by Ashley Pullo
Meredith: We’re eloping next weekend!
Jules: Noooooooooooooo
Meredith: Bradley bought tickets to Vegas.
“Crap,” Julia mutters.
“Everything okay?” he asks. “Not everyone’s a winner.”
“I, nineteen,” shouts Reverend Douglas.
“Meredith and Bradley are eloping to Vegas.”
“B, three.”
“But I thought you were planning a wedding for them in New York.”
“I am, but I guess they don’t want to wait.”
“N, thirty-one.”
“Hmm, this is tricky,” Theo whispers, stamping the center square on his card. “Tell Meredith you want to give her one of those bachelorette parties this week.”
Scrunching her nose, Julia asks, “Wait, how does that help?”
“G, sixty.”
“Because instead of a bachelorette party, we throw them a surprise wedding.”
“This week?” shouts Julia.
“O, seventy-one.” Reverend shrugs his shoulders, and then continues to draw bingo balls.
“Yeah, why not? With your creativity and my free time, we could pull it off. I mean, there won’t be a carousel or a live band, but I know a guy, who knows a guy, who owns a pretzel cart.”
“Are you serious?” she asks, replying to the text.
“She’s your best friend, Jules. Give her the wedding she deserves.”
Jules: Bachelorette party before you leave?
Meredith: Yaas kween! Strippers, vodka, and sex toys.
“G, forty-six.”
Looking over her shoulder and reading the texts, Theo adds, “Lucky for you, I also know a guy, who knows an Armenian, who owns a strip club in Queens.”
She playfully jabs his arm. “Stop reading my texts.”
“I, twenty-one.”
“Bingo!” shouts a tiny lady with a silver pixie haircut.
“Damn.” Theo slaps the table.
Reverend Douglas closes the bingo cage and pumps his fist in the air. “Record time! Can you bring your card up her, Mrs. Lowell?”
“I’ll have to find a venue,” Julia mumbles, chewing the inside of her cheek. “City Hall should be easy – but I should make a phone call.”
“Jules, you’re talking to yourself.”
“Bradley’s family lives on the upper west side, I think. Meredith’s parents are easy to get, and her Nana lives in a retirement home in New Jersey . . .”
“And it looks like we have a winner for game three,” Reverend Douglas announces.
Scooting back his chair back and collecting their cards, Theo gives up. “Let’s get some pizza.”
Julia thanks the ladies at the door before they climb the stairs. Once outside, she tightens her wrap around her bare shoulders, and then slides her hand under Theo’s arm.
“Do you like Harry’s?”
“Who doesn’t?” she quips.
Moving his arm around her shoulders and pulling her close, they walk the three blocks back to Gold Street. Stepping inside the warm restaurant and inhaling the fragrant aroma of basil and garlic, they approach the glass counter and place a to-go order.
Removing a pie from the stainless steel oven, the man behind the counter asks, “What can I get you?”
“What’s this?” Julia asks, pointing to a pinwheel.
“Italian sausage and broccoli rabe,” he answers.
“Do you want to split one with me?”
“Nah, I don’t really like sausage. I’ll take a grandma corner.”
“What?” Julia shakes her head.
“What?” He smiles.
“You don’t like sausage?”
Scrunching his nose in distaste, he replies, “Not really.”
Scratching her head, Julia laughs.
“What’s so funny?”
“Why did we go to a German restaurant?”
“Because you love sausage,” Theo teases.
The pizza guy behind the counter waits for Julia’s order, clearly annoyed by the weird couple occupying his time. “You want the sausage wheel or not?”
“I’ll have a grandma as well,” she orders, taking the not-so-subtle hint.
Theo pays for their slices and a bottle of Pellegrino water. Grabbing some napkins with their warm box, they find a free bench outside the restaurant. Julia opens the box, carefully removing her square slice with a napkin, and then gently pats the tiny amount of grease oozing from the fresh mozzarella.
Opening the bottle of water and taking a quick swig, Theo teases, “You know, you’re removing the best part.”
“Oh, I love the grease. But since we’re on our first date, I’ll refrain from eating like a pig,” she banters, as she removes the dried basil leaf.
