Red Desert - Point of No Return

by Rita Carla Francesca Monticelli

  All at once I don’t want to die anymore. It seemed to me I had no other hope, apart from this one. I thought I felt ready to risk everything, even my life. Now that my death has become something real and I know I have a long time ahead of me just waiting for its arrival, I feel terrified.

  I’m scared.

  ‘Think, Anna.’

  It took thirty-three hours for me to come this far. Seventeen are too few to go back. It’s true. But, when the air in the rover runs out, I can wear my suit. So I have twenty-four hours in all. I could drive all night across the plains, without stopping for sleep, unlike I did during the outward voyage. I might make it, maybe.

  No. I shake my head. I’m already tired. I must sleep for a few hours at least. And anyway I would have to drive very slowly in the dark.

  I linger on, admiring nature’s spectacle which opens before my eyes. No human being has ever set foot here. Only now do I realise how lucky I am. In the afternoon light the red rocks seem crossed by brilliant, yellow veins. If only Michelle could have seen all this. She would be overjoyed. She would tell me the name of each single mineral, even if sometimes I suspected she cheated. Actually I don’t know much about geology; I would’ve believed every word. She said there was something wonderfully poetic in lifeless matter. Its perfection, its complete respect of the laws of nature, the order that characterised it, all that was a sign to her of a greater force which ruled it.

  It’s odd, but I think exactly the same about life.

  How could she kill herself that way? What if Hassan was really involved in her death … Hassan! Twenty-four hours isn’t enough for me to return to Station Alpha, but it is enough for me to get closer to it. He could meet me halfway in his rover, bringing new filters for my life support. I could contact him by satellite.

  Why haven’t I thought about that before? He couldn’t refuse to come; he couldn’t justify that with Houston. I would definitely prefer to risk staying with him than dying here without having found anything.

  I would’ve said the opposite until yesterday.

  But is there enough energy in the rover’s batteries? Travelling by night, the panels on the roof can’t recharge them, and the remaining fuel won’t last for such a long journey.

  I whirl. I cannot stay here and laze around. I must get back to the rover and check the remaining driving range. If there is even the slightest hope of making it, I’ll leave immediately northwards. I’ve decided it’s too early to die.

  Then a question creeps into my mind, and my new certainties are shaken. Am I avoiding going the whole hog? Am I escaping again?

  Before I can find an answer, the ground fails beneath my feet. The rocky ridge where I’m standing is detaching. I’m falling. I stretch out my arms, but my hands slip on the stone as it crumbles.

  Slowly at first, then faster and faster, my body rolls. I feel my arms, my legs, and my helmet hitting the rock. Down, and down again. It hurts, I can’t even scream. I just want it to stop. I want to stop.

  I feel the last impact and I’m still.

  “Dennis, are you there?” I said, entering his office without knocking.

  The room had been almost completely emptied, apart from his desk. There were some crates scattered on the floor. Within them all the personal objects Dennis couldn’t take with him to Mars, but which he should get rid of anyway. After our departure his office would go to someone else.

  When I entered, given the chaos, I didn’t notice him immediately. Then I spotted him, slumped on the sofa. Hassan.

  “Hey, hi,” I greeted him, puzzled. “What are you doing here?”

  I’d never liked Hassan Qabbani, since the first training day. I considered him rude and his look gave me the creeps. In that moment, while seeing him so quiet with that arrogant expression, I couldn’t help comparing him to my father. The bloody image of the latter re-emerged in my mind for a second, leaving me breathless.

  “I’m reviewing with Dennis all the bureaucratic papers regarding me,” he replied without greeting me. He remained comfortably seated and looked me up and down from head to toe.

  I couldn’t understand what he was talking about. In the end, in spite of his talents and his huge experience, he hadn’t been recruited. Liang had been preferred instead, since he had worked at NASA for much longer.

  “I thought he just took care of the Isis mission, he must have passed all other tasks to his successor at vice-direction by now.” I had the feeling I was missing something.

