I believed the worst and even though, she also told him that he cheated on me, he still never believed it.

  He could have been sitting with me in the hospital that whole time. Instead of going out to my car to listen to my voicemails the morning Dad left this world, I would have been there when he took his last breath and Judd would have been, too. Her lies stole all that from me. I should have believed him.

  I pushed him away and now I have to explain to him that he did nothing wrong. How could he ever trust me again, knowing I had no faith in him?

  Now that everything is out in the open and I know all the details of that morning, I am the one that should be ashamed of my actions. I turned my back on him and walked away. He will never forgive me; how could he?

  AFTER DRIVING AND DRIVING, I reach my destination and park my car half in the grass off to the side of the single lane road. As I push my door open, I slowly take in the surroundings. The sun shines bright in the sky and a gentle breeze whips through the air, making the trees appear to be dancing. I tread carefully along the path, stepping over twigs and leaves, afraid that the sound may alert someone to my presence.

  I don’t know why I am compelled to come here, but I feel like I should explain things to her first. It’s almost as if maybe she or my dad can guide my way and possibly let me know what to do.

  Once the sounds of running water hit my ears and the sparkling path catches my eye, a part of me relaxes. I can totally see what Judd’s mom saw in this place. It does seem magical with its tranquil beauty and seclusion from everything else. It’s as if I’ve climbed through a doorway to another dimension; another
time.

  I settle myself down beside the carefully laid stones and stare down at the magnificent angel with flowing brown hair and dazzling jade eyes.

  Judd had told me that when he had gotten out of the hospital, the first thing he did was come here and tell his mom all about me. I guess now it’s my turn.

  Although I have been here on two different occasions with him, I almost feel it is necessary for me to introduce myself now. I clear my throat, a bit nervous, but mostly silly for talking to a pathway.

  “Hi . . . ummm . . . Hailey.” I remember reading her name on the headstone in the cemetery. “I’m Alyssa. I think Judd told you about me.”

  I crinkle my brows and look up to the sky wondering what the hell I am doing. Closing my eyes, I silently count to ten and push away the tears that are building behind my eyes. I feel so lost! What do I do? If only I could rewind my life, I think to myself as I take a deep, calming breath. I keep my eyes focused on the clouds above, but feel as though I am looking beyond them to something deeper that is invisible to the naked eye.

  “I don’t know where to go from here. I’m not sure what to do.”

  I sit there in the solitude of the woods, listening to the trickling of water and the rustling of leaves as I pour my heart out to Judd’s mom.

  “I’m . . .” My eyes fill with tears as I gulp down the lump in my throat. “I’m in love with your son.”

  I take a deep breath and go on, confessing the depths of my heart, “I never stopped loving him, but I didn’t have enough faith in him. I should have never questioned him.”

  I talk and cry sharing everything I feel for him with her until I have nothing left. Running my hands along the smooth, icy stones, I can’t help but wish that I could have met her. I wish death would have never come for my dad and his mom. Will there ever be a day that I don’t look at another father and daughter and think, why me? Why not them? Does it mean that our parents were needed more or does it possibly mean that we are strong enough to handle this and maybe others aren’t?

  I ponder on so many questions that I will never get the answers to and ones I shouldn’t even be asking, but I still do. After I have sat there in silence a while longer, I say my goodbyes and trail down the path towards my next destination.

  Once I hop the fence and come to the cemetery, I wind my way along the path, passing grave after grave of someone else’s loved ones. I skim over the inscriptions on each headstone, wondering what the story is behind each death; behind each life. I even brush leaves, dirt and debris from some of the older graves that look as if there is no one around to come visit them any longer. I’m in no hurry. I have nowhere to go at the moment and it brings me a sense of comfort being here; knowing Dad is so close.

  At last I reach him. His headstone has already been put in place and the mound of dirt has been weathered down, nearly level with the grass. Fresh grass seeds lie on top as if they had been sprinkled just hours before.

  I crouch down to the side of where Dad’s body rests and stare at the heart-shaped granite stone.

  “Hi, Daddy.” I burst into tears and wish so badly he was here to hug me.

  I really need to have one of our heart to heart talks. I need his advice. I need some of his words of wisdom of how I am supposed to handle this. I need to hear him tell me I am not a bad person for not trusting the one person that I say I am completely and wholly in love with.

  “I need you Daddy. I need to see you. You promised you would be with me; that you would find me. Where are you?”

  I look up to the sky as if he may appear with wings and a halo to wisp away all this crushing heartache. Gulping down breath after breath, I try to talk through the tears that rain down my face.

  “I told you I couldn’t breathe if you left me. I told you I didn’t think I could do it and I can’t. I can’t do this without you, Daddy. I need you . . . I need you here with me . . . with all of us.”

  My body shakes uncontrollably and I don’t think my sobs will ever cease. Plopping down on the ground with a thud, my hand feels its way across the cold granite. This is nothing like my dad. He was so warm and full of life.