Taking a bite of his crispy corner square, and then wiping his mouth, Theo says, “You know what? This is probably the longest date I’ve been on. Well, if I don’t count the nights that led to breakfast.” He winks.
“You don’t date much, huh?” She takes a tiny bite, savoring the spicy flavor of the sauce.
“Can I be honest?” asks Theo.
“Always.”
“I’ve found that single women of a certain age just want sex – dates are optional.” Theo takes another bite of pizza and shrugs his shoulders.
“And these single women that just want sex, how much do you pay for them?”
“Ha ha, very funny. You know what I mean, Jules.”
“Yeah, I know what it means to want intimacy without all the drama, but I need more.”
Resting back on the bench and stroking his stubbly chin, Theo narrows his eyes and prods, “So if you created an online dating profile -”
“I would never do that,” she interrupts.
“Just humor me.”
“Fine. What dating site?”
“Um, well, Tinder is for hookups, and Craiglist is a forum for kinky murderers selling couches . . . for our purposes, let’s use Hinge.” Adding air quotes, Theo inquires, “What are you looking for in a relationship?”
“What every woman is looking for – tall, dark, and handsome,” she answers immediately.
“Hey!” Theo ruffles his blond hair.
Taking a drink from the water bottle, and then placing it between them on the bench, Julia says, “What I really want is devotion. Trust for sure. Affection is nice. Friendship is a must. And great sex, the sex is important.”
“See?”
“But I also want a second date for a change!”
Nodding with a wicked smile that stretches wide across his face, Theo says, “Okay. I’m all in.”
Clicking her tongue, Julia mutters, “Sneaky bastard. You could’ve just asked me what I want.”
“I had to be sure.”
“Sure of what?”
“That you wanted me.”
Finishing their pizza and continuing with the flirtatious banter, they leave the bench and cross the street.
“What should we do now?” asks Theo.
“We could go for drinks in the Seaport, or watch a movie at my place?”
“I vote your place.” Theo wraps his arm around Julia and pulls her close. “And I have the perfect suggestion.”
“Let me guess . . . Idiocracy?”
“Yeah. Do you have any snacks?”
“We just ate.”
“We had pizza – I need candy.”
“Oh, you’re in luck! I just bought a bag of Halloween Kit Kats.”
“That’ll do.”
As they enter their building wrapped in each other’s arms, Mallory from the co-op board exits the elevator with her corgi, Pumpernickel.
“Oh my, look at you two lovebirds,” she sneers.
Allowing their arms to fall to their sides, Theo and Julia walk past Mallory and directly into the closing elevator.
“Good night, Mallory,” Theo says as he latches the cage door.
“She wants me on the co-op board.”
“She just wants me.”
“Really? Like she comes on to you?” she asks, suddenly feeling protective.
Arriving on the third floor, Theo opens the cage door and allows Julia to step out. “She came to my apartment a few years ago wearing a coat and nothing else.”
Disgusted, Julia shudders. “And then what happened?”
“Well, gee, Jules, I think you know.”
“Right. Gross.”
Leaning against Julia’s door with an impish grin, he replies, “It was just sex. And I probably faked it – oh, oh, oh!”
“I need a drink to shake that image from my head,” she teases.
“Are you picturing me naked?”
Yes. Unlocking her door, she asks, “Are you coming in?”
“I want to grab the movie from my apartment and slip into something a little more comfortable,” he purrs while licking his lips. “Pour me a drink?” He winks before turning his back and unlocking his door.
Hurrying inside, Julia unzips her boots and tosses them on the floor by the couch. She scurries to her bedroom, throwing her wrap in the closet and removing her sweater dress. Yanking off her tights, she falls to the bed, wrestling with the twisted Lycra around her ankles while shouting, “Holy shit!” Lightheaded, she stands from the bed in her matching bra and underwear, and then darts to the bathroom.
She brushes her teeth, gargles mouthwash, combs her hair, and the reapplies a neutral lip stain as Theo knocks on the door. “Fuck!” she mumbles, dashing back to her bedroom closet. She removes a loose, low-cut, ivory T-shirt, and a pair of black skinny jeans. Quickly putting on her clothes and running to the door, she takes a deep breath before letting Theo inside.