  “Indeed,” he said with a half-smile. His eyes lingered on my body. “Oh!” he added, as if he had just realised the situation. “You don’t know yet.”

  “Know what?” I exclaimed. I felt a slight sense of unease, which I decided not to ponder on.

  “Liang has opted out, so I’m replacing him.”

  The news petrified me. He noticed my reaction and seemed quite amused by it.

  “It seems he had some family issues. I dunno what exactly.” From the way he was speaking, he gave the impression that he was disinterested in the whole matter. In the mission, I mean. As if joining it or not wouldn’t make such a difference. He didn’t seem thrilled about the news, or even worried. To tell the truth, he had the appearance of someone who was playing a joke. For an instant I thought he was making fun of me. Or perhaps I hoped he was.

  “Where is he?” I asked, pointing at the desk. I was talking about Dennis.

  “He went to the toilet. Oh, here he is.”

  At that very moment Dennis came out from his private bathroom door.

  “Hi, Anna!” He welcomed me with a wide smile. “How was your journey?”

  “What’s this about Liang opting out?” I asked unceremoniously.

  Dennis glanced at Hassan with disapproval and then turned to me. He had lost his joviality. “We’re going to officially communicate the news at the two p.m. briefing. Anyway, yes, it’s really true.”

  “I can’t believe that,” I commented under my breath, still bewildered by the news.

  “Did you need something in particular?” Dennis was busy and seemed anxious to get rid of me. And I didn’t like that at all.

  “Actually yes,” I exclaimed, resolute. “I urgently need to talk to you in private. Now.”

  He knew me well enough to understand I wouldn’t leave before we had a face to face conversation. Resigned, he sighed and turned to Hassan. “Could you excuse us for a minute? I’ll call you back.”

  The latter smiled with politeness. “Sure.” He stood up. While passing he patted me on the back. “See you later,” he said to Dennis, but looking at me.

  I kept cool, until I heard the door closing, then I exploded. “What the hell happened to Liang? Are you telling me we’re leaving with that guy?”

  Dennis snorted. He was aware that, for some reason, there was bad blood between me and Hassan, and had been expecting my reaction.

  “He is Liang’s official substitute.” It was clear he wanted to end the discussion.

  I tried to calm down. He was right. I knew the rankings.

  “Moreover, besides being a surgeon, Hassan is also an experienced pilot, much more experienced than Robert. He will be the second in command. His addition to the team is good news. We gain in competence, even though he’s got less length of service than Liang.”

  “Yes, but,” I interrupted him. I was confused. “What happened to Liang? Why has he opted out? Is he ill? I didn’t even know you could opt out.”

  “He is very well, I dare say,” he exclaimed with a laugh. “He met a woman, a couple of months ago, and now he says she’s the love of his life, so he decided not to leave.”

  I was dismayed. A professional like Liang, who had dedicated all his working life to NASA and who could finally participate in the most important space mission ever, had he really decided to put his dreams aside for a woman he met two months earlier? It was nonsense.

  “But has he realised that just now, when we’re about to leave?” It wasn’t really a question. Mostly, I just couldn’t
comprehend such a situation.

  “He’d already informed me during the past week. Luckily, Hassan is prepared. He just has to review a few things, but I don’t believe there will be any delay in the launch. At any rate he hasn’t waited until the last—”

  “But he signed a contract,” I insisted, preventing him from completing his sentence. “We all signed it. You cannot withdraw like this!” I tried to appear indignant about the unreliability of my colleague, but the point was that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life side by side with Hassan. With someone who reminded me of my father. I wanted to leave my past behind. How could I do that with him in front of me every day? It was intolerable.

  “If you had carefully read the contract, you’d know that isn’t really so,” Dennis replied with a serious note. My complaints were clearly beginning to annoy him. “This isn’t a stroll in space, or a short stay on the lunar station. We’re talking about moving forever to another planet. You need to be really sure that you wanna do it. If someone’s got the slightest doubt, they should stay home. That’s why the contract includes a waiver clause that can be applied any time.”