  My eyes focus in on the writing on the stone then down to the heap of dirt above where my dad now rests. Slowly inching my hand out from my body, my fingers dig into the soft crumbly dirt and I grab a handful. Holding my palm out in front of me as if I am offering it to the sky, I slowly let each grain slip through my fingers and back to the ground. I blink my eyes rapidly and a river of tears roll down my face. Will they ever stop?

  I sit there as the minutes click by, pleading with my dad to come back for one last hug, one last ‘I love you,’ one last kiss on the cheek. He promised. He promised he would watch over me; that he would find me during every moment of my life. I can’t breathe! I told him I wouldn’t be able to breathe if he was gone and he said he would be here, but I still cannot feel him near. I lift my chin gradually to look up hoping and praying that I wake up from this nightmare. Where are you Daddy? I need you.

  And just like an answer to a prayer, I see Judd standing only steps away.

  Seconds pass as we stare at one another. I have so many things that I want to say to him, yet I can’t seem to form a single syllable.

  Words swirl around in my head, but when I finally find my voice, I can only croak out one sentence, “How did you find me?” I ask in a shaky voice.

  He walks closer; close enough to touch, but still too far away. My heart beats rapidly, longing for his arms to be around me. Raising his arm, his fingertips come to rest under my chin and he gently guides my face up so that I am looking him in the eyes. It’s there that I see so much warmth and love that it nearly melts my heart.

  Then he answers, “I’ll always find you.”

  He stops talking long enough to swipe his thumb across my cheek to wipe away all the tears. I blink my eyes and look back up at him, completely speechless.

  “I know nothing happened that morning and I know for a fact that you know that now, too,” he says with absolutely not a hint of anger or regret or blame in his voice; just love.

  My chest heaves up and down, knowing that he knows that I blamed him for something he never did.

  “I didn’t trust you. I’m so sorry I didn’t believe you. How can you still want me when I was able to believe her instead of you?” I gasp out between the tears, my heart beating a mile a minute when it really seems as though it shouldn’t be beating at all.

  His mouth lifts into a small crooked grin and I see his dimple appear.

  “Of course I want you. Didn’t you hear me? I’ll always want you. Alyssa, you take my breath away. When we are together, I have to remind myself to breathe, because you make my heart beat so fast. When we’re apart, I’m constantly trying to catch my breath, because I can’t breathe without you. You’re my life, my air, my whole world. You’re it for me, Alyssa. I love you and I can’t live without you. I’m lost without you, baby,” he says as his voice cracks.

  There is no stopping the tears now.

  I close the distance between us in an instant and wrap my arms around his neck. He lifts me up into his arms, with my feet dangling above the ground. Tear after tear streams down my face as my lips crash into his. He drinks me in and kisses me with an equal amount of love, vigor and passion that I show him. My heart pounds fiercely in my chest and I can feel his drumming along with mine.

  He sits me down and gently places his hands on my cheeks.

  “I’ll always find you, I promise . . . because you found me,” he whispers, looking deeply into my eyes.

  Quivering breaths pour from my mouth and I cry tears of happiness for the first time in the last two weeks. I know he didn’t sleep with Bethany; he was always true to me and every time I have been lost he has found me, even the first day I met him. Every time I am crumbling, he manages to be the only one that can put me back together.

  A heart to heart Dad and I had months ago rings in my ears and I swear I can hear his beautiful voice whisperin
g in the wind, “Oh honey, you will know!” And I do know. I know Judd loves me without a shadow of a doubt. He is the only one for me and I am also lost without him.

  I stretch up onto my tiptoes and kiss him with all the love I have in my heart. He kisses me back; pulling me into his arms like I am his home.

  When we finally come up for air minutes later, Judd looks at me sweetly with his gorgeous hazel eyes sparkling under the sunlight.

  “Let me take you to your mom and dad’s house?”

  I love that he said Dad as if he is still here, because I know for a fact he is. Dad told me he would be there at every breathtaking moment of my life and I know this is one of many I will have with Judd.

  “I’d like that.” I look up into his eyes and see all my love reflected back to me.

  “I’m not much of a cook, but I was hoping I could make these for you girls.”

  He reaches down to the ground and grabs a small paper sack that he was holding in his hands just moments ago. He opens the sack and I peer inside and see a box of fudge brownie mix. I cover my mouth and laugh for the first time since Dad died.

  “I think we would all really like that.” I say as a single tear slips down my cheek.

  This is not a tear of pain or loss, though; this is a tear of pure happiness and love. Judd wipes it away and grabs my waist to lead me to his truck.

  As we walk through the cemetery, I turn one last time to Dad’s grave.

  “Thank you, Daddy,” I whisper to him and I know he can hear me.

  I know because he promised me that when I’m lost, if he can’t get to me he would make sure he sent someone to find me, and he did. I smile up into the heavens and realize my dad isn’t gone at all. He’s here and he will always be here watching over all of these moments in my life that sneak up on me and take my breath away.

  Keep a look out for:

  Catch My Breath