“Hey,” she pants.
Theo, dressed in sweat shorts and a black T-shirt, smiles cockily as he pushes her into the apartment. “Did I tell you how much I like this bra?” He slides his finger beneath the lacey strap and pops it gently against her skin. Moving his hand to her neck and cupping her chin, he takes her bottom lip between his and sucks, rendering her motionless as he satisfies his hunger. Nipping her lip, he presses her against the wall and then moves his mouth to her neck.
Hot and tingly, breathless and sated, Julia pulls away from Theo’s grasp as Fletch squeezes between their legs. “Go away!” she commands.
“Aw, he’s jealous.” Theo bends at the knees and scratches the top of Fletch’s head. “You wanna kiss from Theo?” he asks, inviting Fletch to lick his cheek.
“I see how it is. You just want me for my dog.”
Smiling, Theo stands to say, “Just think how funny that joke would be if you had a cat.”
Julia tilts her head and scrunches her nose. “Huh?”
Pinning her beneath him, he whispers in her ear, “Pussy cat. Meow.”
Snickering, she replies, “Did you bring the movie?”
“Of course.” He pulls the Blue-ray from the waistband of his shorts and tosses it toward the couch. “Did you pour me a drink?” Releasing his hold and peeling Julia from the wall, he takes her hand and leads her to the dinette. “And don’t forget about those Kit Kats you promised,” he adds, slapping her ass.
Leaving Theo to snoop in her pile of mail, Julia and Fletch head to the tiny kitchen. “Don’t ruin this, you little cockblocker,” she hushes, tossing him a peanut butter nibbler.
“What, Jules?” Theo shouts.
“Oh, um, how do you take your gin?”
“In a glass,” he replies.
“Ha, ha.” Rolling her eyes, she removes two highball glasses from the cabinet. Filling them with ice, she then pours a few ounces of gin in each, and then tops them with tonic water. Fresh out of limes, she cuts an orange wedge and places a sliver on each glass. She grabs a bag of orange Kit Kats from the refrigerator and places it under her arm, while taking a glass in each hand and walking back to the living room.
Opening a decorative jar from her Shelter Island basket, Theo asks, “What’s wild honey?”
“I don’t know. It was a gift.”
Theo dips his index finger in the amber nectar, slowly sucking it off as he moves closer to Julia. “Not bad.” Teasing her, he drops two fingers in the jar, meticulously coating them with just enough sweetness to drive her mad. “Here, try it,” he orders.
Obeying, she takes his fingers in her mouth, first the fingertips, and then the full length, savoring the taste of his delicate skin. Staring into his playful eyes, she draws every last drop of sticky sap from his fingers, as they slide from her mouth to rest on her lips.
Theo whimpers, gesturing with the idea to pour the entire jar all over his body. “And that’s why it’s called wild honey.”
“Uh, huh,” she utters, his fingers tapping her lip.
Screwing the lid back on the jar and returning it to the basket, he reads the labels to the other items. “Peach compote, blackberry jam, and lavender honey. Well, that’s some kinky shit, huh?”
“All food can be scandalous if you use it right,” she toys.
Smiling, he leads Julia to the sofa and instructs her to sit down. Theo opens the movie case and inserts it into the Blue-ray player. Turning up the volume, he grins victoriously before sitting down in the middle of the sofa. With arms stretched out on both sides, he asks, “Ready?”
Placing the drinks on the coffee table, and tossing the bag of Kit Kats in his lap, Julia replies, “Heck, yeah.” She shuts off the floor lamp and then rests her head on his forearm.
“Oh, you will. Come here, Jules,” he instructs, pulling her closer into his side.
As she cuddles into him, her hand casually falls to the crease of his shorts. He’s hard, she thinks, allowing her fingers to follow the contour of his erection.
Theo sinks into the sofa and closes his eyes.
“I love Dax Shepard,” Julia says, casually moving the bag of Kit Kats to the coffee table.