  I looked at him, perplexed. It had never occurred to me that you could change your mind. How can you withdraw from such a commitment? It was something I didn’t believe in at all, but, while Dennis was speaking, I suddenly caught all its logicality.

  “If you don’t need anything else, I have a lot to do,” he said, breaking my thoughts.

  I watched him for a moment, then I realised again where I was. I saw once more the empty shelves, the open crates bulging with stuff. “Sorry,” I murmured, with a hint of shame for the scene I had just made. And, without adding a word, I turned back and went out to the corridor.

  I started wandering around.

  Liang had abandoned the mission without hesitation for a woman he met two months earlier. I had been with Jan for three years, but I had never seriously thought about abstaining from going to Mars. I had never considered that as a real possibility.

  Could it be that it was really easier for me to leave than to stay with him?

  It was then that I understood for the first time that Jan was right about me.

  I reached into my jacket pocket and took out my mobile phone. My heart was racing. I might still do it, yes. It wasn’t too late. With trembling hands, I searched the contacts in the phonebook, until I reached his name. I tapped it, and his photograph was displayed. I had taken that one the first evening we went out together. He was wearing a fine, elegant suit and had a smile of pure joy printed on his face. I smiled as well, while recalling the moment.

  I tapped the green icon.

  There was silence for a second while the number was dialled. I waited with bated breath, fearing the voice that would tell me that the user was unreachable. And what if he had changed his number? But then I heard it ringing. An answering click followed.

  He had surely seen that it was me calling and I was afraid he might hang up. Without waiting for him to talk, I breathed in, anticipating his voice.

  “Allô?” a female voice said.

  The words died in my mouth. I knew that voice. It was Milja, his wife.

  “Who’s that?” the woman insisted, in French.

  I ended the communication and stood there, staring at the phone, while my heart broke into a thousand pieces.

  I don’t know how long has passed since I fell. I wake abruptly from a dream. The sweet melody that lulled me has disappeared. As I open my eyes, I’m disoriented. I see a darkened sky crossed by some disturbance, while the data displayed by the augmented reality blink so quickly I can’t focus on them. With a great effort I put my right hand to my helmet and deactivate it.

  I’m alive, I’m breathing. My suit must be still intact. I can’t say the same about my body. I’m full of aches and pains; this is perhaps a good sign. If I didn’t feel anything, it’d mean I’m paralysed.

  I turn my head to try and understand where I am. I’m lying on my back, on a horizontal surface. I’m at the bottom of the steep slope I rolled down. There are stones all around me.

  Maybe I leaned over too much and the terrain collapsed. At least this way it became less steep and slowed me down. I can see the point from which I’ve fallen. It must be fifty metres. If I had been on Earth, I would surely have died. The reduced gravity of Mars has saved me.

  Perhaps I can climb back up. The rock face has plenty of handholds. I can make it.

  I push myself up into a sitting position. I’m on a small ledge on the cliff. At few metres away to my left is another precipice. I must move with caution.

  I bend sideways, trying to get to my knees so I can stand up, but immediately realise something is not right. As soon as I try to move my legs, I feel a stabbing pain in my right ankle. I manage to get up by putting all my weight onto my left foot. I try to place my right foot down, but it gives way and I fall to the ground again, screaming.

  I cannot stand up. I’m stuck.

  This means I can’t get back to the rover, so I won’t be able to drive all night trying to reach Station Alpha. I’ll die here.

  I thought that, when this moment arrived, I’d be scared, but I was wrong. The awareness of the absolute certainty of my death somehow calms me down. There’s no more anxiety, because there’s nothing I can do.