Delicately kissing the top of her head, Theo pulls her toward his lap while squeezing her thigh. Following his lead, Julia climbs on top, digging her knees into the sofa cushions and bracing her hands on his shoulders. Watching as her mouth twitches in anticipation, and her nipples peak against her thin shirt, Theo bites his bottom lip to conceal his groan. Looking into each other’s eyes with parted mouths, they grind against each other like two horny teenagers experiencing the sensation of a dry hump for the very first time.
“Take off your shirt before I rip it off with my teeth,” demands Theo, his tone wild and hurried.
Executing the seductive moves of a sultry burlesque dancer, Julia slowly pulls the T-shirt over her head and drops it to the floor.
With hooded eyes and a hungry growl, he says, “Damn, girl.”
Returning her hands to his hard stomach, Julia gathers the soft cotton and inches the shirt above his chest. Theo raises his back from the sofa, allowing her to yank the shirt over his head in a single tug. His hands move to her waist, and his thumbs stroke her soft skin, as she sinks deeper into his hold.
Leaning forward, Julia’s hot breath grazes his ear, sending chills along his forearms. She kisses his cheek, she kisses his nose, and then glides her tongue over his mouth. In response, his hands move to her lower back. And as she sucks on his bottom lip, he slides his hands down the back of her jeans and grabs her ass. Returning her kiss but taking control, Theo plunges his tongue deep inside her mouth as he pumps his sensitive erection against her thigh.
Exploring every curve of her body in the soft glow of his favorite movie, Theo flips Julia onto her back and spreads her legs. To prevent himself from crushing her, he pushes himself up with his arms and hovers patiently. But Julia wants to feel his weight, so she presses her knees against his hips and seizes him with all her strength. They kiss . . . they moan . . . they bite . . . and they groan . . . and during the scene with President Camacho’s patriotic speech, they giggle. Playful nips on their necks lead to more kissing, and their innocent touches advance to a full-on assault.
With his fingers inside her underwear, and his tongue between her breasts, Theo lifts his head and sputt
ers, “Jules?”
Opening her eyes, wild with lust, she pants, “Let’s go to my bed.”
“Oh, God, I want to. And it literally hurts my cock to move.” Getting up from the couch and adjusting his boner, Theo places two fingers above his lip and breathes in her scent. “But I have a conference call with the Japanese bank in five minutes.”
“Why didn’t you say something earlier?” she bursts.
Picking up his shirt from the floor and sliding it over his head, Theo replies, “Because I really want to fuck you.”
“Then stay.”
“I have to take this call, Jules.” Kissing her forehead, he utters, “I’ll be back in thirty minutes.”
Fletch follows Theo to the door, excited that he might get a trip to the roof, but just like Julia, he’s left disappointed when the door closes. Julia grabs her shirt from the floor and then drinks both gin and tonics. Digging out the remote from between the cushions, she stops the movie and powers off the television, never knowing what becomes of Joe Bauers and the rest of the idiot crew.
Inside her tiny bedroom, she removes her bra and jeans, and then puts on a thermal T-shirt. She twists her hair into a bun, shrieking when the enamel dog ears of her new ring yank out a few strands. Sliding the ring off her finger, she holds it in her palm before tucking it inside her jewelry box.
Am I cursed?
Picking up her phone from the bedside table, she sends Meredith a text.
Jules: Theo just left.
Meredith: Cut or uncut?
Jules: Definitely cut. Heavy make out sesh, and then he ditched me for a conference call.
Meredith: At midnight?
Jules: Japan.
Julia sits on her bed, patting the space next to her for Fletch to join her. He jumps on the bed, nudges her arm with his wet nose, and then curls into a ball.
Meredith: Um, well, he’s dedicated, right?
Jules: I guess. God, I could scream!
Meredith: Calm down – why rush things? It’s taken you like 2 years to even get to this point.
Jules: I really like him.
Meredith: And I’m sure he likes you. Is he coming back?
Jules: I guess. I don’t know. Do they ever?
Meredith: Stop being a coward! Get in your sexiest lingerie, pinch your nipples, and wait for him to come screw your brains out.