  I’m immersed in a deafening silence, only broken by the noise of my breath and the beating of my heart, resounding in my ears. The day is coming to an end. The sun is approaching the horizon. It will set in a little while together with its warmth. I might still have four hours of air, but the night will arrive soon. I won’t die of asphyxiation, but of hypothermia. It’s in some way even better. It should be a sweeter death.

  I try to resist the temptation of letting my regrets defeat me. I might wonder why I’ve ended up here, but I’m exactly where I desire to be. Honestly there isn’t another place in the universe where I’d like to spend the last hours of my life. I haven’t succeeded in getting what I wanted, but I know I’ve tried until the end, in spite of my mistakes.

  I linger to admire the sky that’s turning from salmon to a dirty, pale blue, as the sun drops into the canyon. Its light has become so feeble that I can stare at it without being blinded. I begin to distinguish some stars eastwards. Deimos, the farthest satellite, shines a little bigger than a star just over my head, whilst Phobos seems to come greeting it.

  As the solar disk crosses the irregular horizon of Valles Marineris, there it is, a little higher and westward. An azure star sparkling in the twilight. Earth.

  All of a sudden I’m crying and unable to control myself. I won’t see it anymore. I won’t return home anymore. I’m so sad, and against my own will, I regret everything. I regret having put this dream of exploring Mars before my own happiness. Not having stopped to think, not for an instant, about the many other choices I might have made. To have wasted my life gnawed by the hatred of my father and the desire to show the whole world I wasn’t a mistake, like he considered me to be. To have escaped every single time I faced something I really cared for, afraid of getting hurt.

  Warm tears roll down my face, while my body shakes. Only a pale westward afterglow is what remains of the sun, which barely lights the canyon, making the details more and more undefined.

  Crawling on my knees and my hands, I drag myself to the edge of the rock. I could let myself fall and die in a moment, without having to suffer the agony of cold and pain. But I don’t even have the strength to do it.

  I lean against a boulder and gaze at Earth once more. I wonder if I’ll die before it disappears from my sight.

  Slowly I lose the perception of my body. It seems to me I can see Jan seated beside me. He holds my hand and whispers words I can’t understand. Or perhaps it’s the wind.

  “Look at that light,” his voice says in my head.

  I try to follow the direction he’s pointing in. There’s a light down there in the middle of the darkness, in the valley. It’s getting closer and will soon
surround me.

  My eyelids become heavy. It’s time to let myself go.

  An unbearable heat. The seatbelts were holding me so tight under the acceleration thrust that I could barely breathe. Every part of the Isis was vibrating, causing a deep rumble. She seemed about to break.

  I could see Dennis’s seat in front of me, with his helmet sticking out. Beyond were the spacecraft’s controls, useless at that very moment.

  Then the sky became clear and the lander stabilised.

  “Okay, we’ve entered the atmosphere and we are still in one piece,” Dennis exclaimed. The intonation of his voice revealed an evident satisfaction.

  His announcement was welcomed by Michelle and Robert’s jubilation. I was too busy trying not to vomit.

  “But don’t relax too much,” he added then. “We still have to land.”

  “The hull seems intact,” Hassan said, in a serious tone. Seated on the co-pilot’s seat, he was checking the information provided by the on-board computer. “Life support is working at one 100%. Secondary parachutes are armed. Primary parachutes are armed. Airbags are armed. The descent trajectory is within the defined limits.”

  “Alright, brace yourselves.” Dennis’s satisfaction had become excitement.

  “Commander, we are tied like salami, we don’t need to brace ourselves,” Robert joked.

  Michelle laughed and turned to look at me. “You alright?”

  I did nothing but nod. I wasn’t as hot as earlier, but I continued to be in a cold sweat, in the grip of nausea.

  “Activation of secondary parachutes,” Dennis announced.

  Soon after I perceived an abrupt braking. It flattened me against my seat, causing a temporary sense of relief. Then the Isis resumed pitching.

  “There’s a strong wind against us,” Hassan explained. “It’s forcing us to go down too straight.”